Not having my mother around in a parental role did have an impact
on my life, but I don’t think I truly grasped that until much later in
life. Although things calmed down a bit at school, the turmoil in my
life was far from over. I would see her along the street, usually
following behind me as I walked home from school. Though she
would not speak directly to me, or acknowledge me, it was as if she
wanted to keep an eye on me. I, on the other hand, was rather
embarrassed and nervous at the same time, because I was never sure
what her reaction or response would be when I encountered her.
This of course made it difficult to fit in and have any semblance of a
normal existence throughout my teenage years. As a result, I didn’t
have much of a social life in high school. Most people thought I was
crazy too, so that stigma did not do much for me in the boyfriend
department. Folks were also afraid of my mother and since they
didn’t know how she would react to them being around me, they just
kept their distance. That was the case for most people, but not the
two young ladies who would become my best friends in the world,
even today.
My girls, Janis and Simone, were my safe place in the midst of the
madness and they have a special place in my heart. During a time
when I lived life in a fog, they were my foundation and stuck up for
me many times when no one else would. Back then I felt marked for
life as the crazy woman’s child, like I was being punished for
something I had done wrong. I also felt damaged and ugly, on the
34
JOURNEY UNTOLD: TWISTED LOVE –
MY MOTHER’S STRUGGLE WITH MENTAL ILLNESS
inside and out because it seemed like I was unlovable. Every day I
would ask God to give me my mother back so that my life could be
‘normal’ again. What I didn’t understand at the time was that this was
the life that I had been given and it would be up to me to make the
very best of it. After a very tumultuous start, my sophomore and
junior years turned out to be fairly low key. Then, during the summer
before starting my senior year, things changed. I was hanging out
with my older cousin and her boyfriend one afternoon, and waiting
for them to get ready so we could go out. The boyfriend also had one
of his buddies at her house with him, so it was the four of us. As we
were waiting, I remember thinking that they were taking awfully long
to come outside – boy was I naive. At any rate, the “buddy”
suggested that we go for a drive since they were still occupied.
Not knowing any better, I said sure. The next thing I know I am
somewhere far from town, on the other side of the island in this
dude’s car. Fully alert now, I am eerily aware that I have no idea
where I am because I was not yet driving, and I didn’t tell anyone
where I was going. Hell, I didn’t even know this guy’s real name, just
the nickname I heard my cousin’s boyfriend calling him. In a split
second, the atmosphere changed and this fool was trying to take my
innocence away from me. Somewhere deep in his mind I had been
coming on to him, and had given him the green light. All I could
think of was that I had to get out of there and I had to fight. So I
fought and I fought, scratching and kicking until it was over. It was
like time had stopped and I felt myself closing into a shell. In and in
all honesty, I don’t remember how long it was before I got home. I
35
Author: Yassin S. Hall | Co-Author: Loán C. Sewer
knew that something terrible had happened but I didn’t have the
heart to tell anyone. I just couldn’t, I mean who was going to believe
that I didn’t bring this upon myself? I just wanted to get home, take a
shower, crawl under the covers, and forget that this day had ever
happened. Remember, I had never had a boyfriend and as you can
imagine, my grandmother was not going to sit down and explain the
birds and the bees to me, but I can assure you that this was not how
it was supposed to happen.
What happened in the car is more complicated than I can share, but
suffice it to say it was a life altering moment. By the time my senior
year rolled around, I was sixteen, pregnant, and wondering what
would become of my life now. Just when things were starting to go
so well and people were beginning to accept the real me. I knew from
the beginning that I was not going to have an abortion. That just
goes against everything I believe in, but I also felt as though God was
giving me a chance to lose the stigma that mental illness had placed
over my life. Looking back now, I believe that this baby was a gift,
but at the time, I and my pregnant state were a source of
embarrassment and disappointment for my family – especially my
father’s side. After I decided to embrace motherhood, I put my focus
on finishing school and raising my baby. With unwavering support
from Mama, I was able to plan ahead for my future. I was fortunate
to have been granted a part-time position in the Corporation
Division of the Office of the Lieutenant Governor, which enabled
me to hone my professional and technical skills in the workforce.
36
JOURNEY UNTOLD: TWISTED LOVE –
MY MOTHER’S STRUGGLE WITH MENTAL ILLNESS
My immediate supervisor was a wonderful woman who admired my
desire to work hard and my ability to utilize the computer systems
her office had just installed to organize their documents in a digital
format. Sometimes things happen in a way that only God can design.
It turned out that my supervisor had a relative who suffered from
mental illness so she totally understood my plight. Finally, I had
found someone with whom I could honestly and openly sit, shake my
head, and find humor in my mother’s situation. She was the only
other person at the time that I had ever met with a relative who had
the same condition, and it felt good not to be judged, but accepted. I
final y felt like I was not alone! Throughout the course of my after school
employment, my supervisor and I developed a connection that would
later open doors for me.
In June 1988, I crossed the stage with my high school diploma in
hand and a desire to make something of my life. I was hired on ful -
time at my job and was finally feeling like things were coming
together. Our offices sat on Government Hill – the area on St.
Thomas where the Governor’s and Lieutenant Governor’s
administrative offices are located – adjacent to each other. One day
while we were working, I heard a woman yelling from down in the
street, “Where is my husband, the Governor?” This was followed by
a long, loud cackling as she laughed to herself while walking up the
hill. Now keep in mind that I said I worked on the third floor; well
guess whose office was below us on the second floor? My boss, the
Lieutenant Governor, with the same open windows that were in our
office! Whenever this happened – yes, there was more than one incident –
37
Author: Yassin S. Hall | Co-Author: Loán C. Sewer
my supervisor would call me into her office so that we could yell
back at her to be quiet, and she would just wave at us. Oh my goodness.
How could this woman come up here to my job and embarrass me like this? I just
wanted to fal into the floor and disappear. What if everyone can hear her? One
day, the Lieutenant Governor called me downstairs into his office
and asked me if the lady who yelled from down in the street was my
mother. I remember standing there shaking, willing myself not to pee
at that very moment. After all, this was only the second highest ranking
of icial in our homeland waiting for my response, but hey, no pressure! I held my
head down in shame, praying that I wasn’t about to be fired,
apologized for her behavior, and said yes to answer his question. In
the back of my mind I was thinking…great, now something good is going to be
taken away yet again because of her. First my childhood, now THIS?! Was I
ever going to be free of this worthless feeling? Geez!
As a side note, I know you’re probably thinking, how I could be so
informal with the Lieutenant Governor. However in a small
community like ours, with about 50,000 people on an island, you
often know your elected officials on a personal level, or run into
them in the stores as they shop. Oftentimes the officials are pretty
down to earth so it’s not difficult to speak to them as “regular”
people. Minutes seemed to pass, but in reality it was probably just a
few seconds. The Lieutenant Governor stood up and told me in a
very calming and funny manner that he just wanted to meet the
young lady that he had heard nothing but good things about and to
put a face to the name. After that day, it became like a joke between
him and me whenever my mom would pass by asking to see her
38
JOURNEY UNTOLD: TWISTED LOVE –
MY MOTHER’S STRUGGLE WITH MENTAL ILLNESS
husband. What a relief. Thank God he didn’t react differently. Maybe there
was hope that I could live my own life after al . I would learn decades later
from my good friend Juel that my mother not only called out, but
actually went up to the Governor’s office to bring him toiletries from
his “wife.”
OMG, she brought the Governor of the United States Virgin Islands toilet
paper, toothpaste, and a toothbrush? Lord, Jesus, take me now! The Governor
seemed to know that she would bring these things to him and
allowed her to leave them with the staff and confirm that he received
them, just to appease her. Talk about pleasing your constituents. Remember,
my mother was registered to vote now, but even if she didn’t vote, as a resident she
was entitled to go and see her elected leader. Only my mother…good grief. I
wonder what his REAL wife thought?!
39
Author: Yassin S. Hall | Co-Author: Loán C. Sewer
40
JOURNEY UNTOLD: TWISTED LOVE –
MY MOTHER’S STRUGGLE WITH MENTAL ILLNESS