-9-
IT’S ONLY when I reach the fence around the manor grounds that I notice my pendant is damaged. It probably cracked when I fell down.
There’s no time to worry about it, though, because the whole manor is in turmoil. People are standing outside their huts or tents and some young men with torches are walking around, entering every dwelling.
I climb the fence and sneak to the nearest cabin, which fortunately turns out to be Ami’s. I take care not to make too much noise when I knock at her door.
“Who is it?” Colin’s voice comes through the door.
“Colin?” I whisper in surprise. “What are you doing here?”
The door opens a crack and Colin pulls me inside. The hut is illuminated by a single candle in the far corner. In the half-dark, I can see the worried frown on his face.
“I’m sitting here with Ami because she’s scared out of her wits,” he says softly, but indignantly. “Saul is going nuts. He woke everyone with his raging and screaming, telling us there’s a despicable thief among us, but he doesn’t want to tell us what he’s lost.”
“His mind, probably,” Ami quips.
Colin scoffs. “Nothing new under the sun. Why kick up a fuss over it now?”
“I know what Saul has lost,” I say.
Silence pervades the hut for a moment.
“You do?” Colin then hisses. “What is it?”
“I stole The Book,” I reply matter-of-factly.
“You didn’t.”
“Did too.” I’m sounding as smug as Walt now.
“But... why?”
“Because there are things in it that Saul’s keeping from us. Andy said so. If we knew what was really in there, Saul could never be the leader that he is today.”
Colin breathes out in surprise. “Okay,” he mumbles. “If Andy says so...”
“What did you do with it?” Ami asks, looking at me in total awe.
“I hid it somewhere far away, in a place Saul will never find it. I couldn’t have kept it hidden close to the house.” Letting out a deep sigh, I sit down. “Have they searched this hut yet, by the way?”
“Twice,” Colin nods grimly. “Saul would’ve loved to catch me red-handed, I assure you. He can’t stand me.”
Dazed, I shake my head. “Colin, this is insane. Why are we still listening to Saul? No one particularly likes him. We can all see he’s a dishonest creep. And yet, we let him take charge.”
My brother looks conflicted. “Because he’s the strongest. And you know what The Book says – we need a strong leader. Someone who teaches us how to survive.”
“No, that’s not what The Book says. At least, that’s what Mara told me. And Andy told her.”
Ami shakes her head in denial. “If you don’t like someone’s leadership, you have to step up and become a leader yourself. But if you can’t, there’s nothing you can do about it. Well, you can file a complaint with the parents in Newexter, but who in his right mind would want that? You’d make yourself dependent on them. You’d disconnect from your own Force.”
Sometimes, I wish I could find shelter in my mother’s arms whenever times are tough. I’d never actually say that out loud – that would truly make me an Unbeliever, like Walt had called me – but I’ll never forget that warm feeling I always got as a child when my mother rushed over to comfort me when I was crying. It felt… natural.
Instinctively, I reach for the necklace I’m wearing, but the jagged edges of the cracked walnut press painfully into my palm. “It’s broken,” I mumble flatly, holding out the pendant to Colin. “Mother’s necklace.”
Colin takes the pendant from my hand and lifts the beaded necklace over my head. “Did you fall when you ran away?”
“Yes. I’m sorry.” I know Colin has always been a bit jealous of the fact that I got a gift from our mother, and now I’ve gone and broken it.
He turns the walnut around in his hands to check the damaged side and his eyes narrow. “Hey, wait a minute. There’s something inside.” Very carefully, he breaks off a piece of the shell and then picks out a very tiny piece of paper that looks like a note.
Old, yellowed paper like the paper used in The Book.
“What is that?” I whisper. Have I been carrying a secret message all these years?
Could it be that mother left it for me and Colin?
With shaking hands, Colin unfolds the note. His eyes skim the lines.
“Colin, what does it say?” I hiss when he doesn’t read it out loud. I’m so impatient I want to slap him for keeping silent.
“It was written by grandmother,” he quietly replies.
A message from the past? Grandmother’s been dead for a long time. One fateful autumn day, she drowned in the sea when she went swimming too far offshore.
My brother passes me the note. Old-fashioned handwriting stares up at me.
Dear Maya,
When you read this, I will have sent you away. According to the Newexter laws. But according to the laws of Hope Harbor, where I come from, I should have never let you go. Parents and children do not separate. You have been taught that my people are Fools, and I once agreed with them – I left them because I thought it foolish to sit out my days waiting for salvation that will never come, but they were right about one thing. A mother’s love never dies.
Know your roots. Know that there is more to life than our own, small world. When you come back to me and you are open to my love for you, we will cross the Wall together.
Faith, hope and love,
Your mother Toja.
I feel like somebody has just hit me on the back of the head with an enormous bat.
My grandmother was a Fool. And my mother never knew. She didn’t know she was supposed to open the walnut, and so she never read the message.
My eyes linger on the words that stand out to me most within the short text: a mother’s love never dies. Sudden tears pool in my eyes.
“Grandmother and mother never had the chance to talk when mother came back to Newexter,” Colin says in a muffled voice. “Grandmother drowned before mother came back from the manor.”
“She was from Hope Harbor,” I whisper. “That village in Fool’s Land.”
“How do you know?”
I remain quiet. The words are locked in my throat. For some reason, I want to keep Walt to myself. Besides, Colin might get angry with me if I tell him I handed over our most precious Book to a total stranger – an outsider. “Because Saul is keeping a man prisoner who claims he’s from Hope Harbor,” I tell him a half-truth. “I spied on Saul and Ben when they locked him up in the cellar. After that, I stole The Book and ran away in order to hide it somewhere close to the Wall.”
“Saul is keeping a Fool in his cellar?” Colin looks gobsmacked. “Why?”
“I think this man was trying to tell him things Saul didn’t want to hear. Things he doesn’t want us to hear either.”
Colin blinks for a moment, then nods curtly. “Okay. Here’s what I’ll do. I’ll go and talk to Andy first thing in the morning. He knows more about Saul and he’s one of the strongest in our group. If there is anybody who can take on Saul, it’s him.”
I nod too. “And I’ll go back to the hiding place tomorrow so I can read The Book. I have to find those pages Andy mentioned. If it turns out Saul isn’t sticking to the rules, everybody here will revolt.”
We quietly stay inside until the racket outside finally dies down. Ami crawls forward and peeks out of the door. “The coast is clear,” she whispers.
Colin and I sneak out and quickly cross the lawn, running toward our tents. We are well on our way when all of a sudden, Ben appears out of nowhere and stops us.
“Where were you?” he demands, his index finger jabbing forward and almost grazing my breast.
I stagger back. “I was with Mara,” I improvise. I can’t very well say I was with Ami, because he and Saul have checked her hut twice.
Ben’s eyes narrow. “She said she was alone in her tent.”
“Well, I was there.” I look at him fiercely. If only my glare is angry enough, he just might believe me.
“Why were you there?” Ben continues his interrogation.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” I retort. “Mara is my best friend.”
His lips quirk up in a humorless smile. “Yeah, right. And why exactly would she be…” He stops mid-sentence. His eyes look at me like he’s seeing me for the first time. “Hiding you,” he finishes in a monotone. A dim realization grows in his eyes – I don’t have a clue what he suddenly thinks he’s discovered, though.
His face contorts into a grimace. “Ah, so you’re one of those girls,” he says with disdain. “But I never thought Mara… oh well, at least that explains…”
I almost burst into laughter when I understand what Ben’s thinking. That I was hiding in Mara’s tent out of shame for being with her like that. That Mara and I are lovers. That she doesn’t want him because he’s a man and she’s not into them. Never have I encountered bigger delusions of grandeur in a person. Ben just can’t accept the fact that he is being turned down because of him.
“You think it’s funny?” he growls. Ben has an uncanny talent for spotting my almost-smiles.
“Yes, kind of,” I reply. “You don’t, then?”
I’m not even waiting for his response. Without another word, I pass him and pull Colin along. With a little luck, Ben will be so pissed at me now that he is not even wondering why I came from the opposite side of the field, not from the area where Mara has pitched her tent.
It’s not until I’ve said goodbye to Colin and stepped into my tent that a sad feeling hits me. I’m unfeminine. Maybe that’s why no one has ever taken an interest in me like that. That’s why Andy is dating Mara. Apparently, I’m an anomaly.
Do I like girls?
I don’t believe that. Once I’m lying on my mat in the dark, staring up at the canvas, I see Walt’s strangely illuminated face in front of me, and I feel his hand on mine. Even though, admittedly, I found him both annoying and interesting.
The Book is not the only reason I’m looking forward to meeting him again tomorrow.