LIFE ON HOLD
Perplexed, bothered, bewildered, and groping in the dark, Roger faced still another turning point in his life. While his ended marriage may have signaled a period of sadness and remorse, he determined not to look back in anger, nor ahead in fear. Moreover, rather than to turn away vengeful and embittered, he stepped forward with renewed faith and strengthened confidence. Aware that it might take him years to adjust to Josie’s absence from his life, he started to work diligently towards giving his children a sense of security and showing them unwavering fatherly love.
The end of 1982 brought with it an end to the recession in the United States and the beginning of a period of depression in the Fernández family. There was no joy in preparation for Christmas; only the sadness of a broken home and a missing mother. Josie’s daily appearance in the house to do her laundry or just to be seen produced at once, hope and resentment when she entered and relief and anger when she left, specially on Christmas day when she brought gifts for everybody, including for Roger (a gift he did not accept), and then left saying: “Well, I am on my way to the Brea Community Hospital to visit the sick”. Her own family was sick, emotionally drained, physically exhausted, Roger thought: Why can’t she attend to her unhealthy family whose only remedy is her love and dedication? But she left them, suffering, to console some strangers…
Roger should share, perhaps, some or most of the blame for Josie’s quick exit from the house that Christmas day. He failed to summon all of his capacity for kindness and understanding and to welcome her by accepting her gift which may or may not have been an opening toward healing. He succumbed, instead, to bitterness and anger, and then yelled at her in reaction to some comments she made about her new life. When she left, he was sad and tearful for he wanted her to stay, and instead he chased her out of the house with his unyielding attitude. He knew that his pride had taken the worst of him… and he was sorry, but that was too late. After he calmed down, he told Suni: “ I was unnecessarily rough with your mother, wasn’t I?” Suni’s reply was unequivocal: “You surely were, dad”. Roger continued: “that treatment was uncalled for, and I blew it”. Suni agreed, but Roger became repentant too late.
From the moment of her formal departure from home, Josie called Roger very frequently, either early in the morning before both went to work, or late in the evening. Often in those conversations, she used the words “you” (straight people) and “us” (gay people). In one occasion, she continued the conversation by saying to Roger: “Listen my love…” Roger interrupted her: “Don’t you dare call me your love…” and proceeded to let her know what love really means, an obvious wrong move, for Josie just hung up on him.
That night Roger did not sleep at all. The next day, January 18, 1983, he wrote Josie a letter that clearly revealed his state of mind at the time:
My beautiful darling,
Last night, when we finished talking, I felt very sad for two reasons: I felt I had used the time to talk to you in a way that was not fair, since I did preach at times, and also because I failed to show you how much I do love you, cherish you, miss you and need your companionship, not sex necessarily. You should know that your companionship and praying with you is what I miss most, odd as it may sound to you.
I could not sleep last night, and I started reading some of your material. I found that the woman whom I have loved so much, the woman who has been everything in my life is indeed a terrific woman… the best. How foolish I was not to have read all your writings before. You have so much to offer intellectually and spiritually! And I say this not because I want to pacify you, but rather convincingly. I knew what an exceptional wife I have, but never told you so, or never manifested it to you, even though I mentioned it to many, many people.
Somehow, life without that beautiful human being is not the same, life without her is just hurt, life without her is pure waste. I cannot conceive myself living without you, for I will never be able to feel as much love for anyone else as I feel for you…
When you first mentioned to me to marry someone else and form a new home with her I remember telling you that I do not care about anybody else, that I care about you only. That feeling is still the same, if not much clearer and stronger…
Upon getting up this morning, I felt such a strong urge to call you and tell you how much I care about you, how much I appreciate you, how much I miss your warmth as a person in our home, how much the kids are missing you. I must tell you, frankly, I miss that joyful “Hi” you used to say when you deposited your books on the table…. even though at times no one answered it, but it was so nice to hear… for just to hear your voice brings life in the home which is now empty and cold because of the absence of a very warm person, called Josie, the heart and soul of that home…
This has been very trying for me, and in the confusion, I have not been able to handle the situation very well and I have told you things I did not mean. When I told you off on the 25th of December it was more out of anger and almost despair that I yelled at you… When you left, I burst out crying because I knew I had been unfair to you, that I wanted you to be with us that day, but my pride took the best of me, or rather the worst of me. You do not know how sorry I am about that…
Once I told you not to come to wash the clothes. That, too, was an unfortunate statement, since I do miss you entering into the house more often. Just the day before yesterday I was outside in the backyard sitting where you sometimes used to sit and I heard a voice that sounded like yours, and I rushed running into the house yelling: “Josie, Josie…”, only to realize that it was not you…
I have been reviewing in my mind our past years together: our trips around the world, our good times at home and our bad times. Somehow our worst times seem preferable to the best times with another woman. I was thinking the other day about what Greg told your mother: “We, the older kids, have been very fortunate to have had the best parents around. Now the younger ones will not have that same opportunity”. I agree, and I have a suggestion which I hope it is not too late to explore, since you already had it before, and I failed to pick it up.
In July, to have a better relationship with you, I gave up several things, among them the news. Then, we said the prayers together before going to sleep and in the morning. I still say the prayers with you, only this time I turn around to your side of the bed and find only a cold pillow, not Josie’s warm and beautiful body… We started talking softly to each other, we caressed each other, we loved each other: it was like a second honeymoon here on earth… I propose that we come back together again, both as celibates as you proposed before. I will make the vow of celibacy ONLY AND IF you so desire.
This idea was already expressed by you and, as you know, I was a celibate for twenty-eight years, five of them with a vow. This way our children can have a father and a mother without them knowing this pledge to each other until you choose otherwise. We can go out together as you once suggested, and both of us can live a life of celibacy, only for me this time around will be with a gorgeous woman to support me. You mean so much to me…! Your companionship is so refreshing and inspiring to me…! I love you so much and the children need you so much that this kind of sacrifice is worth doing, for your presence is dynamite in the house and you are a very precious person indeed.
I say this from the bottom of my heart, and I mean it. We want you, Josie… We need you… We do not want, nor need anybody else but you… Your face, your voice, your eyes, your presence brings so much joy to my heart and so much peace to our home that I can dispense with something you consider not to your taste…
Written at the heels of some rough, verbal exchanges in which Josie showed growing despise for men and Roger expressed increasing annoyance at her new way of life, Roger’s sincere letter of reconciliation failed to produce the intended result. On the contrary, Josie sent him a terse response that emphasized her negative perception of their married life, and totally ignored Roger’s proposal of getting back together and live a celibate life together, an idea that had originally been hers.
From Roger’s perspective, Josie’s perception of their married life was a sad distortion of a confused and angered woman, for less than two years earlier she had written a letter that was published in the “Fullerton Daily News Tribune”, hailing her husband Roger as a true hero, lavishing praises on him and proposing him as a model father because of his exemplary behavior toward her and their children. Nonetheless, Roger wrote a shorter letter to her apologizing for any of those times she had felt mistreated and repeated the offer. She did not reply to that letter.
Meanwhile, news of Roger’s and Josie’s separation reached the Dominican Republic where her father, Manolo Fernández Mármol was Vice President. He had assumed that high position after winning the election on Jorge Blanco’s ticket in May of 1982. Apparently very disturbed by the turn of events in his daughter’s life, Manolo called Roger sometime in January of 1983 asking for Josie’s whereabouts. Roger did not explain anything to his father-in-law, but arranged for him to call at a later time. In a somewhat skeptical and sad tone, Manolo said goodby and hung up.
That was the last time Roger talked to his father-in-law, for three days after that, Josie’s sister, Sagie, called asking for Josie and informing Roger that Manolo had passed away. Not only had she received confirmation from Santo Domingo, but the news had been on radio for over an hour. It was important to find Josie, in case she heard the news while driving and something might happen to her because of her close relation with her father. After a long search throughout Southern California, Roger found where Josie was going to be at a certain hour. He drove to Long Beach to a friend’s house where she was expected. When Josie arrived, Roger broke the news to her as gently as he could. To the shocking surprise of the many people present who were not aware of Roger’s and Josie’s situation, Josie turned to Agatha in tears for consolation. Roger left, dejected and in pain, to find solace alone…
NEW ADJUSTMENTS
In reality, though, Josie’s insensitive reaction and rejection was only a small part of what was troubling Roger. His real problem was a recurring homesickness and an evident inability to adjust to a new set of circumstances in his life. During his 40 mile drive back to Brea he brushed away some tears with the sleeve of his sweater wondering: “Why can’t she be what she used to be…. an affectionate and tender wife and a loving and caring mother?”, and “why can’t I be entitled to a normal family and a quiet and peaceful life?”
Roger fell into a mood of nostalgic reverie. His children were truly fortunate to have had a mother such as Josie in their formative years. She had been very understanding of their needs and worries… She had always given them excellent advice when in trouble… She had taken excellent care of them when in pain… She had taught them all how to read… As for himself, he felt very proud of his past with his children. He played with them… He coached them in soccer… He took them to the mountains, to miniature golf… He taught them all how to swim… Once a week he dedicated part of a day to each child individually so that each could be “alone with dad”…
All that is now gone or being threatened. Roger’s nostalgic reverie turned into present frustration and future anxiety. In his mind, Josie is now unstable and confused. She has lost all sense of responsibility and reality, and thinks only of herself and her personal satisfaction, to the point that she has put her paramour, Agatha, ahead of the children, even when they are sick… Should Roger continue to trust Chad and Manrique to her care on the basis of her past, a past she has rejected? Before, Josie respected, heralded and defended the Christian concept of family life, thought Roger. Now, her behavior shows disapproval of such values. She is a different woman altogether. She behaves differently… She thinks differently. She acts differently. “She is not the woman I married, nor the mother that made our children proud to be hers”, admitted Roger with sobbing resignation. When Roger arrived in Brea, he had to abandon the world of reverie and step down to the realm of present reality. Of the four minor children, only Carlos and Suni, ages 13 and 14 respectively, were living with him and the older brothers. They refused to visit their mother, let alone live with her, because, from their childhood, they had been part of a very united family, a reflection of their parents’ strong religious convictions and publicly expressed belief in the sanctity of family life.
As a consequence of their profound religious upbringing and good parental example from father and mother, the older children, as well as Carlos and Suni, who fully understood the situation, vehemently rejected their mother’s newly embraced life-style of homosexuality and wanted no part of it or of their mother. They often told her so in person, as evidenced by the pandemonium triggered by her revelation in July, and in phone conversations since she left the house.
Determined to have the children remember their mother as the terrific mother she was, Roger began to remind them of their past with her, and openly and convincingly blamed Agatha for their mother’s missteps. He knew there were dangers in rekindling their pain by recalling their mother’s past virtues, but he wanted that blissful past to erase their unpleasant memories of her present distasteful behavior. He chose to speak about her with nostalgic feelings in their presence, to condemn Agatha and the homosexual therapist for the invasion of their home and the cruel disruption of their secure and rewarding lives, and to shower Chad and Manuel with extra attention to reassure them of his love.
NEW CHALLENGES
Unfortunately for Roger, other problems loomed ahead that would mar a peaceful transition into his new living conditions and further strain the emotional convulsion he had suffered. Josie’s bitter reply to his letter of reconciliation showed, in his mind at least, an angry attempt of self-justification on her part for having renounced many of the principles she once held inviolate. While Roger was trying to solve new financial difficulties and close the two bookstores, she was asking him for an exorbitant amount of child support for Chad and Manrique. In her mushrooming despise for men and her often expressed desire to force Roger into moonlighting by “pumping gas”, she failed to realize that the amount of child support she was demanding would deprive the other children of even the essentials for survival. To Roger’s way of thinking, Josie had lost all sense of equilibrium and fairness showing knowledge of the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Reacting to Roger’s refusal to accede to her demands for child support and his threat to take Chad and Manrique away from her if she broke once more her promise not to expose them to Agatha’s influence, Josie called him at six o’clock one February morning informing him that he had to appear in court at three o’clock that afternoon. This was the beginning of a dozen or so court trips that crippled Roger financially and drained him emotionally.
Roger’s faith and character formation, his sense of responsibility towards his children and the security of his job saved him from certain physical and moral catastrophe. He often recalls with sadness Agatha’s husband’s reaction to the revelation of her “newly found” homosexuality. Agatha’s husband succumbed to heavy drinking, winding up in jail for driving under the influence of alcohol, lost his job and much weight, abandoned his children and fell into a life of debauchery.
Roger felt, at times, overwhelmed and discouraged by the severity of the problems that were besetting his life, disillusioned and betrayed by women he once respected and admired, invaded and maligned by homosexuals who seemed to flaunt public responsibility in pursuit of private individual rights. Nonetheless, he found enough fortitude to overcome these feelings and perceptions, and persevere with confidence in his mission as a father and a teacher. Throughout this turmoil he frequently cried himself to sleep, but appeared strong before his children, his students and his colleagues. In fact, he extracted much of his strength from his daily contact with them and from the work he loved. His colleagues found out about his separation from Josie one year after the fact, and only because a nun revealed the story to one of the professors he was working with.
Josie’s decision to take Roger to court and serve him with divorce papers in the second appearance on March 2, 1983, angered the older Fernández children and distanced them farther away from their mother. Their bitterness increased when she brought Agatha to court in their presence and particularly when they found out that Agatha’s children had seen them making love. This careless indis cretion in performing acts of lesbian love, increased their fears, as well as Roger’s, that their little brothers would be raised in an undesirable, unhealthy and unethical environment.
The older children started pressuring Roger to take Chad and Manrique away from their mother. In addition to their vociferous disapproval of the environment in which their brothers were living, they objected to the fact that the little boys were being left frequently by themselves without adult supervision. In their estimation, their mother’s schedule and active life were such, that Chad and Manrique were being deprived of a mother as well as a father, and they let Roger know their feelings…
As the year 1983 progressed, Roger’s idea of reconciliation grew dimmer. In his mind, Josie’s professed lesbianism was just a state of sexual temptation that did not define her, for she was much more than just her sexual conflicts. Moreover, he was aware, and could justify his awareness with concrete examples, that properly motivated, homosexual desires, behavior and identity could be changed by degrees.
Given Josie’s appeal for whatever is new and different, as well as her vulnerability to be blown by every wind or washed by every wave, Roger had hoped that the religious convention to be held in Anaheim the second week in February that year would have some healing and recovering effects on her. In fact, he was hoping and praying that her new life-style would unravel like a cheap bathing suit to produce in her the desirable and necessary cleansing to renew the way of life she had rejected.
Unfortunately, Roger’s expectations failed to materialize. In his state of confusion, and besieged with gripping economic and emotional problems, he did not find the proper way to motivate Josie’s return to the family fold. He was at a disadvantage to fight the spiritual and emotional hold Agatha had on her. Overcome with grief seeing his wife going astray and overwhelmed by a sense of helplessness to save her, Roger finally accepted the civil divorce at their fifth appearance in court. Though he could no longer read with accuracy his wife’s emotions, he felt that when she tried to hide her tears she must have wished that he had not done so.
Emotionally drained, Roger had to cope with urgent and pressing problems: a bankruptcy to be filed in the closing of the two bookstores, the house foreclosure, the numerous and costly court trips, the older children’s mounting pressure for him to take Chad and Manuel away from their mother and Agatha’s growing influ ence, the creditors’ continuous threatening calls, the collection of the bookstores’ back taxes by the Board of Equalization of the State of California, and many other almost insurmountable worries.
Faced with all these painfully critical troubles, and determined to shield his children from their ravaging effects, Roger decided to take one month’s rest in Europe. At the end of the 1983 summer school session, with a loan from his brother Antonio in Miami, he took Carlos and Suni to accompany him to Spain. They landed in Paris where they picked up a car they had rented from Los Angeles and drove south towards Tarrasa to visit his sisters.
Though this time they did not do much traveling around, the long drive from Paris to Barcelona was like a spiritual revival for Roger. They stopped at the Hermitage and St. Génis Laval, near Lyon, France, where he recalled his formative years with the Marists. There, at the birthplace of the Marists, he found the peace and calm he desperately needed… For him, l’Hermitage was still a source of spiritual strength, and Father Champagnat was still a fountain of inspiration for his own presently uninspired life.
While in Spain, Roger had to answer his friends’ questions about Josie’s absence from this trip. This reminder of his personal difficulties back home while vacationing in a place where family life was still sacred and inviolate caused him some pain and evoked some nostalgic memories, but it was by far preferable to the daily pressures he had to endure at home in Brea. The journey proved to be enjoyable and relaxing.
During their stay in Fuentesnuevas one afternoon, Roger took Carlos and Suni for a walk to the prairies where he had taken the cows to pasture as a boy, to the Cachapón where he used to go swimming even during summer school and to the vineyards to taste the succulent grapes he had so proudly talked to them about. To Roger’s surprise, that nostalgic promenade touched Suni so personally that when he asked her what she remembered most from their trip to Europe, she quickly identified “our little stroll to the places you walked through when you were a boy…” Also while in Fuentesnuevas, a reporter interviewed Roger half an hour on radio and published an article, with his picture, in “La hora de León”, a daily newspaper for the province of León.
Back in the United States, Roger had to face other less gratifying realities. While preparing for the new school year, he had to be looking for a new house, for the house in which they had lived for 16 years was in foreclosure. Beleaguered by so many problems, Roger failed to realize that he could have saved the house which contained so many good memories. Moreover, overtaken by the process of bankruptcy and the relentless pursuit by the Board of Equalization to collect taxes, he overlooked some possibilities within his reach and did not even have the presence of mind to ask for some legal advice. So, afraid of being thrown out to the street with his children, Roger moved out of his beloved house, because of ignorance, into a new rented house with no memories because he felt secure and protected, but in the same city of Brea.
That move was a psychological blow to Robert who was still having serious problems of adjustment. He would still go back and sleep alone in the old home… He would still remind Roger of the fact that he was not told about his mother’s revelation of her lesbianism and he was still bothered that his little brothers were with their mother and not part of the family. He was taking college classes but could not concentrate. Perhaps because he had been very close to Roger, he did not seem to be able to forgive his mother for what she had done to his father and to the entire family. Among the children, he was the most severely affected.
Roger’s lack of preparation to cope adequately with the complexity of his current struggles, his inability to handle correctly Josie’s behavioral patterns and Robert’s psychological and mental needs, and his powerlessness to check the downhill drift of his financial condition clouded his mind to the point that he may have missed some of Josie’s veiled overtures towards “married calm”. He has often wondered about her hidden intentions, if any, in some of her actions which seemed conciliatory but which he did not reciprocate for fear of accusations of harassment in court, had he pursued a course of friendly rapprochement. Did fear overcome his curiosity and his hope? He will never know, but incidents occurred relating to Josie’s actions that vaguely pointed to a change in attitude and a desire to renew the basic family relationship she had foolishly sacrificed. It has never been clear in his mind whether reconciliation failed because of Josie’s outright rejection or because of his own failure to explore opening avenues for fear of more court appearances. What puzzled Roger most throughout the whole ordeal was that Josie appeared to have developed a pattern of almost revenge after his deliberately lukewarm or cautious reactions to her mildly positive moves which he did not know how to interpret.
In May 1984, Josie decided to move to Huntington Beach and asked Roger to help her move. He did, and there was a moment in that occasion when they talked about their past, together, in pleasant terms and even with gleeful emotion. Roger thought seriously, then, to invite her out and start anew, but the possibility of being accused of interference in her private life forced him to drop the whole idea.
After moving to Huntington Beach, Chad and Manuel continued to play soccer. Roger went to all their Saturday games. All of a sudden, Josie began to care for his welfare and started bringing him refreshments or lunch. Again, Roger did not reciprocate and did not even try to inquire from Josie as to the significance of her new behavior toward him. She eventually stopped that practice. After that, Roger soon discovered that there was a price to pay for his lack of response: his visitation rights were somehow decreased for a period of time.
The most telling incident that probably Roger failed to interpret correctly occurred in June of 1985, after Josie had returned from her trip to China. Chad and Manuel had stayed with Roger during the two weeks she went on her trip. When he took them home to their mother, Josie came out, gave Roger a beautiful blue shirt she had bought for him in China. They embraced each other and cried for a long time in each other’s arms. Josie told him softly: “Why don’t we start again?” Then, she asked Roger to accompany her and the boys to breakfast. She was going to take him in her car because, she told him, “I have a new car and you have never been in it.”
The breakfast was delicious and the atmosphere very pleasant. Chad and Manuel seemed to be in heaven witnessing their father and mother actually talking to each other in very friendly terms, eating together united as in times past. They felt good, Roger certainly felt great and Josie must have enjoyed it too, for after breakfast she invited them to a nice pastry shop where each had their favorite treat…
When Roger and Josie embraced and cried about their misfortune, it was the first time they had touched each other since she had moved from their home in Brea. Roger felt good, and it seemed the proper opportunity for them to start some kind of rapproachment. Unfortunately, Roger kept thinking about one thing Josie had said that harmonious morning: “You and I have a different concept of marriage.” He was bothered by that thought but did not ask to explain. Similarly, when Josie asked him “Why don’t we start again?” Roger failed to ask her: “Do you mean it?”. However, whether over powered by emotion or intrigued by the question, he did not volunteer any further discussion on the topic.
On his way back to Brea, Roger relived with real joy Josie’s embrace and that precious morning together with her, but Josie’s remark “You and I have a different concept of marriage” kept coming back to him. “Why did she say that?” he wondered. “Did she want to live together again as husband and wife, or just as celibates as they both had suggested at different times?”
Roger and Josie went through a civil divorce, but they had their marriage annulled by the Catholic Church as well, for Roger had apparently proven to the Marriage Court of the Diocese of Orange that Josie was, as he put it, “psychologically incapable to perform the duties of married life…” and that “their marriage should be declared void, annulled.”
The Certificate of Marriage Annulment that Roger obtained stated that he was free to remarry in the Catholic Church. He did not see Josie’s Certificate. “Could it be possible that she was not permitted to remarry because of her professed lesbianism?”, surmised Roger. If that was the case, then, Josie might have been thinking about that when she made the puzzling remark to Roger. He never found out because he failed to communicate his feelings to her and she did not volunteer to offer the explanation that could have led to a possible reconciliation. If he missed her so much and had such a good time with her that day, why did he not try to make, at least, a gesture of reciprocity? Why didn’t he test the waters by inviting her out? What was keeping him from making the move that he had been waiting so long to make?
Upon more sober reflection, Roger realized that deep down he still doubted her sincerity. He felt he could not trust her the way he did in July, 1982, when they made peace and renewed their devotion to each other after she revealed her inclination towards homosexuality. At this time, three years after that revelation, Josie was going through a period of personal rejection, or at least that was Roger’s reasoning, and therefore she was trying to regain acceptance from someone she knew loved her and was suffering because of her. Roger did not dare to trust her, at least not yet, for her behavior the last three or four months was still bothering him intensely, though Chad and Manuel’s two weeks rewarding and memorable vacation with him had some pacifying effects.
The two weeks when Chad and Manuel lived with the rest of the family were particularly meaningful to Roger, for he had not seen them since January of that year 1985 when he led the first group of students to initiate the Los Angeles Community College District’s semester study program in Spain. Although the eighteen-week program in Salamanca and Madrid, including the one-week tour through southern Spain, was both gratifying and relaxing for Roger, he missed his children considerably. Now, back at home, having all of them together was like a gift from heaven. Roger took full advantage of the opportunity to play baseball with Chad and Manuel, a memory that they still relish to this day.
During Roger’s tour of duty in Spain, however, Agatha and two of her children had moved in, to live with Josie, Chad and Manuel