YELLOWSTONE GEOTHERMAL FEATURES: THE UNAUTHORIZED INTERVIEWS
As a North American tourist attraction, Old Faithful is rivaled perhaps only by Las Vegas or Disneyland. For many tourists nationally or abroad, he is Yellowstone National Park. Images of the geyser’s steam plume mid-eruption in all it’s majesty have been plastered on postcards, t-shirts, shot glasses, ballcaps, candy bars, as well as bottles of beer, whiskey and soda. He is the symbol for various Yellowstone organizations both public and private. For those who know nothing of the park, even those who have a layman’s knowledge of the park, Old Faithful is the best and only show in town. The remaining thermal features are superfluous, background, filler, vaguely interesting roadside attractions.
We sent several corespondents into Yellowstone National Park. Over the span of the peak tourist season months, repeated exhaustive interviews were held with the more recognizable and lesser known geysers, hot springs, fumaroles and mud puffs. As Yellowstone contains within its boarders the highest concentration of geothermal features (estimated amount over 10,000, and a majority of those are hidden beneath the surface of mysterious Lake Yellowstone) in the world, it was impossible to speak to each of them personally and include their stories in the time and page space allowed. A concerted effort was made, however, to include as many individual’s opinions as possible from all the major basins along the Park’s upper and lower grand loop roads. Our mission was 2-fold. To present the geothermal features in a more personal and casual light; to hear their thoughts on Old Faithful’s eclipsing celebrity.
MAMMOTH HOT SPRINGS
Fun Facts:
At the site of Fort Yellowstone and 5 miles away from the original entrance to the park.
Opal Terrace lead a petition to remove tennis courts constructed at Mammoth Hotel in the late 1940s.
New Highland Spring briefly attended Law School.
Mammoth Hot Springs are bulbous white mounds streaked with oranges and reds and blacks and grays and browns blooming from the hillside. We first spoke to Minerva, an austere aged woman of flat wide white terraces. “For most people we’re pretty much the first thing they see once they get into the park. Most of the visitors are pretty sweet. Some are jerks. With all the stairs around us, I hear a lot of huffing and puffing. I can’t believe how fat people have gotten these days.” Here Minerva trailed off, as she frequently did. “Oh my, now what was I doing? If you’ll excuse me for a moment, I was right in the middle of something.”
A slight little woman still full of piss n’ vinegar, Canary Spring just talked right along, but much of her talk in no way at all related to the questions asked of her. “I got a great view up here. There’s the bridge. See the bridge over there? I got a great view of it. Say, I’ve had this great idea. I’ve been trying to talk the park service into it for years. I say, scrub the travertine. Scrub it or bleach it even. Yeah, that’s the ticket, bleach the travertine. Then, then I think they should fertilize the thermophiles. That’s what they should do with the thermophiles - fertilize’em. Then our sides would be even whiter and our pools would be even bluer and yellower and just all around better . . . Wait just a tick. I’ll get back to you.” Canary never get back to us.
“Canary must have told you that idea of hers” Orange Spring had to say. He was a handsome and strapping, but weathered gentleman sipping a Scotch as we spoke. “I don’t think it’s a bad idea. The colors then would really compliment that creamy art deco hotel we got here. If you think that’s nice though, you should have seen the one before. Now there was a hotel. Things were really hopping then. Front porch as long as a football field. A spire as high as - gosh, I forgot what I as about to say. Where was I going with this?”
New Highland Spring, an intense man with inquiring eyes that never quit, was the only one at Mammoth with a long enough attention span to speak with us about Old Faithful. “What? Him? You’re going to be talking to him? I prefer not to comment on that asshole, but I will say he owes me money. The worst part is I know he can afford to pay it back, but he won’t because he’s so superior and - I don’t know. What was I saying? It’s been nice though. Don’t call us. We’ll call you.”
The abrupt and confused end of our interviews was all too common from the features at Mammoth. As one correspondent pointed out, it reminded him of his great grandmother currently suffering from dementia.
MUD VOLCANO
Fun Facts:
Sour Lake was the inspiration for sour flavored Skittles, Sour Patch Kids and Sour Kraut.
For the past 3 years Sulfur Caldron has performed in the Annual Wyoming Shakespeare Festival’s production of Macbeth.
There was a quiet dignity and genial quality about the geothermal features we spoke with at the Mud Volcano area. Set of at a curve in the road a few miles away from Yellowstone Lake the numerous visits were studious, yet relaxed.
“Those characters you spoke with at Mammoth don’t know if they’re coming or going,” said Dragon’s Mouth in a kindly collegiate voice, “they’re arrogant and self-absorbed.”
“But if you think they’re bad,” Mud Volcano chimed in, “just wait until you get to the west side. From Norris to the Upper Basin is nothing but prima donnas.”
DM: “We went through that stage once too, back when we were a bit more deserving of the name Mud Volcano. We sputtered and spat out all kinds of trouble.”
MV: “We really were hell on wheels, but have quieted down. Talk to Roaring Mountain about it. He went through the same thing and knows exactly where were coming from.”
DM: “We’re out of the way from other, if you’ll pardon the pun, ‘hot spots’. And a smaller collection out here too.”
MV: “We do our own thing and try not to get mixed up with the scandals and drama of our colleagues.”
DM: “Concerning Old Faithful, we have no reason to dislike him. Although I will say I can’t see what all the fuss is about.”
MV: “I concur. When you consider the scope of the park, each geothermal feature is unique and fascinating. Why he gets all the attention is beyond me.”
DM: “Despite the short-comings and personal flaws, if we must have a public face, admittedly Old Faithful has proven to be the best man for the job.”
MV: “We certainly don’t want that kind of attention here in Mud Volcano. And that’s coming from the Mud Volcano himself.”
WEST THUMB
FUN FACTS:
West Thumb’s amateur softball team has the best pitching record in the league.
Bluebell Pool was once the spokesmen for a mint chewing gum local ad campaign.
Percolating Spring was a nationally ranked professional surfer.
A laid-back and festive mood permeated the air at West Thumb on the shores of Yellowstone Lake. A go-with-the-flow, devil-may-care attitude was so prevalent, many of the geothermal features we spoke with couldn’t understand why anyone would go to the trouble of interviewing them.
The twin geysers, Maggie and Jiggs, set this mood surprisingly well.
“Hey man, glad you could make it down,” Jiggs said.
Maggie said, “Couldn’t have picked a better day, but then again man, any day out here is a good day.”
Asking the twins what it felt like to be major tourist attractions, Jiggs had this to say, “Whatever man, people are people. Who I really miss are the Sheep Eaters. Now those dudes knew how to party. And John Colter. That mother fucker was crazy.”
Next we spoke with Abyss Pool on the subjected of how the features at West Thumb are compared to their other peers within the park. “Aw, fuck it.” Abyss Pool said. “They’re all a bunch of haters. I don’t even bother with anyone who’s talking shit on West Thumb. Live and let live. Right brother?”
“Like look at me,” Fishing Cone cut in. “People used to soft boil their eggs in me. People used to fry their fish in me. Isn’t that a head trip?”
The conversation eventually ambled around to Old Faithful. Lakeshore Geyser had this to say, “Old Faithful is kindah a prick, I’ll admit it. A while back though, he helped me through some rough shit, and for that he’s always got a place close to my heart. The guy just works too hard. Not me, man. I’ve got nothing to prove. Who needs crowds when I can hang out in the lake as long as I want?”
“Really man, you gotta go so soon?” The West Thumb mud puffs asked us. “If you’ll be in the area again, stop by. We just picked up a Les Paul off ebay and my cousin let me borrow his mesa boogie amp. We’ll be jamming out Sublime covers all night long.”
SHOSHONE
Repeated efforts were made to contact the features of the backcountry Shoshone geyser basin. Our correspondents even make the 14 mile hike out, and putting it politely, were met with much hostility. A decision was made to leave things be after a correspondent witnessed who we believe to be Locomotive Geyser load and cock a double barrel shot gun.
NORRIS
FUN FACTS:
It is widely believed by conspiracy theorists that Porcelain Basin was the location used for filming the lunar landing.
Acidic minerals in the soil render the Norris area infertile and unable to grow corn, watermelons, or grass.
The hottest area in the park, Norris has subsurface temperatures of 400+ degrees.
The antiquated and surly name perfectly matched the attitudes we encountered during our time at Norris. There was something severe, formal, dare we say superior, about the geothermal features in their bombed out, gravel pit, neighborhood of steaming gray.
Steamboat geyser was haughty throughout all our interviews, and repeatedly made it clear his answers were only meant to humor us. “If you were interested, truly interested in the behind the scenes life of geothermal features in the park,” he said, “Then you should have come to see us as Norris first. The fact that instead you spoke with the disreputable schlubs at Mammoth and West Thumb, that you even bothered with that piddly collection of malcontents at Mud Volcano, makes me seriously question the piece you’re writing.
“I will tell you my feelings on Old Faithful. Personal feuds aside, every thermal feature in the park has a lot to offer our many visitors. I readily admit this, while Old Faithful does not, and seems to thinks he’s the best of the best and all that’s worth seeing. Old Faithful works hard, I’ll give him that, but on a personal level he’s superior and condescending.”
Vixen geyser had this to say, “What we have here is the hottest basin in the park, and area inhospitable to life. Our subterranean conditions are so extreme we might as well be on Venus. Go to the basins south of here and you’ll see a bunch of huffing and puffing, and a bunch of showboating cyanobacteria thermophile fingerpaints. That’s all fine for sightseers and weekend warriors, but any visitor of any real intelligence realizes here at Norris we have far more integrity and substance than our neighbors.”
This contempt and overconfidence was shared by Pork Chop Geyser, “When it comes to the majesty of this place, when it comes to symbolizing the true uniqueness of geothermal features in the wild, we here at Norris cannot be, will not be, topped by those spit-shine geyser basins that consider themselves ‘Yellowstone Wonders.’”
Our final thought came from Echinus Geyser. “I am not a cynic, but I am a realist. Follow the money. I’ll break it to you straight. Old Faithful is not the most predictable or the largest or the highest, and he is certainly far from the best geyser. Old Faithful just got in early when the getting was good. He’s the geyser with the best marketing. Because of this shameless self-interest, Old Faithful makes all of us no different than roller coasters or wax museums in the eyes of the general public.”
MIDWAY
FUN FACTS:
A member of the smallest basin in the park, Turquoise Pool is a great admirer of Napoleon.
Excelsior Geyser dumps over 4,000 gallons of water per minute into the Firehole River.
Grand Prismatic endorses Avon brand cosmetics.
Midway basin is the home to Grand Prismatic, a hot spring that is considered by some as iconic as Old Faithful. On this matter, and just about every matter we discussed with Grand Prismatic, she seemed completely oblivious. A vain woman wrapped up in her own affairs and all the attention she received, anything outside of the Midway Basin didn’t exist to her.
“Cyanobacterium, volumetic numbers like 500-6-odd something, all that lingo gets tossed around, honey. I don’t care why I look good. I don’t need to know why I look good. I look good and people come from all over the world to look at me.”
Grand Prismatic’s image is also features on many Yellowstone souviners. When asked about it she responded, “I don’t see those chintzy things, so it’s of little matter to me. You’re a sweet kid, but you gotta wise up, darling. Look around you. It’s all cameras and flashbulbs baby. I’m the most photogenic girl in the world. Family vacation photo albums on all 7 continents have my pretty face somewhere in there.” When asked about Old Faithful, Grand Prismatic responded in all seriousness with, “Who pray tell is that?”
“Look here junior,” Excelsior Geyser cut in. “Back in my prime Old Faithful didn’t even have a pot to piss in. If you want to talk about geysers, then come over here and talk to me, because when I blew it was the granddaddy of them all. I pulled off continual eruptions - 200, 300 feet high. There weren’t no boardwalks then. There weren’t no rental cars neither. Give Old Faithful my regards, would ya? I like to think of that crazy asshole as the son I never had.”
HEART LAKE
We had contacted this 2nd secluded backcountry geyser basin several times. Our phone calls and letters were answered, but answered with polite dismissal. When we showed up unannounced, Columbia Pool gently ushered us away saying, “I’m sorry you went to all the trouble of coming out here. I don’t mean to be rude, but we have nothing to say to you. Please don’t contact us again.” A few days later our office received and open letter from Rustic Geyser. It reads as follows:
On behalf of my friends and neighbors at Heart Lake, I felt you deserve and explanation. We have no intentions of being secretive or reclusive, although popular media has somehow projected that image upon us. We’ve settled far far off the beaten path and are proud to have done so. The few hardy travelers that make the laborious trek to visit have a genuine sense of adventure that drives them in their backcountry travel with Heart Lake as their special private destination. We’d like to keep it that way.
UPPER
FUN FACTS:
The chipmunks, ground squirrels and pikas around the Upper Geyser Basin were the inspiration for whack-a-mole arcade games.
A roller derby is held on the boardwalk every 4th of July.
The Upper Geyser Basin contains 1/4 of all known geysers in the world.
Upon arrival at the Upper Basin, home of Old Faithful, there was no doubt we were at the biggest show in town. Wonderful examples of all 4 types of thermal features can be found along the 2 mile main drag, and the place becomes a madhouse with people standing elbow to elbow waiting to see Yellowstone’s crown jewel erupt. In a park that’s removed from the conveniences of modern life, the Old Faithful area is Yellowstone’s answer to Paris.
Our correspondents had their hands full, not only fighting against the crowds, but also in dealing with their subjects. The geothermal features of the Upper Basin were numerous, tightly packed, egotistical, and all eager to share their stories.
Ear Spring was an exception to that rule. “What?” he asked when we approached him. “You want to talk to me? What the hell for? C’mon man! I’m shaped like an ear. I don’t talk. I just listen . . . Old Faithful? He ain’t got too much to say. At least not to me.”
Grotto Geyser made very clear his views of the other geothermal areas in the park. “Waste of time. That’s all they are. You come to Yellowstone, all you need to see is the Upper Basin.”
Through all his stammering, Spasmodic Geyser was able to spit out, “the n-n-n-nay-n-n-neighbors here are ah-a-a-alright. But some-t-t-times. I feel uh-un-un-un-d-d-der-underappreciated.”
Giant Geyser had a voice and personality that fit his name. “Around here, our slogan is go big or go home.”
Punch Bowl Spring was very hospitable, staying true to her name. “My, you kids look thirsty,” she said. “Listening to this crew flapping their gums is enough to wear out anyone. I could say a lot about Old Faithful, but my mother taught me if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Take a load off. I’ve got some punch chilled to a perfect 199 degrees.”
Riverside Geyser absolutely bristled when we asked him about Old Faithful. “That guy’s nothing but hot air and hype - 100 years of it. Now take me, I’m a mother fucking trapeze artist. Where else are you going to find someone that does back flips over the river? Nowhere.”
Then we spoke with Beehive Geyser, a favorite in the area, as he is known to occasionally collaborate with Old Faithful.
“Look, man. All I’m focused on is putting on the best show I can. Once the summer hits and the crowds show up, we all get heads the size of hot air balloons. Then there’s the squabbles and resentments and jealousies. As for Old Faithful. I’ve got his back. We’re the one-two punch. He’s my bro.”
Finally sitting down with our main subject, Old Faithful came across as stern, stately, yet rather aloof. There was a quietly powerful manner about him that admittedly had us all in a state of awe.
“Hello,” Old Faithful said. “I heard about you guys poking around the last few months, and I knew it’d only be a matter of time. If you don’t mind we’ll have to make this quick. The boardwalks are cleared now, but before much longer the next stampede of buses will pull in and unload.
“Listen, contrary to what you may have heard, it’s not easy being me. As the face of Yellowstone National Park, even I’ve had reservations about how well I play the part. I don’t have many friends. I don’t have much of a private life. My peers resent me for my bitterness about easy success. My intentions were pure. I assure you. No one knew if this whole National Park thing was going to take off. I was optimistic, but had no idea it’d be this explosive or prolonged.
“You should see this place in the winter. The temperature drops below zero. No one’s around. It’s like the rug’s completely pulled out from under you. I’ve had some dark days, turned to the bottle, all of that. Nobody believes me when I tell them this, but I’m a pretty insecure guy. There’s good and bad in being a Yellowstone icon. Yokels come blazing through here, complaining about admission price, only interested in the photo opps. Then there’s the wealthy and elite, who think a visit to Yellowstone is a status builder, something to be crossed off a bucket list. Back to the Park’s foundation there’d been the private interests. Railroad tycoons and cowboy billionaires running concessions and hospitalities. When I erupted all they ever saw was buckets of money materializing out of the steam. Like I said . . . It gets hard.
“I’d go crazy if I thought of it like that all the time. I’d kill myself I can’t think like that all the time, and it’s not all like that. For some people, watching me go off fulfills a dying wish. I can ignite wonder and amazement in imaginations. I can inspire children, hell, even adults, to become park rangers, volunteers. I can inspire the next generation of groundbreaking geologists.
“Hey, have you been to Oregon? Idaho? Ever seen Crater Lake, Craters of the Moon, or those lava flows off the highway? I suggest you look into it if you have the time.
“My eruptions aren’t as frequent as they used to be. I fell victim to tiny tiny tremors years ago, and I’ve slowed down. It’s happening to all of us. In this landscape change is the only constant. People come and go. Hotels come and go. Earthquakes come and go. They happen everyday. Hundreds of’em. Earthquakes everyday here in the park. Most of them so small you can’t even feel it on the surface.
“Some people say the super volcano that created me could blow again any day now. Or who knows? Come back in another 50 years, and I could be snuffed out silent, just another pothole. This whole park, this whole caldera may be reclaimed by fresh pine forests. That’s how I like to imagine it anyway.”