“Oh, Ariel, it was so wonderful! I was really starting to wonder when the amulet would work, but I found it had been working all that time! He said he had been slowly falling in love with me almost since the day you cast that spell. And I guess I was falling in love with him too, but I didn’t want to even think about it because I thought he was maybe going to be your boyfriend.
Thank you, Ariel! Your magic worked!
“We sat in my mom’s garden for a long time, just getting closer and closer to each other. And we looked at each other and I felt things I’ve never felt before. I just melted, Ariel! It was more wonderful than I ever dreamed. It was the first time for both of us, and we made promises to each other. I knew my mom wouldn’t be home all day . . .”
As Penny spoke, I was crying inside. Something inside me was being torn apart. Something inside me was dying.
“We went really slow, like we had all the time in the world. I even remembered to use the contraceptive. We put oil all over each other . . .”
Penny told me more, but I didn’t hear it. She got the boy I wanted. It was my fault, if anyone’s. What had I done to get him? Why hadn’t I worn an amulet for love? I felt like I was sinking into a dark hole, and I wanted to cry
. . . but I couldn’t cry with Penny now. And if I couldn’t cry with her, then I couldn’t cry with anyone.
I looked at Penny. She was happy. Every freckle on her face looked happy.
I said some nice things and went home. I wanted to be alone so I could cry.
I didn’t go home. It was a Sunday afternoon and I wandered to the park, kicking at snow and ice as I walked. Part of the time I cried softly to myself.
Everything felt ruined — I never wanted to climb trees again, or run through the woods, or anything like that. Everything I saw just reminded me of wanting to be with Michael, and everything made me cry. I sat on the beach and stared at the water. The tide came up and got my pants wet. I didn’t care, but after a while I got up and walked away.
In the alder grove I found a tree I liked, leaned against it and cried. For so long I had been trying to figure out how to love Michael, and now he was gone. He was the first boy I ever loved, and he was gone. I felt so lost and empty . . .
I finally wandered home, cold and wet and hungry. I sat in the bathtub until the water got cold. When my mom asked me what was wrong at dinner, I said I couldn’t talk about it and slammed the door to my room behind me.
That next week, I moped my way through school for a few days, but finally decided I didn’t want it to ruin my life completely. I was still the leader of the Grove. I was still on the Search and Rescue team. It was my fault it had happened — I had never made any kind of claim on Michael, never told him how I felt about him. Damn it! Why hadn’t I?
I decided not to let anyone know what I was feeling. I started to talk nicely to people even though I didn’t feel nice. I learned how to live in two different worlds — nice, friendly Ariel on the outside, and all the hurt I felt on the inside that I couldn’t tell anyone about. Only when I was alone, or with Tara, did I let the darkness show on my face.
At our last candle making meeting, I could tell how happy Penny and Michael were, holding hands and touching each other. They told Issa too, but not in as much detail as Penny had told me. I said I was happy for them.
When they had all gone home, I sat and stared at the wall in my room instead of doing my homework.
At Candlemas, I asked Issa to tell us about the Jewish religion. I had tried to prepare a lesson, but found I couldn’t concentrate on it. He was shy about it at first, but when he realized we were interested, he loosened up. Actually, I just pretended to be interested.
When the chalice was filled with wine, I remembered how it had made me feel the first time. I wanted to feel that way again. After everyone had taken a small drink, I greedily gulped down the rest. For a little while it took away the rotten feeling of being one thing on the inside and another thing on the outside.