Suddenly I was better. I quite recovered from my fever and only lay still on my bed, weak, and very hungry. I was happy, happy as I had not been since I came to Petrograd. I felt al the luxury of convalescence creeping into my bones. All that I need do was to lie there and let people feed me and read a little if it did not make my head ache. I had a water-colour painted by Alexander Benois on the wal opposite me, a night in the Caucasus, with a heavy sweep of black hill, a deep blue steady sky, and a thin grey road running into endless distance. A pleasing picture, with no finality in its appeal--intimate too, so that it was one's own road and one's own hill. I had bought it extravagantly, at last year's "_Mir Eskoustva_," and now I was pleased at my extravagance.
Marfa was very good to me, feeding me, and being cross with me to make me take an interest in things, and acting with wonderful judgement about my visitors. Numbers of people, English and Russian, came to see me--I had not known that I had so many friends. I felt amiable to all the world, and hopeful about it, too. I looked back on the period before my illness as a bad dream.
People told me I was foolish to live out in this wretched place of mine, where it was cold and wild and lonely. And then when they came again they were not so sure, and they looked out on the ice that shone in waves and shadows of light under the sun, and thought that perhaps they too would try. But of course, I knew wel that they would not....
As I grew stronger I felt an intense and burning interest in the history that had been developing when I fel ill. I heard that Vera Michailovna and Nina had cal ed many times. Markovitch had been, and Henry Bohun and Lawrence.
Then, one sunny afternoon, Henry Bohun came in and I was surprised at my pleasure at the sight of him. He was shocked at the change in me, and was too young to conceal it.
"Oh, you do look bad!" were his first words as he sat down by my bed. "I say, are you comfortable here? Wouldn't you rather be somewhere with conveniences--telephone and lifts and things?"
"Not at al !" I answered. "I've got a telephone. I'm very happy where I am."
"It is a queer place," he said. "Isn't it awful y unhealthy?"
"Quite the reverse--with the sea in front of it! About the healthiest spot in Petrograd!"
"But I should get the blues here. So lonely and quiet. Petrograd is a strange town! Most people don't dream there's a queer place like this."
"That's why I like it," I said. "I expect there are lots of queer places in Petrograd if you only knew."
He wandered about the room, looking at my few pictures and my books and my writing-table. At last he sat down again by my bed.
"Now tel me al the news," I said.
"News?" he asked. He looked uncomfortable, and I saw at once that he had come to confide something in me. "What sort of news? Political?"
"Anything."
"Well, politics are about the same. They say there's going to be an awful row in February when the Duma meets--but then other people say there won't be a row at al until the war is over."
"What else do they say?"
"They say Protopopoff is up to al sorts of tricks. That he says prayers with the Empress and they summon Rasputin's ghost.... That's all rot of course. But he does just what the Empress tel s him, and they're going to enslave the whole country and hand it over to Germany."
"What will they do that for?" I asked.
"Why, then, the Czarevitch will have it--under Germany. They say that none of the munitions are going to the Front, and Protopopoff's keeping them al to blow up the people here with."
"What else?" I asked sarcastical y.
"No, but real y, there's something in it, I expect." Henry looked serious and important. "Then on the other hand, Clutton-Davies says the Czar's absolutely all right, dead keen on the war and hates Germany...
_I_ don't know--but Clutton-Davies sees him nearly every day."
"Anything else?" I asked.
"Oh, food's worse than ever! Going up every day, and the bread queues are longer and longer. The Germans have spies in the queues, women who go up and down tel ing people it's al England's fault."
"And people are just the same?"
"Just the same; Donons' and the Bear are crowded every day. You can't get a table. So are the cinematographs and the theatres. I went to the Bal et last night."
"What was it?"
"'La fille mal gardee'--Karsavina dancing divinely. Every one was there."
This closed the strain of public information. I led him further.
"Well, Bohun, what about our friends the Markovitches?" I asked. "How are you getting on there?"
He blushed and looked at his boots.
"Al right," he said. "They're very decent."
Then he burst out with: "I say, Durward, what do you think of this uncle that's turned up, the doctor chap?"
"Nothing particular. Why?"
"You were with him at the Front, weren't you?"
"I was."
"Was he a good doctor?"
"Excel ent."
"He had a love affair at the Front, hadn't he?"
"Yes."
"And she was killed?"
"Yes."
"Poor devil...." Then he added: "Did he mind very much?"
"Very much."
"Funny thing, you wouldn't think he would."
"Why not," I asked.
"Oh, he looks a hard sort of fellow--as though he'd stand anything. I wouldn't like to have a row with him."
"Has he been to the Markovitches much lately?"
"Yes--almost every evening."
"What does he do there?"
"Oh, just sits and talks. Markovitch can't bear him. You can see that easily enough. He teases him."
"How do you mean?" I asked.
"Oh, he laughs at him al the time, at his inventions and that kind of thing. Markovitch gets awful y wild. He is bit of an ass, isn't he?"
"Do you like Semyonov?" I asked.
"I do rather," said Henry. "He's very decent to me. I had a walk with him one afternoon. He said you were awful y brave at the Front."
"Thank him for nothing," I said.
"And he said you didn't like him--don't you?"
"Ah, that's too old a story," I answered. "We know what we feel about one another."
"Well, Lawrence simply hates him," continued Bohun. "He says he's the most thundering cad, and as bad as you make them. I don't see how he can tel ."
This interested me extremely. "When did he tel you this?" I asked.
"Yesterday. I asked him what he had to judge by and he said instinct. I said he'd no right to go only by that."
"Has Lawrence been much to the Markovitches?"
"Yes--once or twice. He just sits there and never opens his mouth."
"Very wise of him if he hasn't got anything to say."
"No, but real y--do you think so? It doesn't make him popular."
"Why, who doesn't like him?"
"Nobody," answered Henry ungrammatically. "None of the English anyway.
They can't stand him at the Embassy or the Mission. They say he's fearfully stuck-up and thinks about nothing but himself.... I don't agree, of course--al the same, he might make himself more agreeable to people."
"What nonsense!" I answered hotly. "Lawrence is one of the best fel ows that ever breathed. The Markovitches don't dislike him, do they?"
"No, he's quite different with them. Vera Michailovna likes him I know."
It was the first time that he had mentioned her name to me. He turned towards me now, his face crimson. "I say--that's really what I came to talk about, Durward. I care for her madly!... I'd die for her. I would really. I love her, Durward. I see now I've never loved anybody before."
"Well, what will you do about it?"
"Do about it?... Why nothing, of course. It's all perfectly hopeless.
In the first place, there's Markovitch."
"Yes. There's Markovitch," I agreed.
"She doesn't care for him--does she? You know that--" He waited, eagerly staring into my face.
I had a temptation to laugh. He was so very young, so very helpless, and yet--that sense of his youth had pathos in it too, and I suddenly liked young Bohun--for the first time.
"Look here, Bohun," I said, trying to speak with a proper solemnity.
"Don't be a young ass. You know that it's hopeless, any feeling of that kind. She _does_ care for her husband. She could never care for you in that way, and you'd only make trouble for them all if you went on with it.... On the other hand, she needs a friend badly. You can do that for her. Be her pal. See that things are al right in the house. Make a friend of Markovitch himself. Look after _him!_"
"Look after Markovitch!" Bohun exclaimed.
"Yes... I don't want to be melodramatic, but there's trouble coming there; and if you're the friend of them al , you can help--more than you know. Only none of the other business--"
Bohun flushed. "She doesn't know--she never will. I only want to be a friend of hers, as you put it. Anything else is hopeless, of course.
I'm not the kind of fellow she'd ever look at, even if Markovitch wasn't there. But if I can do anything... I'd be awful y glad. What kind of trouble do you mean?" he asked.
"Probably nothing," I said; "only she wants a friend. And Markovitch wants one too."
There was a pause--then Bohun said, "I say, Durward--what an awful ass I was."
"What about?" I asked.
"About my poetry--and al that. Thinking it so important."
"Yes," I said, "you were."
"I've written some poetry to her and I tore it up," he ended.
"That's a good thing," said I.
"I'm glad I told you," he said. He got up to go. "I say, Durward--"
"Well," I asked.
"You're an awful y funny chap. Not a bit what you look--"
"That's all right," I said; "I know what you mean."
"Well, good-night," he said, and went.
XVI
I thought that night, as I lay cosily in my dusky room, of those old stories by Wilkie Collins that had once upon a time so deeply engrossed my interest--stories in which, because some one has disappeared on a snowy night, or painted his face blue, or locked up a room and lost the key, or broken down in his carriage on a windy night at the cross-roads, dozens of people are involved, diaries are written, confessions are made, and al the characters move along different roads towards the same lighted, comfortable Inn. That is the kind of story that intrigues me, whether it be written about out-side mysteries by Wilkie Collins or inside mysteries by the great creator of "The Golden Bowl" or mysteries of both kinds, such as Henry Gal eon has given us. I remember a friend of mine, James Maradick, once saying to me, "It's no use trying to keep out of things. As soon as they want to put you in--you're in. The moment you're born, you're done for."
It's just that spectacle of some poor innocent being suddenly caught into some affair, against his will, without his knowledge, but to the most serious alteration of his character and fortunes, that one watches with a delight almost malicious--whether it be _The Woman in White, The Wings of the Dove,_ or _The Roads_ that offer it us. Wel , I had now to face the fact that something of this kind had happened to myself.
I was drawn in--and I was glad. I luxuriated in my gladness, lying there in my room under the wavering, uncertain light of two candles, hearing the church bells clanging and echoing mysteriously beyond the wal . I lay there with a consciousness of being on the very verge of some adventure, with the assurance, too, that I was to be of use once more, to play my part, to fling aside, thank God, that old cloak of apathetic disappointment, of selfish betrayal, of cynical disbelief. Semyonov had brought the old life back to me and I had shrunk from the impact of it; but he had brought back to me, too, the presences of my absent friends who, during these weary months, had been lost to me. It seemed to me that, in the flickering twilight, John and Marie were bringing forward to me Vera and Nina and Jerry and asking me to look after them.... I would do my best.
And while I was thinking of these things Vera Michailovna came in. She was suddenly in the room, standing there, her furs up to her throat, her body in shadow, but her large, grave eyes shining through the candlelight, her mouth smiling.
"Is it all right?" she said, coming forward. "I'm not in the way? You're not sleeping?"
I told her that I was delighted to see her.
"I've been almost every day, but Marfa told me you were not wel enough.
She _does_ guard you--like a dragon. But to-night Nina and I are going to Rozanov's, to a party, and she said she'd meet me here.... Shan't I worry you?"
"Worry me! You're the most restful friend I have--" I felt so glad to see her that I was surprised at my own happiness. She sat down near to me, very quietly, moving, as she always did, softly and surely.
I could see that she was distressed because I looked ill, but she asked me no tiresome questions, said nothing about my madness in living as I did (always so irritating, as though I were a stupid child), praised the room, admired the Benois picture, and then talked in her soft, kindly voice.
"We've missed you so much, Nina and I," she said. "I told Nina that if she came to-night she wasn't to make a noise and disturb you."
"She can make as much noise as she likes," I said. "I like the right kind of noise."
We talked a little about politics and England and anything that came into our minds. We both felt, I know, a delightful, easy intimacy and friendliness and trust. I had never with any other woman felt such a sense of friendship, something almost masculine in its comradeship and honesty. And to-night this bond between us strengthened wonderfully. I blessed my luck. I saw that there were dark lines under her eyes and that she was pale.
"You're tired," I said.
"Yes, I am," she acknowledged. "And I don't know why. At least, I do know. I'm going to use you selfishly, Durdles. I'm going to tell you al my troubles and ask your help in every possible way. I'm going to let you off nothing."
I took her hand.
"I'm proud," I said, "now and always."
"Do you know that I've never asked any one's help before? I was rather conceited that I could get on always without it. When I was very smal I wouldn't take a word of advice from any one, and mother and father, when I was tiny, used to consult me about everything. Then they were killed and I _had_ to go on alone.... And after that, when I married Nicholas, it was I again who decided everything. And my mistakes taught me nothing. I didn't want them to teach me."
She spoke that last word fiercely, and through the note that came into her voice I saw suddenly the potentialities that were in her, the other creature that she might be if she were ever awakened.
She talked then for a long time. She didn't move at all; her head rested on her hand and her eyes watched me. As I listened I thought of my other friend Marie, who now was dead, and how restless she was when she spoke, moving about the room, stopping to demand my approval, protesting against my criticism, laughing, crying out.... Vera was so still, so wise, too, in comparison with Marie, braver too--and yet the same heart, the same charity, the same nobility.
But she was my friend, and Marie I had loved.... The difference in that!
And how much easier now to help than it had been then, simply because one's own soul _was_ one's own and one stood by oneself!
How happy a thing freedom is--and how lonely!
She told me many things that I need not repeat here, but, as she talked, I saw how, far more deeply than I had imagined, Nina had been the heart of the whole of her life. She had watched over her, protected her, advised her, warned her, and loved her, passionately, jealously, almost madly all the time.
"When I married Nicholas," she said, "I thought of Nina more than any one else. That was wrong.... I ought to have thought most of Nicholas; but I knew that I could give her a home, that she could have everything she wanted. And still she would be with me. Nicholas was only too ready for that. I thought I would care for her until some one came who was worthy of her, and who would look after her far better than I ever could.
"But the only person who had come was Boris Grogoff. He loved Nina from the first moment, in his own careless, conceited, opinionated way."
"Why did you let him come so often to the house if you didn't approve of him?" I asked.
"How could I prevent it?" she asked me. "We Russians are not like the English. In England I know you just shut the door and say, 'Not at home.'
"Here if any one wanted to come he comes. Very often we hate him for coming, but still there it is. It is too much trouble to turn him out, besides it wouldn't be kind--and anyway they wouldn't go. You can be as rude as you like here and nobody cares. For a long while Nina paid no attention to Boris. She doesn't like him. She will never like him, I'm sure. But now, these last weeks, I've begun to be afraid. In some way, he has power over her--not much power, but a little--and she is so young, so ignorant--she knows nothing.
"Until lately she always told me everything. Now she tel s me nothing.
She's strange with me; angry for nothing. Then sorry and sweet again--then suddenly angry.... She's excited and wild, going out all the time, but unhappy too.... I _know_ she's unhappy. I can feel it as though it were myself."
"You're imagining things," I said. "Now when the war's reached this period we're al nervous and overstrung. The atmosphere of this town is enough to make any one fancy that they see anything. Nina's all right."
"I'm losing her! I'm losing her!" Vera cried, suddenly stretching out her hand as though in a gesture of appeal. "She must stay with me. I don't know what's happening to her. Ah, and I'm so lonely without her!"
There was silence between us for a little, and then she went on.
"Durdles, I did wrong to marry Nicholas--wrong to Nina, wrong to Nicholas, wrong to myself, I thought it was right. I didn't love Nicholas--I never loved him and I never pretended to. He knew that I did not. But I thought then that I was above love, that knowledge was what mattered. Ideas--saving the world--and he had _such_ ideas! Wonderful!
There was, I thought, nothing that he would not be able to do if only he were helped enough. He wanted help in every way. He was such a child, so unhappy, so lonely, I thought that I could give him everything that he needed. Don't fancy that I thought that I sacrificed myself. I felt that I was the luckiest girl in all the world--and still, now when I see that he is not strong enough for his ideas I care for him as I did then, and I would never let any trouble touch him if I could help it. But if--if--"
She paused, turned away from me, looking towards the window.
"If, after all, I was wrong. If, after al , I was meant to love. If love were to come now... real love... now...."
She broke off, suddenly stood up, and very low, almost whispering, said:
"I have fancied lately that it might come. And then, what should I do?
Oh, what should I do? With Nicholas and Nina and al the trouble there is now in the world--and Russia--I'm afraid of myself--and ashamed...."
I could not speak. I was utterly astonished. Could it be Bohun of whom she was speaking? No, I saw at once that the idea was ludicrous. But if not--.
I took her hand.
"Vera," I said. "Believe me. I'm much older than you, and I know. Love's always selfish, always cruel to others, always means trouble, sorrow, and disappointment. But it's worth it, even when it brings complete disaster. Life isn't life without it."
I felt her hand tremble in mine.
"I don't know," she said, "I know nothing of it, except my love for Nina. It isn't that now there's anybody. Don't think that. There is no one--no one. Only my self-confidence is gone. I can't see clearly any more. My duty is to Nina and Nicholas. And if they are happy nothing else matters--nothing. And I'm afraid that I'm going to do them harm."
She paused as though she were listening. "There's no one there, is there?" she asked me--"there by the door?"
"No--no one."
"There are so many noises in this house. Don't they disturb you?"
"I don't think of them now. I'm used to them--and in fact I like them."
She went on: "It's Uncle Alexei of course. He comes to see us nearly every day. He's very pleasant, more pleasant than he has ever been before, but he has a dreadful effect on Nicholas--"
"I know the effect he can have," I said.
"I know that Nicholas has been feeling for a long time that his inventions are no use. He will never own it to me or to any one--but I can tel . I know it so well. The war came and his new feeling about Russia carried him along. He put everything into that. Now that has failed him, and he despises himself for having expected it to do otherwise. He's raging about, trying to find something that he can believe in, and Uncle Alexei knows that and plays on that.... He teases him; he drives him wild and then makes him happy again. He can do anything with him he pleases. He always could. But now he has some plan.
I used to think that he simply laughed at people because it amused him to see how weak they can be. But now there's more than that. He's been hurt himself at last, and that has hurt his pride, and he wants to hurt back.... It's all in the dark. The war's in the dark... everything...."
Then she smiled and put her hand on my arm. "That's why I've come to you, because I trust you and believe you and know you say what you mean."
Once before Marie had said those same words to me. It was as though I heard her voice again.
"I won't fail you," I said.
There was a knock on the door, it was flung open as though by the wind, and Nina was with us. Her face was rosy with the cold, her eyes laughed under her little round fur cap. She came running across the room, pulled herself up with a little cry beside the bed, and then flung herself upon me, throwing her arms around my neck and kissing me.
"My dear Nina!" cried Vera.
She looked up, laughing.
"Why not? Poor Durdles. Are you better? _Biednie_... give me your hands. But--how cold they are! And there are draughts everywhere. I've brought you some chocolates--and a book."
"My dear!..." Vera cried again. "He won't like _that_," pointing to a work of fiction by a modern Russian literary lady whose heart and brain are of the succulent variety.
"Why not? She's very good. It's lovely! Al about impossible people!
Durdles, _dear_! I'll give up the party. We won't go. We'll sit here and entertain you. I'll send Boris away. We'll tel him we don't want him."
"Boris!" cried Vera.
"Yes," Nina laughed a little uneasily, I thought. "I know you said he wasn't to come. He'll quarrel with Rozanov of course. But he said he would. And so how was one to prevent him? You're always so tiresome, Vera.... I'm not a baby now, nor is Boris. If he wants to come he shal come."
Vera stood away from us both. I could see that she was very angry. I had never seen her angry before.
"You know that it's impossible, Nina," she said. "You know that Rozanov hates him. And besides--there are other reasons. You know them perfectly well, Nina."
Nina stood there pouting, tears were in her eyes.
"You're unfair," she said. "You don't let me do anything. You give me no freedom, I don't care for Boris, but if he wants to go he shal go. I'm grown up now. You have your Lawrence. Let me have my Boris."
"My Lawrence?" asked Vera.
"Yes. You know that you're always wanting him to come--always looking for him. I like him, too. I like him very much. But you never let me talk to him. You never--"
"Quiet, Nina." Vera's voice was trembling. Her face was sterner than I'd ever seen it. "You're making me angry."
"I don't care how angry I make you. It's true. You're impossible now.
Why shouldn't I have my friends? I've nobody now. You never let me have anybody. And I like Mr. Lawrence--"
She began to sob, looking the most desolate figure.
Vera turned.
"You don't know what you've said, Nina, nor how you've hurt.... You can go to your party as you please--"
And before I could stop her she was gone.
Nina turned to me a breathless, tearful face. She waited; we heard the door below closed.
"Oh, Durdles, what have I done?"
"Go after her! Stop her!" I said.
Nina vanished and I was alone. My room was intensely quiet.
XVII
They didn't come to see me again together. Vera came twice, kind and good as always, but with no more confidences; and Nina once with flowers and fruit and a wild chattering tongue about the cinemas and Smyrnov, who was delighting the world at the Narodny Dom, and the wonderful performance of Lermontov's "Masquerade" that was shortly to take place at the Alexander Theatre.
"Are you and Vera friends again?" I asked her.
"Oh yes! Why not?" And she went on, snapping a chocolate almond between her teeth--"The one at the 'Piccadilly' is the best. It's an Italian one, and there's a giant in it who throws people all over the place, out of windows and everywhere. Ah! how lovely!... I wish I could go every night."
"You ought to be helping with the war," I said severely.
"Oh, I hate the war!" she answered. "We're all terribly tired of it.
Tanya's given up going to the English hospital now, and is just meaning to be as gay as she can be; and Zinaida Fyodorovna had just come back from her Otriad on the Galician front, and she says it's shocking there now--no food or dancing or anything. Why doesn't every one make peace?"
"Do you want the Germans to rule Russia?" I asked.
"Why not?" she said, laughing. "We can't do it ourselves. We don't care who does it. The English can do it if they like, only they're too lazy to bother. The German's aren't lazy, and if they were here we'd have lots of theatres and cinematographs."
"Don't you love your country?" I asked.
"This isn't our country," she answered. "It just belongs to the Empress and Protopopoff."
"Supposing it became your country and the Emperor went?"
"Oh, then it would belong to a million different people, and in the end no one would have anything. Can't you see how they'd fight?"... She burst out laughing: "Boris and Nicholas and Uncle Alexei and al the others!"
Then she was suddenly serious.
"I know, Durdles, you consider that I'm so young and frivolous that I don't think of anything serious. But I can see things like any one else.
Can't you see that we're all so disappointed with ourselves that nothing matters? We thought the war was going to be so fine--but now it's just like the Japanese one, al robbery and lies--and we can't do anything to stop it."
"Perhaps some day some one will," I said.
"Oh yes!" she answered scornfully, "men like Boris."
After that she refused to be grave for a moment, danced about the room, singing, and final y vanished, a whirlwind of blue silk.
* * * * *
A week later I was out in the world again. That curious sense of excitement that had first come to me during the early days of my illness burnt now more fiercely than ever. I cannot say what it was exactly that I thought was going to happen. I have often looked back, as many other people must have done, to those days in February and wondered whether I foresaw anything of what was to come, and what were the things that might have seemed to me significant if I had noticed them. And here I am deliberately speaking of both public and private affairs. I cannot quite frankly dissever the two. At the Front, a year and a half before, I had discovered how intermingled the souls of individuals and the souls of countries were, and how permanent private history seemed to me and how transient public events; but whether that was true or no before, it was now most certain that it was the story of certain individuals that I was to record,--the history that was being made behind them could at its best be only a background.I seemed to step into a city ablaze with a si