so i’m in boston visiting a couple relatives and i meet this japanese girl in a bar
we had a few drinks, chatted a bit, and then went back to her apartment,
which was only a few blocks away
the minute we stepped in, we started making out and undressing,
and she led me by my penis into the bathroom and pulled me into the shower…
as the hot water ran down our bodies, she soaped me up with her scrunchy, fluffy,
purple girly shower sponge thing and quickly made her way down to my genitals
she then turned me around, opened my buttcheeks, and proceeded to
vociferously scrub away at my rectal region
i must admit that I enjoyed this butt-washing and scrubbing and developed a rather strong erection
she subsequently turned me around and led me by the testicles into her bedroom and pushed me down onto her futon
next thing I know, she was madly attacking my penis with her mouth, like a starving man eating food..
after frantically vacuuming my wiener with her mouth,
she worked her way lower, sucking on my testicles, scooping up both testicles into her oral cavity and humming on them as if they were a harmonica
soon after, she ran her tongue down my scrotum and continued her descent…
i then felt her hands cup each of my ass-cheeks and she spread them apart again and buried her face in between them and began licking my anal orifice with twirling, swirling motions…
i’d never experienced such an event in my life; shockwaves of pleasure shot up my spine,
and i screamed out curse words in japanese even though i don’t speak japanese
i nearly ejaculated during the course of this incident but did not
after a minute or so she relented attacking my anus with her tongue, sprung up, and mounted my throbbing johnson, impaling herself upon it
i will be honest, i was only able to supply her the hot beef injection for about 30 seconds before I prematurely ejaculated into her vagina
she didn’t mind, though
she laughed, telling me i was too excited
to which i replied, 
i spent the night at her place,
and we had sexual intercourse a few more times
and, although i performed cunnilingus on her,
i abstained from licking her anus, because she did not wash it in the shower,
and i was concerned it might contain fecal bacterias …
we exchanged numbers before i left, but i’ve yet to return to boston,
and we haven’t spoken since…
every so often, late at night when i’m in bed, i wonder what happened to that girl...
what is she doing? who is she with? whose ass might she be eating?
next time i go to boston i think i’ll call her, take her out to dinner and a movie, then bring her home and wash out her butt in the shower and attempt to perform anallingus on her
because you know, it’s only common courtesy that if someone eats out your ass,
you ought to eat theirs in return
I’d always been interested to discover what would happen if I shoved a tampon up my ass, so the other night, after getting really drunk, I decided to try it.
Fortunately I didn’t have to make an embarrassing trip to the store to buy any tampons, because my ex- girlfriend left a box of them over at my apartment, and I keep them in my medicine cabinet as sort of a reminder of her and all the times we had together.
Anyways, after finishing my beer, I went into the bathroom, pulled down my SpongeBob pajama bottoms, took out a tampon, and pushed it up my ass with a single hard thrust. It felt a bit weird, and nothing crazy happened, but as I looked at the box and read a warning about “toxic shock syndrome,” I became concerned my anus might get electrocuted or catch fire or something.
So I reached back into my butt to pull the tampon out; however, in my drunken state, it seems I’d put it in the wrong way, stringed side first...
I fumbled around with my fingers in my ass, trying to pull it out, but couldn’t and wasn’t sure what to do.
Should I ask my next door neighbor for help? I don’t know… that really is asking a lot more than just having him jumpstart my car battery…
(This whole incident reminded me of a girl I knew back in high school who was masturbating with a hot dog and had it break and get stuck in her vagina; she had to go the hospital to have it removed. I thought about looking her up on Facebook and requesting her advice, but there wasn’t time for that now.)
I called 911, told them what happened, and asked for an ambulance to come get me as I was in no condition to drive, but they just hung up on me, thinking it was a prank call.
Then I hobbled out to the street and attempted to walk to the hospital, though it was tough, because having a tampon stuck in your ass really does inhibit your range of motion.
So I decided to hitchhike, stuck out my thumb, and fortunately a strange car pulled up, and its driver rolled down his window…
The car was a tricked out hearse, painted fire engine red, with bling bling, shiny, spinning rims, hydraulics, and loud booming bass. Its driver was a dwarf wearing a ski mask, sunglasses, and army fatigues.
He yelled out to me in Portuguese to jump in, and so I did, and he drove me to the hospital at breakneck speed, on the wrong side of the road, occasionally playing chicken with other cars, and he even rode up on the sidewalk a couple times and ran over a few meter maids and pizza delivery men. It was as if we were in the video game “Grand Theft Auto.”
He got me to the hospital quick, slapped me high five, and I limped out into the emergency room.
The nurse at the front desk was taking bong hits from a medical device and didn’t seem surprised by my story.
She also didn’t believe that it was a tampon in my anus and insinuated I’d been gerbiling and made thinly veiled references to Richard Gere.
She pointed me to the waiting room, but before I could even step foot in that direction, I started seeing trails, my vision got blurry, my head started spinning, and my shoes suddenly grew large ice skating blades and the floor turned to ice and I began skating and pirouetting like a figure skater (or a Canadian) into the direction of a large, vagina shaped operating room.
Upon entering the room, a doctor, who looked and talked like Borat, burst out of a large freezer sitting in the back of the room, grabbed me by the arms, spun me around, brandished pliers, and yanked down my pajamas and probed my anus with the pliers and used them to pull out the tampon.
It was surprisingly painless, and I wanted to thank him, but the second I turned around, he instantly vanished into thin air…
I skated back out to the front desk to settle up the bill, and the nurse told me my insurance didn’t cover this sort of procedure, presented me with a bill for$10,795.63, and chastised me for forcing feminine hygiene products and small fury animals up my ass.
Upon exiting the hospital, the blades from my shoes disintegrated, and I saw the dwarf in the hearse outside waiting for me.
I stepped into the car and noticed he had midget porn playing on a video screen mounted on his dashboard. He asked me in Portuguese if I’d ever fucked a midget.
I told him that I hadn’t but probably would under the right circumstances, just to say I did.
There was this European girl I met while I was sunbathing in South Beach. Probably somewhere in her early twenties, she had shoulder length wavy blond hair, sparkly blue eyes, creamy white skin, and rosy cheeks that had a small smattering of freckles. She stood a leggy 5-6, and her body was the definition of tight, somewhat athletic but not too muscular, with perky C-cup breasts and an apple-shaped bottom one could bounce quarters off.
I can't remember her name, but it was weird sounding, and she was from some tiny country in Europe that I'd never heard of and couldn't pronounce the name of.
After getting her phone number, we made plans for later that night. We were supposed to go to Ocean Drive but instead we met on Lincoln Road, where we had a few drinks at "Cafeteria," and then took a rickshaw taxi back to my apartment for a nightcap.
Back at my apartment, we sparked up some Jamaican red-haired ganja and slammed several Jagerbombs...
The weed and drink had me totally blitzed and I can't recall who started it, but next thing I remember, we're in bed in our birthday suits and her vagina was in my mouth.
Following a good bit of carpet-chomping, she flipped over, got on all fours, and pointed her apple- shaped ass at my face. I rose up, clutched my throbbing penis in hand, aimed and placed it in her vaginal opening, but she craned her neck around and whispered in her strange European accent-
"No, put it in other hole."
Other hole-
The bonus tunnel
The brown eye
The chocolate starfish
The anus
I'd never penetrated an anus before...
(The closet I'd came was the time I was drunk and making out with a chubby Korean girl at a party; I don't know what came over me but I put my hand down the back of her pants and stuck my index finger into her butthole. She got mad about it, punched me in the arm, and walked away.)
Anyhow, I brought my penis up to the crevice of the European girl's anal passageway and tried to insert it, but could not. Her bonus tunnel was far too tight. Not that my penis is that large, but her sphincter was so small, and I wondered how I'd ever be able to infiltrate it.
So I decided to put my pointer finger up in there to loosen it up a bit. I slid my finger in slowly and was pleased by how tight and warm her European anus felt. She responded with a series of joyous murmurs, and I was glad she didn't turn around and punch me in the arm like the Korean girl did.
After loosening her up with my finger, I realized I'd probably have better luck anally penetrating her if I used some lubrication, so I removed my finger from her rectal cavity and grabbed my tub of Vaseline I usually use for masturbating and slathered my erect penis with it and even rubbed some over her asshole, as well as the inner folds of her perennial divide.
Then I gently glided my throbbing member in between her slippery buttcheeks and worked it up into her rectum with a corkscrew motion.
As my penis popped in, I felt a tsunami of delight crash over me, as her anus gripped my wang with a heat and strength I can't ever remember feeling...
I sighed and pumped my wiener in and out slowly and she moaned and groaned and made incomprehensible mutterings in what must've been her native language; I didn't understand what she was saying but figured and hoped she was enjoying the experience.
(And as I discovered the wonders of the buttsex, I started to realize why so many people probably become homosexuals.)
The sexual inferno of her asshole and its kung fu grip were too much for me, and after only a couple minutes I ejaculated a massive orgasm into the European girl's buttocks, and she cried out in pleasure as I delivered her a hot sperm enema, which her anus muscles milked out of my penis like a farmer milking a cow.
Exhausted, we collapsed to the bed, shared a cigarette, and then ate some Italian ice cream.
I don't remember much about the rest of that night and if it involved anymore assplay or not and I only saw that European girl a couple more times before she went back to her country that I couldn't pronounce the name of.
I've never seen or talked to her since she left Miami but I will always cherish the time we spent together.
Miami Beach 2006
News of the attacks spread quickly
A man, Caucasian, 25-35, 5-8 to 5-10
running up behind random females in public places
pulling up their dresses or skirts
and biting them in the buttocks
Sometimes he’d bite hard enough to draw blood
but usually he’d just leave teeth marks
and a very upset woman
It took a while for the police to get seriously involved
because when these incidents first started being reported
responding officers and 911 operators would think it was a joke
(One leathery skinned cop
laughed off a woman’s biting claim and hung the phone up on her
so the lady showed up to the police station
stormed over to his desk
dropped her pants
and angrily took out her ass to show the teeth markings
[a plastic molding of the bite mark was later taken from her right buttcheek
in order to potentially identify the suspect via dental records])
Though the vast majority of these cases went unreported
Several women were too shocked by the incidents to speak up
as it isn’t easy talking to somebody
about how a random guy ran up behind you and chomped you in the ass
After receiving nearly a hundred such reports, however,
in only two months’ time
the police realized they had a serious problem on their hands
because a man running around
biting women in the buttocks
just isn’t good for tourism
or the city’s overall image
And once the media got a hold of the story
and amateur cell phone video of an attack surfaced on YouTube
the cops got serious about putting a stop to the menace
now colloquially called around town
“The Butt Biting Bandit”
Now, because the assailant would bark like a dog,
or make other animal-like sounds
before, during, and after these incidents
and would even run away on all fours
the police realized they were dealing
with an especially unstable and dangerous individual
so they set up an elaborate sting operation
involving the SWAT team to take him down
On a swelteringly hot and humid Friday evening
under a reddish sky,
illuminated by Saharan dust and a handful of stars,
an undercover female agent, attractive, mid 20s
clad in a tight, but not so tight it’d be difficult to lift,
hot pink one piece miniskirt
was planted in the area
that had the highest frequency of ass biting incidents
Several sets of cops in jogging suits
waited across the street in unmarked cars
with infrared binoculars
sipping 7-11 coffee
listening to sports radio
as they staked out the scene
And the SWAT team idled in a nearby house
watching “So You Think You Can Dance”
on an old clunky cathode ray tube TV with rabbit ears
The car cops, who all had comb-overs,
nearly identical scruffy moustaches,
and who all wore aviator sunglasses, even at night,
ate bear claws and ring dings
their sticky fingers hoisting up binocularized eyes
that paid special attention to the undercover female agent’s ass
as she stood by a mailbox, chattering on a cell phone,
occasionally bending over (purposely)
to fidget with her silver Gucci stiletto heel shoes
Sure enough
the butt biter appeared
dressed in black jeans,
black Miami Hurricanes t-shirt, and grey skull cap
He crept up slowly behind the undercover agent
tip toeing like the Grinch
then plunged to his knees
made a shrieking, turkey-type bird sound
clutched the hems of the agent’s skirt with his hands
and assumed a vampire contortion with his mouth
When suddenly
a hooded policeman perched up in a large palm tree nearby
threw a net down over the suspect
trapping him
as if he were a rabid animal
The female agent twirled around
pulled out a semi-automatic handgun from her purse
And with that
waves of crumb-faced cops in jogging suits
poured out of parked cars all over the street
and the SWAT team swarmed out of the nearby house
with laser-lit AK-47s aimed at the suspect
The suspect continued to make wailing, high-pitched bird sounds
and clawed, writhed, and flailed wild kicks at his captive netting
The first officers to arrive
beat him senseless with batons to subdue him
then they peeled the net off
handcuffed and shackled him
and flung him,
as he still made bird sounds,
though they were only whimpering bird sounds at this point,
headfirst into a paddy wagon
Later that night
the police searched the suspect’s apartment,
a studio flat atop a laundromat,
in Little Havana
Every inch of the grimy little place was plastered
with pictures of women’s butts
in various states of undress
Everywhere there were butts
on all the walls
all over the bathroom, refrigerator, stove, kitchen table,
on the toaster, even on the toilet
(and the toilet lid was duct taped shut,
and there was a kitty litter box next to it,
which apparently he’d been using)
And he had butt-shaped pillows crowning the soiled mattress in the corner
and covering the remainder of the mattress
was a tattered old beige sleeping bag
that had stitchings of butts all over it
which he’d probably knitted himself
as the cops discovered a sewing kit in his bathroom
by the basin of his mildew-ridden, bright purplish colored bathtub
that was filled with rubber duckies
with crudely rendered pentagrams painted all over them
The suspect’s butt-covered, loudly humming
and mechanically vibrating refrigerator
was packed with cans of dog food,
enema bags containing cheap vodka,
and 2 liter bottles of Diet Sprite
On the top shelf of the fridge
they found a butt-shaped birthday cake
with a tiny red toy tricycle made of shiny plastic
wedged front wheel first into the cake’s ass crease
And when one of the forensic guys
pulled the cake out of the refrigerator
he noticed
that one of the toy tricycle’s little back wheels was missing