Vodka and Poultry and PI in the Sky by KT Tyler - HTML preview

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  1. The Doctor

Harvey steps up to the podium with all the swagger and self-assurance of the old master himself. True, the young man had made some significant finds over the past four years, but four years is still only four years. Moshe Lowenstein has been out there for decades and, while Harvey refers to him as the dinosaur, to nearly everyone else in the field Moshe is the Master.

Remembering his postgraduate days at New York University as if they were yesterday, Harvey looks out with mild surprise at the fifty or so grad students who had come to hear his dissertation on ancient Middle Eastern history. For a Friday afternoon, in the middle of Kansas, this is an unexpectedly good turnout. He thanks Professor Horace Wolfe for the warm welcome, clears his throat and begins:

“To deny a people the man whom it praises as the greatest of its sons is not a deed to be undertaken lightheartedly, especially by one belonging to that people. No consideration, however, will move me to set aside truth in favor of supposed national interest.”

Pause for effect, and…

“Good morning. I am Dr. Harvey Kessler. I open with those noble words, words that I am sure many of you are familiar with, not because I am here to defend Freud’s theory, a theory which in fact I do not entirely agree with, but because the accumulation of hard evidence that we now have at our disposal can no longer be buried, distorted, ridiculed or simply ignored. As archaeologists and students of ancient history, it is our job to uncover clues about our past in order to help us better understand who we are today, and where we are going both as individuals and as a people. If we intentionally set out to rebury or alter these clues because they do not fit with our particular mythology, then, in my humble opinion, we can no longer call ourselves scholars and scientists.”

Before he can finish the sentence, there’s a shuffling in the audience as several students gather their things and stand up to leave. Here we go again, thinks Harvey.

“Ladies and gentlemen,”, he says quietly, trying to remain calm, “please, if we do not listen we cannot learn. I ask you, as a matter of professional courtesy, to disregard what I have to say only after I have said it. A couple of hours of your time are all I ask, and afterward, if you like, you can throw the Book at me.” A few of the mutineers smile and hesitate, but the rest keep moving even more briskly toward the door, some expressing their displeasure both verbally and digitally.

“How can you call yourselves scholars if you fear or ridicule opinions that…”

The door closes behind the offended ones with a premeditated slam.

“…differ from your own.” Harvey thanks the three returning to their seats and continues, “Now, I would like to show you a series of slides from our most recent digs in Jerusalem. The main site is just outside the north wall of the old city, and the others are dwellings recently uncovered within the walls that date from the early twelfth to late fourth centuries BC. These finds are both exciting and controversial, as they seem to cast even more doubt on our current view of the region’s history.

“Let me begin by taking you back in time. It is the year 621 BC; six centuries after the death of Moses. This was a time of religious and tribal upheaval during which the priesthood was losing the immense power it once held over the people; people who, according to Exodus, Leviticus, and many other references were still worshipping their traditional natural gods.

This was the year that Hilkiah, high priest of the Hebrews, is said to have discovered the Book of Laws.”

More grumbling can be heard as Doctor Kessler flips through several slides of idols and amulets that his team had recently unearthed.

“All of these artifacts date from between 900 and 630 BC and strongly support the position that nothing resembling monotheism existed in Jerusalem prior to Hilkiah’s discovery. Add to this the fact that we have no mention of Moses in any historical record prior to this time and we begin to see a picture emerging which is quite different from the generally accepted view.”

The grumblings continue and there have been one or two more dropouts, but Harvey manages to get through the remainder of his slides without any serious disruptions. It isn’t long, however, before he strikes another nerve.

“So, what was really going on between the Hebrew priests and the Assyrians? What kind of a deal did they make, and what were the conditions? Is it possible, as legend suggests, that they succumbed to the demands of Ashurbanipal; that the lowly god of storms, Yahweh, should be promoted to King of the Gods over all of Judea?  This would certainly have helped to solidify the rule of King Josiah, but what was in it for the Assyrians?”

A young woman in the front row shakes her head and scolds Harvey as if he were a five-year-old.

“The Hebrew were the chosen people, not the Assyrians.”

“That’s right,”, Harvey fires back, “and it was the King of Assyria who chose them that they should go forth and extend the domain of his favorite god, Yahweh. Do you think it is merely a coincidence that no less than three separate Assyrian texts from this period document this moment as the birth of the God of Abraham?”

“Bullshit, Doctor.”, the doctor is drawn out mockingly. “This is all absolute bullshit!” bellows the big Kansas ball player from the back of the auditorium. “You are nothing but atheist pagan scum and we do not have to sit here and listen to you blaspheme any longer!” The young man rises and storms out pulling two entire rows of noisy supporters in his wake. Professor Wolfe wonders why he did not see this coming.

“Wait a minute.”, protests Harvey, “I am not scum.”

But it’s too late, the mass exodus has begun. Within minutes there are only a handful of students remaining, not counting the group of evangelicals Harvey had noticed when he first came in. He can see that they are getting ready to pounce. This is only his fourth lecture but he can spot them immediately. He wonders again what it is that sets them apart, but still cannot put his finger on it. Realizing that he has once again gone too far, Harvey decides to go a little farther.

“Freud’s postulation that Moses was not a Jew at all sent shockwaves when he first published it, and as you can see by the reaction here today, not much has changed. It is doubtful, however, that Moses lived with the royal family of Akhenaton, as Freud suggested; or for that matter that he ever lived at all.”

“Oh, that’s beautiful.” comes from another quarter, “This is how you people are, isn’t it? You’ll say anything if it’ll make you a buck.”

Professor Wolfe is out of his seat in a flash.

“Mr. Albright! Get out! Consider yourself on suspension.”

“I’m only speaking the truth, sir, unlike this heathen bastard.”

“Out!” Professor Wolfe waits for the boy to leave. “I’m sorry for that, Dr. Kessler, but…I didn’t realize your remarks would be quite so…inflammatory. It might have been better if you had warned us in advance.”

“Yes, of course, my fault entirely. Ladies and gentleman, please accept my most sincere apologies for offending nearly everyone in the room. Slides and hand outs are available; take some for your friends …”, he leaves it at that and can’t help smiling when the born agains finally get into their act.

“And God spoke unto Moses, the heretic shall fall as the infidel...”

Which brings Professor Wolfe wearily back to his feet.

“Please, not again. Don’t you people have homework or something?”

“The Lord God shall smite the Philistine...,” the boy continues.

“And create another asshole.”, mumbles Harvey just as an older more subdued voice rises from behind.

“Is it always like this?”

With ‘asshole’ still hanging in the air, Dr. Kessler turns around to find a short, rather portly priest smiling up at him.