I’m walking down the street to fetch my wife. My wife is with God. God is real, and religion is dead.
“Stop calling me ‘God’. I told you! My name is Dick!”
God’s name is Dick. The street is empty as I move hurriedly along. Dick is with me. Dick is always with me. The world has changed a lot since Dick revealed himself to the world. All wars have ended. No one ever gets sick, and no one goes hungry.
“What are you talking about in that head of yours? You know all that stuff already.”
I’m providing exposition for the story.
“Exposition? You’re trying to get away from me.”
Not really. I’m trying to get away from…
“Feeding time!”
Dick stops me with his hand. Yes, Dick has hands. He looks just like a regular person.
“But with power!”
He does have unlimited strength and speed. He appears as whatever gender he chooses to be. Today, Dick is male.
“With a big ol’ wang!”
He brings me down roughly to my knees. I open my mouth. It’s feeding time.
“That’s right! Expose this dong in ya mouth! Tell the reader how it tastes!”
Dick forces the entire human population of the world to have oral sex with him. This was the end to world hunger.
“Tell ‘em! Dick is powerful!”
We could have listened to the teachings of the various religions and shared what food there was, but we didn’t want to listen to the advice of imaginary friends and silent statues. His penis tastes chewy and tender, with a faint hint of…
“Eew! Too much description! Less thinking, more sucking!”
Dick does not belong to any particular religion. He’s not Buddhist, Christian, or Zoroastrian. He simply is God.
“Stop calling me ‘God’! God is a title denoting an imaginary, all-powerful being that belongs to a particular belief-system. I’m real and I have a name. My name is Dick.”
Yes, Master Dick.
“Uh-uh, we past all that now! No ‘masters’, ‘lords’, or ‘kings of kings’! I am what you are sucking. I am Dick.”
Dick was responsible for the existence of all religions in the world.
“Except Scientology. I have no idea where that crap came from.”
Dick is a multi-dimensional lifeform, who normally exists as a spirit. We found out that spirits actually come from Dick’s home dimension.
“But I’m flesh and blood now, ain’t I? Now suck my balls!”
From this dimension, this “spirit world”, Dick crafted—
“I said suck ‘em!”
He crafted the universe that we live in now, everything from the stars to bacteria. Dick is the creator of all things.
“Yeah! Tell ‘em who I am! Say my name!”
I give him a muffled reply from my mouth which is filled with his salty-tasting—
“Ay-ay! No descriptions! Just keep going!”
Sometimes I think we’re in Hell.
“What? I know you did not just think that! Hell? What? That implies that you do not like the gift of my balls in your mouth. Put my dong back in your mouth!”
I comply.
“This is a gift. This is what you all wanted: a God you could see, hear, touch, and taste! Can you taste me?”
I nod my head.
“Don’t I taste real?”
I nod my head again.
“No, no. Suck it some more. You might have some doubt still.”
Apparently, God, I mean, Dick simply wanted love.
“I can’t believe you actually think sucking my genitals is a bad thing.”
Belief. This is what Dick wanted. When you love someone, you have to believe in them. You have to believe that they are special. You have to know they are worthy of your love, even when all evidence points against it.
“Ungh, I’m about to cum.”
Love requires belief. It requires faith.
“No, don’t stop. Almost there…”
This is where humanity failed in the eyes of Dick.
“Ooooooooooooohhh, snap! Ungh! Snap! Yes!”
I have just been fed.
“Darn straight. Tell ‘em how good it was!”
Dick’s semen tastes sweet. It always tastes sweet…at first. When it reaches my stomach it turns bitter and foul. Then I can feel it twisting my insides. The pain is indescribable.
“Describe it anyway!”
Women around the world agree that natural childbirth feels just as bad as the stomach pain I’m experiencing right now. It was through this pain that Dick ended sexism. We all share the same pain. It doesn’t matter whether Dick appears as a male or female, we are forced to perform oral sex until Dick shoots a viscous fluid down our throats.
“Which you always swallow.”
We must swallow it or starve.
“Oh, no. You don’t get to starve.”
No, no one starves. Refusing to perform oral on Dick results in a smite. With one mighty slap, Dick kills you.
“The pimp hand of power!”
There is no peace in death. Dick is multi-dimensional. He exists in the spiritual and physical worlds simultaneously.
“I am everywhere!”
And in the spirit world you can watch as Dick forces your mouth open, pleasures his or herself above your corpse, and then ejaculates down your throat.
“When I’m a woman, it’s more of a slow drip.”
Then Dick resurrects you. He heals your body just like new. He brings you back to life just in time to feel the pain.
“You can’t escape the pain.”
Dick is everywhere. He feeds us three meals a day. He even feeds the children. He breastfeeds them on one nipple, while he rubs the other for pleasure. The milk doesn’t cause stomach pain.
“What can I say? I love kids! The pain’s almost over.”
I’m still doubled over screaming from the pain in high-pitched wails.
“Feels real, doesn’t it?”
The pain is real. So are ghosts. If you look hard enough, you can see them nowadays. The colorful wisps of people who once were are everywhere. I open my eyes and see one of them now. It’s the ghost of that sci-fi writer, Philip K. something. Dick is raping the poor soul. If you listen closely, you can hear his soft screams as Dick chants:
“What’s real, Phil? What’s really real? Taste the reality!”
He was probably raping poor Phil while I was being fed. Dick is everywhere, with everyone, feeding everyone at the same time. You can actually see many different versions of Dick walking with everyone. He’s Black. He’s White. He’s Brown. Yet he is always one person. His very nature ended racism. He is with every single one of us.
“C’mon, Mr. I-don’t-like-balls-on-my-chin!”
He talks with us all the time.
“So you’ll never be lonely. Now, go see your wife! I’m about to have sex with her again.”
I get up off the ground. Dick likes to tell us what he’s doing to other people.
“So you’ll all stay connected. This is what you wanted: a God that would give you that sense of belonging, a God that would talk to you, clearly, in a language you can understand. Right now, I’m telling your wife that sex with her was so good today that I’m going to do it in her butthole as a reward.”
Dick likes to have sex with us. He gave me anal yesterday. I liked it better than the oral.
“Ah-ha! I knew you liked it!”
I continue on my way to Dick’s house. Yes, Dick has a house. When religion existed, people erected structures where they believed God would move in and live. They called them “houses of God”.
“And now they’re houses of Dick.”
I burst through the double doors and look for my wife. She’s sitting on one of the pews putting her clothes back on. I run to the pew behind her, scoot in, and hug her from behind. I love her so much. She leans her head towards mine.
“Your wife was a really good lay today. Weren’t you, baby?”
She wearily nods her head. I pat her on the shoulder. I whisper in her ear that I’ve found the answer to our problems.
“What problems? I put an end to world hunger, disease, war, sexism, and racism!”
I open my mouth to speak. He slaps me with his genitals.
“Shut up!”
I cry out as my body slams against the floor. Dick is standing over me, naked. Dick is always naked.
“Being naked is shameful! Just shameful! But since I’m hanging out with you suckers now, who gives a crap?”
Dick no longer looks shameful to me. Dick is beautiful.
“What? Oh, you think I’m beautiful now?”
I fully accept the benefits of your presence, along with the forced sex. I accept you and love you for who you are.
“Wrong answer, buddy. I knew you were thinking about that earlier. It won’t work.”
My wife looks at me. I shrug my shoulders. That was the plan.
“Like you said earlier, I wanted belief. I wanted people to have faith that I could do anything.”
But you can do anything.
“Yeah! But it’s not faith anymore! It’s fact. I’m here and everybody knows it. There’s nothing special about that. That’s not love! Where’s the passion? Where’s the adoration?”
I adore you.
“You just don’t want cock in your mouth. Here, let me show you something.”
God waves a hand towards a wall and a screen appears. Strange people appear on it.
“Behold the people of Galatepos-4, an advanced race that follows the basic tenets of their planet’s religions. They deal justly with each other. They love mercy and they’re humble. I love these guys. They feed each other, so I don’t feed them the wang.”
There’s more to the world than love. What about competition? Power? Ultimate knowledge?
“Ultimate knowledge? As soon as you looked up into the sky, you had ultimate knowledge. Ultimately, you are dust. Less than dust. There are more planets in the universe than there are grains of sand on the earth. You are microscopic organisms crawling around on one single piece of galactic dust. That’s it.”
But what about purpose? We can be more.
“No, you cannot. You’ve been around for tens of thousands of years, and you have proven that you are good at one thing and one thing only: sex.”
Dick points at the screen.
“Those people are good at love. They’ve been around for as long as you have. Do you know how many wars they’ve had in their entire existence? Five! Five wars. After the last war, they decided to settle things with heated debates. They have some nasty arguments, but they still look out for each other in the end.”
So Dick had to intercede, in order to protect us from ourselves.
“Oh, don’t be too hard on yourselves. It’s like a marriage. The people of Galatepos-4 are my wives. They’re good for love, kindness, and encouragement.”
He struts over to my wife and grabs her left breast.
“The people of Earth are like my mistresses: they’re only good for sex.”
So I guess the moral of the story is that if you can’t learn to love God, you’ll end up with D—
“Feeding time!”