Perhaps an apt photo to end this delicious photo reel on. Not because this is a particularly flattering shot of me, let’s face it, the ‘up the nostril selfie’ is never going to take off. But more in how I can construe some sort of symbolism from it.
Right, so the photo shows me, on my own, listening to music, looking wistfully out of a train window.
With the heavy focus on food and eating throughout my trip, the rest of the time was really just this; me sat on a train, thinking things through in my head, with Led Zeppelin ringing in my ears. This really was my trip. So, when I came home and my parents were asking my opinion on different landmarks, the real ‘must sees’ of Europe, my response was invariably ‘N/A’.
This the reality of my trip then, the real itinerary looking less like a list of cities and more; eat, eat, eat, train, eat, cathedral, eat, train.
But actually it was more than this. It was a chance to address some of my long running social anxiety issues. Issues that I’ve been dealing with throughout my young adult life and perhaps even earlier; my mum has told me I used to hide my face away whenever we had guests.
No greater example of this came when delivering the brother and sister speech at my older brother’s bar mitzvah, when I was just a wee boy of nine. With it all going well, my nervous laughter gradually turned to crying. The situation too overwhelming for my anxious little soul. I once again took to hiding my face away, my sister’s arm a shield against the nerves and embarrassment I felt looking in to that crowd.
The problem is, as one gets older it becomes less acceptable and certainly less cute to just hide your face whenever you feel a little anxious; heck, if this was my method of dealing with it, I’d carry a balaclava around with me at all times!
This trip then, while it was partaken on my own and thus seemingly still cocooned in safe isolation, the independence that came with this meant I would have to engage in some of the more practical, at times scary elements of being an older person. I needed this exposure therapy though to help me move past my anxieties. The trip then was a great, much needed learning curve and a much needed kick up the bottom.
You see, I was becoming more and more conscious of the fact that I wasn’t really living, merely surviving. Trying to get through the day with as little damage taken to my anxious soul, anxiety that has only grown since inhabiting in that little nine year old boy crying into his sisters arm. Trying to avoid situations that could cause me embarrassment or to feel awkward. Trying to find new excuses to avoid social interaction where I could.
Social anxiety then was starting to control my life, I was the dog, social anxiety was the leash and it had it tight around my neck. It was slowly paralyzing me and I felt I needed to take action before it became untreatable.
Despite wanting to travel alone and despite it sounding paradoxical, solo travel then has helped greatly with my anxiety problems. The simple and small things like checking into a hostel or indeed going in to all of these different restaurants by myself have helped me with what should be simple interaction. I am slowly getting to a point where the action of walking in to a restaurant or phoning up a takeaway will no longer require me to plan out what I’m going to say or having to psyche myself up to be able to get through it. I hope one day I’ll be able to just do, not think so bloody much!
Best of all, the horrible ball of nervous tension that used to form in the pit of my stomach, or the heavy heart palpitations or the fluttering voice are symptoms that do not trouble me as often as they once did whenever I was in a slightly unknown situation. It’s liberating.
If I think back to the best times of my trip, it was when I was with other people. Socializing, engaging, conversing. When my dad met me for a gorgeous long weekend in Modena. Or when I spent four nights with a friend who happened to be in Rome for the summer. Talking with those lovely Northern Irish lads in Bruges or that South Korean couple I met in Frankfurt.
I loved some of the time spent of my own of course. Coming across a fabulous Klezmer band (Klezmer the Yiddish for ‘musician’) in Paris underground, listening to them for as long as I wanted; which actually, after a couple of songs, Klezmer does become slightly repetitive! Sitting in endless parks, music on, just letting the world happen around me and of course the eating arrangements being solely in my custody.
I was close to making a pun on custard there, but I’m bigger and better than.
So next time, I shall travel with other people then? Well, no, probably not. Solo travel still really appeals to me, but now in being less scared of the world and more open minded to new experiences and new people, I will hopefully be able to seek out company when I want it! Unless of course I find a willing female partner to accompany me, that may well make me reconsider my stance!