Well, two down and a few more to go? I wasn‟t quite sure about the accuracy of my thought. But naturally, I continued unabated.
“Hello, my name is Gloria Steinem, who am I speaking to and how may I help you?”
“Umm, like ... my name is Jiminy Cricket. I‟m a cat. Can I be your best friend in the whole world?”
“Honey, Jiminy next time it would be a lot easier on me if you called at a more opportune time. It‟s late in the night and I‟m really groggy.
However, now that you‟ve already awakened me I‟ll go ahead and give you my preconditions for being my best friend in the whole world. Remember, I never met you before so you‟re asking me for a whole lot. If I open up my heart to you, you‟ll be in a position of power. You‟ll literally be able to cheat on me and to deceive another woman into making yourself her best friend in the whole world. Don‟t argue with me because I know that I‟m right!
Jiminy, I want you to serve the feminist cause for the rest of your life. And if you stop even for one single day the deal is off. Furthermore, all work that you do must be verified. I know as a fact that many male cats have harmed many female cats.
I know it! I can tell by the way you tom cats mount them. It‟s abuse at its worst!
So honey, what do you say?”
“Umm ... like ... Gloria, can you ease up on me a bit?”
“Jiminy, you had your chance, now it‟s over. You are rejected! Click.
I took in several deep breaths and then shook my body violently. It was at this point that I realized my job wasn‟t gonna be that easy after all. I braced myself for many more rejections. But I continued calling, nevertheless.
“Hello, this is Gloria Allred speaking. Who is this and how may I help you?”
“Umm, this is like, umm ... I mean my name is Jiminy Cricket. I‟m a cat. Can I be your best friend in the whole world?”
“Honey, you‟re a cat! That‟s fine. I think we can use a cat as an addition to our team.
You say you want to be my best friend in the whole world.
Okay, no problem. This is what you have to do; I want you to be my legal secretary for the rest of your life, without pay of course. I mean, you called me, I didn‟t call you.
You‟ll be doing a lot of legal paper work and field work pertaining to rape cases. You‟ll be a social worker and an activist on behalf victims of rape. I want you to join in on the 188
interviews and to give good kitty advice to victims. You must be empathetic and sincere.
Jiminy what do you say?”
“Umm like, I‟ve never harmed a female before. Like umm can you give me another job to do?”
“Jiminy, you‟re mocking me! I gave you the preconditions for being my best friend in the whole world. And you awakened me in the middle of the night. That‟s not all; I have an early appointment this morning and I don‟t even know you. Wait ...
before you go on ... Jiminy, you are rejected!” Click.
After that rejection I knew that I had to take another route; a different kind of a person but still a woman, maybe a comedian of sorts.
“Hello, this is Joan Rivers speaking. Who am I speaking to and how may I help you?”
“Hello, my name is Jiminy Cricket. I‟m a cat. Can I be your best friend in the whole world?”
“Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Gosh that‟s a fantastic line! I think I‟ll use that line on a stranger in my show. We can call strangers up and ask them the same question. And guess what?
We‟ll call them in the middle of the night while they‟re dead asleep and we‟ll make sure that none of them will be able to get back to bed.
Damn you, Jiminy! I was sleeping! How can you ask me a stupid question like that? Honey, oh ... wait, I‟m so sorry. I love cats so dearly. Please forgive me, I was only teasing.
I‟ll make this very easy. You know that I‟ve complained about not being able to control „my gas impulses‟. I‟m getting older and ... you know the rest. Well, look, find me a cure for my problem. But there are preconditions; no side effects, no aftertaste, the cure must be for life and I don‟t want to be on meds for the rest of my life, and of course it must be free of charge. Jiminy what do you say?”
“Please Joan, well ... what about if I give your daughter something. Huh, c‟mon, please ... I‟m just a cat. I‟m not a super scientist who can snap his fingers and voila, finds a cure. Besides, it‟s not that bad to not be able to control all your farts.”
“Jiminy how dare you insult me, I think you‟re playing a nasty trick or hoax on me. You‟ve probably got your kitty friends with you. They‟re probably laughing at me. Well ...
guess what ... Jiminy, you are rejected!
I didn‟t take it personally because I understood that I‟d awakened Joan in the middle of her sleep. I mean, she doesn‟t even know me. Anyway, I changed course again. Maybe, this time it‟ll work.
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“Hello, this is Ingrid Newkirk. Who am I speaking to and how may I help you?”
“Umm, this is, like umm ... Jiminy Cricket. I‟m a cat. Can I be your best friend in the whole world?”
“Wow, I run the largest animal rights organization in the whole world. I know I have many enemies but I also have many friends, including animal friends like you.
For you to just pop into my life out of nowhere and want to be my best friend in the whole world ... I must place a few
„easy pre-conditions‟ upon you.
I want you to support the animal rights cause, in particular PETA, but also on a broad-based level wholeheartedly for the rest of your natural life, and I demand that you go vegan and never revert to your carnivorous nature.
Jiminy, my preconditions upon you are easy to live by.”
“Vegan ... you mean like, umm, hardcore or so and so.”
“Jiminy, by vegan I mean that you terminate all consumption and use of any and all animal products and by-products for the rest of your life, and if I catch you cheating „on me‟, I mean on your diet or any other area in this endeavour, just once you won‟t be my best friend in the whole world any longer.
Jiminy what do you have to say about that?”
“Oh ... I can‟t go vegan! I love burgers, steaks, cold cuts, fish, milk, eggs and other animal-based foods. I also use animal by-products for non-eating purposes. C‟mon, Ingrid, be a bit lenient on me.”
“Jiminy, I‟ve set the weakest conditions possible. If you can‟t abide by them ... well ... you are rejected!” Click.
My head literally spun after that rejection. I was now worried that the campaign that I was working on would take considerably longer than I‟d imagined. Nevertheless, I continued with earnest and vigilance, searching for more numbers and calling them. I had no time to be shy or timid.
“Hello, this is Megan Fox speaking. Who am I speaking to and how may I help you?”
“Umm, this is ... Jiminy Cricket. I‟m a cat. Can I be your best friend in the whole world?”
“Jiminy, I know it‟s real late at night but guess what I‟m doing right now? If you give me the right answer I‟ll make you my best friend in the whole world. If you get it wrong, then you‟ll have to go through normal channels.” Megan Fox totally pissed me off! Now some of the other women had really acted aggressively towards me, but how in the hell was I supposed to know what she was doing at 3:25 A.M.
Well, I went ahead and guessed anyway.
“Megan, I know what you‟re doing, you‟re ... I mean ...
like ... you‟re watching late night television, right?” 190
“Wrong! That‟s not what I‟m doing. You must think lowly of me, like I sit in front of the television set all day and all night long eating potato chips, popcorn and other junk foods wallowing away and putting on slabs of fat and cellulite.
You‟ll have to go through normal channels. But so you‟ll know what I‟m actually doing ... I‟m admiring myself in the mirror. I just bought a beautiful red dress. Gosh do I look so beautiful in it. I simply can‟t take my eyes off of myself. I plan on staying up all night long, doing nothing but staring at my mirror image. Isn‟t that so sweet?
Jiminy, see, all you had to do was answer my question correctly.
Now, you‟ll have to go through the normal channel of becoming my best friend in the whole world. Jiminy, I want you to complement me on how beautiful I am ten thousand times in less than one hour, without any long pause or rest. I‟ll be counting along with you, and I‟ve got a watch on my wrist too just in case you‟re wondering. Just do this one thing and you can be my best friend in the whole world forever.”
“But Megan, c‟mon, I ... like ... give me some slack, please!”
“Slack, now that‟s a hilarious word, indeed. Nobody gave me any slack. I got where I am through hard work. Sure, I‟m drop dead gorgeous and half the men in the U.S. would love to be married to me, but I‟m a talented young woman, really. And I‟m very intelligent too.”
Something out of the ordinary happened. A blog of acidic food shot up my throat and into my mouth causing me to gag.
Unfortunately, Megan thought that I was mock-barfing her.
“Jiminy! How dare you mock me! You call me up in the middle of the night. I don‟t even know you! And you don‟t even ask me how I‟m feeling today.
Jiminy, listen up, you are rejected!” Click.
I made it a point to be extra careful thereafter. But what could I have done, really. Sudden, lightning-fast acid reflex catches most people by surprise, especially if it‟s uncommon in that particular person. I couldn‟t call Megan Fox again even if I was going to apologize to her. Maybe, she‟d call the police, and I certainly didn‟t want that.
As expected, I continued my phone calls, but with increased apprehension.
“Hello, this is Jennifer Aniston. Who is this and how may I help you?”
“Umm, like ... this is ... umm ... Jiminy Cricket. I‟m a cat. Can I be your best friend in the whole world?”
“Wow, that‟s really cute! It would be nice wouldn‟t it? I mean to have a cat as my best friend in the whole world. But 191
Jiminy, I already have a nice family. So if you want it really badly, do as I say!
Jiminy, I want to go back to the olden days. I want our show Friends to return. I‟m not talking about re-runs. I‟m talking about a total return, cast and all to the same set.
Wouldn‟t that be very nice? Wait, Jiminy, before you begin to ponder about your answer, I want one more thing. I want you to tell me that I‟m prettier than Angelina Jolie. I don‟t care about being prettier than any other woman in the whole world, just her.
Jiminy, don‟t disappoint me.”
“Jennifer, please, I can‟t do what you want! Look, I‟m not an actor nor do I know any celebrities or big shots. The people running Hollywood are beyond my reach. Furthermore, I think you two women are very pretty. I‟ll call it a tie, okay?”
“Jiminy, you‟re breaking my heart! You call me up in the middle of the night, my eyes are bloodshot and crusty, my hair is dishevelled, I have a bad taste in my mouth and I‟m filthy tired. So now I‟m supposed to open up to you and accept you into my life as my best friend in the whole world?
Jiminy, I‟m quite certain you‟ve heard this line before; you are rejected!” Click.
This particular rejection almost made stop calling women altogether. However, after briefly pondering about what‟d just happened I decided to continue calling women.
“Hello, this is Chelsea. Who am I speaking to and how may I help you?”
“Umm, like, umm ... my name is Jiminy Cricket. I‟m a cat.
Can I be your best friend in the whole world?”
“Honey Jiminy, do you think that you can just call me up in the middle of the night out of the blue and ask me a question like that? Well, I guess you‟ve already done it ... awakened me and it‟s too late to go back to bed.
If you want to be my best friend in the whole world there are two pre-conditions that you must meet; first you must come to my studio during filming and then take me on. Secondly, you must be my sidekick for a whole year, taking all the B.S. that I launch at you and smiling in the process, never defending yourself or showing the viewers that you disagree with me or that your feelings have been hurt. And whenever I laugh, you must do likewise. And don‟t forget, you can never complain to me or anyone else about how I treat you. If anyone asks you how you feel about me, you must tell him or her that you love me more than anyone else in the whole world. That‟s all I need from you.”
“Okay, Chelsea, umm, like what do you mean take you on?” 192
“I‟ll place a wrestling mat on my floor and then you and I will go at it. You must pin both of my hands and feet onto the floor for a count of ten. And, you‟re not allowed to use your teeth or claws. Though, I‟m allowed to bite and scratch you. I know I‟m really beautiful, but unlike those other beautiful women I‟m not an airhead; I‟m a tough little cookie and I‟m smart too. So, what do you say?”
“My teeth and claws are ninety percent of my arsenal. Also
... like ... umm ... can you ease up on the punching bag routine? I don‟t know if I can last a whole year as your new sidekick.”
“Jiminy, you‟re truly full of yourself. And I don‟t think you‟re a very nice person either. You call me up while I‟m obviously having a nice dream about myself and then you ask me for „my whole world‟.
Now that you‟ve shown me your true face, I‟ll know how to deal with you. If you ever call me again I‟ll hang up the phone in your face. Jiminy, you are rejected!” Click.
I was almost at the end of my rope regarding the calling of women. However, I decided to push myself a bit further the way a marathoner does.
“Hello, this is Kristin Kreuk. Who is this and how may I help you?”
“Hello ... umm ... this is Jiminy Cricket. I‟m a cat. Can I be your best friend in the whole world?”
“Oh, jeepers, that‟s so cute! But look, I already have a best friend in the whole world. However, you must know that I have a right to be very picky and bitchy if I want to. I was once Superman‟s girlfriend. He really loved me. Isn‟t that so sweet and cool? I‟m not showing off or anything, I‟m just prepping you up for my pre-conditions.
“Actually, Kristin, technically, I mean ... in my opinion as a cat, you weren‟t really Superman‟s girlfriend. And also ...
you weren‟t the only pretty woman that Superman loved. I mean, I‟m not trying to be a mean kitty, only a bluntly honest one.”
“Jiminy, how dare you break my heart and insult me! You don‟t even know me! Now, you must say repeat the following statement ten thousand times in a single hour, „Kristin, I‟m sorry for breaking your heart and hurting your feelings‟.”
“Oh, like, umm ... if I say that statement ten thousand times in a single hour I can be your best friend in the whole world?”
“No Jiminy that‟s not what I meant. If you repeat the phrase ten thousand times in single hour I‟ll consider forgiving you. However, for the best friend in the whole world part, there are preconditions that must be met.”
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“Kristin can you please ease up on the preconditions and the „ten thousand‟ rule. I‟m a cat who just wants to be your best friend in the whole world.”
“Jiminy, you awakened me in the middle of the night, you insulted me and what do you expect? I‟ll tell you ... Jiminy you are rejected!” Click.
What can I say? Being rejected over and over again was taking its toll on me. I began to feel palpitations throughout my body. It seemed like no human female wanted to oblige me. I continued my work anyway.
“Hello, this is Kim Kardashian. Who is this and how may I help you?”
“Umm ... like ... Kim, my name is Jiminy Cricket. I‟m a cat. Can I be your best friend in the whole world?”
“Oh my dear, you want to be my best friend in the whole world. I‟ve never even met you before ... I don‟t know anything about you. Well, I guess you can but only after you satisfy a few preconditions.
First, I want you to find me the perfect man. I want someone who‟ll tell me that he loves me every single day for the remainder of his natural life. He must never irritate or anger me. And like, umm ... he should be the sweetest man in the whole world too, and he should love my family. And another thing, I don‟t want a stud! I want a normal guy, not too good looking, but not ugly either. You know what I mean I want a man who‟s incapable of cheating on me because he‟s not a hunk. But at the same time I want him to be filthy rich, rich enough to shower me with tons of gifts.
Jiminy, the other thing that I want is a mansion. It must be fully-furnished and surrounded on the peripheral by a white picket fence. I want a five car garage and a giant lawn. Wait
... let‟s not forget the swimming pool, diving board and a Jacuzzi and wait ... I also want a million dollars in cash and a lot of jewellery. One last thing, honey, I want all of this within 24 hours or the deal‟s off. I can‟t wait!
Jiminy, I‟m not money hungry like those other filthy rich girls, as you‟ve noticed. So I‟m certain that you can get me what I want?”
“Kim, please, I‟m only a cat. Ease up on your preconditions.”
“How dare you insult me? You‟ve irritated me beyond reproach. Jiminy, you are rejected!” Click.
I felt so demolished I almost fell onto the carpet. My entire body felt like it was about to convulse. But, nevertheless I had to continue. Otherwise, I‟d descend into a giant wallowing pit.
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“Hello, this is Julia Roberts. Who is this and how may I help you?”
“Julia, umm ... my name is like ... umm Jiminy Cricket. I‟m a cat. Can I be your best friend in the whole world?”
“Gosh what else do you need to say? You do love me more than anyone else in the whole world, right?”
“Yes, Julia, I certainly do.”
“You know for a fact that I‟m the most beautiful woman in the whole world, right?”
“Yes, Julia, I certainly do.”
“You know for a fact that I‟m the most successful actress in the whole world, right?”
“Yes, Julia, I certainly do.”
“Jiminy, now that we‟ve gotten past the initial stage I‟ll tell you what you need to do to become my best friend in the whole world.
In the next stage I want you to flatter me for twenty four hours straight without taking any breaks or pauses; this includes sleep too. You can start at any moment. I‟m here and listening.
You see, Jiminy, I‟m full of myself. I mean, wait hold it!
I didn‟t say that. Rewind, delete, erase and forget. What I meant to say was that I love myself. I need tons upon tons of flattery. And one more thing, the twenty four hours of flattery is only the second stage. I have several more stages for you to go through.
Jiminy, I know you‟re wondering why I‟ve been so easy on you. Well, I think it‟s because I love cats.
Jiminy, when can you start your flattery?”
“Julia, can you like, umm ... ease up on your preconditions? I‟m only a cat.”
“Jiminy, you insulted me and you broke my heart so wickedly. Worse yet, you haven‟t lived up to my standards.
Jiminy, you are rejected!” Click.
I was in a literal sense at the end of my rope regarding the calling of women. However, I was so demoralized by now I was going on „zombie mode‟, numbness of sorts. I decided that two additional female calls were the maximum that I could tolerate and not a single call more.
“Hello, this is Angelina Jolie. Who am I speaking to and how may I help you?”
“Like, umm ... hello ... Angelina. My name is Jiminy Cricket. I‟m a cat. Can I be your best friend in the whole world?”
“Baby ... Jiminy you‟re asking me for a lot considering that I‟m very famous ... I mean ... I‟m a big shot celebrity, sexy and beautiful. In addition, my father‟s a celebrity too.
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Jiminy, I‟m in love with the man of my dreams and I‟ve got a plethora of kids. Do you really expect me to make you my best friend in the whole world just like that?”
“Angelina, like, umm ... I‟m a really incredible cat. I mean, like ... I‟m very cute, streamlined and incredibly athletic. I‟m bilingual too. I‟m fluent in our language and I have an incredible knowledge of ASL (American Sign Language).”
“Jiminy, if you really want to be my best friend in the whole world you need to do two things; first you need to trust me sincerely, whips and chains and whatever else. Second, I want you to tell me that I‟m prettier than Jennifer Aniston. I don‟t care about being prettier than anyone else; just her.”
“Angelina, what do you mean by whips and chains?”
“We‟ll have to set up a special appointment for that. Don‟t ask me again; you exactly what I‟m talking about.”
“But, like ... umm ... Angelina, can you ease up on your preconditions. C‟mon, I‟m a cat.”
“Damn you! Jiminy, you woke me up from a deep sleep. I don‟t want to ever speak to you again. Jiminy, listen very carefully, you are rejected!”
Preparation for the final female call entailed that I ponder about the possibility of having to call men.
After a minute of pondering a female‟s name popped into my head. This woman was perhaps the most famous of the bunch that I‟d called. Just in case, for this final call I decided to use additional flattery. Maybe, that‟ll work, I thought to myself.
“Hello, this is Paris Hilton. Who is this and how may I help you?”
“Oh, Paris, umm ... this is Jiminy Cricket. I‟m a cat. Can I be your best friend in the whole world? And may I say that you are the most beautiful woman in the whole world. Coming from a cat, that‟s a ton of flattery. And you‟re so cool and stuff. I know for a fact that many little girls and also women want to look like you. They envy you because you‟re filthy rich and famous. You‟ve got so many wardrobes and stuff.
And that‟s not all. I know many cats who love you. And I‟m one of them. And Paris, like umm ... what about my question?”
“Honey, I‟m not a picky bitch. I‟m easy to get along with.
So, I‟ll treat you with respect. Per your request, I‟ll have to have a consultation with you. But hold it just a minute now, I love flattery.
The cost of the initial consultation will be one hundred thousand dollars per hour (cash only in twenty dollar denominations in unmarked bills), a minimum of three hours of course. Thereafter, that is, if you pass this stage I want you to answer my special survey. It‟ll contain two hundred questions and you must receive a ninety percent on it. It‟s kind of like 196
an exam of sorts. And wait, there‟s more. You must finish the special survey within ten minutes or else you fail.
If you pass this stage you must then compliment me and my family continuously over the phone without stopping or pausing until I‟m satisfied. If you reach this stage you must become my special kitty whenever I go out. You must always smile at the cameras and I want you to tell the dreaded tabloids that I‟m not a snotty little bitch ... I‟m really a very kind and sweet person.”
“Paris, can you remove all of the preconditions except for the cash part? I can give you lots of money, if need be.”
“So you‟re telling me that I‟m a money sucking vampire! You must have absolutely no respect for me. I know what you‟re doing Jiminy. You‟re deceiving me. I don‟t like it and you‟re ab