Read or I Punch your Face by Newamba Flamingo - HTML preview

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Table of Contents

 

Foreword

Chapter One: Fun Time

Punch you in the face

Getting naked at work and reciting Shakespeare

Shooting Midgets from a Catapult and watching our Teacher tap dance nude

Holy shit! Ezra Pound’s ghost is in my refrigerator!

A trip to the dentist

Free enterprise amongst the waste management industry (collab with Yossarian Hunter)

The baboon living in my closet is named FRED

The exploding penis

Mr. T, the Oujia Board and the conga line of transsexual ninjas

The warlock who stole my soul

I’m afraid of naked women! (the satanic toilet monster dream remix)

Bald Head Fred

One night in Bangkok

Transvestite Snoop Dogg goes to a gay bar

Chuck Liddell, the ostrich, and the rape room

The Urinal Cake

I called a phone sex hotline and impersonated an elderly British woman

Where’s my voodoo Shakespeare testicle?

I punch you while you use the toilet, motherfucker!

The alien Michael Jackson testicle experiment

The suicidal Dell computer

Glasgow Gidget

Mitt Romney’s phone number

Ode to the internet

SOMEBODY STOLE MY CAT!

Diary of a crack smoking cannibal (the epileptic vampire remix)

Former teen star Justin Bieber arrested

The Terrorist’s Meth Lab on Sesame Street

Chapter Two: Sexy Time

Frankie Metro fucked a goat

Bill O’Really fucked his mother

Murphy Clamrod and the Tom Brady transsexual hooker

Unca Frank’s midget porn party

I fucked a midget

Teacher fucks student fucks hooker

Necrophilia: A love story

Dick sucked by a tranny hooker

Chapter Three: Attempts at Realism

Amputee

Faggot

Kidney thief

Mr. Whiskers

The rejected writer

Non-nude preteen model

KKK Cannibal Dentist (collab with Frankie Metro)

Rampage

PTSD

Timothy

Pampers

The Skinhead

Interview with a vampire

Interview with a vampire 2

Pushing the wheel barrel of regret

My friend with cerebral palsy

I set my hair on fire whilst she fucked her boyfriend

Passive aggressive

Mad ones

Cassie Jones and the Naked Hippie

FUCK YOU

On snorting and smoking crystal meth

Justin

The Trolls of Literotica

The McMansion

FUCK THE CHILDREN

Judenburg, Austria

Bad Karma

Tel Aviv

Next year in Jerusalem

The massage parlor in Eilat

That fucking dog

In response to the Pixies “Ed is Dead”

The Great American Novel

Going to Singapore

Save the Chinese Babies

African Safari

Mr. Speed’s Safe

Chapter Four: Bitch Time

Assraped by a crazy poetry bitch

Hot Dog Bitch

Pedro isn’t here, you fucking bitch!

Bitch, I wear a gorilla suit!

Chapter Five: Ass Play

The girl that ate out my ass

I shoved a tampon up my ass

The first time I head the buttsex

Bark like a dog and bite a random woman in the ass

Don’t try to fuck girls in New Orleans in the ass with sunscreen, not even the kind with moisturizer!

Chapter Six: Two for the Road

Hardcore Chicago Sports Fan

True love

Biography

Acknowledgements

Credits

Pictures and Art

Copyright