No one knows of my safe zone
It‟s a place where I go
To be on my own
Under the stairs I sit with my light Shining on down
To make the dark bright
It is my haven
I feel safe in here
To forget all my troubles
And release me from fear.
77
Runaway Kids
I remember running away from my mum‟s house with my mate, who lived next door, we saved our pocket money, which I got off my dad and both went to the Isle of Man, his mum and dad were good parents, he just came with me because I didn‟t want to go on my own.
We got up at 7.00am, I made jam butties the night before and put them in a Sunblest bag to keep them fresh for the next day. My friend brought some as well and crisps. We were both excited about going on the Isle of Man ferry, we bunked on the ferry watching the Liver birds building getting smaller and smaller, till it 78
vanished, we were in the middle of the Irish Sea. It was like a scene out of Titanic, it took about 4 hours to get there, and I vomited because I get sea sick, but we had lots of fun running up and down the ferry, watching the sea.
We had to hide at times because we didn‟t have a ticket to be on the Isle of Man ferry. It was a lovely time out, away from all the troubles I had in my home town of Liverpool.
It will be a day that will say in my mind forever and ever. Out on the sea was really exciting, you can‟t buy that feeling and I wouldn‟t sell it, not for anything. There are just some thoughts and memory‟s that you can‟t let go and memory‟s are with you for life.
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We finally got to the Isle of Man Douglas, we had a great time, we spent our money on fish and chips, I‟m ashamed to admit but I stole 3
cans of coke and a handful of mixed sweets because at the end of the day we had run out of money.
We walked for miles and came near to woods, we began to enter, and it was lovely scenery.
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We spoke about what we were going to do and sat chatting and plotting what we could do next.
The night was drawing in and the sun that was shining through the trees was getting lesser and lesser, we got scared but decided to find what we thought was a safe spot and just sat there and talked and talked. I was freezing but happy, my mate told me some jokes and I told him some, it was a great adventure.
Me and my mate spoke about my mum and dad arguing all the time. I told him everything, that‟s what mates do. I told him about my mum‟s boyfriend and how he treated me; my mate was shocked he said “He‟s not your dad, who is he to tell you what to do,” I said “Maybe one day he might leave,” but he didn‟t. I told him about me and my sister having a gun pointed at us and how scared we both were. I didn‟t tell him I was crying but said it wasn‟t a nice thing to happen.
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He said we must have been very brave, how wrong he was, but I never told him. I told him I thought we were going to get shot, I mean if anyone points a gun at you, they either want to shoot you or scare you. I don‟t know what would have happened if my mum didn‟t put the key in the front door. My mate couldn‟t believe it, I told him I told my mum but she just didn‟t believe us, she took the boyfriend‟s side.
My mate put his arm around me and said “Well Kev you‟re away from that now,” I said “I know and I‟m glad” my mate then said “If he ever does anything to you again he would tell his dad” I said “My dad knows and he has sorted it.” My dad is a lot older I told my mate than my mum‟s boyfriend, he was furious when he found out what happened and bided his time but then threatened him when he saw him.
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We had a boss night that night, I was free even if it was just for one night, no arguing, shouting, or getting told off and I felt better offloading to my mate, he was on my side and knew it was wrong what had happened.
We realised that we hadn‟t planned our journey very well but prayed for morning to come. It was cold and getting even darker and I suddenly remembered that I found a cigarette lighter earlier in the day and we collected some wood and made a fire, which lit up our faces, and made us feel a bit warmer.
Morning came, there was mist on the ground, and it was now cold as the fire had gone out so we started to walk again. We just walked and walked, we didn‟t have a plan. We walked towards the seafront, the waves were crashing against the rocks, and it was breathtaking. We walked along the seafront, and sat down for a 83
while watching the sea, It was lovely, the sounds of the waves and the air was fresh. It was like being in another country on holiday, something I had never experienced. We were both starving but we didn‟t have any money, nothing at all and it was then that we both decided that we would try and find a police station or police officer because we had nothing left.
We got to the police station and explained everything; a police officer escorted us to the ferry terminal where we got the next ferry to take us to Liverpool.
As we were approaching the Pier Head in Liverpool, the Liver Birds were getting closer, we could see a police car and 2 police officers and they escorted us off the ferry and took us home.
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My mate had a worried look on his face, I wasn‟t that bothered as I enjoyed that night, I needed it, it was kind of therapy for me. The police officer warned me never to run away again, telling me that I was too young and if I wanted to go somewhere I should go with my mum and dad, if only the police officer knew.
The police officer left our house, and my mum never reacted, it was just like a normal day to her, but when the police officer was there she acted concerned.
I could hear my mate‟s mum shouting, telling him off for what he had done. I walked into the kitchen and my mum just looked at me and said
“Why didn‟t you stay,” she wasn‟t upset, I knew that she looked concerned when the police officers were there but knew it was for effect to let them think that she cared. The next day I saw my mate but only for five minutes as my mate‟s 85
mum was upset with me for allowing her son to go with me. I‟m sorry; I should not have done it.
He told me that he got battered and he was now grounded.
Anything could have happened to me, I mean I could have been beaten up, kidnapped or in an accident or something, my mum just didn‟t care.
I don‟t know to this day whether or not my friend told his mum or dad about what I had told him about my mum‟s boyfriend, but I think that if he did she would have done something about it, to help us. Maybe it was awkward for her or she didn‟t want to impose and get involved.
86
The Leaving of Liverpool
The months went by and me and my sisters waited for Sundays to come every week so we could spend time at my dad‟s, this was the only time we felt loved and at ease. I used to cry when I had to go back home to the witch my so called mother. My dad knew how we all felt but he told us to stay strong and consoled us. We would calm down and the time went really quick and would have to return home.
I got up one day and my mum was nice to me and my sister, we were getting ready for school and my mum was acting strange, she made sure we were clean, neatly dressed, pre washed our 87
uniform and told us to have a nice day, and it was strange! We both thought about this and were talking about it on our way to school, we thought maybe she had changed and we felt a little happier going to school, but in my lessons as the day went on I couldn‟t concentrate and couldn‟t wait for the bell to go off to get home.
We finished school, and walked home. As we approached our house we noticed a car outside, the front door opened, there was a man and a woman and a police officer in our front living room and the first thing my mum said to them was “I can‟t cope with them,” my mum was pointing at me and sister, my younger sister Maureen must have been upstairs or still out at school. The boyfriend stood right next to my mum with his arm around her shoulder, consoling her, he had a slight grin on his face, I wanted to lash out, but knew that I couldn‟t he 88
was too big, like a giant, since the day he come into my mum‟s life our world has been upside down.
The police officer spoke to us and said we were going on a long drive to a lovely big house, but then said the “Care” word, we were both in total shock, and we didn‟t know what to do.
The two other people were from Social Services and me and my sister kicked and screamed till they put us in the car, I was swearing, crying and banging on the car windows to get out but I couldn‟t I was too weak with the shock I wanted my dad, he didn‟t know nothing about this. The Social Workers told us we were going to a place called “Harris Children‟s Home,” in Preston, and they would look after us, I didn‟t stop crying all the way to Preston. Tears were rolling down both me and my sisters faces. My world had fallen apart, I was panicking, sweating; I 89
could feel my heart beat racing in my ears! It was all too much to take in “What the fuck was going through my mother‟s mind?” I cried and cried, then stopped crying to catch my breath, then started again, the journey to Preston seemed to take forever. I would pause from crying, wipe the steam from the car window and look at the lights and trees and the scenery around me. I wasn‟t upset because of my mum; I just wanted to go home to my dad. I thought I would never see him again, and that made me worse. I started kicking the front seats, swearing
“Let me out,” kicking harder and harder, “You fucking bastards let me out!”
The car was swaying from side to side; the Social Workers in the front were very calm saying “Stop that Kevin, your getting yourself in a state, just stop.” I just stared at the both of them and realised I was getting nowhere. I sat 90
back in my seat, it felt like it was in slow motion; I wiped my eyes and didn‟t say a word for the rest of the journey. I began to calm down, but there were all thoughts still in my head. I just looked at my sister while sitting in the back of the car and smiled at her, a sad smile. She just looked back and did the same, wiping the tears from her eyes and from her cheeks. We both sat there biting our nails, this was to occupy our minds.
I was terrified – I was thinking about a lot of things. I had a horrible day in school today and was thinking why my mum had been nice to me this morning, now I know why. I will never ever forgive her for this.
Thoughts running through my head, I was bullied all through school because of my scar, as I got older I started to get more conscious of the scar and would get skitted really badly, I 91
was like a freak show, once one person saw it in the school, everyone wanted to see it. They would skit me saying “Have you seen his scar it‟s horrible”, I would have to show them it so they would not bully me.
There was no such thing as anti-bullying back in them days. The kids would call me “Hole in the head.” It made me an outcast. I felt so sad so I let my hair grow long, but then I would get called “Sissy” with long hair, I couldn‟t win. It doesn‟t bother me now you learn to live with it.
I started to think about this, trying to find out ways in which I could survive going to a place where I don‟t know anyone apart from my sister. Things were about to change, I decided
“I‟m not going to get bullied, where I am going, I‟m from Liverpool, I have had a crap upbringing so I‟m not going to take no shit off anyone from the children‟s home. I wouldn‟t 92
hurt anyone; it‟s not in my nature. Besides I was bullied and it was not a nice feeling but I will not be walked all over and will stand up for myself and stay strong
93
The Harris Orphanage
On the first day it was very daunting we didn‟t know a soul and me and my sister were terrified living on the edge of our nerves. I couldn‟t deal with it, it was all too much and didn‟t know what to do but to try and run away. I just began running and running as fast as I could out of the front door of Ash lea House in the Harris Orphanage.
When
we
heard
the
word
Orphanage this was for children without mums and dads but we had them already.
I felt that I couldn‟t cope, me and my sister were really worried and felt very nervous we just wanted our dad and our sisters, why couldn‟t we 94
live with our dad, life seemed so unfair. We were miles away from home, I missed being in Liverpool.
We didn‟t know what to think. I kept running, the grounds were huge acres and acres of land I passed several trees, and ran through bushes and hedges, I didn‟t know where I was going but I didn‟t want to go back there, that is all I was thinking about. I came towards a big wall, the biggest wall I have ever seen in my life, it must have been about 7ft tall and it was right around the Orphanage. I was only small, I was crying with fear.
I heard someone running after me and shouting for me to come back, the voice got louder and louder so I knew he was getting nearer and nearer, I had no option and don‟t know how I did it to this day but I scaled the wall and managed to get over it, however the man 95
running after me also scaled the wall and by this time my feet began to slow down as did my legs, I was exhausted by this time and my legs gave in. The man running after me caught up to me and jumped on me in a way not to hurt me but to stop me in my tracks, to which he was successful. I couldn‟t believe that he had caught me. I was furious, screaming and shouting, crying uncontrollably, I was shouting “Let me go, let me go.” The man was mighty tall and broad with it, as he lay down next to me holding my arms, I didn‟t stand a chance. He didn‟t say anything at this point; he just let me spit it all out to get it out of my system. In time I calmed down and the man picked me up and took tight hold of my arm to make sure I didn‟t run off again. We walked back to the Orphanage the long way around and on the way the man spoke with me in a calm manner, explaining that he 96
was a police officer and that he lived there with his wife and children and they were there to help me.
Unbelievably I was happy I was away from my mum and the so called lodger, but still upset.
We were put in the same house, the people who looked after us were nice to us, the man was a police officer, and he was very tall, well spoken and well dressed. His wife was so lovely, she was so kind, she had a good heart, you could tell, she had that look about her very friendly; she would do anything to help you. The man and woman had 2 children a boy and a girl, the both children were okay with us, and they were younger than us.
The house was like a mansion. It was situated in grounds of an orphanage and there were about 8
houses, a church, a stable with a donkey, a school and there was also a sweet shop for 97
children in the orphanage and a clothes shop was we would get free clothes.
If we were good we got a voucher for sweets every week as a reward.
We did see plenty of other children there they were all in the same situation as us and I didn‟t really have any problems with them. I made friends with some as did my sister.
We had a set time to be in for at night to which we had to stick to or we would lose our rewards.
We had set bed times which we had to stick to also; we just hung around in the grounds of the home.
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