Just about every thought and feeling I could imagine went through my head those last few days before my Vision Quest. I didn’t talk much. I tried to keep busy with physical stuff, but still I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to be alone for all that time.
We were with Michael about four days before my birthday, and after we did some running and tree climbing and had lunch together, I decided I needed to tell him something.
“Michael, Penny and I are preparing for something that is very special and personal to us, and has to do with magic. It will take us a while to get ready, and do it, and recover from it, so we won’t be able to train with you for about
. . . two weeks. I hope you understand.”
“I’ll miss you guys. Can you tell me what it is?”
“No. Someday I hope we can. We’ll meet you at the swimming inlet two weeks from today, okay?”
“I suppose. See you guys!”
I insisted we take the candles home. I didn’t want any unnecessary temptations.. We decided the person on her Quest would have to stay inside the Guardian Hedge. And she wouldn’t even have a fire-making pouch.
I tried not to act strange those last couple of days. I didn’t want my parents to think I was sick or flipping out or something, and cancel the camping trips. But I was carrying around this terrible and wonderful feeling
that the Ariel who went into that Grove wouldn’t come out, and whoever . . .
or whatever . . . came out would be different.
The day before my birthday, Penny and I got all our camping gear together. Only half of it would be used, but the trip had to look good. My mom kept asking if I needed another flashlight, or some extra food, or new clothes. I just had to tell her that if I took all that, I couldn’t even pedal my bicycle!
The night before the Quest, I didn’t sleep much. I read part of a book, and reread some of my notes about Vision Quests. Then I just lay awake and thought about Penny, and how good a friend she was, through all the training and all the learning. Then I think I finally fell asleep.
Penny was knocking on the door at the crack of dawn. Mom let her in.
“Wake up, sleepy! I can’t wait to go swimming in that lake!”
“Ha, ha,” I said.
Mom made us a big breakfast. I think she thought we were going to starve otherwise. I did a pretty good job of hiding my real feelings. I figured I would have plenty of time to think about them soon enough.
By 8:00 in the morning we were at the park. Dew was still on the grass.
No one else was there. I felt lonelier than I could ever remember feeling.
“Penny, what happens if I hear people in the park playing and eating and stuff?”
She didn’t say anything. Penny is a wise person.
“Stash
my
bike
after I go in. One less temptation.”
“Okay. See you tomorrow at sunset. Ten minutes after sunset I come in and get you, do CPR, whatever.”
I took my cloak out of my daypack on my bike. That was all I got. I checked the pockets, tossed Penny my fire pouch. I checked my coat and pants pockets.
“A nickel. I don’t suppose I could do much with that in the Grove. But here. I don’t even want to think about what I could do with it!”
“Bye!” Penny said.
I waved, turned, and headed into the woods.
The Grove was like it always was. Just no candles. But it was very different too, knowing I was alone, and would be alone for a long time. I looked around me. Trees, bushes, firewood pile, fire pit. I didn’t have anything to make fire with, and even if I did, I had promised not to. I checked all my pockets again just in case . . . a fir needle.
The Magic Circle and the altar. We had decided the person on her Quest shouldn’t enter the Circle or try to do magic. I looked in the storage hollow.
Tree roots and dirt. So I just sat down for a while and thought. Why am I doing this? It’s my 12th birthday. I could be having a party. But I can still have a party . . . tomorrow night. I want to do this Vision Quest first.
I decided to count trees. There didn’t seem to be cedars anywhere on the hill but right at the Grove. It was hard to keep track of which ones I had already counted, but I’m pretty sure I got it right — 7 cedars.
I sat down, chin in my hands. The sun was getting a little higher. Michael is nice. I wonder if he really does like me. I don’t think it really matters unless he joins the Grove. There’s a guy at school I think is really cute, but I don’t think he would ever like me.
I walked around some more, this time down off the hill. Maples and alders, mostly. I came to the Guardian Hedge, and started walking all the way around the Grove, just inside the thorny bushes. I’m really lucky to be able to do this. Most people my age wouldn’t be allowed to even go camping. I guess my parents trust me. My mom didn’t used to, but then she saw I wasn’t getting into any trouble, even though I was doing weird stuff, and decided to start trusting me, I guess.
I kept wandering around through the ferns and bushes. I think I had gone all the way around the Hedge. I didn’t really know. I didn’t really care. I knew it went all the way around. I just let my feet guide me, over logs, between trees. I was getting bored. I wanted something to do. It must be about noon. There’s nothing to do here. I sat on a log and watched an ant walk around. Boring. I tried to count alders. Boring. Too many of them, anyway.
I must have poked around in the woods for another hour. Nothing interesting. No old logging machinery, like we often found out in the woods.
Not even any trash to look at! I finally wandered back up to the Grove. I tried
to imagine what it would be like if we had six or eight people in the Grove.
Tents set up on the flat places on the west side. Food cooking at the fire pit.
Prayers and magic in the Magic Circle. Singing! Dancing maybe even! It would be neat.
But there’s no one here today. No one to talk to. I haven’t had many friends in my life. Not good friends. I was accepted by everyone, until I made friends with Penny. Since then I’ve been a loner at school, reading books in the library, running around the field alone. Right now, I could be the only person in the world. Maybe I’ve gone back in time, and it’s uninhabited wilderness out there, from sea to shining sea. Maybe the world ends right outside the Hedge. Maybe Penny will never come back. I sat there and just felt alone for a long time. It was almost comfortable, being the only person in the world. But I started crying . . .
I woke up with sore eyes. I must have fallen asleep crying. The sun was almost setting. Sunset! I could leave at sunset!
But wait. I was supposed to stay all night. I haven’t had a night here yet.
It must be sunset tomorrow I’m supposed to come out. That’s stupid! I’m free to do anything I want, and I want to go home and eat dinner. No one can keep me here! I’m hungry. I want a pizza for dinner. A whole pizza. Just mine.
I ran down the hill and through the woods. I want to go home! There in front of me was the Guardian Hedge. I fell on my knees in front of it and cried. It was my idea to come here. I had studied all about the Vision Quest, not Penny. I just cried for a long time, not knowing what else to do.
Through my tears I could see sunset colors in the sky. Orange, pink, and blue. I wiped my tears away and looked around. Night was coming, a night I had planned to spend alone. I looked up at the Hedge.
“You’re free to go,” a tiny whisper of a voice somewhere inside me said.
“I’m staying!” I yelled.
No one said anything. It was getting shadowy in the woods. That didn’t bother me — I was used to the dark. “I’m staying,” I said in a calmer voice, got up and walked back to the Grove.
I sat by the fire pit and thought about food. I wanted something to eat. I
remembered all the meals we had eaten here, the cookies, marshmallows, strawberries . . . I want something to eat! In the fading light I started to crawl around on my hands and knees to see if we had ever dropped anything. I found a cookie crumb. I held it in my hand for a moment, was tempted to eat it, then threw it into the woods and laughed. I laughed long and hard, at myself, at my weak body and mind.
“In physical things, let your body limit you, not your mind,” I said out loud. That had helped me get through my training many times, and it was just as true now. My body wasn’t hungry, only my mind. I stretched out on the cedar needles and gazed up at the fading sunset colors.
I thought about Search and Rescue. It had started with us wanting to learn first aid. Now I was halfway through my trial period on the team. In six more months, I would probably be on both B and C teams, land and water rescue. Penny too. She would be the only kid in elementary school with a radio receiver in her purse that could call her to places where firemen dared not go. And I would be the only kid in middle school.
Was it an ego trip for me? Was I being selfish? How could I call myself selfish if I would be risking my life, without any pay, to save people? “Am I doing it for the right reasons, cedar trees?” I asked the dark branches above me. They didn’t say anything. It was really dark now.
I zipped up my jacket and put on my cloak. There’s not even anything much to look at now. I walked over to the little clearings on the other side of the Magic Circle. They looked kind of cozy. I picked a corner next to some logs, pulled my hood on, and curled up. The thick bed of cedar needles was pretty soft. Maybe I could sleep through the night.
But I wasn’t sleepy. I had already slept half the afternoon. Oh, well. What shall I think about? I wonder how Penny is doing at the State Park. She has a tent, a sleeping bag, and plenty of food. Maybe she’ll meet some cute boy.
What was that? I listened, straining my ears. There it was again! I had practiced being in the dark a lot now, but always with Penny, and always moving. Now I was alone and still. I tried to remember that the woods made all kinds of creaking noises as they cooled off at night, but still I was scared.
Nothing big could get through that hedge without a bulldozer or a chainsaw, I told myself, but I imagined King Kong and Godzilla anyway.
The popping and creaking noises continued. I had never worked so hard listening, straining to hear a familiar sound or a pattern of footsteps. After hours of listening I must have fallen asleep.
I woke up shivering.
It was still dark, but I could see light and shadows. Curious, I stood up.
The side of my body I had lain on was sore, almost numb. I limped over to the fire pit. There in the sky was an almost-full Moon! Wow. It sure is beautiful, all white and glowing. But it was a cold kind of beauty. I was shivering. The sky was clear, and I knew that made for the coldest nights.
I sat on a cold log and listened. Silence, deathly cold silence. No snapping sounds, no animal noises. No breeze. I didn’t feel alone. I had the cold Moon as my friend. I wandered around the edge of the Grove and peered out into the woods, which were only letting in tiny patches of moonlight. Stillness everywhere.
God, I’m cold! I tried to wrap my cloak tighter, but it was doing all it could. I walked and stomped around the Grove, trying to warm my legs. It didn’t help much.
I couldn’t sleep anymore. Sometimes I was too cold and walked around.
Sometimes I just sat and thought about my 12 years of life. When I was 11, I learned first aid and rescue, and started doing magic in the Grove. When I was 10, I learned about magic and became friends with Penny. When I was 9, I was popular in school. When I was 8, I was sad most of the time because my Teacher had gone away. When I was 7, I had learned so many things from him. When I was 6, I was just a little kid. When I was 5 . . . I couldn’t remember any more.
The Moon was getting lower in the sky. I tried to sleep some more, but it was too cold, so I just walked. My hands were cold, but I started reaching out and touching things — tree bark, ferns, leaves, dirt. I wandered off the hill.
All these wonderful trees are here, and I don’t really know them. I’ve never even bothered to touch most of them. I came face to face with an alder, standing tall in the still night. “You stand here, tall and proud, every night, don’t you?” I wrapped my arms around the slender tree, pressed my face against it and cried. “You’re beautiful, tree. So tall and strong . . . and
patient.” I held that tree for a long time. I kept feeling like it had something to tell me . . . but it could only tell me very slowly, much slower than I knew how to listen and understand.
Finally I said good-bye and started walking again. But I looked back at the tree several times. It wasn’t any different from all the rest . . . except that it had listened to me, and I knew it would keep on listening to me if I thought of more to say.
Something was different. The Moon was gone. But there was light in the sky . . . and it didn’t look like moonlight. Could it be . . . dawn? “Whoopee!” I started running through the woods, hopping over logs and bushes. “Hooray!
It’s almost morning!” I ran up to the Grove and looked at the sky. Yes! It was getting lighter in the east, and the moon had set in the west. I did jumping jacks and push-ups. I wanted to be alive and strong, like the trees, to greet the Sun! I am Ariel, and I am strong and fast and quiet. And even if I’m all alone right now, I’m still Ariel!
Soon there was pink in the sky. Some clouds formed and turned orange and pink. The sky went from black to blue. I ran around the Grove, jumping from log to log. The sky was getting really bright in the east. I threw my hood back.
The Sun! Just a glint of fire through the trees. I bounced up and down and waved. “Good morning, Sun! It’s Ariel! I’m still here, and I’ve been waiting for you!”
Colors in the Grove and in the woods started to come to life. I just walked around and looked at everything, almost like I had never been here before. So many different colors! So many shades! I had been here almost 24 hours now. What shall I have for breakfast?
There was nothing. Nothing for breakfast. And I realized my mouth was dry. I could hardly swallow. I knew from rescue training that lack of water will kill you long before lack of food. I had felt hungry first, but that was just my mind talking. My dry throat was real, and I couldn’t feel any saliva anywhere in my mouth. I could go to the stream! But that was outside the Guardian Hedge.
I sat down by the fire pit. Nothing for breakfast. The sun started to warm me as it found the gap between the trees. I could feel it, but I didn’t care
anymore. I just sat there and stared out at the trees.
The day started to get warm. I was still in my cloak and I was starting to sweat. Who cares? I just sat there, feeling useless. Nothing to do, just all this stupid time to pass. Dumb. I feel really dumb. I am really dumb.
Finally, I was in shade again. The sun was above the cedars. I feel really dead. Maybe this is what it’s like to be dead. Watch the sun go up and down.
I feel really empty inside. And I’m alone.
It was getting to be afternoon. A thought started creeping into my little head. I could see myself sitting in church week after week, trying to understand the readings from the Bible, trying to understand what the priest was saying. Taking the Eucharist bread and wine and trying to feel what Jesus meant by things he said. Week after week. And now I’m sitting here in the Grove, all alone. But I’m not! Haven’t I learned anything? I’m not alone!
There is a God out there, and inside me too. And there are Angels, and Archangels, and Spirits of all kinds. The Holy Spirit is drawing me toward God, and the Spirit of Truth is teaching me . . .
Wow! I’m not alone. I don’t have to ever feel alone! I’ve got Spirits and wonderful energies all around me. And trees. I’m not alone! I hopped up and pulled my cloak off. I breathed the clean air. “I’m not alone, am I?” I said out loud. I couldn’t help myself — I started dancing around the Grove, singing a song from church. “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, And all these things shall be added unto you, Allelu, Alleluia.”
For the first time in many hours, there was a smile on my face. I could feel it. I danced and ran around, thinking of all the Spirits. I remembered reading in one book about seven Spirits: Intuition, Understanding, Courage, Knowledge, Counsel, Worship, and Wisdom. Then I remembered something that said there were seven Archangels: Michael, Gabriel, Raphael, Uriel, and three others I couldn’t remember. I wonder if they’re the same. And if they are, which is which? I ran over to the fire pit and looked up at the blue sky. I wonder if I’ll ever see Spirits and Angels.
“Yes, you will,” a little voice somewhere inside me said.
I knelt down and started talking to the seven Spirits. “Spirit of Intuition, you are wonderful, because you help people to know things that they don’t think they’re supposed to know. You give people knowledge even when they
can’t go to school.
“Spirit of Understanding, I love you too. You are helping me make sense out of all the stuff I read and all the stuff I hear at church and everything.
Please keep helping me in the future. I have lots more to learn.”
I went on, talking to all kinds of different Spirits, even the Spirits of Earth, Air, Fire, and Water. Then I made up a few.
“Spirit of Trees, you are very special to me, because you let me feel a little bit like a bird when I swing, even though I don’t have wings. Thank you, Spirit of Trees!”
The sun was getting low in the sky. My mouth was so dry I couldn’t talk anymore, so I just spoke silently. God, Master of all Spirits, thank you for my Vision Quest. I almost want to do it for longer, but I know I need to go meet Penny, and get something to eat and drink. I think I’ll come back next year, and I’ll do better next time. I won’t waste my time feeling sorry for myself.
I got up and walked around the Grove. I didn’t want to leave. The Sun was almost setting. Good-bye, trees. I went over to the place I had slept part of the night. Thank you, logs, for comforting me. I put my cloak on and tied the green belt. I looked at the Magic Circle and its altar. I haven’t even stepped inside you on my Quest, but I’m glad you’re here. I’ll be back soon, but not alone next time.
The sun was sinking out of sight in the trees. I waited, standing tall and proud, my hood back, the evening breeze blowing my hair. The sky took on that pinkish color, and I knew the sun had set. I did what I always did before leaving. “Thank you, Grove, for letting me do my Vision Quest here!” I strode down the hill toward the Guardian Hedge.