7
Alex took a long drink from his water bottle and looked down into the valley. He and Jill had just climbed up a rocky path and now stood on a gravel track that snaked in a contour around the low mountains behind Marshall Bay, a cold wind whipping at their clothes. He could see right down to the beach. “That’s a beautiful view,” he said.
“It is.” Jill drank some water too, wiping her forehead on her sleeve. “You set quite a pace coming up here, Alex,” she said. “I don’t think I’ve ever done it that fast!”
“Sorry,” said Alex. “I’m really enjoying this. I haven’t done much hiking before.”
“You haven’t? With all those mountains in Cape Town?”
“No. But I can see Table Mountain from the treadmill at the gym.” He grinned.
Jill laughed. “That doesn’t count,” she said. “We were fast but Simon and his friend were faster. I can just see them over there.” She pointed further along the path.
“We have the bag, though,” said Alex, shifting the backpack on his back. “If they get to the cave they’ll still have to wait.”
“Let’s carry on then,” said Jill, rubbing her hands together and blowing on them. “I’m looking forward to a cup of coffee.”
“I read some of that book,” said Alex, as the path widened out for a while and they could walk side by side. “I like it.”
“That’s interesting. You actually like it?”
“Yes. I don’t feel as if the author is trying to preach to me or trick me into something. It’s logical. Straightforward. Makes me respect what he’s trying to say. It’s not what I expected at all.”
“I have read that book,” she said. “A long time ago, though.”
“I wasn’t expecting it to make me laugh. The first chapter is called
‘Sometimes I’m treated like a block of wood’.”
“I remember that,” said Jill. “He has a great sense of humour.”
“He does,” said Alex. “He says that before he became a Christian he knew God existed but he treated him as if he were a block of wood. He didn’t want to worry God, and he didn’t want God to worry him. I don’t know why, but I can’t stop thinking about that.”
“Maybe you relate to it.”
“Yeah,” said Alex. “That’s exactly how it’s been for me, I guess. I didn’t want to bother God and I didn’t want God to bother me.”
“Do you feel like that now?”
“I don’t know. I think there’s nowhere left for me to turn. Except for despair maybe. I don’t think it’s okay to ignore God any more. But to be honest, Jill, I’m still afraid.”
“Of what?”
“You guys at the youth group used to talk about giving your lives to him. That sounded stupid to me then. Now it doesn’t sound stupid but it’s still … I don’t know, like a leap in the dark. I can’t do that. If I have Huntington’s my life won’t be worth giving anyway. And if I don’t have it then I don’t think I want to give it up.”
“Hey,” said Jill, stopping on the path and facing him. “If you have
it your life will not be worth nothing.”
“I didn’t mean that exactly,” said Alex. “I meant that I wouldn’t be able to give anything to God.”
Jill shook her head. “No Alex, it doesn’t work like that. Aunt Bert’s life is not worthless. If she can still think at all, I know she still prays. I know she still loves God. That’s not worth nothing to him. That woman at the nursing home who has Huntington’s – she’s a Christian. I had a conversation with her once, or I tried to at least. She had just been to a hard therapy session and I said I thought she was very brave. She can hardly speak but do you know what she said? She said, ‘I’m not brave, I’m blessed.’ She isn’t fighting against what has happened to her. Her life belongs to him and she knows she is blessed. That’s not worth nothing to God, Alex. Submitting whatever you have – a lot or a little – that’s what he asks of us.”
Alex took a deep breath. “I hear what you’re saying. If God really is the Creator of the Universe and if he really is good and loving, then submitting to him is logical. But I’m fighting against it, Jill. I don’t have the faith to do that.”
“All you need is the tiniest bit,” said Jill. “The size of a mustard seed.”
“Then I don’t even have that yet,” said Alex.
“Keep reading the book,” said Jill, putting her hand on his arm. “And your Bible. Keep thinking and ask God to help you understand.”
“I will.” Alex put his hand on hers. “Thank you for this, Jill.” “For what?” She felt herself blush.
“For this walk on the mountain, for the chat. For everything.”
“Sure,” she said. “I’m glad you’re here. But look – there are the boys, way above us. We need to catch up.” She smiled at him, and he smiled back.
8
The Lesotho team were due to arrive at Jill’s house at eight that evening. Alex went for another run in the afternoon, despite having gone for the hike earlier that day, and returned pale and breathing so hard Jill thought he must be pushing himself more than he should. Jill spent some time in the afternoon baking a cheesecake and cleaning the house, and after he had caught his breath and changed, Alex tried to help. They were both reminded of their first meeting, when Jill had opened the door to Alex and Anna, dirty and dressed in her worst old clothes.
“That’s a more respectable apron,” said Alex, putting the vacuum cleaner back in the cupboard while Jill wiped the kitchen counters.
Jill laughed.
“Much better,” she said. “Anya gave this to me for my birthday once.”
“What’s Anya up to?” asked Alex. “I remember her so well. And her crazy clothes.”
“She still wears crazy outfits,” laughed Jill. “I miss her. She lives in PE. She works for an advertising firm. I think she pretty much just makes coffee now but she has big plans to be running the place in a few years.”
“She’s not going on the trip with you?”
“No, she wanted to but couldn’t get leave from work. I don’t think you’ll know anyone else, except for James.”
“It’ll be nice to see James,” said Alex. “I might even have some questions for him.”
“Good,” said Jill, taking her cheesecake out of the tin and putting it on a plate. “He’s a real pastor now, so that’s his job. What do you think of my cheesecake?”
“It looks amazing, Jill. Like something in a coffee shop. None of the girls I know at home can bake. Anna wouldn’t have a clue. Not even my mom.”
“It’s a useful hobby with a hungry teenager in the house.”
“I bet Mark likes your baking.” Alex lifted his eyebrows and grinned.
“Hey,” said Jill. “That’s not a fun subject.”
Alex shrugged. “Just interested to meet the guy tonight. I used to wonder what he would be like – a guy you would go for.”
Jill sighed. “I don’t feel that I went for him at all. He picked me. And I regret going along with it.” She rinsed out her dishcloth and hung it up.
“Was there anyone before? Anyone you did go for?” Alex asked cautiously. He realised he might be going too far, but he wanted to know.
“Once,” said Jill. “There was someone I knew at church while I was at Varsity. I was crazy about him. Obsessed, maybe. He was amazing. But he hardly noticed me. Two years – we were friends I suppose but I don’t think it ever crossed his mind to think of me the way I thought of him. He got married. I doubt he ever knew.”
“That sucks. Two years?”
“I know. Pathetic. But you asked. Mark helped me get over that, I suppose. And you’ll see what I mean when you meet him. He’s a great guy. Solid. Can’t fault him.”
“Sounds like true love,” teased Alex. Jill gave him a glare. “Sorry,” he said. “I think I’ll hang around if that’s okay. I don’t want to go out on my own and staying in my room will just be rude.”
“Okay. I can’t believe I just told you that. I only ever told Anya.” She looked at him, searching his eyes, wondering why of all people she had just told him her secret. She didn’t feel that she wished she hadn’t either. It was strange.
He met her gaze. He wasn’t smiling, he was searching too. For what, she didn’t know. But it wasn’t awkward to have him look at her like that. It was good. It made her smile.
“Come on,” she said. “Help me put out the tea and coffee things.”
A few minutes after eight the doorbell rang. Jill was slicing strawberries to go on the top of her cheesecake, so Alex answered it. It was James, still the same old James, his blonde curly hair perhaps a little thinner, giving Alex the broad, open smile that he remembered so well.
“Alex! Alex my man!” he said, turning a firm handshake into a firm, back slapping hug. “Jill said you had appeared out of the blue ... excellent to see you, excellent!”
“Thanks,” said Alex, relieved at and heartened by the warm welcome. “Good to see you too. It's been a while!”
“A long while, too long – look at you, all grown up,” said James, stepping back to get a better look at Alex. “Taller than me now, for sure!”
“Maybe a bit,” said Alex, as they went into the lounge. “Last time
I saw you, James, it was probably that New Year’s Eve …” He looked a little sheepish.
“Yeah – probably not your finest moment, Alex. I remember that.”
“You tried to warn me, but I wouldn’t listen. So I apologise. A bit late, I know.”
“Ancient history,” said James, clapping Alex on the shoulder. “You were a kid. Forget it.”
“Thanks, James,” said Alex. “Jill’s just finishing up in the kitchen.”
“Almost done!” called Jill. “I'll be there in a sec, James!”
“Okay!” called James, plonking himself down on the couch as he must have thousands of times before. “Where's Simon?”
“He's at a friend's house,” said Alex, sitting down next to James.
“Great kid that,” said James, his long arms stretched along the back of the couch. “You should see him surf these days. He's awesome.”
“Yeah, he's a nice kid,” said Alex. “I was surprised that he remembered me.”
“Of course he remembered you, Alex. He wanted to be you! That was all more than five years ago, can't believe it. Do you still surf?”
“A little. It’s hard to find the time these days. Med school works us hard.”
“Oh yes, I remember you wanted to be a doctor. You must be almost done?”
“Another year and a half. Then internship. I hope.”
“You hope?”
“Right now, I’m not feeling as if I'd be much help to anyone. I totally blanked out at an exam a few days ago. If you gave me a patient now I’d probably kill him.”
“Whoa, okay,” said James. “Jill said you were going through something tough. And you decided to come back to Marshall Bay for the healing waters, the destressing mental health benefits of the surf, and the great company, of course?”
Alex laughed. It felt strangely good to be joking about his problems; to have shared at least one of them with someone else. “I didn’t bring my wetsuit,” he said. “So I’m not planning on trying the healing waters in this weather.”
“No way,” said James. “But then I don’t take advantage even at the best of times. I may live by the sea but it doesn’t mean I like being in it.”
“What have you been up to since then?” asked Alex. “I was glad when Jill said you still lived here.”
James gave his big grin again and sat forward on the couch. “Ah yes, I have not succumbed and joined the great exodus of young people out of the small towns. Since I last saw you … I finished my theology degree, working part time at the church, then freaked out a bit at the whole being a minister thing and worked for my dad at his insurance company for a few years. Then I met Stef and got married, and with her support I got over myself and now I'm back where I was at the church here. We’re expecting a baby in September. That's pretty much it!”
“He’s a great pastor,” said Jill, coming out of the kitchen and setting the cheesecake on the dining table. “And he preaches a mean sermon sometimes.”
“Ha! Only sometimes, she says,” said James, laughing.
“And he’s going to be the best dad ever,” said Jill.
“Aw, thanks Jill,” said James. Then he looked at Alex, his face serious again. “How is Anna doing?”
“She’s okay, she just …” The dark cloud of their dad's diagnosis and what it meant for Anna was too much to think about. “I don’t really want get into it all now. We have some family stuff going on. But generally, she’s been all right. She works for a publishing company.”
"Okay, no pressure," said James. “Sorry you’re having a rough time.”
“Right now, life is all just one big mess, really,” said Alex, feeling as if he could easily just start talking to this familiar understanding man who had accepted and cared about him all that time ago, as if here was somewhere he could just get everything out – but this wasn't the time. The doorbell was ringing again.
“We'll talk again, Alex,” said James. “If you want.”
“Thanks James,” said Alex. Had he ever been tempted to talk about his problems with another guy before? In the past he would have felt that needing a bit of counselling, even just some informal offloading on a friend, was a sign of weakness. He was pretty sure he had never done it. But the past few days had been different. For the first time he felt broken, as if his troubles had taken him beyond his ability to pull himself together and get on with things. He had needed desperately to talk, and so far Jill had been the only person he could imagine he wanted to listen. But maybe James too. To talk to him would be good. He would listen and maybe help. And he had some questions about the book he had been reading.
By 8:15 almost everyone had arrived. Besides James there were two young women: Kelly, a recently qualified nursing sister and Nicky, a physiotherapy student. They were best friends, and if Kelly hadn’t been dark and Nicky blonde it might have been hard to tell them apart. There was also an older man, Dave, who wore pants that looked as if they had been made from a flour sack, an Indian-looking shirt, no shoes and a scruffy beard. Alex couldn’t figure out for a while why he was going along but it turned out he had been to the place before and was going to do some maintenance on the church building while they were there. Then there was Berenice, a doctor in her early thirties. She was a solid, dependable looking woman with a thick Cape Flats accent, who greeted Jill with a warm hug at the door. The other doctor, JP, was a well-built sandy-haired man, about a foot taller than his wife Melissa, who was going to oversee cooking for the feeding scheme. Melissa, with her ponytail and sprinkling of freckles, greeted Alex so warmly he liked her immediately. Alex was introduced as an old friend of Jill and James’, and he was relieved that nobody probed further into his presence. However, when the doorbell rang again and the final “missionary”, as Alex was privately calling them, arrived, he started to doubt his welcome was unanimous.
“Hi Mark,” said Jill, as the guy from the photo stepped into the house. But he’s too short, thought Alex, and in the flesh Mark was indeed barely a centimetre taller than Jill – not exactly short, just not quite what Alex had pictured. He must have been standing on his toes in the photo, thought Alex. His cheerful, “Hi Jill, how are you this evening?” sounded just a tiny bit forced, as if he was nervous but managing to hide it. He had a pleasant, open face and a broad smile, and was simply dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt. His curly hair, which was an indiscriminate blonde, was cut badly, too long on the top, and combed against his head. No way, thought Alex. No way did Jill ever go for this guy. He felt almost like laughing but when he looked over at Jill, explaining briefly to Mark who Alex was, he thought he should try not to be so judgy. What did that stuff matter? he thought. Jill wouldn’t go out with him because he didn’t believe what she did. If this guy did, then that made him more her type than he would ever be. Even with that haircut.
“Nice to meet you,” said Mark, putting down his wallet and keys on the table as if he had put them there a hundred times before. “I don’t remember Jill ever mentioning you before.” His handshake was firm but damp. The expression on his face was unreadable. Hmm, thought Alex, trying to be discreet about wiping his hand on his jeans. Translation: Who the hell are you? Mark was clearly not thrilled with his existence. And was that a hint of an accent there? Maybe he was Afrikaans, or he grew up on a farm or something. It might explain the hair.
“I’m not a secret anymore,” said Alex, rather enjoying the startled look on Mark’s face. “Just kidding. I was probably not worth mentioning. Right, Jill?”
Jill gave him a look that was probably meant to be disapproving, but he knew she was amused. “Yes, that’s it,” she said. “So not worth mentioning. Something to drink before we start, guys?”
“Uh, no thank you,” said Mark, still looking bewildered.
“Right everyone, let’s get this party started!” said James. “Everyone grab a seat!” Soon the lounge was full. James sat down on one of the dining room chairs that had been moved into the lounge. Alex found a seat in a corner.
“So,” said James. “Two days until D-Day! Are you guys excited?” “Super excited!” said Kelly.
“Can’t wait,” said JP.
“I hope you’ve all met Alex,” said James. “He’s a friend of Jill’s and mine from waaaay back. Just visiting. Is everyone else here?” “Where’s Brad?” asked Dave.
James grimaced. “Well spotted, Dave. Yup, Brad is missing. And the reason for that is a bit of a problem for us. He called me an hour ago to say his Landy has blown a gasket. It’s pretty bad. Brad says he doesn’t have the bucks to fix it now anyway, even if it could be ready in time.”
This was bad news. The place they were heading to in Lesotho wasn’t exactly on the beaten track. There were roads that needed a car with good clearance. Without the Landy they wouldn’t have space for all the medical equipment and other supplies they had collected to take to the village.
“This is bad, James,” said Dave. “Two days to D-Day? This means we only have JP’s double cab and your car.”
“I suppose we could fit the ten of us in two cars,” said Jill. “It will be tight, though.”
“It’s not about fitting the people in,” said James. “My car doesn’t have the power to carry five people with their luggage, and tow one of those heavy trailers.”
“We can’t leave a trailer behind,” said Dave. “The whole point is to take the donated food and medical stuff and bibles with us. Without the Landy can we even go at all?”
“You know Dave, I have no idea,” said James. “I was panicking about it when Brad called me, but then I had this thought: Here we are, we’re all willing to go on this trip and hopefully help these people out. We’ve planned and prayed and here we are. And I think that if God plans for us to go, we will figure something out. I’m not worried. So.” He clapped his hands together. “Any ideas how we can get another vehicle?”
“My car won’t help much,” said Jill.
“Or mine,” said Mark.
“What we need,” said JP, “is something like that beaut of a vehicle parked outside.”
“Totally,” said Dave. “That thing doesn’t look as if it has more than 50 000 k’s on the clock. It will fly over the dirt roads.”
“52 000 actually,” said Alex, from his corner. “How about you invite me on this trip of yours and I’ll throw in the car?”
There was silence in the room. Everyone looked at Alex in amazement. Jill felt her heart lurch – Alex on a church mission trip? It was a crazy idea. But then again, maybe it was perfect. Maybe it was just what he needed. He wasn’t ready to go home yet, and what better place to go to get some perspective? The car, the timing – it was all too perfect. They were leaving in two days, they were short a car, and here he was. She had goose bumps.
Alex himself couldn’t believe what he had just said. But in that moment, he knew he wanted to go. He wanted to stay with Jill for a little longer, to postpone reality just a little longer. And he wanted to see this place.
“Can you tow a trailer?” asked James.
Alex nodded.
“You need a passport,” came a voice from another corner of the room. Mark. “You can’t go to Lesotho without a passport.”
“You know, I am pretty sure my passport is in my cubby hole,” said Alex. “It sounds crazy, but I went to Mauritius with my family in December and I remember putting it there when I left their house afterwards. I … I’ll go and check.” He stood up. “You guys …” He had a feeling he should leave these people alone for a while to talk this over. “You guys decide if you want to take me up on my offer.” He walked to the front door, picked up his keys and went out into the cold night.
“This is amazing,” said James. “Our problem is solved before we even had a chance to stress about it!”
“Do you think it’s okay that he comes, James?” asked Jill. James was the only other person who knew Alex. He was the only one who knew that Alex was not an obvious choice for a member of their mission team.
James gave Jill a look that told her he understood her concern.
“It’s fine,” he said. “Guys, Alex isn’t part of our church. Spiritually, I don’t know where he stands. But he’s keen. And he’s a medical student. He can be useful with the clinic.” “He is?” said Berenice. “What year?” “Fifth,” said Jill.
“Then he will be useful,” said Berenice. “He can assess patients and do a lot to free us up. If he’s willing of course.”
“I say go for it,” said Melissa. “The clinic will be great experience for him too.”
“What about the money?” asked Mark. “I’m not sure we can float another person on our budget.”
“Alex will pay his share,” said Jill. “That won’t be a problem.”
“And the car,” said Dave. “There’s no way anyone is going to lend us a car like that, and no way we can afford to hire one. We need the car.”
“I know you don’t know him, guys,” said James. “But this seems to me like an answer to prayer. Do we go for it?”
It seemed as if everyone was in favour, but Jill noticed Mark didn’t look happy. The front door opened and Alex came in again, stamping his feet on the mat.
“I have a passport,” he said. “I can’t believe I put it there and forgot about it all this time.”
“Unbelievable,” said James, standing up. “We’d love you to join us, Alex. You and your 4x4!”
Later in the evening, after a round of tea and coffee and helpings of the desserts some of the visitors had brought, Jill found herself steered by Mark towards a pair of chairs in the corner of the lounge. The others were all busy; Kelly, Nicky and Melissa were going through a shopping list, Berenice was talking to Alex about medical stuff, and Dave, James and JP were plotting a route, a paper map as well as Jill’s laptop open in front of them. There was enough noise that they could talk privately.
“What's going on, Jill?” he said as they sat down, his knees almost touching hers. His face was tense, concerned, confused. “Who is this guy?”
“This guy?” Jill's heart sank a little and she realized she had been half expecting this. “He's an old friend, Mark,” she said. “From years ago. I told you.”
“But Jill, you've never even mentioned his name. I don't get it.” Mark looked perplexed. Not suspicious or anything, he just looked as if he'd been hit in the face out of nowhere.
Jill tried to smile reassuringly. She knew Mark was feeling threatened by Alex's presence, by his easy manner and his confidence, by the connection she had with this good-looking future doctor who had appeared so suddenly to save the day with his expensive car. She understood his discomfort, and the bothered, almost hurt look on his face, but at the same time she found herself feeling mildly annoyed. Despite their friendship, and the almost certain knowledge she had that he would like to be more than a friend again, he had no claim on her, on her past or her present, and she felt a twinge of resentment that he would feel she needed to explain Alex to him. <