It was late July. I still had a date to be with at least one of my friends every day, but Penny only spent the night once a week or so, or sometimes I would spend the night with her. Today I met Issa at the bakery at noon, and we went downtown and walked along the waterfront.
“I’m starved,” I said. “What’ll we get for lunch?”
“I brought some onion rolls,” Issa said.
“Cream cheese and lox?” I suggested. He put his arm around me and we walked toward the deli. It was a breezy day — the saltwater smell was heavier than usual. I wasn’t thinking about much, just feeling good and enjoying being alive and healthy again. Gulls wheeled in the air overhead.
“Ariel, what kind of relationship do you want us to have?”
I had never dealt with a question like that before. We entered the deli and managed to squeeze between people over to the fish cooler. “Slow, I think.”
He asked for a nice chunk of raw smoked salmon and a quarter pound of cream cheese. I got some bottles of juice — I knew which kind he liked. He paid, and we found a little table.
“Exclusive and committed?” he asked.
I knew the answer. It was just scary to say it. It was important, like a magic spell or something. Dangerous if done carelessly. Wonderful if done at the right time, in the right way, and for the right purpose. I looked at Issa.
“Nothing less.”
He smiled. I poked a piece of salmon into his mouth. I think I love you
Issa.
Soon Lammas was upon us. I could really relate to Sandy — it was her first Lammas, her first day-time celebration at the Grove — and it felt like mine too. I hadn’t really been there last year. The year before . . . I couldn’t remember things too well that happened before I started drugs.
We gathered fruits, flowers, vegetables, and herbs out of six different gardens now. I carried baskets and helped pick flowers. Penny was the leader, and that was okay. Sandy and I smiled at each other a lot and sometimes we even broke out giggling.
The most fun part was putting on our cloaks and winding through the alder and maple woods with the baskets on our heads. The morning dew was dripping from the treetops. Michael played a happy tune. I could tell Sandy loved it.
We gathered at the fire pit, but after our silent time, Penny said, “I have kept the leadership of the Grove for more than a year now. It belongs to my dear friend Ariel. I can’t keep it any longer.”
Penny, you creep. Everyone was looking at me. Did I want to be the leader of the Grove? I started the Grove, but . . . Penny does a really good job.
I owe her something. I looked at the ground. “I . . . don’t think I’m strong enough for that . . .”
Issa looked at me. “Ariel has been tested more than any of us. She is different now, as we all know. She used to see deeper into spiritual matters than the rest of us — heck, deeper than my rabbi — and I think she will have even deeper insights to share with us as she gets stronger.”
Feelings were fighting inside me, but a warm, fuzzy feeling was starting to win.
“Maybe . . .” Dulcy began thoughtfully, “. . . maybe Penny could he the leader, like the organizer, and Ariel could be the teacher, the priestess.”
“Yeah!” Michael said. “Penny can plan things, and I can help her, but Ariel will be the spiritual leader!”
I couldn’t deny that I had been through a lot. But did that make me a spiritual leader? A priestess? A Teacher?
Sandy was smiling at me and nodding her head.
“Perfect!” Issa said.
“Will you be the Priestess of our Grove?” Penny asked me.
I took a deep breath. Courage, Ariel. “I’ll . . . try . . .” I really did feel happy about it. Maybe a little inadequate. I was glad Penny would still be the leader. A smile crept onto my face.
The Grove was dedicated, and Issa gave a lesson about the wisdom books in the Bible. Then there was prayer time. God, how can I be the spiritual leader of the Grove? What can I do?
Share your magic, Ariel. Share your faith.
My faith? I guess I had to have a lot of that to get through what I did. At least in one piece. Should I read a bunch of stuff about faith?
You can. But you don’t need to. You experienced it.
Wow. Maybe I can be a spiritual leader. Maybe I will be able to teach something. Maybe I can help someone so they don’t have to take drugs like I did. I opened my eyes and looked around. I wonder who I can teach?
Everyone here already knows what I went through. At least they know what it did to me.
“God, please hear our prayers,” Penny said.
I watched as Dulcy lit a yellow candle and asked the Spirit of Knowledge to help her understand an herb she was having trouble learning about. She put something on charcoal in the thurible, and it smelled nice, but I could tell it wasn’t Thorn Apple, and I was glad. Michael went up to the altar next and asked a blessing for his new alto recorder. He said he was giving his old one to a younger friend.
When Michael finished, Issa started to move to the altar, but stopped and reached out his hand toward me. I felt a little scared, but I went.
We both knelt in front of the altar. Issa took two little boxes out of his cloak. I had seen them before, I was sure of it. I couldn’t remember where, so I just listened.
“Ariel, I’ve already asked you if you wanted a committed relationship with me. You said yes. An old Jewish custom is for both the boy and the girl to keep halves of a broken coin, called a Mitzpah.”
My heart was pounding. I had heard of the Mitzpah coin. It was almost like being engaged. I think I was shaking. I’m sure I was crying.
“In these boxes are the two halves of an Israeli one pound piece. I had them at Beltane when I said the prayer for you . . .”
I remember! They were on the altar!
“. . . if you are willing, this one is for you to give to me,” he said, handing me one box, “and this one is for me to give to you.” I opened the little box. In it was half of a strange coin with Hebrew on it, and it was attached to a necklace chain.
“Are you willing, Ariel?”
I wiped my eyes and looked at the boy who loved me. Courage, Ariel. I briefly remembered Jason. “Yes, Issa.”
Penny handed us each a pink candle. Issa lit his and said, “Spirits, please let this token of my love for Ariel always give her strength and comfort.” He put it around my neck and clasped it. I felt it with my hand. It felt like it belonged there, next to my amulet of healing from Penny.
It was my turn. I was holding the box and the candle. Do I love you, Issa?
I think I do. It’s scary. I lit the candle. “Spirits, this is a token of my love for Issa. Please help him to remember me, wherever he is, and to forgive me for the dumb things I did.” I was crying again. I put it around his neck, and with shaking fingers, clasped it. With a broken voice, I whispered, “I love you, Issa.”
All of a sudden there was clapping all around us. I had forgotten about the others. I looked around and saw Penny, Michael, Dulcy, and Sandy all clapping and smiling. I was more embarrassed than I had ever been. I looked back at Issa. He leaned forward and kissed me. If I was dying of embarrassment before, I was dead and buried now. But I think I was smiling.
Michael played and we began the ceremony of the first fruits of the harvest. Later, around the fire while munching on fresh fruit and veggies, Issa made an announcement.
“I would like to do my Vision Quest in about a week. I want to be tested as much as God will allow so I can know and understand what Ariel already knows. I only pray that I can pass my tests as well as she has.”