The Montreal Animal Shelter is a very stinky place. I‟m not referring to the reception area for the humans. I‟m referring to the „animal residence‟.
I had to endure my own waste and puke and the waste of the other animals in the shelter. I saw roughly fifty or so animals, each in his/her own cage.
Some of them were in a permanent fantasy state, unaware of their true surroundings and daydreaming constantly. Others were performing unnatural stereotyped action like pacing back and forth, bobbing their heads and weaving and much wining, some were cowering in a corner; resulting from extreme boredom, apprehension, anxiety and stress.
But I also had an additional problem that no other animal in the shelter had; a throbbing headache and achy stomach caused by a horrendous hangover.
247
The occurrences of the previous night were slowly forming together in my head, like a jigsaw puzzle. I remembered being arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct and at least two attempts at assaulting a police officer.
Suddenly, I felt like I was gonna get sea sick. The area surrounding me was rocking back and forth, left to right. It only took a minute or so of this before I puked my brains out.
Much of what came out of my mouth were remnants of the booze that I drank the night before. Soon, the area smelled of liquor and beer vomit. This caused the other animals to gag and complain. Dogs were barking and cats were meowing.
Within a short period of time I heard two animal shelter workers conversing. Both were female, but there was something unusual about one of the voices. At the time I could‟ve sworn I‟d heard her voice before.
“Heather, we‟ll have to remove the puking cat to an isolated section. We can‟t force the other animals herein to smell drunkard‟s puke for hours-on-end. Furthermore, he‟s a bad influence to the other animals.”
“I concur, Dr. Elsa. You can fetch him I‟ll bring in two security guards first, okay?”
“Yes, I‟ll wait until the guards get here.” Oh gosh, it was Elsa! I was totally shocked falling into a state of denial and panic.
A few minutes later, the main door to our section opened. I had to act fast or else.”
Instinctively, I rolled up into a tight ball, closed my eyes and stuck my paw in my mouth.
Elsa entered our section escorted by two brawny security guards. I knew about the latter from the way their shoes pounded onto the floor. They were big and tough, all right.
“Oh gosh, he‟s rolled up into a little ball and he‟s got his paw in his mouth. I don‟t wanna wake him up. Next time I will. But considering what kind of a night he had, it‟s no wonder he‟s sound asleep.”
One of the guards opened my cage door and then pulled me out. He was wearing anti-scratch, anti-bite gloves, thereby neutralizing any chance of escape. He informed Elsa that he‟d carefully carry me to the isolated section without awakening me.
Elsa naturally agreed.
I was gently carried to another section. This was the solitary confinement of animal shelters. Hardcore problem animals are placed therein, and I was considered one of them.
I was placed inside a large cage, but the gap between each bar was so narrow I could only squeeze a single paw through each gap. There was no slithering out of the cage for any animal therein. Furthermore, the door to our section was made of solid 248
steel and made a clanging sound every time it was opened or closed. It gave the impression that we were in solitary confinement of a penitentiary. I was literally doing hard time; thankfully for only three days.
Including myself, there were only three animals in this section. The other two were a Pitt bull terrier and a raccoon.
The raccoon probably didn‟t know this but he was certainly on death row. No one‟s allowed to or wants to adopt a raccoon.
Raccoons are wild animals that are unpredictable. I was thankful to be a cat.
I rested on my side for the following three hours. Then, someone opened the door. Instantly, I played the sleeping game allowing the shelter worker to place food and water in my cage.
But my eyes weren‟t completely closed though. I left tiny slits to see through. I wanted to observe the habits of the shelter workers just in case my sentence was extended. In this case scenario, a successful escape would be called for.
But as I remembered, Officer Murphy stated that my sentence would be three days long. I could handle that, as long as I never returned to this dump again.
The lights overhead were kept dim all the time. This way an animal could nap or sleep. But the continuous light also allowed the shelter workers to observe us behind the square-shaped window carved into the door.
Our section had a maximum capacity of housing twenty animals. Thankfully, there were only three of us therein.
The walls were painted gray, giving the place a horrid atmosphere. I felt like I was in a hell-hole.
I was given a single pancake; the damn thing was stale, shaped like a Frisbee and solid. As soon as I picked the pancake up off the floor I dug into it with my teeth yanking off a chunk of rocky material. I chewed on it in disgust but I knew that I had to eat. Some of the pancake crumbled turning powdery and dropping onto the cage floor. Compound this with my hangover and you get one sorry kitty. Next time round, I said to myself, I‟ll keep my mouth shut while partying.
Beside me was a large bowl of clean water, placed there before I was moved into the cage. The shelter workers didn‟t want to take a chance of the animals in their care dying prematurely of dehydration. Indeed if we died, our suffering would end. They could no longer relish our misery.
After finishing off part of the pancake I drank my fill of water. But still, I wasn‟t satiated. I developed a stomach ache soon afterwards, but more trouble was looming.
At 9:00 P.M. I was given a cheese sandwich, some crackers and a glass of chocolate milk.
249
As soon as the shelter worker left the raccoon in my section spoke to me.
“Hey, kitty, you look like a first-timer here. Listen, behave yourself, and if that psycho Elsa asks you if you love her say yes, I certainly do, more than anyone else in the whole world. You‟ll get extra food, like meat, fruits and veggies and candy.
Kitty, don‟t be a tough guy. Be calm and not belligerent.
You must understand, we‟re the inmates and they‟re the correctional officers.”
The raccoon closed his eyes and then fell asleep. I figured he‟d been drugged. Poor guy, he was probably arrested while rummaging through garbage. Like, he could just walk into a restaurant and order food and drink.
A few minutes later, I heard Elsa speaking to another shelter worker. She‟d made it clear that the newbie cat would have to wake up and converse with her.
I was shocked! I didn‟t know what to do. I had nowhere to go. So, I curled up into a ball, closed my eyes and then shoved my paw into my mouth.
But as soon as Elsa entered our section I felt the treading of another person‟s footsteps. This person was a male and quite strong.
I braced myself but couldn‟t withstand the cunning onslaught.
Suddenly, a loud and shockingly agitating clanging sound rang through my ears. It was caused by a policeman‟s night stick being dragged through the cage bars.
I shot up like a rocket, eyes wide open and body fully exposed. I received a double shocker before my eyes. Elsa and Office Murphy were standing in front of my cage grinning at me.
“Okay kitty, did you learn your lesson? Or do you want me to add another month of this crap onto your sentence?” I didn‟t respond to Officer Murphy, but I did frown at him.
“Hey, don‟t you frown at me boy! I don‟t take kindly to frowning kitties! You hear me!”
“Officer Murphy, I‟m still hung-over. Do you mind not raising your voice to me?”
Elsa interrupted our conversation abruptly.
“Oh my dear, it‟s you! You little creep! You bastard! You dumped me in the most horrible manner. You leaped out of my car window without saying goodbye.
You used me for a free ride. How humiliating. I felt like a piece of trash after you dumped me,” said Elsa.
“Elsa, I think we should keep him here indefinitely. Didn‟t you once tell me that you needed someone to love indefinitely?” said Officer Murphy.
250
After Officer Murphy spoke he winked at Elsa and then left our section.
“Damn it! Damn you! You made me feel like a total idiot.
Why did you break my heart?”
I flash thought entered my mind. Maybe, it would work? I said to myself.
“But wait a minute, Elsa. Listen, actually I‟m not me, I‟m someone else.”
“Don‟t you dare speak to me in a condescending manner; you better not insult my intelligence again. I know exactly who you are! You are you, you‟re not someone else!
Elsa kneeled down and then pinched my nose. But she did so with more force than necessary causing me some irritation. She liked that.
“Okay, this is what‟s gonna happen ... Ha ... Ha ... Ha ...
I love this! You‟re gonna stay here for the rest of your natural life. Don‟t worry honey, I‟ll make sure your food supply increases and is drastically improved too. I wouldn‟t want you to die on me.
You see, I‟m now the acting director of this animal shelter. So basically anything that I say goes.
I want you to apologize to me over and over again for your heinous actions. Thereafter, I want you to tell me that you love me more than anyone else in the whole world, including your parents.
Honey, I know for a fact that deep down inside you do love me, right?”
Instantly, I remembered what the racoon had advised me.
“Yes, Elsa, I love you more than else anyone in the whole world!”
“Oh, do I love this so much! Shortly after you left me I began to weep. Believe me I did so for several hours.
Elsa then placed the back of her right hand against the cage door.
“All right, honey, kiss my hand or else ... you won‟t eat anything tomorrow.”
Elsa was contradicting what she‟d just said to me. However, I didn‟t say anything. There was not telling how she would‟ve reacted.
I kissed her hand. I thought that was gonna be the end of it, but there was more.
“Kitty, tomorrow I‟m going to humiliate you. You‟ll have to kiss the ball of my left and right foot. And if you shriek or show any signs of disapproval I‟ll take away your food privileges.”
“Elsa, food isn‟t a privilege it‟s a right for all Canadian inmates.”
251
“Fine, who will you complain to, the Prime Minister of Canada; dream on!”
I couldn‟t take any more of it. I puked my brains out and then passed out until the next morning. The first thing I did upon awakening was look at the clock. It read 10:00 A.M.
I was out cold for numerous hours. There was good news though when I awakened my hangover was gone. I learned my lesson about drinking; it was all over. Thereafter, I was to be sober for life.
But the good news didn‟t last long. As soon as I cleared my head I realized that I was still inside a filthy cage. And that‟s not all; for the first time since my incarceration I wasn‟t sure how long my sentence was going to be. I believed that Elsa wanted me in the shelter indefinitely.
I needed one good meal before making an escape attempt.
Another creepy memory ran through my head though; I had till nightfall to escape or else I‟d be kissing the sole of Elsa‟s feet. Yucky as it may be it was something that I would‟ve had to do if still incarcerated. Elsa truly was a nutcase. How the heck she got her PhD in zoology I surely didn‟t know.
I pondered about my escape plan for two whole hours until I was abruptly interrupted by the entering of a shelter worker into our section.
Thankfully, it was for the good of the three inmates. We were each given a tray consisting of a cold cut sandwich, chips, coleslaw, an apple, a 1 litre bottle of caffeinated pop (just right for a pickup), and a 500 ml carton of chocolate milk.
I knew exactly what was happening. Elsa was showing me that good behaviour reaped good benefits.
I ate my food and drank my chocolate milk, then pondered about my escape plan. Eureka! I came up with a tangible plan.
I waited attentively until the shelter worker returned to pick up our food trays. As soon as he opened the door I faked mild convulsions.
“Hey kitty, are you all right?”
I responded slowly and with slurred speech in order to appear sickly and helpless. I wanted the shelter worker to lower his guard so I could take advantage of him.
Luckily, this fellow was serving five hundred hours of community service for writing graffiti on walls. He still had another three hundred hours left on his sentence.
A certified shelter worker would never leave the section door open behind him. However, this fellow did. Well, he was still young, perhaps sixteen, scrawny and pimple-faced; the kind of guy who could be knocked out really easily.
252
“Please, you ... must gently pick me up and hold me up close to your face. Then, you must blow in my face. Remember, I must be very close to you, okay. Otherwise, I‟ll die.”
“Wait, let me get Elsa!”
“No, please, guy, I‟ll ... die ... if ... you ... leave ...
me, please don‟t go.”
The shelter worker did as I requested. I had to get really close to him because he was wearing protective gloves.
As soon as I was within striking distance I decided to launch one massive punch rather than a combination. I was in a hurry.
I threw a massive right cross hitting the shelter worker straight in the face. He went down immediately.
I wasted no time whatsoever. I leaped onto the ground and then ran out the door. I scanned the area left and right, deciding to go right. At the end of the hall was a window that was ajar, with just enough open space for a kitty to squeeze through.
I ran to the window, leaped onto it and then squeezed my beautiful body through the opening. Alas, I was looking at freedom!
But freedom would come at a big price. The alarm went off.
This alarm didn‟t sound like a fire alarm. It was an escape alarm.
I ran like crazy for twelve blocks not feeling exhaustion until I stopped. My adrenaline level had literally shot through the clouds.
I hid in an alley behind a green station wagon, not daring to move or make a sound. It was only 12:30 P.M.
I hadn‟t even caught my breath before I heard sirens in all directions converging upon the animal shelter. I was now an escapee. No doubt, a composite of me would be given to police officers and copies would be downloaded into the system. I had to watch it.
I waited patiently until 6:00 P.M. I took several steps away from the green station wagon, scanned the area intently and then began my trek home.
I probably had several hours respite. No one who was pursuing me knew what my name was or where I lived. In addition, I‟d pondered about my escape. Composites are often off by miles.
Most humans can‟t distinguish between individual cats.
I ended up walking home using a circuitous route, taking long cuts, staying in darker areas and stopping and hiding numerous times. The first siren that I heard caused me to poop and pee instantly. However, subsequent sirens only evoked a mild apprehension. There are other emergencies in Montreal. Catching me wasn‟t a top priority.
253
The big test came as soon as I entered the Pierson Apartments. But to my amazement I saw a young thin woman seated behind the security counter.
I walked by the counter without making eye contact.
Thankfully I reached home without incident.
The first thing that I did when I entered my apartment was run to the bathroom. I hopped into the shower staying there for twenty minutes. After drying up I went to the kitchen and prepared myself a couple of cold cut sandwiches and chased it down with a pint of orange juice.
I cleaned up after eating and then went to the living room.
I grabbed hold of the remote control, turned on the television tuning into the CBC News.
I caught the end of the clip. However, I heard enough to know that there was an APB out for a dangerous escapee from the Montreal Animal Shelter.
The composite wasn‟t very well done. But I didn‟t wanna take any chances with that. Elsa and Officer Murphy would likely complain about the lack of accuracy. That‟d result in the production of a better composite.
To tell you the truth, I‟d had it! I decided not to take any chances. I took whatever cash was in my apartment, put it into my pouch and then scanned the area to make sure I didn‟t forget anything.
I had a craving for water and nothing else. This caused me to go to the kitchen, open the fridge and remove one bottle of water. As soon as I finished drinking the contents I decided that it was now time to leave for good.
Glancing up at the kitchen clock I noticed that it was 10:15 P.M.
I was very sad to leave my apartment, the building, Westmount and Montreal. The people in the city and metropolitan area were better than most people around the world.
I strolled through my apartment with a somewhat nostalgic feeling. Finally, I took deep sniff through my nose and then exhaled through my mouth. It was officially over.
I left my apartment at 10:35 P.M., locked the door behind me and that was it.
A jiffy later, I found myself standing in front of the Nielson Apartments staring at the entrance. I stood there for a couple of minutes before realizing that it was better to be safe than sorry. None of the workers at the Nielson Apartments knew of my sudden departure. If so, the manager would be immediately notified. Tenants of apartments can‟t just pack up and leave, there‟s protocol to be followed. That‟s why I decided not to return my keys to the apartment building manager. That would 254
alert her to my exit. I needed days, if not weeks of a head-start.
I walked eastward staying on the mountain side and for the time being not daring to descend to the busier part of town. My intent was to make it to the Greyhound Bus Station. It was time to travel to eastern Canada.
I continued walking eastward but in a circuitous manner, preferring the quieter streets. Initially, when a vehicle passed me in either direction I squirmed, thinking someone therein would surely recognize me. Though, after walking for six or seven blocks the feeling began to fade away.
I realized that I was only an escapee from animal shelter lockup I wasn‟t considered a dangerous escapee from jail or prison. The Montreal Police had bigger problems to deal with than to chase down a little kitty.
So unless Officer Murphy or Elsa spotted me I was basically in the free.
When I reached due north of the Greyhound Bus Station, I descended southward. It was easy walking downhill, and being that I was almost home free it was fun too.
A short while later I entered the Greyhound Bus Station.
After scanning the area intently, I walked to the ticket booth section and then waited in line. Thankfully, there was only one person in front of me. It was almost midnight and most of the passengers had already purchased their tickets.
As soon as the person in front of me left, I took several steps toward the ticket booth, leaped onto the counter and then did what I had to.
“Hello kitty, how may I help you?”
“I‟d like a ticket to Halifax, Nova Scotia please ... umm
... like ... one way please.”
“My dear, you‟re going all the way to eastern Canada. No problem just let me calculate your bill.”
I waited attentively for a half a minute before being given the amount due.
I paid for my ticket then received my change and ticket. I placed my change in my pouch and kept the ticket clutched underneath my collar.
“Thank you for using Greyhound and have a nice evening.”
“Thanks, and you also have a nice evening.” I turned and then leaped onto the floor, but after taking several steps the ticket booth attendant called out to me.
“Kitty, I‟m sorry, I forgot. Go to booth number seven. Your bus will be leaving at 12:30 A.M. You‟re lucky it‟s the last one going east.”
I grinned at the ticket booth attendant, waved to him with my right paw and then went to booth number seven.
255
I was the only one in line. Perhaps there were others in the bus, I thought to myself.
I opened the terminal door leading to the bus and then walked to it. Upon reaching the bus I leaped into it and then walked to a particular seat near the back, leaping onto it and then looking outwards from behind the window. This was it. If I met no problems Halifax would be my new home.
At 12:15 A.M. I saw something quite shocking. It was Elsa.
She was crying and behaving frantically. Speaking to a baggage handler, but not receiving any information in return.
“Excuse me sir, I‟m looking for my little baby! He‟s a cat, a beautiful cat. I just wanna be with my little baby. I know he loves me deep down inside. Please, have you seen a little kitty around here?”
“Madam ... I don‟t know ... umm ... a little kitty. You should ask one of the ticket booth attendants.” I took a good look at Elsa, remembered all the horrible rejections that I‟d recently received, and then realized that she was the one good friend that I could possibly have.
She wouldn‟t reject me; she loved me ever so dearly; and I could rely on her always. I felt a powerful feeling of regret and sadness for her. It was a burning sensation.
Elsa was in so much pain, I decided to take her along with me to Halifax. We‟d spend the rest of our lives together, if possible.
I disembarked the bus and then ran to Elsa. As soon as she saw me she knelt down and extended her arms to embrace me.
I leaped onto her chest and then we embraced each other very tightly for roughly half a minute.
“Kitty, I love you so much! You broke my heart again!
Please, don‟t do that again!”
“I promise I won‟t, Elsa. I love you too. Let‟s spend the rest of our lives together. I want you to come with me to Halifax. I‟ll help find you a good husband and then we can be one happy Canadian family. How does that sound to you?”
“Kitty, yes ... let‟s go for it.”
It was 12:20 A.M. so I still had time to purchase another ticket to Halifax.
Being that the bus driver wasn‟t in the bus I told her to enter it and then wait for me. I was to purchase another ticket for Elsa.
I entered the Greyhound terminal, ran to the ticket booth and then purchased one adult ticket to Halifax. I thanked the ticket booth attendant and then ran back to the bus.
As soon as I entered the bus I ran to where Elsa was seated, which happened to be in the back and then I leaped onto 256
her chest and gave a big kiss on each cheek, then handed her the ticket.
But then, something quite unusual happened. I noticed that Elsa was bare-chested. As soon as I opened my mouth to ask her what was going on she forcefully pressed my face against her chest, thereby breast feeding me, or that‟s what she thought.
Elsa used all her strength to smother my face against her breast. I protested by changing the expression on my face to a stern one, but that was to no avail.
“Kitty, don‟t do that! You‟re my baby and you must not protest. We‟re going to live together for the rest of our lives.
I don‟t want to take any chances with you. I have to sedate you for the whole ride.
I know how to sedate an animal. Remember, I have a PhD. in Zoology. I earned my degree.
Realizing that Elsa was sick I grinned. But that came at a price.
“Don‟t you dare think that I slept my way to a PhD I didn‟t damn it! I studied my brains out!”
Now kitty, I want to see a smile on your face, okay.
Elsa‟s actions were taking a toll on me. My kitty instincts were beginning to kick in. Having been placed in this position my sucking reflex came began to kick in. Also, I was becoming groggy. I was reverting back to kitten-hood. Therefore, I had to act quickly.
But I didn‟t wanna physically harm Elsa. Part of me did feel sorry for her. She was in desperate need for help.
After pondering about what to do I decided to take a chance. I‟d use ASL to convey my message. Maybe, Elsa understood this language, I hoped.
I signed: Elsa, I love you so dearly. Please, gently push me away. We can stay together but not in this manner.”
“No, kitty, I must sedate you for the whole trip. I don‟t want you to bail out on me again. Damn you, you can‟t expect me to believe you after what you did to me earlier!” Elsa and I conversed for a short while until the driver boarded the bus. Then, a skirmish ensued between the driver and Elsa.
“Honey, you can‟t do that on my bus! It‟s forbidden; no breastfeeding of kitties on any Greyhound bus. Another thing, don‟t you know that it‟s abnormal to do that?
Honey, get yourself a real man, get impregnated and then have a real child. You can breastfeed your child, even on this bus.”
“You mind your own business! He‟s my baby and I have a right to breastfeed him anywhere I want!”
257