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FUNTASTIC FOUL-UPS AT THE TRAINING CLASS
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hould you find yourself in the mortifying position of being carted off to Training Classes, never fear. The opportunity for a Foul-up is only a Dog lead length away:
71. Bite the Trainer, your Human or anyone else within striking distance when they have the gall to lay a hand on you.
72. As an alternative to biting, and to ensure total ridicule of your Human, behave like the Perfect Dog for the class Trainer but revert to normal behaviour when returned to your Family member.
If you've enjoyed tripping up your Human whilst on a walk, you'll adore this Training Class variation:
73. Stay in Foul-up mode until the Trainer takes your lead to exercise a little 'discipline' over you. Then dive between the Trainer's legs, thereby bringing about his/her downfall in front of the entire class. This action will induce riotous laughter in the pupils and cringe-worthy embarrassment in both the Trainer and your Human.
74. While your Human's attention is elsewhere (for example, as they chat with friends about the weather) whip the lead from their grasp then bunk off and take time out to fight, or gossip with your Canine pals. Evade all efforts at capture. When you've driven your Human to the verge of a nervous breakdown, belly crawl back to them with your ears flattened and your eyes rolling, thus convincing all present that your Family beats you on a regular basis.
…gossip with your Canine pals.
Your refusal to return when summoned will convince your Human that recall training will help them avoid such humiliation in the future. You'll be asked to sit and stay in one place for a short time before your Human calls for you.
You must now:
75. Sit still as requested and wait like the Perfect Dog. When your Human calls for your return, stay put and refuse to move.
Well, if the silly person wanted you with them why did they leave you in the first place? After much muttering of words unfit for sensitive Canine ears your Human will recall to you.
9
DOG-SHOW DISRUPTIONS
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any Families of high-born Canines run away with the idea that Dog Showing will provide them with hours of fun, and may even earn them kudos among like-minded Humans.
It's your job to prove them wrong.
Wake-up calls at the crack of dawn, withholding of breakfast, extended car trips into the Back-of-Beyond while locked in an uncomfortable crate; all are disruptions to normal life that must not to be tolerated.
By following those techniques already detailed for in-car Foul-ups, you'll ensure your Humans arrive at the show with tempers frayed and nerves shot to pieces.
Thus begins your perfect day …
Prestige Dog shows require you to be attached by a chain on an uncomfortable wooden bench for most of the day. Do not take this affront to your dignity lying down:
76. Behave like a lunatic on your bench. This can include leaping out and attacking anyone who passes too close, or wailing and barking at full volume all the while your Humans are out of sight.
Once in the show ring:
77. Lay your ears back and sag in the middle like a worn-out sofa when the judge turns his attention to you.
78. When asked to trot up and down do your best impression of a crab or scrabble and jump around as if you've never worn a collar and lead before in your life.
…sag in the middle like a worn-out sofa.
79. Growl, or cringe and back off from the judge.
Foolish Canines who've allowed themselves to be brainwashed into taking part in obedience, working trials or agility training could well end up at one of the variety of Dog shows where these activities are run as competitions.
This isn't the end of the world and you needn't be downhearted at your temporary loss of Canine-ness: implementing the afore-mentioned Training Class Foul-ups at such events should be enough to set you back on the right path.
For extra insurance at the Agility Show:
80. Knock the top bar off hurdles, run round instead of through the tunnel, miss the contact points on the Dog walk and see-saw.
10
THOSE X-RATED MOMENTS
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Canine's gotta do what a Canine's gotta do…
81. Hump everything from seat cushions, to the cat, to Auntie Edna's leg.
CAUTION: Excessive humping may earn you a trip to the Vet for removal of certain important parts of the male anatomy. Humans often accompany this trip with exclamations of: "It'll calm him down."
In their dreams! Thousands of Dogs continue to indulge in life's excesses minus these parts and after the initial soreness passes, humping behaviour can be resumed as normal.
82. Fellas: live it up with all the girl Dogs in the neighbourhood. Pay special attention to the neighbour's pedigree female.
Pay special attention to the neighbour's
pedigree female.
83. Girls: persistently refuse the attentions of the Family's carefully selected stud Dog. Then sneak out under cover of darkness and make whoopee with the elderly mongrel two doors down.