“Come on Alex, you can do it!” said Jill. Alex grimaced, kicked off his slip slop and put his foot into tomato sauce.
“That is disgusting,” he said, as it oozed between his toes.
Jill and the other kids standing around the Twister mat laughed at his expression. One of the younger girls was jumping up and down and squealing, her hands over her face.
James announced the next move: “Left foot, green!” It was Jill’s turn, and she gamely put her foot into a paper plate of green shaving cream. The lawn in front of the lifesaving club was spread with similar mats, surrounded by groups of excited kids. When Alex had seen it all set up earlier – plates of custard, jelly, shaving cream and other squishy substances set up on the Twister mats, with little piles of flour in the gaps between the colourful dots, he had understood why Fezile had suggested that he wear old clothes. He looked down at his shirt – not his newest but he doubted it would be wearable after this. Oh well, he thought. They had warned him.
“First player: left hand, blue! Your other left, Anya!”
Alex bent down and stuck his hand into a plate of blue jelly. Then Jill had to put a hand in the custard. Then Alex had to take the hand in the jelly out and put it in the tomato sauce. By this time things were pretty slippery, so when Jill had to put her foot in the custard, she lost her balance and fell into the flour. By the end of the round they were both filthy and laughing like crazy.
“Look at your hair!” laughed Alex, as he and Jill walked up to the big tubs of water in the middle of the grass where they could clean up. “It’s full of custard and flour.”
“You have tomato sauce on your ear,” she said.
“That was nuts,” said Alex, wiping shaving cream off the side of his face, and sticky jam off his legs. “I cannot believe I just did that.
I think I last played Twister at my tenth birthday party.” “You were a great sport,” said Jill.
“You too,” he said. “You’ve got something on your nose.” He put out his hand and gently wiped it off. Their eyes met for a moment, and Jill looked away quickly. Then they went back to their team.
By the end of the game no one was clean. James hadn’t played but someone had put a plate of shaving cream into his face.
Everyone cleaned up as well as they could, and then went inside.
There was music again tonight, and this time Alex got to sit next to Jill and Fez. Again, he stood through the songs, arms folded, not singing. The first one was very upbeat, and half of it was in an African language, probably Xhosa, he thought. During the chorus some of the kids linked arms and did some kind of African dance. It was mostly the younger ones doing it, and Alex certainly didn’t want to. Luckily Fez and Jill didn’t either. The other songs were all pretty similar to the last time. One was about longing for Jesus and falling on your face. That sounded odd to him but no one else seemed to think so. Another one was quite poetic. He wondered if it was a psalm. He had paid enough attention in chapel that he knew what a psalm was at least. It was like a prayer, asking God to make your heart clean. He could hear Jill singing next to him, and every now and then he stole a glance at her, trying to be inconspicuous about it after Fez had let it out that he suspected something. But she was focussed on the song.
When the music was finished, James got up to speak again. As he got out his Bible and his notes, Alex realised he was kind of interested in hearing what he had to say tonight.
“So yesterday we talked about who Jesus was,” said James, when everyone was seated. “We saw that there is historical evidence that proves that he was a real man who lived on this earth, and that the Bible’s accounts of his actions can be trusted as reliable history. We saw that the Bible claims he is the Son of God. That he was fully man and fully God. That he lived a sinless life, and that he died on a cross. Those are all important to understand. But when you have looked at who Jesus is, and what he came to do, then it’s time to look inside and ask yourself an important question. That question is this:
What does that have to do with me?
“Earlier this year someone sailed around the world on a yacht by himself. So what – what does it have to do with me? If someone climbs Mount Everest or discovers something in space, why should we care? Well what if the life of this man, Jesus, has everything to do with you? What if your response to him is very important – life and death important?
The reason you need to take Jesus seriously is this: He came to offer you a gift that you would be stupid not to accept. The gift is this: forgiveness of your sins.”
Up until then Alex had been listening with interest. But now he started losing concentration. Maybe there were kids there who had done bad things. Drugs, crime. Satan worship? They were the ones who needed to listen to this, not him.
“After the Twister today, you were all pretty dirty,” said James.
The group laughed. “Who do you think was the dirtiest?” “Anya!” yelled someone.
“Me!” shouted Josh Kramer, whose team had plastered him with all the leftovers, so that he had had to pretty much bath in the tubs and find some clean clothes.
“Some were way dirtier than others,” said James. “Josh and Anya were covered in all kinds of slimy wet stuff. But was anyone clean?” “You!” shouted someone.
“Even I did not escape!” said James, wiping the side of his face with his finger and showing everyone that he still had shaving cream there. “Some were cleaner than others, but they all had to clean up. You all needed water to get the muck off. That’s what sin is like. It’s everyone’s problem. We are all tainted, and maybe more than we think. We all need to be cleansed. And that’s why it matters what you think about Jesus and his death on the cross.”
Okay, thought Alex. Clever. I get what he’s saying.
After that James opened his Bible and read them something about Jesus and the cross. Alex didn’t listen very well. He tried to think of himself as a sinner needing help and forgiveness, but he couldn’t. I’m a good guy, he thought. This doesn’t apply to me. Then he started thinking about what his friends at school would think of how he had spent his evening – getting food all over himself and listening to a Christian talk. Man, he thought to himself, he was not going to be admitting this to anyone. Before he knew it, James was praying again, and the evening was over.
James gave Jill a lift home afterwards. She and Alex had stayed to help with the clean-up. The Twister had made a huge mess, and after all the dirty kids had been in the clubhouse, they had needed to clean that and mop it. At last everything was done and they drove away in James’ car. It was a longer way to drive around the block but James didn’t want Jill to walk the bush path alone at night. Alex saw his chance, and asked if James would drop him off there too; he would walk the rest of the way back to his place. James agreed, appearing to have forgotten that it would be much quicker for Alex to just go home from the beach, and Jill found herself alone with Alex in the street outside her house. He didn’t seem to be in any rush to get back, so she invited him into the garden and they sat together on the bench.
“Did you have a good time this evening?” she asked.
“I had a great time,” he said. “The game was a bit childish but it was fun.”
“Yeah, it was fun,” said Jill. “I’m glad you came. What did you think of the talk?”
“Yesterday was interesting. I’m trying to get it, Jill. I’m trying to understand why you believe all this. That stuff about Jesus was cool. And the way James explained it, not too hard to believe. Today – I found it hard to relate.”
“It was more personal, I guess.”
“I just don’t see why I need to say I’m a sinner. Everybody does things they know are wrong, but if I live a good life, mostly, then why should I beat my chest and ask for forgiveness?”
“Because,” said Jill, “when we do stuff we know is wrong, we offend God. It doesn’t matter what it is.”
“Why should he be offended if I do something wrong? If I hurt someone, or steal something from someone, I offend that person. Not God, surely. Why do I need his forgiveness?” Alex was thinking about what he had done at the party, with Sam. He felt it had been wrong, but he wasn’t sure why, and he didn’t think he would feel the same about it if it had been Jill he had been kissing on that couch. He still felt annoyed with himself, but he didn’t see what it had to do with God.
“I think it’s because he made us, and he is good,” said Jill. “There’s a psalm in the Bible where David … do you know who
David is?”
“Sure,” said Alex. “The guy with the sling who killed Goliath.”
Jill carried on. “He wrote a psalm after he seduced a woman and had her husband killed. He says in the psalm that he had sinned against God.”
“That makes no sense to me,” said Alex. “He sinned against the woman and the guy who got killed. He didn’t do anything to God himself.”
“No, but he broke God’s laws. He ignored the rules, God’s Word. That offends God. It’s like – if your parents have a rule about keeping your room clean, and you ignore it, you are acting against them.”
“The rules. That’s where I have a problem. I want to be a good guy, I really do. I’m planning to spend my life saving lives and helping people! But if breaking a bunch of commandments turns me into a sinner, and I have to grovel for forgiveness … then I don’t know.”
Jill thought for a moment. “I think,” she said, “that when you comprehend some of who God is, and how much he loves you, and how holy and good he is, then you can see how even the best person in the world could never measure up to him. And you see your own sin. And you know that everything you ever did wrong, and every bit of selfishness or pride in your heart, is something you need forgiveness for.”
Alex leant forward, his elbows on his knees. He was grappling with this concept, but he couldn’t get his head around it. Then he had a thought. “Have you felt this?” he asked. “I feel like James was trying to get me to admit to being a sinner – but you? Surely you don’t see yourself as sinful, Jill. You are the kindest, most generous, totally not sinful girl I have ever met. You plan your life to do what you think God wants. You are so accepting about all the hard things in your life. How can God want you to … what’s that word … repent?”
“Everyone sins, and everyone needs forgiveness, Alex. I’m nowhere near perfect! The Bible says it, I see it in reality, in my life, and I believe it.”
Alex looked at her. “You really do,” he said.
“And you don’t,” she said.
“Nope. I wish I did.”
“Why do you wish you did?”
He paused. “Because … you know. Milkshakes.”
There was silence for a while. He wondered if she had understood what he meant, but when he looked across he saw that her face was hidden in her hands and her shoulders were shaking.
“Are you laughing?” he said, completely taken by surprise. “Are you laughing at me?”
“I’m sorry!” Jill spluttered. She lifted her head and her eyes were watering, she was laughing so much. “I wasn’t laughing at you. I was expecting something all serious and spiritual, and then … milkshakes!”
Okay, it is funny, he thought. The conversation was getting a bit too serious anyway. He smiled and gave her a playful shove on the arm. “Hey,” he said. “Milkshakes are serious. You know why I said that, right?”
She wiped her eyes. “Yes, I know why you said that. I was kind of hoping that would not come up again, Alex. At least, if you are thinking what I think you are thinking. Which – I wish you weren’t.” She had stopped laughing now.
“Jill,” he said. He moved closer to her and put his arm along the back of the bench. One small movement and he could have his arm around her shoulder. “There is something happening between us.
You can’t deny that. The way we talk, the way we get each other …”
“Yes, there is something going on, Alex!” Her tone was indignant. “A friendship. I thought… we could just be friends.” Their eyes met, his searching and expectant, hers determined and even a little disappointed. “Have I done something to make you think anything has changed? I really, really don’t want to be sending out the wrong signals.”
“No, no,” he said. “You haven’t. You haven’t done or said anything that I can’t explain away as simply friendly. Most girls I have known function entirely in signals, and I never liked it. I just hoped that maybe you had changed your mind. Or that you think that one day you might.”
Jill took a deep breath. This was so not what she had wanted. Yes, she and Alex were getting to know each other, and the more she got to know him the more she liked him and enjoyed being around him. But not in that way. He was so charming, and handsome, but even though he had come along to the youth group events, he didn’t share her faith or even seem very interested in it. And even if he had – Alex was just too much. He was too perfect, too noticeable. To be with him would be like wearing a massive diamond ring with shorts and a T-shirt. Her ambitions were strong and fixed in her mind. He was not future husband material, and that meant that even when he smiled his dreamy smile at her, or when they spent half an hour laughing together, she hardly thought of him in that way at all. Hardly – because at the same time, who wouldn’t feel a little tempted to invite the kind of attention he was offering? Sure, it would feel good if he would put his arm around her right now. A hug would be nice. A kiss would be … interesting. But these thoughts were fleeting for Jill; they played around in her mind no more than they did when she thought about other guys she had met. Her solid aim was to do the right thing in this love/romance/marriage part of life. And getting involved with Alex was absolutely not the right thing, she was sure of that. If only he would drop this silly idea and just be friends. “Change my mind? I told you I’m not planning on dating anyone. Alex – you live in another city! I am totally the wrong girl for you. Can we please not make it an issue? Let’s just hang out.”
“We can hang out and do this …” he said, changing tactics. He put up his hand to touch her hair, moving in as if to kiss her.
“Alex, don’t be crazy,” she said, leaning away and removing his hand. “Did you not hear a word I said?”
“I heard,” he said, sitting back. “Now I know that won’t work on you.”
Jill was annoyed. “I hope it wouldn’t ‘work’ on anyone,” she said. “That was out of line.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, “Really.”
“You should be,” she said. There was silence for a while. A little awkward.
“Have you ever had a boyfriend?” he asked suddenly. “Is this philosophy you have a new thing?”
She didn’t look particularly keen to answer that.
“Come on,” he coaxed. “Tell me. Help me understand.”
“Okay, fine,” she said. “I’ll tell you how I started thinking like this. But it stays between us, okay?”
“Promise,” said Alex, holding up his hand.
“There was a boy in the choir at the boys’ school. We were doing a combined concert thing. I was fourteen, fifteen. I think.” She hesitated.
“Carry on,” he said. “What was his name?”
“Colin. His name was Colin.”
“Colin,” he said. “Let me guess … skinny? Blonde. Acne?”
Her eyes widened. “Spot on,” she said, and then they both realised what she had said and collapsed laughing.
“Spot on about the zits!” howled Alex, doubled up with laughter. “Poor old Colin was spot on!”
“I shouldn’t be laughing about this!” said Jill, her eyes streaming again. “It was not funny AT ALL!”
It took a while for them to regain their composure. After the more serious conversation that had preceded the joke, it felt good to laugh.
“Okay,” said Alex. “Tell me about Colin.”
“Right,” said Jill. “I met him at a choir rehearsal. He came up to
me during a break and asked me if I did cross country, because he’d noticed me running with the team.”
“Smooth,” said Alex. “Colin had some good moves there.”
“Shut up,” said Jill, giving him a swat. “He came to chat to me at every rehearsal, and then after the concert there was a party in the quad at the boys’ school. He asked me if I wanted to go for a walk. We weren’t supposed to go off with boys, of course, but I don’t know why, I just went along with it. He took my hand and led me behind these big grandstands at the cricket fields.”
“Then – he did what I just tried to do.”
“Hey.”
“Sorry.”
“Well yes. It was kind of gross.”
“Gross!” Alex slapped his hand on his knee.
“Then we went back. And we got bussed back to the boarding house and I never heard from him again. I didn’t have a phone then but he could have made a plan somehow. I was hurt. Very confused. Then I just felt angry with him. And with myself. The whole thing was so dumb.”
“Not for Colin. He got to kiss you behind the grandstands.”
Alex got a glare from Jill for that. “But you know what the worst thing was? A few months later I was at the mall and he walked past me. He looked straight at me – not a jot of recognition. I mean he must have planned the whole thing, and all that coming to chat to me for weeks before, and he didn’t even recognise me.”
“Jill,” said Alex. “I have to tell you something. Don’t be shocked.”
“What?”
“I have been Colin.”
“You have been Colin?”
“I have met girls at school socials, taken them off behind the bike sheds, behind the Science block. To the pool room, even behind the hedges on the Matric lawn.”
“And forgotten them straight away.”
“Pretty much. I never thought about it from their point of view.”
“Come on. Never? You think a girl is fine with you communicating with your actions that she is special, that you like her more than the other girls, that you want to hang out with her, and then you forget? That’s not even logical.”
“You can’t expect teenage boys to be logical.”
“I guess not. But anyway, the reason I told you all that is that I decided that I didn’t want that again. I didn’t ever want to do that with someone and for it to mean nothing.”
“I don’t just want to take you behind the grandstands, Jill. I promise. I’ve done that in the past but it’s not what I want now. It’s not what I want with you. This is different.”
“Alex,” said Jill. “Please. I think you’ll go home in a few weeks and mostly forget about me.”
He shook his head. “You don’t get it,” he said. “So that was it? Your total experience has been a zitty choirboy?” “No. I went out with a guy earlier this year.” “What?” That was a surprise.
“I met him at a Christian Union camp. He wanted to be a missionary to China. Then his family moved to Australia a couple of months later and that was the end of it. I was really sad about it. I’m not going to tell you his name because I don’t want you to joke about him; he doesn’t deserve it. But after that, I read a book about dating. Or rather, it was about not dating. And I liked the idea that I could ditch all that stuff, wait for my future husband and in the meantime, be content being single. And be FRIENDS with people!”
There was a pause, as Alex took this in. “So, if I had come to Marshall bay this time last year and you had met me, I might have had a chance? Pre your reading this really annoying book?”
Jill threw her hands up. “Probably not! I keep telling you Alex, I don’t like you in that way, okay?”
“And if I said I was planning to be a missionary to China?”
“Alex! Don’t joke about things like that!”
“Did you kiss him?” All he got was another swat for that. He looked at his watch. It was almost ten thirty, and he had told his Mom he would be home by then. “I only have one more thing to say, Jill,” he said, and stood up. So did she, and they faced each other. Her arms were folded, and he leant forward to whisper next to her ear. “If you kissed me now, it would not be gross.”
Jill burst out laughing again. Goodness, she thought. She had never laughed so much in one night before. “Go home, Alex,” she said. “It’s late. Please, just forget about all this. It’s not going to happen, and it shouldn’t. We are just way too different. Please.”
“Okay, okay,” he said. Damn, another miss. Another opportunity gone.
“I’m serious, Alex,” she said. “If you can’t drop it, then … then we can’t be friends. I can’t keep on worrying that I’m encouraging you.”
He paused. Wow. That sounded like an ultimatum. He tried to feel angry with her, but he couldn’t. It was a pretty sensible thing for her to say, actually. But he didn’t want to give up seeing her and the others. He wanted to believe that she just didn’t know her own mind.
Not yet.
“Okay,” he said. “Sorry. I’ll drop it. No more moves.”
“Good,” she said. “Promise?”
“I promise,” he said, holding up his hands as if in defeat. “You can relax.”
“I’ll take you at your word then. Because I do want to stay friends. I really do.”
“Friends,” he said, as he walked backwards down the road towards home. “Fine. See you tomorrow.”
“Thanks for helping clean up!” called Jill, standing at her gate and waving to him. Well of course it wouldn’t be gross, she thought, as she watched him walk away. But it wouldn’t be right, for either of them. She was sure of that, at least.