Now I am about to embark on a great journey myself. Not on the scale of Henri Mouhot, Marco Polo, or Hannibal. But it’s my journey and as important to me as their journeys were to them, and I am sure it will be a great spiritual experience.

I am almost ready. But first I must wipe my internal hard drive clean of bitterness, so I can reflect, look at both sides objectively and tackle them head on without reservation. I am still harbouring a deep feeling of having been wronged, and I can’t shake off feelings of guilt. There is no story ever told that has only one side. My goal is to be free to challenge my beliefs, forgive and confess, but not forget. I will not take bitterness into a new beginning and a new relationship, and however difficult it may be, I will never give up hope.

It wasn’t long ago, when Nin gave me the stinky finger in front of Gun’s house. Then went on one of her rants in public, so the world could hear, while Gun tried to restrain her, and pull her back inside the house, to save embarrassment. How the others, Gun and Puk must have pitied me. They tried to tell me in the pathetic way people do when they fear betrayal. I didn’t see it or didn’t want to see it then. Pity was the last thing I wanted, but they would never tell me what they really thought.

I need to confess, admit I am culpable in part, not because I want absolution but because there are always two sides, and it is inconceivable that I am blameless, that I had no part in the cause of my wounds.

What do Catholics do? All the wrong things, then tell a priest they are sorry, he absolves them of the whole bloody mess, and they start again as though nothing happened. Maybe I don’t understand, but it seems too easy. Atheists are not so lucky, and there is no quick fix.

I will soon be on my way, and I am sure I will see things clearer when I’m out of here.