Chapter 10
I was not allowed to go to my cousins. They were also not allowed to play at our house. We could only see one another at school and that was also difficult for us too. My question is; why can’t adults sort out their own things in their own way and privately. Why did they have to drag the children into adult dilemmas? I guess I should be used to it by now but I still have hope that things will change. I know that I need to have faith and patience yet I still have a lot of questions. I am writing my Afrikaans exam today. Luckily for me, I am fully bilingual. There is nothing strenuous about Afrikaans. Yesterday’s exam was difficult. I really do not enjoy History. I wish that I could change history; my own history but that will stay a wish I suppose because you cannot change back the hands of time and therefore what happened, happened. There's no way of changing my own nightmares into fairy tales and beautiful glamorous stories. It is all but that. Heading into the class towards my desk, I noticed a new girl in our class. She walked straight into an exam. I wonder if she knows it. "Good morning, I am Gabby. Welcome to our school" She is shy and not sure what to say. “Hi, I am Chantel” she answered. “Are you writing an exam today? I am not sure what to expect.” I looked around to ensure that the teacher has not walked in yet. I do not want to be chased out. “Yes, we are writing Afrikaans today. Do you understand the language?” I asked. “Yes, my mother is Afrikaans so I understand it really well. I hear the other kids talking, shuffling to their desks real fast and they are making more noise by trying to hush one another. What a disaster I thought this was. Sitting down in front of Chantel I thought of my little sister. She is always so quiet and never say anything out of place. A real people’s pleaser if I can put it like that. She hardly complains, she never asks for anything and she is always willing to help at all times. She is actually a sweet loyal little girl that has become a total introvert. I am sure she feels the same as I do. Too scared to say something out of proportion in case it is the wrong thing and they might pick up on our situation at home. That is how I feel around my friends. I am a total different person compare to any of my friends in my group. It feels as if I am one person at school and another person as home. Mrs De Lange walked up and down the aisles in her classroom to ensure that we did not have any crib notes and at the same time, she handed our exam papers to us. She was a wonderful person and I loved her classes. “Children, can I please have complete silence during this exam session. Your paper is forty five minutes long. Please remember that this is a language so keep in mind that your spelling is extremely important today. When you are finished, please put your hand up and I will collect the paper from you. Good luck children, I trust that you have studied hard and you know your work. You can begin.” As I turned my paper around, I realised that the comprehension is about music; My deepest passion in life. I want to become a singer when I am big one day. I love music. The comprehension is a total give away and I love the fact that it is my favourite subject. The rest of the paper also went well. I had to write a letter to someone far to inform them of something silly that has happened to me lately. And last but not least I completed the grammar section too. After Mrs. De Lange collected my paper, I lay on my arms. Different kinds of things ran through my very active mind. I cannot understand why people lay on their arms after completing an exam, but I sure do understand now. This weekend is going to be fun. I am going to make it fun for myself. I want to do something that I have not done in a while and that is play with my doll. I want to play doll house with my little sister Abby. I am certain she will enjoy it. It is Friday afternoon and I am sitting in my room drawing. I love to draw a particular flower. I have never seen this type of flower in real life, but it is one that my mommy drew for me years ago. I love that memory and if I feel down, that is what I then think of. The flower started as a small bud, but when I was finished with it, it looked like a giant flower with lots and lots of petals. The stem of the flower had dark sharp thorns and the seeds were as green as grass. The flower itself is a deep purple with lilac lines in it. It looks so beautiful. “Do you want to play sevens? I pumped the ball up for us to play.” Abby said when she entered the room. “That is a great idea.” I replied as I picked my few bits of stationary up to put back into my stationary bag. While sitting in the bath everything rumbles through my mind. How can I live a normal life knowing that a part of me is broken? My heart is broken, my emotion torn and my spirit shattered. How can I look at things in a different light? I really hate scratching in my chest of drawers looking for my white pyjamas. It has the most beautiful sparkly yellow stars around the moon. On the moon is a little man, a singular isolated man who seems lost in his own thoughts. He is watching the galaxy from the tip of the moon with his knees drawn up till under his chin. As I pulled it over my head I heard the door open. The beautiful Abigail made her appearance in our bedroom. Her hair is combed back into a ponytail. She already bathed and had her little baby green nightie on with a purple and pink track pants and her soft pink slippers. My mommy believes that we must wear gowns when we get out of the bath. I do not argue because she is a nurse. “Gabby, mommy said we must climb into bed or else we won’t get up for Sunday school tomorrow.” She turned the bedside lamp on and switched the big overhead light off. “Gabby…” she whispered as we lay in bed. “Yes Abby?” I answered while shuffling to get comfortable. “Gabby, you changed. Did I do something wrong? Why don’t you want to play with me anymore?” she said with great sadness in her voice. “Abby, nothing happened. I am ok. I will play more often with you if that will make you happy.” I said trying to turn the guilt feeling into a tiff. I feel totally horrible. We use to play every day after school. We are drifting apart and I am very guilty of that fact. I did not mean for us to drift far apart but I chose it to hide my fear. Abby knows me all too well and that scares me more than a nightmare. If I have to tell her what happened to me in the bathroom, she will not hesitate at all to run to my mother. There will be screaming and shouting and beating and even a murder I think. That is not something that I could ever live with. My mommy opened the door to wake us up but we surprised her. We got up early to make sure our room is clean before we go to Sunday school. We were sitting on our beds all dressed and ready. My mommy was taken by surprise and you could see the pride in her eyes. We were also very proud of ourselves. She handed our coffee and said “Wow my girls, your room looks so neat and tidy. And you are dresses too. You both look so beautiful.” I really felt beautiful today. I had a jean skirt on, a polo-neck shirt and a waistcoat. We were dressed like twins. I love it because people use to think that we were twins. I loved playing the fool. It makes me laugh out the pit of my stomach and it gives me the best feeling ever. As we got on the bus I recognised a new face. He stayed in the same block of flats as my friend Kerry. She kept a space for me to sit next to her. “Gabby, this is Joe.” Kerry introduced. “Hi Joe. What made you decide to visit our church?” I asked politely. He is very short so if I take a guess I would say he is about a year younger than me. He has dark brown hair with hazel eyes. His lips compliment his smile in many ways. “Uhm… I… uhm… Kerry invited me so I decided to come see what it is all about.” He said as he put his head down… all shy. “I’m sure you will love it. I do!” The bus stopped in front of the church and we all got out. As normal, the girls sit on the right and the boys on the left. Uncle Harry started singing and we all joined in. We sang a song where we all had to move up and down and turn around and sit down and up again. I love that hymn. They asked everyone to go to their classes so that our lessons can begin. As I walked into our class I heard a soft voice call my name. “Gabby… Gabby, please will you come here for a moment?” She asked politely. “O…Ooooo” I thought to myself. This is not a good sign. Running the last couple of days through my head, thinking of anything that I might have said or done to other children, I walked slowly up to her. “Good morning” I said softly. Nothing comes to mind so what is this all about. “I heard you were very upset in last week’s class.” I put my head down slightly still keeping eye contact. I felt like a puppy with its tail between its legs. “Yes, I was, but it is all sorted out now.” I tried to escape her but there was no letting go this time. She was focused on me. Her big brown eyes were on me all the time, looking for questions in my eyes. Not even answers. What did I get myself into? “Gabby, I am not letting you go until you tell me what the matter is.” I can’t tell her. She will tell my aunt then I am as good as dead. My father will give me a hiding I will never forget because I spoke out of the house. “I am sorry, I cannot tell you. It will cause more trouble for me and others. More than you’ll ever know.” I said. I cannot tell her, full stop! “The pastor said that you might react like this and if you do, I need to call him so that he can speak to you. He thought it would be better if a lady tries to speak to you first.” She explained. “Listen; with all the respect in the world, I still want to come to church. If I say anything, everything will change, and not for the better.” I pleaded. I dare not tell her. Thank goodness, someone else needed her and I could not walk faster to my class than I did. Sitting in class with my mind far away, I realised that maybe it is not a bad idea just to tell someone. What is my daddy going to do? Give me a hiding for seeking help? Help that they need… not that he wants any… The class was adjourned and I ran to the bus. Joe was already in the bus. I sat next to him and put my head on his lap. “Hide me. There’s a lady looking for me and I don’t want to talk to her right now. Please just hide me.” Joe did not know what the hell was going on, but I did not really care at the moment. I know she is standing on the stairs looking for me. “Is there a woman with a red dress looking this way?” He did not hear me so I pinched him. “What the…” “Is there someone in a red dress standing on the stairs looking in the direction of the bus?” Yes. But what.." he tried to ask a question. "Shht! It's going to look odd if you talk." I repeated myself. “Don’t look down, just sit dead still.” I said l. "Yes. But what.." he tried to ask a question. "Shht! It's going to look odd if you talk." I heard the bus start up and it started moving shortly after. When it was a distance away from the church, I lifted my head. “Thank you so much, you saved my life.” I said. “Do you mind telling me what that was all about? Or should I rather not ask?” Imagine I must tell this boy my sobby life story… he will never want to come back to our church. “I would take the; rather not ask, bit.” We giggled all the way home. We chatted as if we knew each other for years. I also found out that he is two years older than me. I hope he comes back next weekend. He is an easy person to talk to. Phew, what a morning. Just by walking into the back door, I can feel the tension in the house. "Yes madam, and what did you tell that woman in church?” He was upset. I can tell him whatever I want; he is not going to believe me. "I did not say anything. I promise you daddy, I did not tell her anything. I ran away from her." "You better not be lying to me." he warned me. "Yes daddy." I answered him. That short conversation made my appetite disappear like dust in a windstorm. I was hungry when I walked in but that feeling was replaced with fear, anger, disappointment... you name it, it was cutting through my heart like a hot knife through frozen butter. The place that I felt the safest in is now known as an enemy den. It is rather sad how people can change the atmosphere in a place. They will not get the better of me. I will go to church and face the people. I do not go to church for others, to please other or to put up a show. I go to church for me. I go to church to speak to God and to cry my heart out. I go to church because he is the only one that understands me and knows me inside out. I go to church for me. After lunch, I decided to have a look to see what I am wearing to church tonight. I must be honest with myself but I am very nervous too. I don’t know what will happen tonight. I do expect the lady to confront me again and this time I need to tell her some of the things that have been bothering me. I will take it one day at a time and play it as it comes. After dragging out my cherished pink dress I realised that I need to clean my white shoes. Mommy always says that you can tell a lot about a woman by the cleanliness of her shoes. I will make sure that it is spotless clean. I see that my mommy is also looking for clothes to wear to church tonight. I love it when my mommy comes to church with me. As the time ticks closer to four o’clock, I started to get dressed. Mommy is in her room too. She always uses perfume… Opium perfume. I love that smell. It does not matter where I am or who I am with, if I smell Opium perfume all who I can think of is my mommy. I hear the bus’s hooter around the corner so I ran outside to ask them to stop in front of our house so that my mommy can get on the bus. My aunt is already on the bus and that made things a bit awkward. As normal, I greeted everyone that was on the bus already. I moved to the front where there were smaller seats. As I looked to my right, there he was. “Hi again.” He said. I smiled and said “I thought that I scared you away this morning.” He threw his head back and laughed. “That little incident only wanted me to come back for more.” He joked. I laughed all the way to church thinking of this morning. Arriving at church, the lady was outside greeting the people joining the evening service. As the group of people approached the door I slipped in unnoticed. We started the evening with a soul hymn and the Holy Spirit took it from there. It was with one particular hymn that I just burst out crying. I do not care what Joe thinks of me. All I know is that I need to get it off my chest. We sang in praise and worship. The pastor invited anyone who has a burden on their chest, to join them in front. As I walked down the aisle, I came to realise who is standing there already. I can do this. I am not here for anyone but for my own soul. The pastor started praying for the people but she is walking directly to me. I just cried. “Dear child, let it go. I will pray for you.” She said before we both closed our eyes. “Jesus, here is a young soul today that is carrying something in her soul for quite some time. Jesus, help her and give her strength to fight this battle with your help God. I thank you God for helping her thus far Lord and I know that you will set her free from whatever it is that is bothering her.” I can feel my legs buckle beneath me. I can feel how her words cut through my heart because every word she is praying is true and exactly what I need. “Lord, You be her shoulder, Lord you be her strength and Lord you save her. I ask this in the wholy and almighty name of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, Amen and Amen” Opening my eyes only to realise that I am the only person standing in front. The pastor asked the lady to take me to the prayer room where I can talk to her. I have to speak to someone and now is the time. My legs feel like jelly and my entire body is shaking. “Gabby, what can I do to help you?” she asked looking straight into my soul with her big eyes. “I need you to listen. Don’t ask me anything, I just want to get it off my heart.” I answered. She is sitting with tissues in her hand. She offered me one which I was grateful for because mine is in my bag. “My mommy and daddy fight all the time. He beats my mommy and he calls her names. It is so bad that my aunt also hit my mommy. They have not spoken in months and that saddens me. I love my family with all my heart, but what my aunt did to my mommy is unforgiving. It breaks my heart to know that my father allows this to happen. Even though it did not happen in our house, I still think someone has to speak to them to make peace. It is so heart breaking; I had to watch my cousin through my mommy’s bedroom window leave for her matric farewell. I want to have fun with my family, but that will never happen as long as the fights and backstabbing continue. My mommy is not an angel in this whole scenario either. She let known of crucial secrets of my aunt.” I sobbed. I can feel how she cups me like a mother holds a child. No child should ever have to go through things like this. The more I cried, the tighter her grip became. I do not want sympathy; all I want is peace between the two homes. I want to be able to speak to my cousins freely and not being asked a millions questions when I return from a short visit from my aunt’s house. This was tearing me apart. After a long discussion with the lady, I realised that they are singing again meaning that the church service has come to an end. Walking up the stairs I took the slipway through the one door and entered again through the back door. “Hey…” I said. I could see that Joe was a bit confused. “You okay?” he whispered. “I feel much better. That was worth the cry. Thank you for asking.” He smiled and gave pushed me slightly with his shoulder. I got on the bus only to realise that my aunt and mommy is not in the bus as yet. My mommy was close to the bus when she heard someone call her name. I am so nervous because it is my aunt’s voice. She put her arms around my mommy and whispered “I am so sorry for all the wrong doing that I have done to you. Please forgive me.” Tears ran down my cheeks. Is this really happening or did I fall asleep. “I am also sorry for everything.” My mommy said. This is why I come to church because miracles like this do not occur everywhere. I am so happy that they made peace. I know I am in a lot of trouble with my daddy when we get home, but to see them hug and speak to each other was worth any hiding. Joe grabbed my hand and squeezed it and I looked at him and whispered “I am okay, these tears are happy tears. I am so happy right now; I don’t think you understand just how grateful I am.” I said as I squeezed his hand back. “Joe, this is a miracle that you are seeing right before your eyes.” He smiled and said “I knew there was a reason for me to be here tonight.” As the bus was about to stop at our house, mommy said to tell daddy to come over to my aunt’s house. She will wait for him there. I opened the door finding my daddy sitting in his favourite chair watching TV. “Daddy, mommy asked if you would please go to Aunty Shelby’s house. She will wait there for you.” I did not even finish my sentence and he was out the door. I know I am going to have a good night’s rest.