MISTAKE #5: MISTAKING DOG DOMINANCE GAMES FOR AFFECTION
When we lose dominance games with our dogs, we actually make losers of ourselves with our dogs! The next Mistake is where we misunderstand dominance games for real affection.
This is not an area that we humans often get wise to. If we don’t learn what the dominance games actually are, and then if we don’t start winning those games with our dogs, we will have a very unhappy situation on our hands with a lot of confusion and misunderstandings between us.
One of the most important things that every dog wants to know is who’s the Leader and who’s the follower. That helps them know what their job is or what role they are to play in the group. They determine that by playing dominance games, and when we humans are out of the loop and we don’t even know what that means, then we’re really at a disadvantage. And by the way, different breeds often have different dominance games!
Dogs play these games all the time and we can really get into some serious problems with them when we don’t win because that means we’re lower on the totem pole than they are. That tells them right up front that they don’t have to listen to us and, worse, they won’t respect us because we are below them in the social order of the pack.
What I think happens is this: We wind up so desperate to be loved by our dogs that we don’t take the time to create a solid foundation of trust and respect first. We let our dogs walk all over us. We let them take liberties with our possessions and our person, and sometimes we even reward their behavior by being affectionate with them, which of course tells them that they’re doing the right thing and to keep it up.
Then we wonder why they won’t listen to us when we need them to. When we call them to us, they don’t come or they ignore us until they are good and ready or we have a treat in our hand! When we need to dose them with medication they bite us or are difficult. And there we are thinking, “I’m trying to help you.” And they’re thinking back, ”No I don’t think so. You don’t have the right to do that with me.” Even when their life is in danger, we wind up helpless to protect them.
For instance, if we haven’t taught our dog a consistent “come” or “no” or “sit” or “quiet”… if we don’t teach those signals so we get a 100% response, then when their life depends on listening to us and obeying our instructions, they’re going to get in trouble. When they run out into the street and get hit by a car or they get frightened and run off or they are having such a good time they race away from us in the park… If we’re lucky, the worst consequence will be that we get annoyed or frustrated. In the crunch, we realize we are not in control, and we wonder what happened. It’s really because we haven’t been in control all along.
That’s why this is so important. We can literally save their life by asserting ourselves wisely as their Leaders or we can endanger them simply because we haven’t put in the time training them properly to listen and respect.
Every time you are with your dog, you are teaching it something. Remember that respect comes before love and without proper respect there actually is no real foundation for love.
So let me ask a few questions. Do your dogs do any of these things?
1. Sit on your foot or your body without invitation?
2. Do they step on you?
3. Do they invade your space?
4. Do they run over or into you or wind up standing over you or laying on you?
5. Do they take your food and eat it before you do?
6. Do they claim the best spot on the furniture?
7. Do they guard the door so that you can’t come in or out easily?
8. Do they walk in front of you or go out the door in front of you?
9. Do they trip you when you try to walk?
10. Do they demand that you do things when they want it done?
11. When you’re on a walk with your dog, are they dragging you around or are you actually walking together, going where you want to go?
12. Do they push between you and your spouse or significant other in bed? Or growl at your partner or children when they come towards you?
13. Do they growl at you or your family or bite you?
14. Do they disregard your direction or your request?
15. Do they not want you to touch them in a certain area or in a certain way, like on the top of their head or around their tail?
16. Do they leap on you in exuberant greetings or whenever they want something?
If you recognize your dog doing any of these things, guess what? Who’s leading who here? Who’s really in control?
All too often I’ve had dogs tell me that they think their human is very kind, and they’re affectionate towards their own human family or person. But they also tell me they think their person is a little dense. Not too bright. They think humans are to be pitied and looked after, but dogs don’t really respect us and without that respect, they don’t really love us. They actually feel sorry for us. Or they’ll tell me that they own and control their human, and they don’t understand why their person keeps challenging them so they keep having to put their person back in their proper pack place. I’ll just ask you to think about this a minute.
What is your current status in your family pack? And is that where you really want to be? If you’re not the Leader, then you need to decide if you want your dog to really love and appreciate you and all you do for it.
You need to believe you are worthy of commanding their respect and winning their trust in your Leadership. And if you’re willing to do that, then I invite you to start acting like a Leader. Become a calm, assertive, confident Leader. Be aware of what your dog is really doing and take charge. Educate yourself – what does your dog’s breed consider dominance games? Be sure that you win those games from your dog’s viewpoint. If you do, I promise you that your esteem will go up dramatically in your dog’s eyes (and even in your own eyes!). Their affection for you will improve by the day, and they’re going to want to be with you in a healthy, balanced way because they really like that kind of stable energy.
Think about it. Doesn’t it feel really good to be led by a clear, strong, calm, assertive, confident Leader? Then your relationship won’t be “pity-based”; it will be a real, solid relationship built on true affection and based on the principles of trust and respect.
Someone argued with me on this one. They said they really got a kick out of it when their dog came up on the bed and walked all over them. They enjoyed that behavior from them and couldn’t believe I was suggesting that such behavior was their dog showing dominance over them!
I told them that it’s only okay for dogs to share our space or to sit on our lap (or any of that stuff) if we invited it in the first place. It is NOT okay for a dog to pile on top of us without our permission. The point is, if your dog is taking liberties with your person or property without your express invitation, from your dog’s viewpoint, they’re in charge.
What about aggression in dogs? It depends on what type of aggression they are demonstrating. Is it fear-based aggression or dominance-based aggression? This is too big a topic to fully address here so I will refer you to an excellent resource. Dr. Nicholas Dodman wrote a best selling book called The Dog Who Loved Too Much. He discusses all the different types of aggression and the many ways to deal with each one.
The only thing I want to say here is that this: if your normally even tempered dog suddenly starts acting aggressively or lashes out in a bizarre manner, take him or her to your vet for a checkup. Seizures or brain tumors can be at the root of these kinds of behavior changes.