Scary place to be
I wanted my sister and dad
To hold and see
Years in care
Why were we there
I was only a child
We were good not wild
Staying in care
A long long stay
I longed for Liverpool
Every single day
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A photo of me in Cuthbert Mayne
School
In Preston
This is the only school photo
I have.
None from when I was a little boy.
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Cuthbert Mayne was the name of the school; it was about 30 minutes walk. I remember on the way there and back, there was a stream and we had to walk up 19 steps by the stream to get to our school. It was a posh area with lots of trees, streams and nice scenery, far from what we had come from. But I still missed Huyton where I grow up.
As time passed it got a bit easier living there, but still me and my sister wanted to be back in Liverpool with my dad.
When I was feeling very low I would close my eyes and try and remember things, my dad, his smell, I missed him so much, my sisters and the general sounds of home, the sounds of the drunks coming home after last orders at the pub at the end of our road, the traffic on the main road zooming past, the wind whistling. I even prayed to God that things would improve and 101
we would soon be home. All different thoughts entered my head, you have doubt with everything, I felt totally neglected and that Liverpool would fade to a distant memory, I wanted to run away but I was scared of what would happen if we got caught, but that was our only way out we just needed the right time, maybe on our way to school. We just had to wait for the right time to run for it.
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The Escape Route
When me and my sister were on our own we would talk about what we could do. We planned to run away, we felt abandoned, we hadn‟t heard from any one of our family at that time and it was a terrible feeling. We just yearned to be near our family again and to live back in Liverpool.
We planned our escape from The Harris Children‟s Home. It was like the great escape film. We hid crisps, sweets, chocolate to eat on 103
our long journey back to Liverpool. We planned to do this on our way to school, that was the only time we were alone. We were getting desperate and thought we had planned for long enough now and we said we would try it the next day. I went to bed and was worried and anxious but also excited at the same time.
The morning came, I didn‟t sleep all night, was trying to act normal when I went downstairs for breakfast. I got ready for school and met my sister in the hallway to walk to school. We began our usual route to school. As we got to the stream I and my sister made a run for it. We didn‟t know where we were heading but we just carried on going faster and faster as far as our legs could take it. We slowed down as we were running out of breath and got to Preston Town centre, we had done about 4 miles. Our hearts pounding and pulses racing, we looked around 104
to see if we could see any police officers or someone from the home was following us but nobody was there. It must have been about 10.00am in the morning, and a lollipop lady asked us why we were not in school? We made an excuse said we were off, not realising that we had our school uniforms on. We couldn‟t get our breath; we were huffing and puffing but panicking at the same time.
Me and my sister tried to explain further but it was clear to both my sister and me and the lollipop lady that we were telling lies, we couldn‟t convince her. We both burst into tears, we told the lady we were running away from children‟s home.
The lollipop lady had a motherly look about her, you could see the concern in her eyes and we must have looked really desperate. She comforted us and took us into a nearby shop; 105
she asked to us try and calm down and she bought us a drink and some sweets. She talked with us for a while and said it would be best to go back because it was a long way to walk to Liverpool, and things will work out for the best one day.
The lady telephoned her husband to arrange for him to pick us up to take us back to the home.
The lady explained that her husband was a police officer, (just our luck), and will come and take us back to the home shortly. Soon after the police officer came and put us in his car and he was talking on the way there but we weren‟t listening to him, we were sad that we didn‟t make it to Liverpool but we were terrified about what was going to happen to us when we arrive back at the Children‟s home.
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On return to the home we had to go straight to the Governor‟s office and me and my sister were looking at each other and didn‟t know what to do, it was difficult.
We got a good telling off. We were warned never to do it again and if we did we would get all our privileges stopped, no sweets and lots of chores.
From there we were escorted by the Governor to the house we lived in, in the grounds of the children‟s home. We got punished by having to go to our rooms and to stay there all night until the next day. I didn‟t sleep a wink that night I just wanted my dad, I lay there with my eyes shut thinking of my dad and our Sunday afternoons together. I felt very down at this point, it was the longest night ever. My eyes were stinging with all the tears, I was utterly exhausted but couldn‟t sleep I was really 107
worried about tomorrow and what was going to happen to me.
I didn‟t think the morning would ever come, I could hear the singing of the birds and dawn had come, I sat up in my bed and peeped through the curtains to see the beautiful morning, the sun was shining which made me feel that little bit better. I waited to be shouted down for my breakfast and didn‟t know whether I would be asked or not. Eventually they shouted me down and the atmosphere was really bad that morning, almost deadly. I took a bite out of a piece of toast and as I was crunching it, it felt like I had glass in my mouth, I couldn‟t eat anymore, I had a glass of orange juice and off I went to school as normal. I just couldn‟t wait to get out of the house. The staff members were nice to me but you could tell that they were cross about what had happened. I saw my sister when I was 108
leaving for school and she came with me but this time with a member of staff to supervise us.
Me and my sister never talked we just walked to school. I was worried so I know that my sister would be too.
When we arrived at school there we had to go straight to the Head Masters office, we sat outside the office waiting to go in and thinking about being punished again, we sat and waited and both of us were biting our nails, we were very nervous.
We then got called in together. The Head Master had a pair of glasses on and the reflection of the sun was shining on them, he was peering at me with his eyes over his glasses, he had a very stern look on his face. He was waiting for a reaction from me and my sister, we didn‟t give him one, and we were too frightened. He began to tell me of my 109
punishment. I was not allowed to go out at play time, I had to write 200 lines and I got detention.
It was really hard, I was writing the lines after school all week, I was really tired, but it did make me think and I settled a bit more but only because I had to. My sister got the same punishment as me but we had to be kept apart for a while.
Weeks went by and then months but I still longed for my dad even more so now. I wanted to end it all but never told anyone, not even my sister.
That would have been the easy way out, I am stronger than that. I had reached my lowest point and was so down that I can‟t remember a time I had the interest in living.
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“There were times when I thought of ending my life, I thought about that a lot, but kept my thoughts to myself”
I just wanted to be home with my dad and older sisters in Liverpool. I was allowed to buy stamps and write letters to my dad but I kept racking my brains trying to remember where he lived, I lost his address. We both couldn‟t remember. We remembered our other sisters address so we both wrote to her.
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A letter we sent to one of our older sisters.
Please, Please help us, we want to come home, we don’t like it here, we miss being in Liverpool, why are we here, we will be good if we come home we promise, let us come and live with you.
Where does my dad live we want to write to him please we are desperate, we beg you.
I never felt the urge to write to my mum it was very clear that she didn‟t love me or my sister in care. I couldn‟t believe she had done this to us and I still don‟t believe it to this day. I thought it was bad that we were fostered out so many times but this topped it all. We lived in children‟s homes also, she did not want us and we felt totally neglected.
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The Planned Escape
I decided to escape again, this time on my own without my sister as it would be, I thought easier. I stocked up on supplies, crisps, drinks, anything I could get my hands on and stored them in my room. I did not tell anyone about my escape, not even my sister.
This time instead of walking through the streets, I headed for the M62 motorway, walking alongside the grass verge, I stopped a few times for something to eat and drink, I was shattered. I walked where nobody could see me, even 113
though it was along the grass verge it was behind bushes. I was cautious this time.
At one point I had to sit down as my legs were killing me and felt I couldn‟t walk no more but I thought if I have a quick sit down I would get more energy in a couple of minutes. I sat there on the grass verge of the motorway and then lay down watching the cars and trucks go by, it was nice just to sit down, I calmed down as I was absolutely knackered with all the walking I had done, I just rested. I ended up drifting off to sleep and I remember dreaming of my dad, living with him, he was smiling at me, holding my hand. I really thought that we were living with my dad, the dream felt so real. I could feel my dads hand in my palm, and mine in his, I felt so safe and secure.
It was a lovely day in my dream; we were walking on the beach hand in hand, the lovely 114
breeze from the sea and the waves splashing against the golden sand.
The sun shining down on us both no worries no screaming or shouting just me and my dad enjoying father and son time together.
It was a lovely dream, but sadly my dream came to an end. I woke up by the rain drops splashing down on my face and I was soaked to the skin, it was raining very heavy, I was shivering with the cold, I was like a drowned rat, I started walking again, I didn‟t know what time it was, but it was getting a bit dark, probably because of the rainy weather. My feet were killing me, my shoes were wet through, which was slowing down my pace it was real effort to walk. I was hungry, confused, didn‟t know where I was, what town or city I was entering. Was I going to be safe? I hoped I was.
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I could see flashing lights getting brighter and brighter, it was a motorway police car and it pulled up aside me, I walked faster and faster but when the police officer got by me he asked me what I was doing, I tried to run up the grassy embankment but because of the rain I just slid back down, I was covered in mud. The police officer took hold of me and lifted me over the motorway barrier and put me into the police car.
I was too exhausted to run away and knew that I didn‟t stand a chance with this officer.
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“I was caught once again”
He put the heater on for me and asked me where I was heading, I said to Liverpool to live with my dad, I was crying at this point because I knew I was going back to the home.
The police man tried to comfort me and he told me that he was in care when he was younger, I 117
felt like he understood and the best thing to do was to go back and not to worry but I worried, knowing what was going to happen.
I arrived back to the Children‟s Home and again sent to the Governor‟s office and yes again I got a telling off but this time the Governor was really strict and I got punished. I wasn‟t allowed any sweets and he gave me additional chores to do, as you know I already washed dishes, etc, but this time I had to clean shoes, hoover bedrooms, stairs and clean windows, etc.
I had no option but to keep my head down and just get on with it. I was up every morning anyway at 5.30am, but I had to get up earlier to get through some of my chores before going to school.
On return from school I would continue with the chores. I got through it, but believe me it was 118
hard. I realised that running away was going to get me nowhere and I was just punishing myself, I knew I wasn‟t going to get away with it, but I was a child in an adult world, the only thing that kept me going and not running away, escaping again was one day I was going to be home in Liverpool with my dad.
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We Couldn‟t Believe Our Eyes
It was the weekend and the sun was shining bright, it made me feel happy. I was playing with the children from the home; I and the lads were just kicking a football around on the field in the grounds of the home. I couldn‟t believe my eyes as I could see one of my older sisters and I shouted my sister who was in the home with me who was with her mates, she came running over to me and we both ran to our older sister. She was pregnant at the time, we didn‟t know she was visiting and we couldn‟t believe our eyes when she turned up, we wrapped our 120
arms around her and when we lifted our heads my dad was standing in the distance, my lips moved into a trembling smile, it had been so long since I saw my dad and other sister.
I hardly recognised them, it was so upsetting for me and my sister, we couldn‟t get over this, we were so pleased, my dad just stood there and as we ran to him, he opened his arms as wide as he could and grabbed tightly hold of us, the feeling was immense, the best feeling in the world, we thought we were going home, all of us were crying it was so unbelievable it is too hard to describe. I was so overwhelmed with the hugs and the kisses.
We all sat outside on the bench the sun was shining strong, and my dad and older sister asked about how things were at the home, we didn‟t want to talk about the home we wanted to know about Liverpool and our other sisters. My 121
dad said he was very worried about us but explained why he hadn‟t been to see us as he was unable to due to me and my sister being made a ward of court, we didn‟t know at the time what he was talking about.
We sat and had drinks and sweets which my dad had brought us. My sister was asking how we were being treated and she had a very worried look on her face. I and my sister described what it was like, the chores we had, school, etc. The conversation had to come to an end and it seemed my dad was only there for a short period of time and I asked my dad should we go and get our clothes, etc, my dad and my older sister explained that we were unable to go home, they said they had to leave and to try and understand why at this point in time we couldn‟t go home.
My older sister gave us a hug and said everything will be okay and then my dad gave 122
us a big hug and a big kiss and said not to worry. They began to walk away, we started to cry and we both followed them, saying “You can‟t leave us here, we want to come with you, back home, don‟t you love us, don‟t you want us, we love you dad, please don‟t go please?”
My dad hesitated and turned around and said to stop worrying, because there was absolutely not a thing he could do about it, we just had to wait.
My dad looked upset when he was saying this and he turned around and started to walk again, but looked back as they got further said “I love the both of you and I will get you out as soon as I can, I promise.”
It was so nice to see my dad and my sister but it built our hopes up so much as we thought we were going home. I felt unwanted again but I still had a glimmer of hope left in me that shone little day by day.
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I wished every day I was there at home living with my dad and my sisters in my home town of Liverpool. The days seemed very long but we got through it, somehow, but there were days when I just didn‟t want to get out of bed, I think seeing my dad and my sister was great but also quite damaging to have a feeling of love glowing inside like an eternal flame for the flame to go out from the tears that I cried.
I couldn‟t carry on playing football and went inside to my room; I cried uncontrollably and needed space to find myself to be in my own bubble that cannot be burst only by me. I gathered my thoughts, the only way I could describe my life as a child was like a pebble rolling in on the beach and going out again in the rough waves of the sea, back and forward in and out just like me in the care system.
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The carers, my step mum and dad (as we had to call them) came up to my room to see if I was okay. They were really concerned and made me feel a bit better after the talk and told me to keep my chin up and that things will work out for the best and that if I needed anything to come and see them. I will never forget that day they said that, they really cared for me, I felt wanted. All the children they looked after loved them like real parents.
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Settling In
I never really gave the home a chance, or me a chance, all I kept on thinking about was running away. I kept letting myself down, keeping myself to myself and staying on my own as much as I could, I could see now that this wasn‟t helping me. I needed support and an outlet for me to forget about things that were taking a hold of me. My sister seemed to be settling in more than me, she had a lot of friends who were children at the home. I thought maybe I should give it a go and get to know people a bit more. So I did and started going out after 126
school with friends from the home and mingling.
In the home we had to call the people who were looking after us mum and dad and the other people in the other houses, we had to call them auntie and uncle. It was a bit confusing for me and my sister but we just got on with it.
The people who ran the Harris Children‟s Home we had to address as Governor and Matron.
We went on holidays, trips out to a place called
“Silverdale” and we all got our picture taken at
“The Pepper Pot” It was an old brick round building which looked like a pepper pot. I have never seen nothing like that in my life, it was really old but interesting. We were all very excited of this strange looking building which was shaped like a “pepper pot” there where stories of angels .
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It was a lovely place to be, peaceful and lovely scenery which some of us had never seen before. I will go back again one day.
In Silverdale we stayed in dormitories with long corridors with beds in. It was a good experience and I and my sister thoroughly enjoyed our time there, it was good to forget.
I remember coming home from Silverdale on the coach and the driver got lost, we were all happy because we went to bed a lot later than usual, normal time being 7.00pm. They were good memories.
One day I got called to the Governor‟s office with my sister, and my mother was there, she was with her boyfriend. We both couldn‟t believe it, I was really mad and upset with anger because she had brought the lodger with her, me 128
and sister were only in the home because of him, because he wanted my mum all to herself, all them horrible negative feelings started to rush back. I just wanted them to go I couldn‟t speak to my mum she must have known the reaction she was going to get. My sister felt the same she was angry too and didn‟t have much time for my mum either. They stayed for only about one hour. My mum hardly spoke to us, I think at this point she was somewhat embarrassed or perhaps felt guilty. The boyfriend was just like a spare part, and he shouldn‟t have come with her. I don‟t know to this day what my mum‟s logic was for bringing him with her, or even coming to the home herself to see us.
When they left we went to see the Governor and Matron and told them that we do not want my mother to come and visit us ever again I was 129
angry, she never did. She visited me and sister only once in the years we were there, I was glad in a way. Me and my sister were made a ward of court, I mentioned this earlier; this means we were owned by the Local Authority and not by our parents.
Eventually I and my sister were split up; the Governor said it would be for our own good. It was upsetting for me, we both went into different houses and I got really upset, I felt down and alone, I and sister were very close and for her not to be there made me feel unsafe.
I got moved to another house it was horrible.
The house wasn‟t homely at all, it was quite scruffy. The woman who runs the house had four dogs and she cared more about the dogs than the children living in the home.
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The house smelt of faeces and urine from the dogs. The woman wasn‟t kind at all, she lived on her own, and she wasn‟t married. There were carers at the house also to look after the children. They were not as nice as the other carers in the other house that I was in. They looked us up and down and made us feel like we were something at the bottom of their shoes. I felt like a prisoner and not a child in care. We were given a lot of chores to do, from washing dishes, mopping, peeling potatoes for about 12
people and I had to peel them in the freezing cold outhouse, which was at the side of the house. My fingers were blue, the whole of my body was stiff with cold and I could not go back into the house until all the potatoes were peeled.
I would come into the heat in the house after peeling the potatoes I would stand in front of the fire to warm them I would rub my hands 131
together and I could feel the sting of the cold.
My hands used to have sores on them with all the peeling, it was hard work.
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“Winter time was lovely”
It was winter and snow was falling. Beautiful scenery and I just absolutely love the snow. I can remember a boy who was at the same house with me, he did something wrong, I can‟t remember what, but he was told to stand by a wall with no shoes or socks on, the snow was to his ankles and we were all told to throw snow 133
balls at him, he was crying, I was the last one to throw a snow ball and I missed on purpose, I was told to throw another one and I did, but whoever you are, remember I didn‟t want to do it and “I‟m Sorry.” I was made to.
I went to bed angry, frustrated, thinking that night what had happened I should have told the Governor or the Matron but was too scared to wondering what would happen. It would not have bothered me getting told off for snitching or getting punished but I thought they would keep me there longer. Looking back I should have „blew the whistle‟ it should not have happened.
One particular member of staff, who was male in