She’d been putting it off for a year now. By not returning the book, the door stayed open. There would have been finality in the act that she just wasn’t ready for.
Until earlier that day, anyway.
She’d bought Rilke on Love and Other Difficulties: Translations and Considerations, a collection of poetry and stories by Rainer Maria Rilke, for an ex-boyfriend who had driven (been driven?) out of her life without even a goodbye. It sat on her dresser all year. A few of the men that had found their way into her bedroom over the course of those 364 days had flipped through it, made faces that reflected why they were so unworthy of being there, and closed it without comment.
She always noticed and felt a twinge in her chest, so she decided to paint one of his quotes above the door as equal parts litmus test to potential suitors and reminder to herself about what she deserved.
“I want to be with those who know secret things or else alone.”
To most of the cavemen that entered afterwards, it might as well have said, “abandon all hope ye who enter here.”
So that morning, she gathered up the book and receipt and headed to the bookstore. It was time to move on. On a whim, she wandered over to the Astrology and Divination section and picked up a paperback on tarot cards. She’d done this from time to time since college and, although it had started out as a goof, even the skeptic within her had to grudgingly admit that the cards had been oddly specific to whatever situation she was going through.
“Here goes nothing,” she said to nobody and flipped the book open to a random page.
“The Queen of Wands reminds you to see through your creative visions and life purpose, even in the face of adversity and challenge. The Queen of Wands asks you to be bold and courageous in your undertakings and actions. The Queen of Wands also indicates that this is the perfect time to put yourself out there and meet new people. Finally, the Queen of Wands encourages you to get to know your shadow self – the lesser-known and sometimes darker side of who you really are.”
There it was in black and white. Validation of how she viewed the world. Synchronicity in action.
She had always been right-brained, preferring art over math and passion over logic, and now, she stood in a bookstore holding evidence that there were more than cold hard facts at the reins of her reality.
Or so one would have thought.
But instead, she realized she was not as happy as she had been with him and decided her decision-making in the past had been skewed towards unrealistic expectations and daydreams.
(Only she would take a sign as a sign that there were no signs. Just in case you were wondering why her ex found her so spectacular. Honestly… she had me at the Rilke quote.)
She would make a resolution to try and be more linear in her thinking. Especially when it came to romance.
She drove home without returning the book.
Later that night, amidst the chaos and noise of the New Year’s Eve party, she reflected back to where she had been a year ago. Both physically and emotionally. Wishing she was with her ex. Wondering where he was and if he was missing her.
The countdown to 2020 began. All around her, people were hugging and clinking glasses together. Toasts were being made.
10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…
That’s when she found her left brain.
She made a toast to him… and a promise to herself.
“I want to be with those who know secret things or else alone.”