My mom didn’t make me go to school after that. I didn’t care. I was a wreck, and all I wanted to do was lie in bed and try to think of reasons why my life should go on. It was really hard to think of any.
One evening I was sitting on my bed, poking at my dinner on a tray. I didn’t know what day it was. The doorbell rang, and a minute later, Penny and Michael and Sandy were in my room telling me I needed to get ready for Beltane. I didn’t know what to say, so I just let Penny get out my cloak and Athame and stuff. She put a coat on me, and as we walked toward the front door, I saw Issa and Dulcy talking to my parents in the family room. My mom was crying. I didn’t know why.
We all walked toward the park silently together. Penny was on one side of me and Issa on the other. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go. Maybe it was time to quit pretending to be a Wood Sprite. I didn’t do anything anymore. But I couldn’t make myself decide.
We got to the park and I followed Penny into the woods. I was stumbling over almost everything, but for some reason they all stayed with me. I scratched myself crawling through the Guardian Hedge. Maybe it was guarding the Grove against people like me. Maybe I wasn’t a Wood Sprite at all anymore. Maybe I should just go home and not pretend to do magic anymore.
“Go ahead, Ariel. You’re almost through the Hedge,” a soft voice said.
I turned my head. It was Issa, his hood back and his curly brown hair
shining in the dim light. That gave me the courage to go on, but I felt rotten.
The closer we got to the Grove, the worse I felt. As we started up the slope to the top, my legs started shaking. “I can’t!” I said with tears in my eyes. “I can’t go there anymore!”
“You’re going, even if we have to carry you!” Penny said, her eyes flashing with anger at me. But then she put her arm around me tenderly. We walked slowly up into the cedars together.
Everyone sat down around the fire pit. I found a place beside Penny. They just sat there, their eyes closed. I felt really bored and I was shaking inside. It just went on and on. How long are they going to sit there like a bunch of dummies? I want to do something. Damn it! Why don’t they do something?
I can’t stand it anymore!
Penny took my hand. Then she said, “Dulcy, would you kindle the new Beltane fire?”
“Sure,” she said, and worked at the fire pit as Michael brought wood. Soon there was crackling, then flames. Penny left, and came back with a bunch of new tall candles. The fire got bigger and I could feel its heat. Penny handed me a candle.
The candle felt funny — my hands were getting all tingly and sweaty. It was a beautiful candle, about a foot and a half long. They must have gotten some taller wax containers. Everyone else lit their candles, so I did too, and we walked over to the Magic Circle.
“Ariel, please dedicate the Grove,” Penny said from beside me.
Why did she ask me? What good would it do for me to dedicate the Grove?
I didn’t even remember how. I looked up at Penny. She seemed so much taller than me now. So much stronger. I wanted to. I wanted to do something. “We dedicate this Grove . . .” It’s hard! I don’t know what to say.
“. . . to all Wood Sprites . . .” Why am I crying? Why can’t I just dedicate the Grove? “. . . and all good Spirits.”
Penny squeezed my hand. We all entered the Circle, set our candles on the altar, and sat down. I put mine on the altar last, and it almost fell over, but another candle stopped it. My candle was leaning on the other one. I burst out crying again and looked at Penny through my tears. She smiled at me. I think she was the only person in the world who ever smiled at me anymore. I
reached over and fixed my candle, then sat between Penny and Issa and made a half-hearted effort to put away my tears.
“The lesson tonight,” Dulcy began, “is about herbs, and when it’s right to use them and when it isn’t. I have had to do a lot of thinking recently, because I helped to cause someone a lot of pain. So now, at last, I’m prepared, I hope, to tell you how herbs can be used for white magic.”
I listened to Dulcy. I had never seen her so sad before. I didn’t know she was capable of being sad. I could tell the lesson had something to do with me
— I remembered the smoke and the mushrooms — but it was the sad look on her face that made me really feel something. I’m not sure what, but just knowing that someone else was sharing a little of the pain and the lost feelings gave me a little . . . hope or something.
“. . . so as you can see, the same criteria about white magic apply to herbs and everything else. Let’s ponder and pray about my failure.”
Pray? It had been so long. I wanted to, but I didn’t know how to start.
Maybe if I just sit, the time will pass quickly and we can get on to other things.
Come on, everybody. This is taking forever. Maybe it would go faster if I did it too. How do I begin? Maybe just . . . God?
Just as I thought about God, there was a flood of warmth inside me. I couldn’t help myself — I started crying like a baby. Tears were pouring out of me like they hadn’t in years. It was like a dam breaking. I felt arms around me, and heard Penny’s voice whisper in my ear.
“Do it all you want, Ariel.”
I couldn’t stop. My whole body was sweating and my face was all wet and still I couldn’t stop. I wasn’t really thinking about anything, but I had the feeling like an hourglass was draining its sand as I cried, except that it was full of a year and a half of tears. They just kept coming and I couldn’t stop them, and I didn’t want to.
I felt hands holding mine, and more arms around me. The candles made pretty star-shaped patterns through my tears. My body felt weaker than I could ever remember. I started wiping away the tears. Penny was right next to me. Sandy was beside me too. Issa was holding my hands. I could see Dulcy too. And Michael, beside Penny.
“God, please hear our prayers!” Penny said. She was smiling, but there
were tears in her eyes too. I wondered why, but then I noticed Dulcy at the altar lighting a blue candle. There was a tiny vial sitting on the altar too.
“I made some big mistakes,” Dulcy said, “but I still know my herbs. Good Spirits, please let this oil of sandalwood, carnation, and rosemary bring healing to Ariel, for all the hurt I have caused her.”
Dulcy picked up the vial, turned towards me, and I could see that she had been crying too. She knelt in front of me with her head bowed, opened the little container, and said, “Ariel, this oil took me a month to make, and I was more careful than I have ever been with anything. Please take it . . . as a small gift of . . . of magic from me.” She almost choked on her tears, but took my hands and let a drop of the special oil fall into each one.
I could smell it, and it was nice. Deep down inside, I was shaking. I had never seen Dulcy bow her head to anyone, but here she was in front of me.
She capped the vial and handed it to me, then went back to her place in the Circle.
Before I knew what was happening, there was music. It was a song I had never heard before coming from Michael’s recorder. Kind of happy and kind of sad. I closed my eyes and let it echo in my ears. I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks again. The boy was playing for me that I had been in love with. I wasn’t his. He had a girl. But he was playing for me anyway.
The song ended. I looked up, and Michael was sitting right in front of me.
He reached out and took my hands.
“When I saw how much you were hurt when Penny and I got together, I was really torn. I wanted you to be happy so badly, Ariel. I almost said good-bye to Penny a couple of times, but I stopped myself. I knew I couldn’t make you happy unless I was happy. You probably think I never cared about you, but that’s not true. I was in love with you once, Ariel, but it was a long time ago, when you first taught me how to swing on the high rings. You were the first girl I ever loved. I’ll always remember that. But then time — and boundaries we couldn’t cross — ruined it. I’m sorry that happened, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you then, I’m sorry I couldn’t find you again until years later, and I will be sorry for the rest of my life.”
He kissed me. On the lips. I didn’t quite know what to do. He had loved me once. I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t. My throat was too tight.
I just let more tears roll down my cheeks as Michael squeezed my hands, then sat back down.
Issa went up to the altar and set two little boxes on it. He lowered his head all the way to the ground and stayed there for a moment. Then he lit another blue candle and began to speak. I couldn’t understand the words — it was all in Hebrew. It was like a chant . . . or a prayer, maybe. I didn’t know the words, but somehow I started to understand, in my heart, what he was saying.
I started to feel warm inside. His strange words went on, low and throaty. My skin became tingly. It was a warm, comfortable kind of tingly. Almost hot.
He got louder, and I started sweating. It was like sitting in a hot bath.
His prayer became quiet again, then it ended. I felt so warm inside, but also a little dizzy, and I was glad Penny was holding onto me. “Thank you,” I whispered. He smiled and sat back down in his place.
Sandy said, “I don’t know much about magic yet, as this is my first holiday with you guys, but I’d like to read something from the Bible that might be helpful.” She pulled a little book from the inside of her cloak. She had a cloak on. And so did everyone else. But I hadn’t made it. Hers was the first one I hadn’t made. I wonder who made it?
I had a hard time paying attention to what Sandy read, but the last part lingered in my mind. “And he said unto her, Daughter, be of good comfort —
thy faith hath made thee whole — go in peace.”
Penny was at the altar now. Another blue candle. I could see she was peeling a clove of garlic, and had some other herbs, and a little blue amulet bag. “Spirit of Courage, please let this garlic, eucalyptus, and sage help Ariel to fight the temptations that have brought us all to this point. And as she once offered her life to seal an amulet for me . . .” Penny brought a knife I hadn’t seen before out of a sheath on her belt, “. . . I now seal this healing amulet with my life, that my Athame shall take away my life if I do any less than everything I can to help Ariel come back to us.”
No! Please don’t, Penny! Her Athame was on the altar as she tied the amulet closed. No! She can’t do that for me! I can’t let her! I stumbled to my feet and ran as fast as I could, smashing into a cedar tree but still running.
Down the hill. She can’t offer her life to me! I won’t let her. I’m not worth it!
Ouch! I kept running and stumbling. I didn’t know where I was going. It was
dark, and I hadn’t run in the dark in a long time. Ouch! I fell. Get up, Ariel!
Get away! They can’t help you! Just run until you die! It doesn’t matter anymore. There’s the Hedge. The Guardian Hedge. No, I can’t! I can’t . . .
I started to fall, but someone caught me. I went limp and cried. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t run anymore. I couldn’t run away anymore.
“Ariel, it’s me, Penny. Can you hear me?”
Penny. My best friend. Why? “Why do you want to risk your life for me?”
“Because you sealed my amulet with your life. And you almost really gave your life so I could have Michael. And you saved me from drowning once, too.
I owe you my life and my happiness, and if I have to lose both to help you, I will. I have that right too, damn it, Ariel! You are my best friend, and I will not let you wither away as long as I can do anything to help you. I’m not going to let you die! I’m not going to let you out of my sight until you’re strong and healthy again! And if you don’t think so, I dare you to try and get away from me! I dare you! I can outrun you, out-swim you, out-climb you, and I’ll use all the Wood Sprites and the whole Search and Rescue team to help you if I have to.”
I was sitting in the dirt. I looked up at Penny. Her eyes seemed to be glowing. I felt so weak and tired . . . and little. She was right. I couldn’t get away from her. Once I could have, but not now. And she was right about me saving her life. I knew the other Sprites were around us, but I could barely see them.
“I . . . I guess . . .” Tears took away my words. “I guess you’re right. I can’t fight you anymore. I don’t want to. I don’t want to . . .”
“Good!” Penny said. She took my hand and put something into it. A string
. . . and an amulet. I smelled it — garlic, eucalyptus, and faintly, sage. My hands were shaking, but I put it over my head.
I looked up at Penny again, then threw my arms around her. We didn’t say anything else, but walked slowly back to the Grove together, the glow of the fire guiding us. I felt hope, but I didn’t really know why. I just had to trust Penny. I couldn’t do anything else. She was my best friend again, or she always had been. And all the Sprites were my friends again, even . . . even Michael.
We stepped back into the Magic Circle. Issa handed the Grimoire to
Penny.
“We have written a special Pact,” she said. “The top part is for all the rest of us to sign. The bottom part is for you to sign.” She read it aloud, then handed it to me.
We Wood Sprites will do everything possible to help Ariel, our leader, come back to the Grove and become our Teacher again.
One of us will be with her at all times until she is healed.
I, Ariel, will not try to get away from my Wood Sprite companion. I will quit using drugs, and I will do everything I need to do so I can become healthy and happy again.
I stared at the words for a long time. Then I closed my eyes. I could still see the words in my mind. I felt someone take the Grimoire from me. When I opened my eyes, Dulcy was getting ready to prick her finger. I closed my eyes again. I was still shaking inside a little.
“Ariel?”
I looked. There were five names written in blood on the top part, and the pen was sitting there, waiting for me. I started laughing. It was a strange sound that I hadn’t heard coming out of my mouth in a long time, and there were tears running down my face again. I crawled up to the altar and looked at the pact.
“We’re going to do the top part no matter what,” Michael said, “but we hope you’ll sign your part.”
I looked at it again. Quit drugs. But I’d always have a Sprite with me. I’m not sure, but I think a smile crept onto my face. I picked up the pin and pricked my finger — too much. I grabbed the pen and filled it quickly. Sandy was beside me all of a sudden, took my left hand, and wrapped a cloth around my bleeding finger. She smiled at me.
I looked at the Pact, and with a shaking hand, wrote my name at the bottom. It looked terrible, like a little child had tried to write her name.
But all the Sprites were hugging and kissing me, and I knew I was smiling now. Dulcy appeared with a Band-aid for my finger, and after a while we all sat back down in the Circle.
“Ariel, it’s Beltane,” Penny said. “I think you’d be most qualified to ask a blessing for the seeds.”
“Me? Are you sure? I . . .”
“Yes, you. I’m sure,” she said, handing me a shoebox full of seed packets.
I looked at them. There were many more than we used to have. I felt weak. I wanted to go to sleep. I wanted to take a . . .
My left hand throbbed, and I remembered the Pact I had just signed. No pills. I went up to the altar. Penny handed me a green candle.
“God, I don’t feel worthy of doing this, but please, please help these seeds to grow for Penny’s mom.”
“And Dulcy!” Penny said.
“And Dulcy.” I lit the green candle. “And please help . . . help the other plants in the gardens to grow too.” It seemed like I should say something else, but I couldn’t think of what. I felt really hungry. I sat there for a minute, just thinking about seeds and gardens.
“Ariel, you’re crying on the seeds,” Sandy said.
“Oh, yeah. I’m sorry.” I tried to wipe the tears off the seed packets with the sleeve of my cloak. “I was just thinking that maybe I should grow a garden.” I went back to my place beside Penny.
Issa went up to the altar, poured wine into the chalice, and said, “Lord of the Universe, let this blessing cup bring your children together, so they may know they are loved by you and each other.”
He handed the full cup of wine to me first. I was scared, and the wine was almost spilling as I held it, so I took it with two hands. I looked into the cup of red liquid. This is where it all started, with wine. But . . . the wine isn’t evil.
None of the other Sprites get drunk or take drugs. It was . . . just me.
I put the cup to my lips, tasted the familiar sweet flavor, and remembered wanting to drink it all. The smell of sage came from my amulet. I looked over the rim of the cup at Issa. I was being tested. In my mind I could see my
signature in the Grimoire. I took a tiny sip, and with shaking hands, gave the cup to Dulcy.
I closed my eyes. I had passed a test, and I felt a spark of pride. Someone put some bread in my hand, and I munched on it. It was fresh and nutty tasting. A little while later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. Penny was handing me the chalice again.
“It’s still half full. What should we do with it?”
I knew. I took the chalice, held it out in front of me, and poured it onto the ground. Everyone was smiling. Including me.
Penny blew out the little candles and handed each of us our tall white one.
We filed out of the Magic Circle, and standing around the outside of it, Dulcy said, “Grove, thank you for your patience with us and our weaknesses. Thank you, God and Spirits, for being with us.”
Michael built up the fire, and we all sat around it. Penny took my hand on the left, and Dulcy on the right. I noticed everyone was holding hands and just looking at each other. Sandy looked happy.
“I’ll be with you for the first few days,” Penny said to me, “starting tonight, and Dulcy and Sandy will help out too. Sometimes the boys will be with you during the day so me and Sandy can do homework and Dulcy can go to work and stuff. One of us will be with you all the time, even at night. Your parents already know.”
“You guys are crazy . . . but you’re wonderful!” I said.
“First we’re going to get you free of drugs, and strong again. Don’t worry about school. You have more important things to do.”
“Yeah,” was all I could say. School seemed so unimportant right now. I still felt like I wasn’t worth all this trouble, but I knew I couldn’t stop them.
The fire died down, and everyone buzzed around getting ready to go. Issa cleaned the altar and Dulcy put away the herbs. Finally Michael put out the fire, and we headed into the darkness.
I can’t say I was happy or anything. I had surrendered to the will of my friends, and I felt a little hope. I still felt useless, sick, and depressed. We crawled through the Guardian Hedge. Penny would be spending the night with me, and that sounded like it would make my room a much nicer place to
be.
We came to the picnic area, and everyone else pulled off their cloaks, so I did too. All of a sudden everyone seemed to be running away from me, forgetting me. Dulcy headed toward her apartment, and Sandy walked with her. Penny and Michael started walking toward her house, hand in hand.
“Where’s everybody going? I thought Penny was going to spend the night with me,” I said, half to myself.
“She is, a little later,” Issa said.
I hadn’t realized he was still beside me. “Why did everybody leave so suddenly?”
“They knew I wanted to be with you awhile.”
I was confused. I looked at Issa. He was so quiet, so gentle.
“Ariel, I don’t have any practice at telling people things like this. I hope you’ll understand. God willing, I’ll only have to do it once.”
“What is it Issa? Why are you crying?”
“Because . . . because I have loved you ever since I joined the Grove . . .” he said, wiping his eyes, “but I couldn’t tell you . . . at first because you were too young and your parents wouldn’t understand . . . and then, because I had to see if you could . . . if you could get clean.”
Oh my God. I looked at the guy standing there telling me he loved me. I realized how much I liked him. I had never thought about it before. I had been so busy trying to forget about Michael. I looked at his brown eyes. I know I like him. He’s 20 years old. But I feel like I’m 50. It doesn’t matter.
He’s nice. He’s strong. He loves me. I need to have someone love me. And
. . . I want to love someone in return. I really want to.
I leaned against Issa and put my arms around him. He held me tightly.
For a long time, neither of us said anything.
“I was wondering if you’d like to go get some pizza with me,” he said.
I looked up at him. I could feel tears in my eyes again. “I’d like that very much, Issa.”