Billy and Dave were good friends. They went to school together and had played in the same footy team. They had lived in the same rented house as teens. As time passed their work lives had taken them in different directions, with Billy moving to Melbourne and Dave remaining in Brisbane. A catch up was always on the cards when Billy visited. Dave was in his sixties and was comfortably retired with his wife Joan. Billy was divorced but had returned to Brisbane and lived in a city apartment block designed for seniors. They got together regularly for a chat and a beer or coffee, reminiscing about the old days and discussing issues about their past and present relationships. The next meeting was scheduled for the coming Wednesday. The friendship that spanned so many years was about to be tested.
“Hey mate,” Dave said as pulled up a stool at the tavern bar beside Billy. The majority of people in the tavern had come in for lunch and sat at the tables. Dave and Billy were the only ones at the bar. They were both dressed for the tropical heat in shorts and t-shirts. Dave had put on a little weight since they last met. He was a tall man and carried it without concern. Billy was of much slighter build and could not gain weight, though he had often tried. The middle-class retiree’s aura surrounding them was unmistakable.
“What’ll you have,” Billy asked looking up.
“Same,” Dave replied, looking at the pint on the bar.
“Another pint thanks,” Billy said looking at the barman.
“What’s new?” Billy asked.
“I have something serious to discuss with you today mate,” Dave said.
Billy raised his eyebrows and smiled. “Really,” he said thinking that Dave wasn’t serious about too many things. “Don’t tell me - you and Joan are splitting up – again.”
“No!” Dave said abruptly.
“Ok, what?”
Dave took a sip from his pint. “I want to know how to kill someone,” he said looking straight ahead.
Billy laughed out loud - then saw that Dave wasn’t smiling. “Joke right?” he asked, looking at Dave’s right ear.
“I’m serious,” he replied.
“What! Who do you want to kill – why?” Billy stammered. He knew Dave wasn’t averse to a bit of drama, but this was unprecedented.
“You don’t need to know. I just want your advice. Don’t want to implicate you,” he said quietly.
“Implicate me – Implicate me,” Billy's voice became shrill. “C’mon you gotta be kidding mate,” he said, pushing his face forward.
“I am deadly serious - and I need your help. I want to know how I can do it so it looks like an accident, and it needs to be... not too painful. I want to get rid of someone but I’m not a sadist,” Dave said.
“Right, the best way to kill someone – make it look like an accident that doesn’t hurt,” Billy said with a sardonic smile.
“I can understand how this seems weird to you, but it is important... I’m not going to rush out on a murderous spree,” Dave said.
“Good, but you’ll have to explain what this is about... or I’m not discussing it any further. You can’t expect me to help you if I don’t know what you’re on about,” Billy replied.
Dave took a deep breath of resignation. “Yeah alright, but we discuss the options first, and then I will explain... I’ll tell you what I’ve come up with and you tell me what you think.”
Billy nodded his reluctant agreement.
“I have already abandoned some options straight off – like shooting – stabbing and bashing. These would definitely hurt and would be hard to make look like an accident as well,” Dave said.
Billy could hardly believe what he was hearing. Dave was actually contemplating a murder.
Dave continued. “I’m thinking poison would be good, or gas. You know... carbon monoxide from car exhaust. It’d be painless?”
Billy put his elbow on the bar and rubbed his forehead, looked at Dave and said, “Billy, some poisons just make you go to sleep but the autopsy would show there was poison, not an accident. Carbon Monoxide... well I’m pretty sure that it’s a nasty way to go. And how does someone put a hose from their exhaust into their car by accident?”
“Yeah... I suppose. Another option I thought of was drowning. There are lots of drowning accidents. People fall off boats, drown in the bath” he said.
“Shit! Drowning would be a horrible way to die... and drowning in the bath would be very bloody unusual,” Billy said.
“What about suffocation? Pillow over the face or plastic bag on the head - seen that on TV a few times. Looks like a heart attack. I think I’d be happy with a pillow if it were me.”
“I guess so. There’s no good way. That’s enough now mate! Tell me - why are we talking about this?”
Dave hesitated. “Yeah, ok, I suppose I should tell you who I want to get rid of,”
“That would be a good start. Who is it?” he asked.
Dave took some time to answer. “Joan’s mother Agnes,”
“Agnes,” Billy was surprised. “She lives with you and Joan?”
“Yes, she’s an evil woman - makes our lives a misery. She refuses to move to a home - hates me with a vengeance.”
“C’mon Dave it can’t be that bad. She must be ninety?” Billy asked.
“Eighty-seven, and it is very, very bad. She just takes over the whole house. We have to watch her TV shows eat what she likes. I’ve just had enough,” Dave said.
“But you can’t kill her,” Billy said.
Dave took a long sip of beer... “I already did.”
As Billy’s jaw was dropping, two uniformed police appeared in the tavern doorway. They were obviously looking around to find someone. They spotted Dave and Billy and walked purposefully towards them.
“Guess I picked the wrong option,” Billy said, watching as they approached.