11
IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
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he Human obsession with health and cleanliness inevitably leads to Canines being subjected to pill-popping, grooming, and the dreaded bath.
Never fear; attempts at grooming can be thwarted in a number of ways:
84. At bath-time wait until you're liberally plastered in shampoo then leap out of the tub, soaking any Human in the room. If the bathroom door is open, run riot around the house until every room looks like it's been hit by a tsunami.
85. Grab the Dog brush and dash off with it. Chewing it until it resembles a run-over hedgehog adds to the Human frustration.
86. Growl, bite and snatch your foot away when your Human tries to cut your nails.
It goes without saying that medicines should never be taken with good grace:
87. If your Human attempts to shove a tablet down your throat, hold the pill in the side of your mouth and make a big pretence of swallowing. Wait for the 'There's a good Dog', then spit the pill out. Repeat until the Human gives in and wraps the tablet in a nice piece of cheese or ham for you to enjoy.
88. Allow your Human to pour liquid medicines into the side of your mouth. As the last drops are going in turn your head sharply and dribble the lot over the Human's clothes. Alternatively, sneeze the medicine out through your nose, making sure the spray spatters the Human face.
There will without doubt be occasions when you are required to pay a visit to the Vet. A few simple games will ensure maximum Foul-up value:
89. For starters attack everything that moves in the waiting room.
Once in the consultation room:
90. Scream the place down as if you're being murdered, even before anyone lays a finger on you.
91. As a rule the Vet will invent an excuse to insert a blunt instrument into your nether regions. Such indignity is not to be accepted lightly. To thwart these attempts, wriggle like a worm on a hook or sit down firmly and refuse to get up.
…insert a blunt instrument into your nether regions.
92. As well as taking a special delight in blunt instruments Vets also seem to have a passion for sharp points. There'll be numerous instances when the Vet will deem it necessary to stick a needle into a vein or the back of your neck. On these occasions it's your sworn duty to shriek and wail, snap at the Vet, nurse or any other Human in the vicinity.
12
THE VACATIONING CANINE
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un, sea, sand… Holidays should, for preference, be spent with your Humans.
Sun, sea, sand…
Nevertheless, there may be times when your Family will choose to travel to the far-flung reaches of the Amazon or other Dog-forsaken land for a little Canine-free rest and recreation. In these circumstances you could find yourself vacationing in one of a variety of Canine lock-ups known as 'Boarding Kennels'.
This deplorable situation should not be tolerated and you must take adequate measures to secure your inclusion in the next Family holiday.
To be sure your Humans feel suitably ill-at-ease about having left you in kennels:
93. Bark constantly throughout your period of separation, thus leaving yourself with a sad little voice.
94. Sit in the back of your kennel for the duration of your stay and refuse to eat. Upon their return your Family will be horrified at your waif-like appearance. After lengthy explanations from the kennel proprietors which centre around the words 'fretting' and 'missing his Family', your Humans will take you home with the promise to be more considerate of your welfare in future.
So you've ensured you'll accompany the Family on their next vacation?
Well, not quite yet. The next step your Humans will take is to leave you at home in the care of a house-sitter. This is one of a breed of well-meaning Humans who enjoy minding other people's property, watering their plants and providing company and sustenance for the Family Dog. These enterprising folk are often elderly.
Which, of course, makes them all the more vulnerable to tried and tested Foul-ups.
Thus it becomes a simple task to:
95. Inflict all manner of damage to the Family home, leaving the house-sitter so traumatized he/she will swear never to cross your threshold again.
And now your Family will have run out of options: your inclusion in the next holiday is assured. Be ready to exercise some truly awesome Foul-ups.
Here are a couple of my favourites to get you started:
96. Jump in the deepest river, pond or lake then splash around as if you're about to go under for the third time. Soon a member of your Family (most likely Soft-touch) will dive to your rescue fully clothed. Scramble out on the farthest bank and shake nonchalantly while throwing your distraught Family a 'what's all the fuss about' look.
97. If caravanning or camping is your Family's preference, go for daily jaunts among neighbouring tents/caravans, stealing or scavenging food as you make the rounds.
13
RETAINING CONTROL IN THE TWILIGHT YEARS
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ld age: the scourge of the Canine Foul-up.
By the time you reach the sunset of your life you may begin to feel that the work involved in keeping your Humans on their toes is too great. Kindly Humans start to ignore your Foul-up efforts, even smiling at each other and muttering: 'He can't help it, he's old'. Although this Human attitude can prove wearisome it needn't lead to total loss of control over the Family.
Old age…
Practiced daily, even the more subtle Foul-ups have the capacity to stretch Human patience to its limits:
98. Snore at full volume, particularly when the Family is engaged in that most favourite of Human pastimes, telly-watching.
99. Refuse to eat anything other than best steak, fresh chicken or the most expensive tinned Dog food. Demanding a different flavour every second day will make sure you keep them running to the shops regularly.
100. Piddle in the house because you 'forgot' to ask to go outside. Make sure you use a different room each time you go. In deference to your advanced years your Humans probably won't scold you to your face but you can be sure they'll be cursing and huffing and puffing under their breath as they traipse all day from room to room with cleaning cloths and disinfectant.
101. You've exercised your right to sleep in the bedroom since day one. Make the most of your position by waking your Humans at least once every night to let you out for a pee.
(Humans are often quite slow to realise that the middle of the night is the only time you 'remember' to ask to be let out.)
So there you are, my fellow Canines: my 101 favourite day-to-day Foul-ups. Be sure to exercise them routinely and you'll guarantee life-long control of your Family.
CRAFTY'S POSTSCRIPT
Getting into the Christmas Spirit
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o catalogue of Foul-ups would be complete without a mention of that most special time of the year – Christmas.
The season of peace and goodwill… What better time could there be to implement your best Foul-ups – with bells on!
Number one on my festive hit list is to 'accidentally' run into the Christmas tree and send it crashing to the floor. This should bring the whole Family running. While they're occupied for the next three hours salvaging smashed baubles and fairy lights, nip to the kitchen…
…where you can then implement Festive Foul-up number two:
Devour the semi-defrosted turkey the day before Christmas Eve. Mum will then have to dash to the local supermarket for a replacement bird. The chances are the new bird (if the store actually had one left) won't thaw out in time for cooking at the appointed hour, thus sending the entire Family into Christmas apoplexy.
Also known as a fowl-up.
…run into the Christmas tree…
Keep the pressure on by taking a long slurp of Grandma's whiskey while she's preoccupied with the turkey fiasco. She'll think she's emptied her glass herself and will most likely head for a top-up, during which time you can brush past her and knock her unsteady legs out from under her.
NOTE: Be aware that guzzling alcohol may make you see double, causing you to bump into doors or furniture Also liable to knock the legs out from under you.
And finally, a reminder that all Dogs have a civic duty to trash the Kids' Christmas presents as soon as the brats have ripped off the wrapping paper.
Merry Christmas all.
CRAFTY'S APPENDIX
Troy's sweet revenge