Chapter One
Do You Really Need to Use a Measuring Cup?
I am my own special creation . . . I don’t want praise, I don’t want pity . . . I bang my own drum, some think it’s noise, I think it’s pretty . . . Why not try to see things from a different angle . . . What I am needs no excuses . . . Your life is a sham until you can stand up and shout, “I am what I am!” — La Cage aux Follies
have always felt that we are in direct communication with the author when we curl up with their book, or these days, when we connect with them through CD or PC. It is my hope that in sharing with you some of my feelings and thoughts on the subject of romance, I establish such rapport with you. May these ponderings make it easier for you to find answers to your own quest for romance, and also let you know that you are not alone.
It will be enjoyable to mentally sit together like two old friends and chat about our relationships. In my family we used the kitchen table as a place for brainstorming, sharing aspirations and enjoying meals created by our Southern mother. Whether the times were affluent or strained, Mom could always take a hodge-podge of ingredients and magically whip up a savory stew. The pungent aroma of that simmering pot would literally fill the house. It seemed natural that Mom’s stews would become our symbol of sharing, and mealtime and the kitchen table as our safety zone for venting as well as expressing new ideas.
Even during those “down times” – the negativity and enabling behaviors that inevitably accompany alcoholism – we still managed to keep our balance. Then in later years during their recovery process, Mom continued this family tradition of the kitchen “round table” and we had a chance to partake in another type of growth experience. Just as in the myth of Camelot, we strove to start with ourselves to make a difference. Our topics had no boundaries and by the end of one of those talks, although we felt we may not have solved all the world’s problems, we had surely rediscovered a little bit more about ourselves.
Be Open and Willing
Openness was a primary ingredient in these kitchen table discussions. Therefore, in this exchange, I want to follow that tradition as I expose my own personality, to support the belief that it’s okay to freely discuss personal matters with others . . . especially when we are looking for self-fulfillment and self-discipline. Be free; be open!
Like many others, my desire to find the right partner has elicited many of my idiosyncrasies. On several occasions, the ensuing experiences have pointed to the need for my own growth and maturity. Does that sound like something that has happened to you as well? Perhaps it is “American” or democratic to let it all hang out, as they say; and in the process, look for romantic partners who are just as fearless.
America seems to be a culture ripe for interaction as well as candor. Even with all the hardships and global concern, one still feels a spirit of freedom or liberation as well as hope and a faith in a greater tomorrow. Emmet Fox writes that hope is the weaker sister to faith because faith demands certainty in our connection to a grander source of love and power.
My own personal goal is to “be the best self I can be,” and that includes a built-in sense of goodness and empathy for others. I am grateful for the existence of a large number of counselors, healers and other professionals who can show us how to have a healthy and productive lifestyle, but as I pointed out earlier, ultimately it is up to us to determine how we want to fashion our lives and which choices we want to make.
External preoccupations or distractions as well as machines, devices, books, manuals, seminars etc. often present the illusion of doing that Inner Work, when we really aren’t. If we stop for a moment to ask ourselves where we’re going with all these activities, we may even be able to have a good laugh about the games of dodge ball and hide-and-seek that we play with ourselves.
Another virtue or characteristic of being American is that feeling or perception of being free to make our own choices when in truth we too readily allow therapists and other practitioners to “cure” or “heal” us, or improve our lots in life. It seems to go with a fast-food, fast-paced lifestyle.
Be a Risk-Taker
The ability to take risks without expecting every encounter to work out is the most important ingredient for preparing any romantic stew. We must also be candid enough to accept ourselves in the eyes of others, warts and all. Obviously this requires a sense of humor as well as the ability to recognize that we are all perfect in the eyes of God . . . that no person is more perfect than another. Each of us is a work in progress, and romance has very little to do with statistics: Number 10 body, IQ, credit rating, suntan, material possessions (home/ car/boat, computers and electronics), etc., etc. One can easily be swayed by the media and marketplace of athletic heroes and movie stars.
In her book, The Men Who Drive Strong Women Crazy . . . DRAMA KINGS, Dalma Heyn writes about the 21st century American woman’s lifestyle and subsequent relationship changes. Today, for example, the “drama king” male (unavailable, controlling and unable to connect) is not nearly as acceptable to independent, strong willed women.
Today’s women are hardly passive stay-at-home creatures willing to close their ears and eyes and let their husbands have a few on the side – without doing the same themselves! Today most women perform multiple roles in almost every type of coupling relationship. This has created a dichotomy to the point where time management can be a major challenge. Job, home, family, health maintenance, social life and extracurricular activities integrally linked to one’s profession can push even the gentlest of women to the edge – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Add to this mix sleep deprivation and a house full of sick kids, and romance seems like something that exists on another planet.
The 21st century multi-tiered and –taxed lifestyle has spawned a need to create a new paradigm for happiness and self-fulfillment – and perhaps a new format for romance. That seems like a big assignment and perhaps an impossible one.
Yet nothing else in our lives has stood still, so why should we romantics be frozen in time? What used to be traditional romantic protocol has disappeared along with Marcel perms, girdles, hats, and gloves. In this Global Information Age we may know the names of a whole batch of friends in Taiwan, Johannesburg, Brisbane and Madrid and be clueless about who lives next door. Our houses have no front porches and the corner grocery is now a franchised shopping mall. SUVs and RVs are the symbol of a society constantly on the move. Instead of marrying the boy or girl next door or our high school sweetheart, we jet across the Atlantic or Pacific for yet another experience with a new and different specimen.
And that’s exactly where I headed. Like a true modern-day pioneer, I ventured out beyond the back yard and went West, East, South and North . . . Wherever I pitched my tents turned out to be fertile territory. In the Southeast/ Deep South, I found courtesy and gentile traditions; in the Northern Midwest, I encountered the more stoic descendants of miners, many of Norwegian heritage. In the Southwest, I dipped into the emotional heat of the Latino/Hispanics . . . With much gusto, I celebrated the ethnicity of America’s great melting pot.
Use the Internet — That’s What It’s There For!
Like many others seeking romance, the Internet turned out to be a virtual gold mine of untapped potential. Risk was everywhere, and so was adventure. Automatic “pick and choose” lottery games turned out to be the most fun of all, but of course delivered the highest risk. Behind the veil of copious emails one can voice hopes and dreams that might never be shared should we meet in person – especially if we perceive the “stakes are high” and we don’t want to disappoint or be disappointed. We can also choose to be as romantic as we wish, without destroying the essence of ambiguity and evasiveness – two important ingredients for any introductory experience on the Internet. We can be free with compassion, kindness, tenderness and even hint at forthcoming passion, knowing the recipient doesn’t need to be Mr. or Ms. Right. But just in case, we’ve got our bases covered.
It seems interesting that women enjoy emails more than men, who appear to communicate more easily by phone. My mother’s large Southern farm family met regularly, bringing spouses and children to enjoy the hospitality, food, and conversation, and I remember the humor among the men gathered on the front porch. At a certain point my grandfather would gesture toward the kitchen where the women and girls were chatting jovially: “Is anybody doing the listening in there?”
Both emails and phone contact allow for the privacy of unwashed face, unbrushed teeth, curlers, night gown or none.
Posted profiles on the Internet match sites can be fascinating and of course deliberately misleading – which is part of the gamesmanship. I tend to go for profiles that stray from mere multiple choice “yeses and no’s” or lists of adjectives. I like narratives with a flare that deliver personal experiences flavored with humor, pathos or deeds of derring-do. This indicates there’s a pulse and blood actually circulating. Sometimes you just jump, and learn to fly on the way down.
Yet even then, the profile information is scant and leaves much to be desired. Each of us is so complex; how could we expect to really “know” a person from just a questionnaire? We have our marvelous days and then those other times when we question everything – even who we are to ourselves! Perhaps that’s the true value of family and friends we’ve grown up with; they’ve hung out with us long enough to know how to go with the ebb and flow of our moods and metamorphoses. At least, however, these Internet handshakes give us an idea of shared values and social styles of interaction. That’s a healthy start.
Do You Really Want to Meet Another Photocopy of Yourself?
One cannot possibly expect another human being to fill every one of our needs or respond to all of our desires.
Yet Western culture focuses on individuality, and when we stop to think about it, we realize that our contemporary lifestyle, although rich with social interaction, is essentially a one-on-one type of existence. This means we almost set ourselves up for times when we feel lonely. A person, whose life is rich and full, has many friends and a large variety of interests. If a Significant Other is included in this list, the health and strength of the relationship will probably depend on staying connected to these supplemental friends.
Bottom line: no two people are alike. Your partner may not like to ballroom dance and you do, so you will find a friend with whom you can share a night out to ballroom dance. Your partner may be a sports fan; you have no interest in sports of any kind, so while he or she is TV watching or attending the games, you are spending time with a number of friends visiting art galleries, shopping, going to the library, attending a concert, etc.
Here’s another reality check for those who expect “instant success” or “instant matches” through Internet match websites: It takes time to build a relationship. It appears that many people who submit their profiles in order to match with like-minded friends and intimate partners are looking for an instant connection with a built-in history that closely resembles their own. How could this ever be the case, when each of us builds that personal history over time and through diverse circumstances?! Perfect synchronicity of belief systems, backgrounds, etc., is both unrealistic and unavailable.
I wouldn’t be human if I hadn’t been emotionally bruised a few times from some of these Internet match encounters. And yet, I’ll be the first to tell you these experiences have been a terrific education. I’m grateful for each of these encounters; they have not only taught me about what I didn’t want in a romantic relationship; they also showed me how to be more discerning. And most important of all: the failures did not stop me from trying again.
Let me emphasize once again the importance of risk taking. How are you going to know the water is wet unless you jump in?
Here are two more pointers I’ve learned during my romantic quests:
• It’s okay to be who you are!!
• When you’re desperate for romance, you will attract desperate energy . . . and we all know where that leads.
Recently I reread I Could Do ANYTHING if I Only Knew What It Was, by Barbara Sher. This book hits home. She writes that many of us have “real first targets” like “finding love or romance.” We must permit ourselves to go after these desires because that is a huge part of who we are; it is also the greatest part of ourselves that we want to present to others.
Also, even if we desire to search for this unique love, it is important for us to have a strong secondary goal, such as an entrepreneurial venture, career or family. These secondary goals add dimension to our life. We become interesting people through what we find interesting.
This way of looking at myself and at my life has given me the permission to focus on what I am all about at the same time I am seeking romance. Soon we discover that when meeting someone, these two aspects of ourselves are integrally related – and then the magic begins. Our romantic connections also become healthy because they are not merely based on sexual satisfaction or temporary entertainment. Positive values and outlooks, a “destiny path” and set of goals, form the basis for any lasting relationship . . . yet without romance, they lack that extra octane. You can feel the enthusiasm from anyone who has both!
Commitment
Okay, I just used the big word that scares away so many men – and these days, women as well – from forming any type of relationship at all. Of course, we’re frightened – that’s part of taking risks! And “what if” it doesn’t work out – especially if children are already involved?
I’m the kind of person who needs commitment, especially when sex is involved. Lust is grand; those rampaging hormones are the best reminder we have about the power and beauty of the life force energy. But when you add that radiance that comes from “true love” and appreciation, you have an unbeatable set of ingredients for a delicious Romantic Stew.
Ayn Rand suggests that love and sex in a relationship that includes intimacy, are our response to our highest values. “. . . sex is not the cause, but an effect and an expression of a man’s sense of his own value.”
Granted, these ideas expressed in Atlas Shrugged are based on experiences with men in the upper echelons of power. Yet, should that really make a difference? Is this not a universal principle that can be applied to all significant relationships? Power is a state of awareness and comfort.
I’m not suggesting that sexual enjoyment should be considered secondary or devalued in any way. It is – and should be – an integral part of that stew. The problem only arises when people believe the sexual act itself is a full representation of love – or one might even say, that sex alone is any significant representation of love. Expectations and ideas of right and wrong are sourced from this misunderstanding. Let the sex be the spices and herbs; let it be tenderizing ingredients. But the “meat, vegetables and potatoes” of a love relationship should be a deep and lasting friendship that consists of trust, honor, respect, lots of laughter and shared experiences of growth.
In spite of the limitations of “virtual matching,” almost inevitably it broadens a person’s horizons and alters their perspectives. Also, whatever the outcome from these connections, this renewed zest flavored with hope and desire will unconsciously be transported to other areas of our life.
The final test is of course, “reality” itself and not a computer screen. As we move beyond merely seeking romantic partnerships and set our stakes still higher, in the process we will learn to more actively define ourselves and elicit similar qualities from another. There’s something magical about this mirrored process.
Openness and excitement about the surprises every day may bring are two wonderful gifts that are available to everyone. If we add to this the decision to live in the NOW, we will always be fertile for connecting with like minded (romantic) partners.
Dangers and Risks
Expect to find all types of people when you go on this romantic quest. The most common misfit will be someone who is not totally up-front about themselves. Also, you may find people with serious personality disorders. This isn’t a “danger, danger, Will Robinson” warning, however. If your search is mainly through the Internet, do remind yourself that writing is only one method of communication. Just seeing data in print doesn’t necessarily make it so.
Romance by its very nature is illusory. It is intended to be an invitation to the land of make-believe! This is an introduction. When we engage in our fantasies, we deliberately remove ourselves from the usual hubbub of daily activities with all its mundane chores, and enter into this exciting world of Oz where the streets are emerald green and every man and woman is a king and queen . . . a bit of wizardry going on here? Why not? How does it make you feel? Romance is also “a moment” with a place and time all its own; “real life” will still be bathing the baby or scrubbing the lasagna pan.
Try Yourself Out First
Why not create this romance first for yourself, without asking another person to participate? Become an entrepreneur of romance before seeking a partner. Doesn’t that make good business sense?!
Find your own inner joy first, rather than hoping someone else will supply it for you. You may spend your life hoping and waiting, when all this time you could have had that excitement and joy welling up from the reservoir of your own heart! A partner is merely a complement, or supplement.
Sir Galahad is Still in Style
If you are a true romantic, you will want to include plenty of old-fashioned courtesy and etiquette in your romantic stew. How gallant it is for a woman to be treated like a princess, and for a man to be treated like a combination of characters portrayed by Gene Hackman, Clint Eastwood and Harrison Ford, with a little Albert Einstein, Ralph Waldo Emerson and Abraham Lincoln thrown in for good measure! Even if these are not your favorite heroes, you get the picture. Remember: all of us look at our particular niche in reality through a veil of perception, and we select our choices according to our own wishes and needs.
Three of my own romantic encounters illustrate a time when, in my forties I was seeking a long-term commitment. This meant that new ingredients in my grocery list needed to be included when I set out to do my shopping. Although in each of these relationships I experienced some magnificent moments of what could really be called “love” as well as romance, the greatest gifts I came away with were those least expected.
In each of these relationships, I learned so much about myself! As each of these love fests became more intense and I became more passionately involved, it soon became evident to me that I was wobbling when it came to my core beliefs and values. I started questioning many things I had taken for granted or had just accepted almost passively. The world started to look different; I discovered that I was acting differently with these men. What was the attraction? It was time for each of the relationships to end, since I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life with either of them.
I was resolute, and grateful that I had the courage to walk away. That isn’t to say I was less than painfully disappointed in the failure of these relationships to produce a long-term commitment. We all experience times when we fall down; the real trick is to get up and keep going. Life doesn’t stop. There are still meals to prepare, dishes to wash, beds to make, etc. – and after a bit of healing, yet another person waiting in the wings!
Let Romance Be in the Air – All the Time
We are all ordinary people, but we don’t have to be, if we allow ourselves to use our imagination, not every so often, but all the time. Each of us is an artist. We can paint the ethereal and highly fabricated landscape of “romance” as the background of every moment of our lives. Romance can be a song that we hum while pushing the vacuum or picking up the kids after soccer practice. It is the music that touches us and makes us feel at one with a Source larger and greater than ourselves.
Catch the rhythm and enjoy it all! And if others raise their eyebrows when you laugh a little too often or when you break off yet another relationship because it didn’t quite meet your values – freeing yourself for another more fitting opportunity . . . trust yourself.
Below is one of my favorite parables that came to my email box from Christian Godefroy, whose website is www.club-positif.com.
A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master’s house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full 2 years, this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one-and-a-half pots full of water in his master’s house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. ”I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you.”
”Why?” asked the bearer. “What are you ashamed of?”
”I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts,” the pot said.
The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, “As we return to the master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.”
Indeed as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure.
The bearer said to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers only on YOUR side of your path, but not on the other pot’s side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you’ve watered them.
For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master’s table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house.”
Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We’re all cracked pots.
Some of us don’t grow old gracefully, some are not so smart, some are tall, large and big, some bald, some physically challenged, but it’s the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You’ve just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them. There is a lot of good out there. Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape. Remember to appreciate all the different people in your life! Or as I like to think of it – if it’s not for the crackpots in my life, it would be pretty boring.
Live and love passionately, and in the process be kind to yourself and others.