I spend about two hours contemplating the idea of going to the party. It could be a chance for me to have fun and possibly make friends. But on the other hand, I’m not sure if the people at this party would be the type of friends I would want. Everyone seems so concerned about fitting in while I actually prefer to be weird because it’s less boring than being normal.
But now it has come to the point where my solitude consumes me. I decide to take a chance and venture out into the unknown night.
I walk to my closet and struggle to find something party appropriate. I’ve never noticed that my wardrobe mainly consists of faded band t-shirts, sneakers, and blue jeans.
“Hmm, so many options,” I say out loud.
I take in a deep breath and consider how to spruce myself up. My mother is petite and I could possibly fit into some of her clothes, but hip-hugging, nipple-baring, skin tight, pleather-styled fashion is so not my style.
I end up selecting my cleanest white t-shirt, my favorite skinny blue jeans, and my navy blue Converse sneakers. I walk to the mirror to check myself out and I’m instantly humbled. As easy as it is to see the beauty in others I have a hard time seeing it in myself. I throw on a jacket to conceal my body.
I wonder why a guy like Saul would pay any attention to a girl like me. My thin brown hair falls flat down the side of my head. My pale skin looks whiter than normal and my hazel eyes are looking more brown tonight with only hints of green; the color of a duck turd. I’ve been told I have a pretty face but only by relatives who I feel are obligated to say this.
I find a curling iron in my mother’s bathroom drawer and I curl the ends of my hair. I lightly powder my cheeks with her pink blush and color my lips with a neutral colored lipstick. I try to apply mascara but it quickly becomes disastrous as I clumsily stab myself in the eye with the brush. I decide that I will not make a drastic effort to try to impress my classmates. If I’m going to make any friends I want the type that will like me just as I am.
***
After twenty minutes of driving through the woods I arrive at the party and find myself staring at a house that has been built in the middle of secluded forest. It’s out of sight of any neighbors, a perfect party house where noise wouldn’t be detected for miles. Luckily my mother rarely noticed when I was gone and I didn’t have to worry about a curfew. This party might last all night.
I step out of my car to examine the area; it’s absolutely beautiful out here. The surprisingly short winter has left only patches of snow on the ground and they are beginning to dissolve.
Across from the house there is a meadow that is lit up by the moonlight. I can see tall grass and wildflowers starting to emerge from the melted ice spots. At the other end of the field there is an opening in the pine trees. I see a large sign that points to the entrance of a trail that will take a person deeper into the woods.
I close my eyes for a moment and take in a deep breath; the air is crisp and makes me shiver as soon as I inhale. I can smell the scent of pine and I hear crickets chirping loudly. I look up at the sky and notice the stars shining brightly. Unlike near the city, I can see them all so well out here. There seems to be millions more than usual. I can’t help but think that this is how life should be, calm; without all the hustle and worry.
As soon as this thought strikes my mind I see a shooting star fly across the sky. Such a perfect moment, maybe I have made the right choice coming to this party. I close my eyes, as I believe I’m entitled to a wish now, and I think of what I want. The idea comes quickly as I consider how I want to know the truth about life, and in order to do that I will probably need a miracle.
As I walk towards the house I can already hear rap music playing loudly. Silly of me to think that they would be jamming to gospel tunes. I’m starting to discover that the label of being a Catholic school student doesn’t necessarily mean that any of us are more virtuous than others.
I try calling Saul a few times from my cellphone hoping he could meet me at the front door so I can avoid an awkward entrance. When he doesn’t answer I think about leaving but I didn’t come here to let fear turn me away, and I can’t shake this feeling that I’m in the right place at the right time.
With the party noise I knew it would be silly to knock or ring the doorbell so I walk in timidly through the front door.
The room is filled with people from my school and others I’ve never seen before. Some of them turn to look at me curiously while others continue partying unaware of my presence. Out of the corner of the room a junior girl in my Physics class, named Sadie, comes running up to me in a drunken stupor.
“O-m-g, it’s the Zen Moone! Dude what are you doing here? I thought you like, hated everyone!” she shouts.
“I don’t hate anyone. I don’t know I was bored so I thought I’d stop by. Do people really call me “The Zen Moone?” I ask.
“That’s what I call you,” she says while her body sways from side to side. She has obviously had a few drinks. “Anyways I’m so glad you’re here! I always told my boyfriend that I thought you were just some antisocial hippie, but he thinks you’re like a secret serial killer who’s going to go all crazy and burn the school down or something.”
“Oh really?” I ask. “I guess he’s on to me.”
She begins laughing so intensely that she snorts and slightly convulses, causing her to spill most of her beer from the cup she's holding in her hand.
“Oops, time for a refill! Kegs over there,” she points to a crowded corner, where I see Saul standing near the keg with his friends. “Party on chica!” Sadie yells as she disappears, stumbling through the crowd.
If this is a preview of what the rest of the night would be like then I should start planning to make a dash towards an exit. I quickly turn to make my way towards the door when I hear someone yelling my name.
“Zenny, over here!” I turn around to see Saul making his way towards me. “Hey, you made it,” says Saul as he reaches out to give me a hug, which I wasn’t expecting. It ended up turning into an uncomfortable half-hug, pat on the back exchange. I receive a few jealous glares from girls standing nearby. It is obvious Saul has many admirers.
“I just got here a few minutes ago,” I say.
“Well let’s go over here; I’ll make you a drink. You look great by the way.” Saul grabs my hand and leads me to the kitchen where there are at least ten bottles of hard liquor.
“What do you like?” he asks. I gaze at the bottles and try to decide which poison I could tolerate best. I’ve never been a fan of alcohol. The last time I had drank was at my cousin’s wedding a year ago and I ended up getting sick off of one glass of champagne.
“Can you make me a Cosmopolitan?” I ask. I don’t even know what it is but I’ve heard about it on TV and I’ve always wanted to try it.
“Oooh classy, sure thing.” I watch Saul grab vodka, cranberry juice, and a lime from the fridge when I hear someone else say my name.
“Zenny, so glad you could make it.” I turn to see Lindsay and her friend glaring at me and then she flashes me that infamous fake smile of hers. She’s wearing a tight, skimpy black dress and about two pounds worth of makeup. It makes me wonder if she actually raided my mother’s closet.
“Hi Lindsay,” I say calmly and turn my attention back to Saul hoping she’ll leave me alone.
“I thought you and Saul might hit it off, I was the one who told him he should invite you tonight.” She smirks at Saul who suddenly looks up and gives her a knowing look.
“Well you two have fun tonight,” she says and walks away while whispering and giggling to her friend. I watch as she glances back at me and smiles.
“What was that about?” I ask Saul as he hands me my drink. “Are you guys setting me up for something? You’re not going to poor pig’s blood on me are you?”
Saul laughs. “No way, you know how Lindsay is…” he starts but doesn’t finish his statement about her. “Let’s go have some fun!”
I spend the next hour mingling with Saul’s friends and my classmates. I walk into conversations that include mentions of drugs, sex, fashion, and gossip. Everyone we approach seems surprised to see me and somewhat interested to know more about me. Maybe Sadie’s boyfriend is not the only one who’s concerned that I might blow up the school.
When I finish the last drops of my drink I can feel my body start to get warm and my lips start to tingle. Everything seems to move a half a second slower and the music is becoming more tolerable.
“Time to do shots!” Saul yells breaking my trance as he hands me a shot glass full of brown liquor. “I really don’t want it. I’ll get sick,” I say trying to hand it back to him.
“Oh c’mon one shot won’t make you sick. It’ll be all you need to make you feel good for the rest of the night,” he says.
I watch as other people gather around us with their shot glasses filled and ready to be guzzled.
“You guys ready?” A girl yells holding up her glass.
“You don’t want to be left out do you?” Saul asks as he slowly lifts his hand to inch the shot glass closer to my mouth.
Sadie appears from the crowd with a shot in her hand “Do it Zenny! That’s the good stuff!” she shouts.
I don’t know why but for a moment I feel like I’m a part of their crowd, and it makes me happy. They’re all acting as if they know me and I feel accepted. I don’t want to let them down and at this unexpected moment, I actually want to impress them.
“On the count of three everyone! One, two, three!” Saul counts down and everyone quickly swallows their shot. I follow their lead and take one giant gulp which I immediately regret. I can feel the liquid burn the inside of my throat and that warm sensation travels all the way down to my stomach.
“You okay?” Saul asks laughing.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I start to cough, “that was disgusting.” One of Saul’s friends standing nearby seems to overhear me and leans into to talk to me.
“Have you met Molly?” he asks.
“No,” I say trying to ignore the burning feeling in my gut “where is she?” I look around expecting to be introduced to someone. Saul and his friend start laughing loudly.
“You really don’t get out much do you?” Saul asks. “He means the drug Molly.”
“You guys want some? Or I got some other pills we can have fun with,” says Saul’s friend.
“Dude, save it for tomorrow night,” says Saul, “we’ve been drinking. Besides, Zenny is a fragile flower and we don’t want to scare her away.”
I’m instantly offended by his comment and I take it as a challenge.
“Whatevs, let’s do another shot,” I say and reach for the vodka bottle eager to prove my resilience. Saul smiles and grabs a glass.
“Alright, let’s do this!” he yells as we raise our glasses and take back another shot. This one doesn’t burn as much but as I set down the glass the room starts to tilt and I feel myself stumble into Saul.
“You sure you’re okay?” he asks.
“Yeah, I just need to sit down,” I say.
“This way, we’ll go chill in AJ’s room.”
I don’t realize the significant effects of the alcohol that has taken over me until Saul tries to lead me upstairs and my legs feel as heavy as led.
“Oh my gosh. I didn’t know we had to climb Mt. Everest to get to his room. Can we just go sit on the couch over there?” I turn to look behind me to search for the couch and almost fall as I turn back around to face Saul.
“Whoa! I gotcha,” says Saul as he catches me and helps me stand upright. He helps me walk up the stairs by practically carrying me. I don’t like this. This feeling of not being in control of my own body, I want it to end now.
Saul leads me to AJ’s room and when we open the door a cloud of smoke rolls out of the doorway.
“FIRE!” I yell hysterically.
“No, I think they just got done smoking in here,” he says. “To bad they didn’t invite us.” He walks into the room and sits on AJ’s bed, “Come sit down you got to see this.”
I hesitantly walk in to the room that smells like a skunk and I’m appalled by what I see. Dirty dishes with crusted food on the edges; who knows how long they’ve been sitting there. Posters of half-naked women and marijuana leaves are taped to every wall. Dirty clothes lay on the floor and a gargantuan bong sits on the nightstand next to the only hygienic item in the room, a bottle of fresh cloth scented air freshener.
“Gross. Do all guys’ rooms look like this?” I ask. Now the alcohol is not the only thing making me queasy.
“Nah, just AJ’s. This room should probably be quarantined. Check this out. This is the only reason I come in here,” he says.
Saul fumbles with some type of projector sitting by AJ’s bed and pushes a button on the cord attached to it. The bulbs begin to flicker and then it shines brightly as it produces hundreds of stars all across the room. I even see constellations like the Big Dipper and Orion gleaming across the walls.
I try to focus on each star but the room seems to start spinning and causes me to stumble. I quickly sit on AJ’s bed to control my balance.
“Amazing isn’t it?” asks Saul.
“It’s beautiful.”
“So are you,” he says shyly. I can feel him gazing at me. I disregard his compliment as I suspect he has used this tactic before on other girls. Luckily I’m not drunk enough to be fooled by his masterly charm. I want to enjoy this light show and even Saul cannot distract me right now.
What an idea, viewing the stars from the comfort of your own home; perfect for people in big towns where the city lights are strong enough to dim any star.
“It’s sad isn’t it?” I say.
“What is?” Saul asks.
“What we’ve done to the world.”
“What do you mean?”
“We’ve taken the most naturally beautiful things and we’ve covered or destroyed them. Then once we realize that we miss them instead of trying to fix our mistakes we find a way to replace its beauty with a fake prototype to keep us satisfied, and then we put it in a box and sell it for money.”
“Umm, I guess,” says Saul, “but not everything has been destroyed. I mean think about all the national parks that are still preserved. I think people respect nature enough to not want to destroy everything.”
“Yeah you’re right, but not everyone thinks like that.”
It suddenly becomes very quiet in the room and I can hear Saul exhale loudly.
“Geez, way to kill this light show,” he says, “I thought you might have liked it.” He reaches for the switch to turn off the projector.
I grab his hand, “No, it’s nice! I’m sorry. I’m just saying I don’t think people really appreciate what they have until it’s gone and one day we’re not going to be able to pretend that whatever it is we lost is still here.”
Saul stares at me for a moment and looks confused. “You’re really not like other girls, are you?” he asks.
“I guess not,” I smile at him.
He slowly leans in to kiss me and I don’t pull away. For a moment the kiss is actually nice. His lips are soft, warm, and it feels good to have someone actually show interest in me; especially a guy that looks like Saul. But the moment quickly comes to a halt when I feel him shove his tongue into my mouth.
“Eww!” I yell and shove him away from me. “What are you doing?”
“What?” he looks at me with surprised eyes. “What’s your problem?”
“First off your entire tongue was just in my mouth, it’s just--, it’s not sexy, okay? And secondly, you taste like garlic bread. Let’s just end this before I throw up all over this room.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” says Saul.
“What?” I shout. “Why are you so surprised? Did you really think that just because I came up here with you and you showed me your stupid light show that now you get to have your way with me?”
“The only reason I invited you to this party was because Lindsay said you hook up with any guy who shows interest,” he says.
“Seriously?” I ask in disbelief. My whole body gets hot, feeling as though my blood is starting to boil “And you believed her?”
“Just calm down,” he says as he leans in for another kiss. I react quickly and grab the can of air freshener from the nightstand and spray Saul in the face with it.
“Owww! What the ------ . It burns! And why do I smell like laundry?” He yells loud enough so that people outside of the room rush in to see what’s going on. Some of them start to laugh at Saul and others stare in shock.
“Don’t ever talk to me again Saul,” I yell as I scurry out of the room.
Before I reach the stairs I can hear him shouting at me, “You’re going to regret that! You think you’re better than everyone Zenny but you’re just like the rest of us!”
I run back downstairs into the crowd. I need to get out of here now but I can feel the burning sensation of the liquor rising up from the pit of my stomach. I see the bathroom light on up ahead and no one is in there. I quickly make my way in and lock the door behind me. I heave over the toilet as all the liquor from the night comes back up.
This night didn’t turn out the way I had hoped.
Is Saul right? Do I think I’m better than everyone? If I did why would I even be here trying to fit in with them?
I realize me being here is an attempt to try to understand my classmates, trying to understand why I’m so different, trying to figure out who I am.
I quickly stand up and feel the blood rush to my head. It feels like I might faint and now a horrendous headache accompanies my symptoms. I open the medicine cabinet and find a bottle of pain killers. There is a knock at the door and I shove the bottle into my jacket pocket.
I look into the mirror to make sure there are no traces of vomit on my face, but instead I see something more frightening. I see my own reflection only it’s not me. It looks like me but my reflection is smiling evilly, staring me straight in the eye. I look away quickly and feel my heart start to race. I look up again. This time I only see my disheveled reflection staring back. Am I losing my mind?
There is another knock at the door. As I open it to make my escape I’m annoyed to see Lindsay and two of her friends standing in front of me.
“Don’t look so excited to see me,” she says. “I just wanted to ask how things went with Saul. Did you two have a good time?” She starts giggling, obviously pleased with what she had done. “And by the way I see you’ve met my friend makeup. Thank God. I was worried you would never do anything to try to save your face.”
“I was worried about your face too Lindsay, but I found out female mustaches can be hereditary,” I retort. Lindsay’s friends begin to chuckle. She glares at them, and they stop almost instantly.
“Just get out of my way,” I tell her as I push her to the side.
Lindsay dramatically falls to the floor as she and her friends shriek loudly. “Oh my gosh you could’ve killed her!” yells one of her friends.
As I head to the door I can feel tears start to collect in my eyes, blurring my vision. I finally make it out to the front yard and I immediately start bawling. Even though I was surrounded by people I’ve never felt more alone.
I start to think about what might have been going on in Nathan’s mind the night he took his own life. Perhaps he thought that he wasn’t ending his life only stopping the misery. Maybe I don’t belong here. At this moment I want to wave the white flag and surrender.