Where Am I?... Is This Hell?
AGE: 4 to 6 years old
Verbal abuse, extreme rage, prayers & profanity, head bruising with fire poker, domestic violence to mother and brothers, continued stomach punching, unable to breathe, panic and fear of dying or being killed, threatened with a shotgun.
Sometime later my mother went in to Declan and Martin's room and called out their names, 'Declan. Colin. Will ye get up, very quietly and politely?' I could tell by her voice that she was very sad and then she went in to Keiran and Deane room and again called out their names 'Keiran. Deane. Will ye get up?'
I started to get up. I didn’t want my mother to see me in bed sad. My mother came in, as she was opening the door she called out my name Maurice, I had been out of the bed when she came all the way in.
'Oh! You're up.' she says, she seemed to be a little better when she saw that we were all ok.
She then went to the kitchen, after getting dressed. I heard my brothers coming out of their rooms and into the hallway. I went into the hallway and followed them into the sitting room and we all sat on the couch again in order oldest to the youngest, at this stage we knew that was where we had to sit to please our father.
We were quiet not saying a word, I could see that my brothers were nervous and fearful, so was I, wondering what is going to happen, feeling sad.
Our mother was in the kitchen getting the breakfast very silently. I heard our father coming in and doing something in the kitchen, my mother and father did not talk and he went outside again.
Our mother came into the kitchen with a bowl of porridge for me and my brothers and went back into the kitchen.
During our time eating our breakfast our father had come into the kitchen and back outside several times without making much noise and without talking to our mother and she did not attempt to talk to him.
At this stage I got more relaxed and so did my brothers as our father didn’t come in from outside shouting at us or in a rage. He was so quiet.
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Chapter 3 - Where Am I? Is This Hell?
We sat there all day, we knew we were not allowed to play. We didn't even talk to each other or make noise as we knew this would displease our father. All day I kept touching the many bumps on my head as a result of the poker. When I touched them they were soft with what seemed like water inside, I never felt anything so sore.
Towards evening, after a long day of sitting on the couch in silence, our mother said, 'I have to send ye to bed now.' She was trying to get us to bed early to avoid a repeat of the night before. We went to bed. I felt relieved, thinking my father might not harm us again.
The following morning I woke up and heard my mother getting my three oldest brothers ready for school. My brothers left for school in the car driven by our father. My mother came into my room first as it was the closest room to the sitting room, and said, 'Do you want to get up Maurice?' 'Yeah, I'm getting up now.' I replied. She then went into my older brothers room, Deane, who was too young for school.
'Deane do you want to get up?' she said to him and walked down the hallway and into the kitchen. When I was dressed I went into the sitting room and sat in my position at the outside of the couch, a short time later Deane came in and sat in his position on the couch beside me. Our mother gave us a bowl of porridge each and went back to the kitchen.
We ate the porridge quickly and left the bowls on the floor, and started to play and talk on the couch.
Our father came back after dropping Declan, Colin and Philip to school, he came in to the kitchen and said a few words to our mother. He could hear myself and Deane playing on the couch but he didn’t come in near us.
He and our mother then went outside to milk the cows. Myself and my brother forgot about the fear of our father as we ran around the house from room to room.
Our mother came in to check on me and Deane a couple of times while she was helping our father outside milking the cows.
When our mother and father had finished milking the cows, they came in and had their tea. Our father never said anything to me and Deane as we played in the house.
As the day went on our father left us alone. Things seemed a lot different to the previous couple of days. At three o'clock our father went into the village to pick up our brothers from school which was a mile and a half from our house.
When they got home we were all given our dinner that our mother had prepared during the day. Declan, Colin and Philip were told that they had to do their homework when they had finished their dinner.
When dinner was finished our mother told me and Deane politely to try and stay quiet as our brothers had to concentrate on doing their homework.
Our father went outside to the farm to do the jobs. When the homework was finished our brothers put their school bags in their rooms and then came and took their positions on the couch as myself and Deane played.
When the evening came our father came in and seeing myself and Deane playing on the ground and shouted at us using bad language, "Get up in the fucking couch with the rest of them! And let me not hear a word out of ye for the rest of the night." And went out into the yard to do the evening milking with our mother following him.
While the cows were being milked, myself and Deane played a little on the couch but Declan, Colin and Philip stayed quiet looking nervous and afraid as myself and Deane tried 12
Chapter 3 - Where Am I? Is This Hell?
to interact with them as they seemed to get more nervous when we did so and didn’t react to us for they feared him coming into the house in a rage.
When the evening milking was over we heard him coming in and myself and Deane stopped playing and went dead quiet like the rest of our brothers.
He entered the room in a rage shouting in bad language, "Be quiet ye cunts!" as we didn’t know what to do, we couldn’t have been any quieter. But again he wanted our mother who at this stage was in the kitchen to think we were making noise so he would have an excuse to beat us.
Again using bad language he shouted, "Be quiet I said!" in a temper. Again I thought he is looking for any excuse to start. He then turned to go to the kitchen, talking to himself, saying, "Ye fucking cunts." It was a relief he didn’t start beating us, our mother made the tea and we sat at the table to our food. As we were eating our food he started shouting at us saying, "Be quiet and eat yer food ye cunts!"
Some of us stopped eating as we had enough with some food still left on the plate. He got really angry shouting, "Eat yer food!" and got up off his chair as if to go for us, shouting,
"If ye don’t eat it, I'll fucking kill ye, ye cunts!"
We all finished our food as he told us to do, knowing if we didn’t there would be trouble.
It was a struggle to finish it, but it was better than getting beaten.
Our father then told Declan, Colin and Philip to get into their altar clothes that they wore serving mass in the local church. Myself and Deane didn’t have to as we were too young to serve mass and had no altar suit.
As my brothers went to their rooms to put on their suits, myself and Deane sat on the couch waiting for our brothers to come from their rooms as we knew that we were going to say prayers.
When my brothers came in to the sitting room, we were told to get on our knees and into position, again from the oldest down to the youngest.
Our father stood in front of us as we faced the holy cross that was on the wall directly behind him, our mother stood to the right of him beside the window.
He told us to join our hands and put them directly under our chin, We did so and he started to say prayers. As prayers went on myself and Deane started to poke each other in the side, looking at each other skitting and laughing.
Our father instantly made a go for us. We stopped and he stood back, we knew not to do it again.
As time passed he started to get agitated, he was saying the prayers very quickly. I could see that he seemed very bothered about something, as I thought that he was about to cry.
It was nearly impossible to stick the pain in my knees and arms as the prayers went on, going to a sitting position and back up to get relief without him noticing it. He didn’t notice it all of the time, but when he did he would make a go for me, as to get me not to do it again. The prayers finally ended and Declan, Colin and Philip were told to take off their altar clothes.
They did and then joined myself and Deane on the couch as our father and mother went to the kitchen. We were nervous again sitting there motionless. I couldn’t hear anything.
They must have gone outside.
After a while he came into the sitting room in a rage and grabbed Philip from the middle of the couch into the middle of the floor and started to punch him everywhere as hard as he could. I thought that he was going to kill Philip! The rest of my brothers were looking at 13
Chapter 3 - Where Am I? Is This Hell?
the ground fearful, I then looked at the ground as he stayed beating Philip. Philip didn’t cry, he was in shock, I thought Philip was going to die. He then stopped and kicked Philip back onto the couch. I looked over, he didn’t seem injured. He turned his head to the left and sunk into the couch, he wasn’t crying as he was in so much shock.
Our mother came in from outside not knowing what he did to Philip.
He started to shout, "I'll fucking kill the cunts!" as he walked toward the kitchen and our mother said to us quietly, 'Boys, I'm going to send ye to bed now.' as to avoid more violence from our father. We went to bed. It was very early and I lay there thinking what he had done to Philip.
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A day later or days later we did the usual things, myself and Deane played around the house during the day as Declan, Colin and Philip were in school. The evening time had come again and we sat on the couch after the prayers, again nervous as to what way our father would be.
He came into the sitting room in a rage and made for the poker and our mother following him crying and screaming trying to pull him back. He made in my direction waving the poker up and down viciously, I knew I was in trouble.
He started hitting me across the head viciously. I got off the couch and tried to run around him, my mother was screeching and crying, still trying to stop him. As I was getting around him he started to go for my fingers, he missed a few times, and a few times he got them.
The pain was very, very bad. As I got further around him he started me on the shoulder and again on the top of the head.
I made for the hall door to try and get to my room. When I got into the hallway I stopped and again he turned to my mother and waved the poker in her face so she wouldn’t follow him any further, she ran to my brothers and was shouting 'Come on lads! Come on!!'
I turned and ran for the room with my father following me. When I got in I got under the blankets lying on my back he came in, through the poker on the floor and started swinging both arms really fast and really hard at the top of my head. I said to myself 'I'm going to die. I'm going to die!' I didn’t try to stop him, I had given up and had excepted that I was going to die as he kept swinging.
As he was hitting me he was saying "You fucking cunt!" repeatedly and seemed to be very emotional and nearly crying. As if he had experienced a very traumatic experience.
After some time he stopped, picked up the poker off the floor and left. I couldn’t believe I was alive after the attack. I lay there short on breath. I had gone into some state of shock or something.
My mother had put my brothers in bed in the time of the attack and I could hear her frantically saying prayers from her room. He went in to her and shouted, "Shut up u cunt!"
and then there was silence.
I couldn’t believe what just happened, my head was in so much pain, I said I'm still going to die, even at that young age I said to myself 'My head is badly damaged, and I'm going to die any second.' I was in shock and had excepted that I was going to die, I felt very sad that my life was at an end.
I prayed to God, repeatedly asking him to please let me live.
The pain persisted for hours as I waited to die. I hoped that there might be a small chance the pain would go and I would survive but I just couldn’t see that happening.
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Chapter 3 - Where Am I? Is This Hell?
After what seemed to be a very long time, hours, the pain subsided, I couldn’t believe it,
'I'm going to live.' I said to myself, as I relaxed and thanked God.
It was a miracle my father had not killed me. I lay there thinking, 'What is all of this? Is this life? Is this the way it's meant to be?' but relieved I was ok.
Sometime later I slept, and in the morning I woke up relieved thinking this is probably the way it's meant to be getting beaten by this man who was in charge of us. I didn’t see him as a father.
When my father had got up and went outside, my mother ran down the hallway, opened the door and said to me, 'Are you alright?' looking worried. I replied, 'Yeah, I am.' and she hurried to the kitchen to make his morning tea.
The abuse continued, nearly every evening, and myself and my brothers had learned bad language, that we learned from our father.
Evening time came and he came in from outside in his usual fashion, in a rage, grabbing the poker and hitting me on the head.
I got up and around him and as I thought that he just wanted to make me cry I said to him while running for the hall door, 'I won't cry for you ya bastard!', and got into my room. I had enough and decided to not let him see that what he was doing was bothering me. So he came in, dropped the poker on the floor, and punched me in the stomach, winding me, and when I got my breath back for a few seconds he punched again. He did so for some time and I took it, and tried my best to give off the impression that there was nothing going on.
He stopped and left the room pulling the door closed after him. I said to myself, 'That's the way to deal with him.' as I lay there.
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A very short time later, the door opened quietly and there was my father holding the shotgun in his hands. He stood at the opening of the door holding the gun at shoulder height pointing it at me.
Straight away I said to myself, 'I'm dead.'
I was calm, very calm as I looked straight at him. He was trembling at first, but only slightly for a few seconds, and then he went into total calmness, looking straight into my eyes. I felt like I didn’t care if he shot me, as then the abuse would be over. I was thinking for the short time he was calm, maybe he will still shoot me but he might go away, I didn’t care. He then dropped the gun slowly still looking straight at me and turned around and left very calmly.
I couldn’t believe he didn’t shoot me. I started thinking, 'He could come back.' and I started to panic, thinking if he comes back with the gun again, he will definitely shoot me.
I started to panic more and more as I sat upright on the bed.
I knew I had to do something but I couldn’t think what to do. I began to think he's going to come back and I'm definitely going to die.
I moved down and sat at the bottom of the bed and sat there thinking, 'What the hell am I going to do?' I started to panic more as I still couldn’t think of how to save myself. It was hard to breath. I took a few steps to the right and then back to the bottom of the bed. I kept doing this trying to think what to do. I had been in the room for a couple hours or more, it seemed forever.
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Chapter 3 - Where Am I? Is This Hell?
I decided I had to get out of the house, I got out the back door and decided I'd go next door to my uncle and aunt. Their house was only a short distance away.
As I walked over the road I felt that I was going to be saved.
I went and knocked on the front door. Nobody got up. I then went round to the back door and started to knock but nobody heard me. I went to the front door again, I knocked for ages, but nothing. I then went to my uncle’s window and started shouting 'Get up!'
repeatedly as I wasn’t tall enough to bang on the window. They didn’t hear me. I went to the back windows to try and wake my cousins, shouting 'Get up!' repeatedly but nobody got up. I thought they have to hear me, but they just don’t care. I started to panic that nobody was going to get up.
I kept going from window to window for some time. I went to my uncle’s window again shouting, but nothing. I then got paranoid, saying to myself, 'Is my uncle part of this?' and thinking maybe he hears me but he won't get up.
'Why is everybody against me?' I kept thinking, 'Everybody hates me.'
'Maybe I shouldn’t be trying to escape? Maybe I should be at home in bed? The beatings, the gun, it's probably the way it's meant to be.' I said to myself and decided to go home.
I walked over the road home, somewhat calm, as I had convinced myself that all the bad things that are happening are meant to happen and this is what a child has to go through.
When I got home I went straight to my room, I just laid on the bed, I didn’t take my clothes off, I laid there for some time thinking, 'Will I go to sleep?' It's been ages and I can't hear anything from my father's room. He probably won't get up now, or will I try to stay awake just in case.
I stayed awake for a good while more, somewhat relaxed as I feared the worst might not happen now, but I wasn’t fully sure.
I have no recollection if I stayed awake into the morning or if I fell asleep. In the morning I woke early or had still been awake. I was waiting for everybody to get up, and it will be a new day and I could forget about what happened and feel safe.
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Eventually I heard my father get up, I was glad it was finally a new day. As he walked down the hallway I got a bit nervous that he might come into my room but he walked past and had gone outside, I was relieved when he did so.
Sometime later I heard my brothers getting up and then I had total relief that the bad night was over, it was a new day.
The abuse continued, which seemed to be every evening or almost every evening and at this stage I knew it was something that I had to go through and that it was probably all part of life, and I expect it to some degree.
Deane was to start his first day at school, so when we got up in the morning I watched them all getting ready, then my father brought them off in the car. My mother was making me breakfast as she had already given the breakfast to my brothers first because they had to go to school. It felt a bit strange now that Deane had been gone to school as well and I was there by myself.
I had my breakfast and then my father came back from dropping my brothers to school, came into the kitchen, said a few words to my mother and then went outside to milk the cows.
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Chapter 3 - Where Am I? Is This Hell?
My mother came in to me and said 'Maurice, I'm going out to give your father a hand milking the cows, and I'll be in, in a while to check on ya.'
When she had gone I felt bored, walking from room to room, time went very slow, and later as my mother said, had come in to check on me, asking me was I ok, I told her I was fine, and she left telling me that she wouldn’t be much longer.
I had been running from room to room when my father came in, he wasn’t in a rage and told me quietly to quiet down. I was surprised as to how nice he was.
Some days later he came in after milking the cows, I had been standing on the floor in the sitting room. He came in front of me shouting "You little bastard! I'll fucking kill ya, ya cunt!" I stood there looking at him as he was getting more and more into a rage, clinching his fists and stamping his feet.
I didn’t move as he was shouting, "Fucker! fucker! Fucking fucker!!" nearly blue in the face, I wasn’t afraid,
I felt like I had done something wrong, or that I was different as he picked on me all the time and not my brothers. I knew he had a deep hatred for me.
By now I had never recognized him as a father, he was just an evil man that was in charge of me and my brothers and my mother and I could feel only hatred for him, like he had for me.
He continued to do this every morning when he came in after the milking, shouting abuse and intimidating me by clinching his fists and stamping his feet but he always eventually backed off, and he had never hit me in the mornings or in the day.
In the evenings it was the same routine, we said prayers for an hour and stuck through the pain of kneeling on the hard floor without hesitation to relax, he never got easy on us during prayers.
And afterwards he would kick off into a rage beating me with the poker and following me into my bedroom. My mother started putting me into bed early to stop him from beating me, she thought this might stop him.
I had been lying in bed one evening wide awake, my father had been somewhere and came back, he started shouting about something for some time and then he started telling my brothers to go to bed. I heard them hurry down the hallway with my father behind them saying "Get into bed ye cunts! And let me not hear another thing out of ye for the night."
and he was calming down.
I wasn’t afraid as he was calming down. There was silence for a few seconds, the door opened, it was my father, he closed the door out fully. It felt strange as he was not in a rage.
I wondered what is he doing? He came and sat on the side of the bed, pulled the blanket off me and started punching me in the stomach and winding me repeatedly with a sick sense of pleasure in his face as he watched me go through it. He then left. I was shocked that he had come in and done this again. I felt very fed up and sad as I wiped his sweat that was dripping from his nose from my chest with the blanket and then pulled it over myself.
I froze just staring at the celling.
I was so fed up, I went into starting to think, 'I don’t care anymore. I'd be better off if he killed me.'
In the mornings I would think about what happened to me, but when I got up I forgot about it and got on with the day.
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One weekend had come and my brothers were off school. When we got up in the morning we were told to go onto the couch by our father roaring and shouting at us that we were to be quiet for the day or he would kill us. He got into a full rage, fists clinched, stamping his feet, spit coming from his mouth as he leaned right into the couch. I thought he was going to kill us all, he eventually calmed down and went outside to our mother who was getting the milking started.
He had really frightened us all this time, he usually wasn’t that angry in the mornings.
Just as he had gone, Colin said, 'Listen all of ye! We are going to have to go to the Guards.'
Declan and Philip said 'What?' 'We are going to have to go to the guards about him. He can't be doing this to us.' said Colin.
I felt relieved when he said it, finally it’s going to be over I thought. When Keiran and Declan said, 'How will we get to the guards?' Colin said, 'We will walk into town and go to the Guards. Come on now! We will go now. Come on.' he said really quickly.
Philip and Declan looked really on edge with Kieran saying, 'If he catches us, he will kill us!' and Declan agreeing. I wanted to go. I was hoping Philip and Declan would get the courage to go.
Deane wasn’t saying anything, I thought if we go he will probably catch us up the road, as the village was far away, and thinking maybe we will make it as it took my parents a long time to milk the cows. I just wanted to go. Declan and Philip kept saying, 'He'll catch us if we go and he'll kill us!'
Colin said really quickly, 'We'll vote. Who wants to go?' I said quickly, 'I want to go.'
Deane was staring at the ground saying nothing, he looked really frightened. Declan and Philip said nothing looking at the ground when Colin got angry, saying 'We have to go.
We have to stop him. The Guards will talk to him and stop him killing us.' Declan then said, 'We are not going.' when Colin got up saying, 'Come on! Come on!' in a panic and we all got up and started to follow him out of the house.
Nobody said anything as we got onto the road, I was sure that our father would see us from the shed and come after us. I was very nervous walking past the entrance to the yard, convinced he would see us, I'm sure my brothers were thinking and feeling the same as we walked quickly past the entrance.
Declan, Philip and Colin was in front of me and Deane was behind as we walked in a line up the road towards the village, keeping in close to the ditch. I wasn’t thinking if a car stops we can tell them what our father was doing to us, then I just kept walking without any more thoughts looking at the ground. When Philip panicked, turned around and said
'I'm going back.' We all turned and followed him, I started to think I hope we make it back without being seen by our father.
We got past the entrance to the yard without being seen with Philip walking really quickly in front and I followed. We got in to the sitting room, sat up on the couch and we all just went into pure silence and sat there. I felt disappointed that we didn’t keep going, I said to myself there is no way out of this, feeling trapped.
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Chapter 4 - Devil in the House Chapter 4
Devil in the House
AGE: 5 to 6 years old
Sadistic violations, physical abuse and torture, rage and intimidation, threats of killing myself and my mother, threats to keep silent, lying and manipulations, public humiliation.
My grandmother and grandfather came to babysit me and my brothers when my parents would go to a funeral, a wedding or to visit friends.
My mother would say 'Granny and granddad are coming to babysit ye while myself and yer father are gone.' We were really happy when she would say they were coming as myself and my brothers thought our grandparents were great.
On the morning they would be coming, I would be really excited waiting for them to come.
A taxi would pull up outside with my granny and grandfather in it, and everybody would start shouting, 'They are here! They are here!'
Granny would come in first and say hello to everyone. Everyone loved granny, she was really nice and would never give out to us. Grandad would come behind her holding up five bars of chocolate in his hand, he would give myself and my brothers a bar each, my brothers would eat their chocolate and I would leave mine on the window and start to play with grandad. He would pretend to box me and I would pretend to box him, and then the rest of my brothers would join in. We could finally talk and play now that our grandparents were here.
My father would always be nice when they came, talking and laughing with grandad, he found grandad very amusing as my grandfather never took anything serious, and would always make a laugh and joke about every conversation.
We thought he was really funny when my granny would ask him something, he would pretend not to really hear her, hearing her clearly he would put his ear up close to her and say, 'What was that?' my granny would repeat it, she might say to him it’s time for your dinner and he would try to say something that sounded like that, knowing full well what she said he would say to her, 'I'm a sinner?'
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Chapter 4 - Devil in the House Everybody would laugh, and granny would get embarrassed, but she loved the attention from my grandfather and to her embarrassment he would continue this throughout the day.
Grandad would stand at the window sometimes looking to see if there was any foxes in the field and when he would see one he would ask my father to get the gun, we would get excited looking at grandad aiming out the window with our mother telling us to block our ears because of the loud bang. It was the highlight of the day watching grandad use the gun, and my brother would ask him many questions about the gun with everyone carefully listening to grandad talking about shooting the gun.
My mother would say to me, 'Maurice, granny and grandad are going to sleep in your room so I'm going to make a bed on the couch for you when I get home.'
I couldn’t wait for my father to go as I felt a kind of relief when he would leave the house and I knew that I was safe when he came home because granny and grandad were here and he couldn’t do anything to me. After my parents would leave, myself and my brothers would have a great time with granny and grandad. They were really good to us and never gave out, I remember thinking. 'It would be great if they could stay all the time' or 'If my father could be like my grandad.'
We spent most of the day asking granny questions, although we could be ourselves now that our father was out for the day. We were still relatively quiet as we were conditioned into thinking this is the way to be. We never really went outside either, sometimes myself and Deane attempted to but granny would always stop us, we were too young to go outside by ourselves.
Declan, Colin and Philip didn’t attempt to go outside, my father had put so much fear into them that they were still trying to please him even though he was gone by not going outside as our father never let us go outside. But they were more relaxed as I was too knowing for now that we were safe from the violence of our father.
When my parents would get back everyone would go to bed and my mother would get the couch ready for me to sleep on.
As I lay on the couch I felt really safe as my father had gone to bed and my mother was still up having a cup of tea in the kitchen before she went to bed.
In the mornings granny would get up first and start to make breakfast followed by my mother asking me, 'Was I ok? Did I sleep well?'
Granny would say to get up and put the blankets away so everybody would have a place to sit when they got up.
Everybody would get up and grandad would be last and we couldn’t wait for him to get up laughing and joking about everything.
My grandparents would stay until after dinner then a taxi would come and pick them up and bring them home, all of us would be disappointed to see them go.
I felt sad seeing them go and I knew that I was again unprotected from my father.
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The abuse continued and the evening had come once again and my father kicked off and following me into my bedroom punching me in the stomach and winding me repeatedly.
He stopped and reached in and started to open my pants, I thought maybe he is going to undress me for bed, but he never usually did.
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Chapter 4 - Devil in the House I knew there was something not right, it felt wrong and dirty but I still kept saying to myself maybe he's going to undress me and put me under the blankets but then I see that smile, pleasured look come on his face, that he would have on his face while I would be winded from the punches in the stomach. I felt exposed and tampered with as my pants was coming off, the thought of something wrong happening grew larger as the pleasured look on my father’s face got stronger and stronger.
He got my pants fully off and pushed my legs apart, I didn’t know what the hell was going on as he looked between my legs for more than a few seconds. I felt dirty or ashamed or something as I wondered what is he doing and why is he looking between my legs, he had his left hand on my left leg, holding it open and then he lifted his right hand and started punching me between the legs in my private parts.
I said to myself, 'What in the name of God is he doing?!' I was so confused as to what he was doing. I didn’t feel much pain at first as he kept looking between my legs while he was punching, again I kept thinking, 'What is he doing?! What is this about?'
I could feel his fist hitting bone between my legs that eventually started to hurt a bit, he done this for some time then he lifted the blanket and covered me and left silently.
I felt dirty and ashamed after he left wondering what was he doing, what is this, and why did he do that?
The following night or nights he had followed me to the bedroom, punched me in the stomach and then he went to open my pants again. I didn’t want him opening my pants again, so when he went to open them I started to push his hands away. He was trying to hold my hands with his left hand and trying to open my pants with his other.
He got the button open in my pants, I really didn’t want him to get my pants off, I got furious and tried everything to get away from him, he was trying to hold me down with one hand and pulling my pants off with the other, somewhere I got a crazy burst of energy, I started pushing and pulling, trying everything I could, I was in a rage, for a couple seconds. I thought I might be able to fight him off, I was in that much of a rage, I got my body up a few times but he just kept pushing me back down and holding me. I couldn’t get up again so I started to move; pushed my feet into the bed, and started to frantically move my hip area up and down so he wouldn’t be able to get my pants off.
He wasn’t easing off, he kept trying. This went on for some time, it looked like he was finding it hard but wasn’t stopping. He was getting my pants down further and further, I started to really struggle, and I was getting tired. Eventually I gave up. I was beat, and my body relaxed as I had no energy left. When I did so the pleasured look came on his face, and he said to me, "That's the good boy."
I felt really dirty with my pants down again, but this time more so than before as it felt really perverted when he said, 'That's the good boy.'
It felt like he thought I relaxed my body to let him at me, I hadn’t anything left in me to fight anymore.
He punched me repeatedly, I could feel his fist hitting bone between my legs and it wasn’t really sore at first but as he kept punching it started to get sore.
He left the room shouting, "He's like a demon! He's like a demon!"
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Chapter 4 - Devil in the House I couldn’t hear anybody, only my father going around the house calling me a demon. I felt like my mother and brothers were going to think that I was at fault.
Even at the young age of four I could see that he was trying to manipulate my family. That he had to beat me because I was a demon and did something wrong and he knew this time that my mother heard the struggle between myself and my father and needed to cover himself for this.
He left me feeling dirty, ashamed and feeling some sort of guilt, thinking maybe my mother fell for his manipulation and thinks I did something wrong, and that I didn’t want to go to bed for my father and that’s why there was a struggle in my bedroom.
From then on, every night he would do this and I fought the same; moving my hip area up and down frantically but I wouldn’t get away, and when I would give in and stop trying to fight it, he would say the same thing, "That's the good boy." every time this made me feel very uncomfortable.
*****************
The weekend had come and my brothers were off school and my uncle-in-law who was a Guard in the next town over came to visit. Declan, Colin and Philip were outside. They were allowed outside when visitors came, my father didn’t want people to know that he wouldn’t let us outside.
Myself and Deane were playing on the floor while my father talked to our relation at the table, my mother sat on the couch drinking tea.
All of a sudden my father got up off the chair in a rage and made a go for myself and Deane on the floor. He was furious, I thought he is going to kill myself and Deane, he stopped in front of us and started shouting "Be quiet ye cunts! I'll fucking kill ye!" straight away my uncle-in-law got up and said Michael come out here I want to talk you.
My father got very nervous and followed him out the back.
He must have quizzed my father and mother what was going, and I think my mother must have taken this chance to tell someone what was going on, it was the chance she was finally waiting for.
She knew that if she had gone to tell someone before this, he would kill her for going behind his back, and this time someone seen it for themselves, and it was a person of the law.
Some days later the Guard had come to the house and he must have told my father to go somewhere and then he and my mother called myself and my brothers to come to the sitting room as we had to be told something very important.
The five of us came to the sitting room and my mother told us nicely to sit down, with the Guard standing beside her. I knew that it was going to be something regarding my father, she said really slowly and clearly, 'We are moving ye all to Cork and we are going to live with your Aunt Pearl and Frank.' I felt very sad. I thought it was just myself and my brothers, then she said myself and yourselves are going to live in Cork and yer father is staying here. I felt relief and thought of our mother looking after us, she was so nice to us. I said to myself, 'It's finally over.' I felt saved and I thought about my father living by himself, I don’t know why I felt some sort of sadness for him.
My mother said to us, 'Do ye feel ok about that boys?' we all replied 'Yeah' and our mother seemed to be very happy that we were ok with moving, and said we are organising to move 22
Chapter 4 - Devil in the House us down in the next couple days, 'Ye are ok so.' she said and left the room with the Guard.
My mother had been outside talking to the Guard for some time, hours, and no sign of our father.
Later on in the day my mother and the Guard came into the house and asked Declan to get myself and Deane as they wanted to talk to us.
Declan found us in the hallway and said, 'Ye have to go to the sitting room. Ye are wanted.'
so we went to the sitting room where my mother and the Guard stood earlier, and asked us to sit down, so myself and Deane sat on the floor.
Our mother said, what we were talking about earlier, moving away, we just want to make sure ye are all right with moving. 'Deane. Are u ok with it?' and he nodded his head, then she said, 'Maurice. Are u ok about moving?' and I nodded my head like Deane.
She said, 'That's good boys.' and seemed relieved that myself and Deane were fine with it.
She just wanted to make sure as myself and Deane were very young and thought we needed to be told again and that we might not have fully understood what was going on.
She and the Guard left. My mother looked happy, I felt even better again, thinking this is really happening. I felt that the Guard fixed everything and from now on everything was going to be ok.
That day I played with Deane, feeling free and free to play, and if our father comes in he won't be able to do anything to us now that the Guard knew what he was doing to us and probably told him not to beat us anymore.
The following day or days our mother called us all to the sitting room, she wanted to talk to us, she had something to say to us.
We all came to the sitting room, our mother had been standing in the same place where she and the Guard had told us about the move to Cork.
We sat down on the floor, I didn’t know what it was going to be about, she said, 'We are not moving to Cork. We are going to stay here.' she didn’t seem herself.
I didn’t know what to feel. I was disappointed, thinking, 'Why aren’t we going? I thought
'I'm stuck here', I said to myself, 'I’m just going to have to put up with the beatings, but maybe it might be ok now that the Guard might have frightened him into leaving us alone.' I felt a bit nervous as I didn’t really know what way things were going to be, thinking, 'Is he going to continue to beat me, or is he going to leave me alone now?' My mother left the room looking disappointed, she probably felt like she let us down, as our mother would do anything for us, but she had been manipulated by our father to pull the plug on moving to Cork and had been threatened in numerous ways if she didn’t.
I couldn’t tell what way my brothers took it, they said nothing, they were always quiet anyway, our father had put so much fear into them, I’m sure they were probably very disappointed as they really feared our father.
For us it was back to kneeling on the hard floor every evening saying prayers and living in fear of our father. In the evenings and the weekends when my brothers were off from school, our father had started to let us go outside, which was a relief for us even though we were conditioned to being in the house all the time. It was great to be finally let outside and not under the watchful eye of our father.
*********************
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Chapter 4 - Devil in the House One day he had said to my brothers, "I’m going down the fields. Ye are to come as well."
My mother was in the kitchen making dinner, my brothers started to follow him and I went to follow my brothers thinking that I was to go as well, when he turned and said to me, "Where the fuck do you think ur going? Stay there you little fucker!" getting in to a bit of a rage and spit coming from his lips.
He turned around and walking out the door he said to my mother still with anger in his voice, "Keep that cunt here!" and went out the door with my brothers following him.
I didn’t really feel left out because I knew I was safe while he was gone and I was left with my mother who was very nice to me.
I was a bit bored while they were gone, there was nobody to play with or talk to but I knew I was safe where I was with my mother, which made me happy.
My mother talked to me whenever she could, always asking was I ok, but she was busy making dinner so she couldn’t be with me all the time.
I ran around the house by myself, and my mother checking on me whenever she could.
Sometime later my father and my brothers had come back, my brothers didn’t come in they were taking advantage of being allowed outside, I was in the sitting room when my father walked past my mother in the kitchen and came in to me in a rage with his fists clinched, shouting at me, "You little fucker! You little cunt! I had a right to fucking kill ya you cunt."
I stood there looking at him as he was getting more and more angry, I remember saying to myself, he really hates me, and I hate him, I could sense that he didn’t like that my mother treated me so well or something like that.
I stood there and didn’t move just looking at him in a rage shouting all sorts, he made a couple lunges forwards as to go for me but I didn’t move, he eventually turned around and walked towards the kitchen still cursing and calling me a cunt.
This continued, he would bring my brothers places and leave me behind, and on return he would shout abuse at me and call me names in front of my brothers trying to get them to laugh at me, they never did but my father would try and make a fool out of me any chance he would get.
*****************
Every year we would all go to Knock to pray. It was a very religious place with many churches on the one ground and was a two hour drive from our house.
One of our cousins from Cork had been staying with us over night for a week and was to make the journey to Knock with myself and my brothers and we all crowded in together in the back of the car with my parents up front.
Nor myself or the rest of my brothers particularly enjoyed going to Knock but we didn’t have any choice as my parents were very holy, with my mother’s uncle and aunt being involved in the church, one being a priest and the other a nun, but for me it was a day without abuse so there was something really good about the day for me.
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Chapter 4 - Devil in the House All day I was walking around the grounds after my parents as they followed the many people walking around in a big circle on the grounds saying prayers and when that part was over there was a break before mass was said in the many churches on the grounds.
Myself and my brothers were told that we could go wherever we wanted but had to meet up at the front of the churches in a half hour so we took advantage and walked around the place looking at the holy statutes and many other things on the grounds.
After the half hour we met with our parents and my brothers and our cousin didn’t want to go into the church and discussed this with our parents. My father had been quiet and said nothing and I had thought, he's only being nice in front of our cousin and had not told us that we had to come into the church.
'Sur ye can come in after a while if ye want.' said my mother when Philip burst out laughing knowing that they were not going to go into the church at any stage and knowing our mother would only want for us, what we wanted.
My mother said, 'Sur go on all of ye and I'll mind Maurice because ye might lose him.' I didn’t want to go into the church either but I knew my mother was bringing me for my own good as the place was so big with so many people it would be very easy for me to get lost if my brothers didn’t mind me properly so my brothers and cousin hit off with delight on their faces and I went into the church with my mother and father.
The priest started mass and I became very bored quickly thinking I’d rather be with my brothers outside. After some time I really needed to go to the toilet and had told my mother that I needed to go and she said to my father that she was going to bring me out to the toilet when he said, "Sure can't he hold it until mass is over?" with my mother turning to me asking, 'How bad do you have to go?' and I told her I needed to go right away. 'He has to go right away.' she said to my father .
"Can't he go by himself" he said, "He will have you gone for ages and you will miss what the priest is saying." and he had got somewhat angry saying this to my mother.
My mother then told me to go right outside the door and not go any further and come right back, I could see that my mother was really worried about me getting lost and repeated a few times what I was to do, just go out the back and no further and come straight back and I jumped from her lap and went to the outside of the seat where I looked at how far down we were sitting from the door to work out how to get back and not get lost and then went to the back door.
At the back door there was a lot of glass and I could see right into the church but I didn’t want to go to the toilet at the back doors of the church as there was so many people that could see me. I really needed to go and I knew I needed to find a place right away but I was really worried about going to the right or left of where I was as there were many sections that looked the same and I could not identify anything different from the one where my mother was to any of the other.
I seen a wall to the left and I started to walk backwards and not let my eyes away from where I had to enter to get back to my mother. I went to the toilet quickly and on my way back I had lost track of the part of the church that I needed to enter and I panicked taking a rough guess of where to enter and headed in walking down past the rows of seats hoping I would see where my mother had been sitting.
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Chapter 4 - Devil in the House To my delight I spotted her and the panic was over. the priest continued with mass and again later through the mass I felt I needed to go again and I had told my mother once again where she said, 'Just do the same as last time and come back.'
'Can you come with me?' I said to her telling her I nearly got lost the last time where again she had said to my father that she was going with me telling him that I said I nearly got lost the last time where my father got angry and lent over to me telling me, "Go out to the end of the seat and piss against the wall if you don’t want to get lost." with the anger turning to a big grin as he told me.
'Stop!' my mother said to him where he got angry which was somewhat controlled only with the amount of people sitting beside us and quietly but aggressively said to my mother,
"Well if he doesn’t he'll probably go outside and get lost." and with this he had manipulated my mother in to letting him get his way and again with a big grin on his face he told me to go out to the wall and piss up against it.
I started to think, 'Is it all right to go to the toilet in the church in front of these people?'
because my father said so, or is he making a fool of me trying to embarrass me as I thought there was something suspicious about that grin on his face as I turned and went past the people to the end of the seat looking around thinking, 'This is not right. I can’t go to the toilet against the wall in the church.'
I looked in past the people and seen that my mother and father had been looking straight ahead to the altar and thought maybe my father is not making a fool of me, he was looking the other way without the grin on his face. I turned to the wall and opened the zip on my pants. I felt really embarrassed and did not want to go through with it but I did not want to go outside again thinking I will definitely get lost this time if I do.
There had been air holes in the wall and I decided I would go to the toilet in one of them and I tried to reach by going on my tiptoes, I knew I needed to start to go as it was difficult to stay on my tiptoes and I started to go as I thought of all of the people looking at me still wondering was this right or wrong as I came back down off my toes, not able to keep myself up with wee going onto the wall as I turned to see was this ok, and seen my father grinning from ear to ear and quickly realised that my father had tricked me and I did not go back on my tiptoes I just finished by peeing up against the wall asking myself, 'What must all the people in the church be thinking?' as I pulled up the zip on my pants watching the wee flow down the church.
My father had got a big thrill from what he had done and just as we all packed into the car to hit for home. My father turned and gave money to our cousin and said to him to go in to the shop and get yourself some sweets and when you come back out don’t share the sweets with them cunts. My father had made a fool of me in the church during the day and at the end of the day he had made a fool of us all in front of our cousin.
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Chapter 5 - Some Kind of Life Chapter 5
Some Kind Of Life..
"We are going to die tonight!"
AGE: 5 to 6 years old
Corruption and bad grooming, beginnings of learned behaviour, daily routine of rat poisoning, threats of killing the family, continued nightly physical abuse and torture, drownings in a barrel.
.
On the weekends my parents would go to the local pubs, and granny and grandad would come and babysit myself and my brothers and when my grandparents could not come to our home to babysit us, my parents would bring us with them to the pub.
I enjoyed going to the pub as it was away from the abuse of my father, there was a room with a pool table and video games and myself and my brothers spent a lot of time in that room, I watched my older brothers playing pool and playing video games, my oldest brother would lift me up so I could see the screen while people played the games.
Our parents started to bring us to the pubs more and more as it was very hard for my grandparents to come and mind us, they lived miles away.
When we would get to the pub my father would get a large bottle of seven up for myself and my brothers, he would always be nice to us when other people would be looking.
We spent most of our time in the pool room, and sometimes I would go to the lounge to be with my mother, I would ask my mother for some of her drink, and she would say, 'I can’t give it to you. It's alcohol. It will make u sick.' I would keep asking her, and eventually she would give in, my mother never wanted to say no to me, she was really kind hearted. She would say, 'Only a small sip now Maurice.' I would take the sip, and then she would take it from me and say nicely, 'That’s all I can give you. If you drink any more it will make you sick.'
When my uncle and aunts would come to the pubs with us, I would spend more time with them in the lounge as I really liked my uncles and aunts. I had been with them in the lounge one night when I asked my father could I take a drink of his Guinness, I thought he would get mad and say no, as he was so strict with me and my brothers.
To my surprise he said happily, "Go on! Sure." I picked up his half-finished pint of his Guinness and started to slowly drink from it, that pleasured look came on my father’s face.
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Chapter 5 - Some Kind of Life I thought why is he so nice to me letting me drink his pint, I thought he was putting on a show in front of everybody, pretending to like me, but with that pleasured look on his face, something felt not right, as my father was smiling. I kept supping from the pint, then he started to laugh and made no attempt to stop me, when my mother stepped in and said
'That's enough Maurice!' and took my father’s drink and left it down. Nobody was saying anything as my father continued to laugh with that pleasured look on his face.
What I found out later in life, he had been letting me drink his alcohol in the hope I would get sick, and that is what he wanted to see, he got great pleasure in seeing me suffer.
This would continue on pub nights, he would let me drink the alcohol and sit there laughing with a pleasured look on his face.
In the pool room there was lots of boys the same age as myself and we started to get to know each other as we had been going into the town almost every weekend.
One of the boys had dared me to hit one of the other boys, and without hesitation I went over to this boy and punched him in the stomach, the boy didn’t hit me back, he was shocked at what I did to him for no reason, I felt really bad after doing it.
That boy became one of my closest friends to date, and what I found out later in life, I had done to that boy what my father was doing to me at home, punching me in the stomach repeatedly night after night after night.
*********************
My parents started to visit friends and relations a lot and brought myself and Deane with them and left the rest of my brothers at home who at this stage were old enough to mind themselves at home, but weren’t capable of looking after myself and Deane, Deane who was now six and a half and I had got in to my fifth year.
I enjoyed going visiting with my parents, everyone we visited were very nice and were good to myself and Deane.
My father wouldn’t make any effort to talk or come near myself and Deane while visiting, but he would hide his anger and hatred for us, pretending to be a good father.
We had been going to our uncle's a lot, to my mother’s brother who lived in the house where my mother was raised by my grandparents.
We went there more than anywhere else as it was my mother’s home place and my grandparents lived there with my uncle and his wife and three children.
Every time we visited my uncle he would bring myself and my brothers for a spin in his car.
We had come there one day and my uncle's wife said to us, 'ur uncle bought a new car and when he gets back from town he will bring ye for a spin in it'. I got really excited and so did everybody else and we couldn’t wait until Matty got back to see his new car. We were all looking out the window into the long driveway, waiting for uncle to come back. He finally came down the road and turned in the driveway. I seen a lovely blue-coloured car coming down the driveway, we all ran through the house and out the back to see the new car.
Uncle pulled up, got out and said, 'Do ye like my new car!' We all said 'Yeah.' and asked him was he going to bring us for a spin, he said, 'Of course I am, everybody get in.' he said.
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Chapter 5 - Some Kind of Life We all piled in. I was sitting on my brothers knees looking out between the front seats, I was really excited as my uncle slowly drove off, he would speed up and then slow down and then speed up again and slow down, he knew this excited us, when he would slow down we would say, 'Do it again Matty! Do it again!' and he always would.
It was a very happy time for myself and my brothers and on many occasions while being in the car with my brothers and my uncle, I said to myself, 'Why can’t our father be like our uncle?' everybody was relaxed in the company of my uncle. It was a big change from being in the company of our father as I never seen my brothers as happy while they were away from him.
Uncle and his wife had invited my parents to their house one night for a few drinks, and brought myself and Deane with them, Declan, Colin and Philip stayed at home.
Myself and Deane went in to granny and granddad's room where they lay down reading the papers talking to them. Then we would go into the middle room where our mother slept when she was young, our mother would always show us the room where she slept growing up. Myself and Deane liked to go into this room as it was where our mother slept when she was our age. We went into this room and in to talk to granny and grandad all night, going from one room to the other.
Later in the night myself and Deane had gone down stairs and into the room opposite to where our parents were talking to our uncle and his wife and my other uncle who lived next door. As we played in the room I heard loud talking that was getting louder and louder, when my mother had come in to us and said to us, 'Cone on lads! We are going home' and hurried us out the door and into the car. I knew something was wrong as we sat in the car, our mother ran back inside, after a few seconds. I heard shouting coming from the house and then my mother came out pulling my father to the car. They both got in and my father started the car and drove out the driveway.
I didn’t really know why my mother rushed us out the door and made our father drive off.
As we drove down the road there was silence between my mother and father, after a few minutes driving down the road, my mother said to my father, 'What were you at arguing about politics, they could have killed you.' referring to my two uncles, when he jammed on the breaks while also pulling the hand break. The car was coming to a near standstill when my mother opened the door and went to jump out as the car was just slightly moving coming to a stop. Deane started roaring crying, my father made a move as to attack my mother, but as she was half out of the car door and the car had come to a complete stop he sat back in his seat. When my mother seen this she got back in, then my father continued to drive home, Deane was in an awful state still bawling crying.
I remember feeling sad for my mother and more sad for Deane, as we drove down the road.
I remember saying to myself 'I’m going to kill him, when I get older. I’m going to kill him!'
I felt a lot of anger and that’s the moment I really started to hate my father.
From then on my father had stopped my mother from going to visit her brothers.
***************
In the mornings my father started to make the porridge for myself and my brothers, it was unusual as my mother had always made it for us while my father would get the cows ready 29
Chapter 5 - Some Kind of Life for milking. Now my mother had to get the cows prepared for milking and my father looked after us with the breakfast.
We sat on the couch in the mornings and our father would call us one by one into the kitchen for our bowl of porridge, we never had anything else but a bowl of porridge in the morning. He called my brothers and they went into the kitchen, got their porridge and came back in with it and started to eat it at the table when my father called me to the kitchen for my bowl of porridge.
I went into the kitchen where my father had been stirring my bowl with a spoon, "It's nearly ready now." he said. He was being very nice, it was very unusual, it wasn’t often he would be nice, mostly he would only be nice towards me when friends and relations were around. I thought he is only being nice to me because he is feeding me, he never deprived us of food.
As I waited for my father to stir my porridge I seen the package of porridge and beside it a spoon and the bag of rat poison. We had seen the bag of poison a lot around the place as we were plagued with rats, we would see our father often setting it out to kill the mice, he would set the poison and then leave the bag of poison in the shed after.
It wasn’t unusual to see the bag of poison from time to time, but my father would always leave it back in the shed when he was finished setting it out for the mice to eat it.
It felt very strange seeing the bag of poison right beside the porridge bag, but when my father stopped stirring, I took the bowl and joined my brothers at the table.
Shortly my father came in and sat at the top of the table, he folded his arms, lent on the table and started looking straight at me, I looked at my food and started to eat, I could see out of the corner of my eye that my father was still staring at me, he wasn’t saying a word, which was unusual, usually when we would be eating our food he would be shouting, "Ye should only get bread and water ye cunts." repeatedly.
It felt uncomfortable as I knew he was staring at me, I looked up at him and I seen that he had that pleasured look on his face and he was smiling, he was staring straight at me, he didn’t take his eyes off me.
He was grinning like crazy, I thought, 'Is he smiling at me because he is going to beat me or is he smiling now because he decided to like me?' I was very confused to why he was grinning and smiling, again thinking maybe he is smiling about the beating he is going to give me later or is things all right between us now, 'Does he like me? Is this why he is smiling?'
I continued to eat my porridge, every now and again looking up at my father, I felt there is something going on why is he still staring at me, and not looking at any of my brothers, it felt very awkward. Later on that day I felt unwell, and the following day or days I started to get bad nose bleeds throughout the day. The bleeds were bad, and my father would say,
"Put ur head up and hold it there until the blood stops." I worried a lot when it would happen, there was lots of blood and it took ages for it to stop.
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Chapter 5 - Some Kind of Life The bleeds started to happen very frequently, and my mother got worried and said to my father, 'We will have to bring Maurice to the doctor.' and he replied, "It's only nose bleeds he's getting, doctor my arse, sure there’s nothing he could do for nose bleeds anyway, put his head back when it happens and he will be all right." So my mother didn’t bring me as she was afraid to go against my father’s advice.
The coming days, weeks and months, I was feeling very unwell, and the nose bleeds were happening frequently, and my father refused to bring me to the doctor, manipulating my mother into not bringing me to the doctor any time she said that I needed to see a doctor for the bleeds. Then Deane started to get the bleeds, I felt bad for him as now he was getting bleeds like I was. This continued for some time months maybe even years and our father never wanted to bring myself and Deane to the doctor, every time manipulating my mother saying they will be all right, sure they are only nosebleeds.
... (In 2013 when for the first time since the abuse, myself and my brother Colin started to talk about our obscure and twisted childhood. I had kept it locked away from everyone for thirty six years before myself and Colin spoke.
One of the first things he had said to me about it was, regarding my father, he said, 'Do you want to know what he was putting in ur porridge when you were very young?' Instantly I knew, I thought of my father staring across the table at me with that pleasured look that made me feel somewhat aware that something was wrong, and I thought of the bag of rat poison that I seen in the kitchen on the counter beside my father when he was stirring my porridge.
I knew but I said, 'What?' and Colin replied with a very serious look on his face, 'He was putting rat poison in ur porridge. I seen him putting it in ur porridge and he was staring right at you while you were eating the porridge.
The sick bastard!' I knew by his tone that it was sincere and when he said that my father was staring right over the table at me, I knew that he had seen exactly what I remembered at the table.
I said to Colin, 'I remember he was staring right at me and didn’t move his eyes away from me.' And again in very serious tone Colin replied, 'yeah and he was waiting for you to drop dead at the table. The sick bastard!'
I said, "Wasn’t he sitting at the top of the table, staring at me?' Colin replied,
'Yeah, he had his arms folded leaning on the table.' I said, 'That's exactly what I remember.' Colin replied, 'Yeah, staring into your eyes waiting for you to get fucked up.' And said, 'I didn’t eat my porridge, I was too afraid, but the auld lad didn’t care as long as you were eating yours, and you loved ur porridge.'
I said, 'I remember it well. There is a lot of it I can’t rightly remember, but I can remember very clearly him staring across the table at me and I remember seen the bag of poison in the kitchen when he used to call me out for the porridge, I’m not surprised, I know better than anyone how sick that man is!'
I said.
It wasn’t in any way a shock to hear this as I knew how twisted my father was, and said to Colin, 'That would be him all right, sure he is capable of anything.'
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Chapter 5 - Some Kind of Life and Colin replied, 'He's the sickest bastard on the planet, that’s what he done to you.'
It was like talking about the weather to me as I knew what my father was capable of and the sick, twisted things he done to me. 'Yeah, he is a serious sick bastard all right.' I said, when Colin replied, 'When I seen him poisoning you, that’s when I knew how sick he really was, I was older than you and I could see what he was doing, I was afraid to eat the porridge, I thought you were going to die, the sick bastard!'
I said, 'Yeah, he's sick, he done things to me in the room that I couldn’t really tell anyone, they would hardly believe it.' Colin looked at me and said, 'I don’t ever want to know what he did to you in the room because of what it would do to my head.' referring to what it would do to his mind.
I had fully believed in everything Colin was telling me, especially when he could describe exactly the way I remember my father acting at the table, but I was confused as to why I didn’t die from the poison and had said to Colin,
'How did I not die from the poison?'
He said, 'It was the first thing I researched when I started medical school, and the nose bleeds are consistent with rat poisoning and you were getting nose bleeds all the time.'
Thinking I wouldn’t remember I said, 'Yeah the nose bleeds were happening all the time.' 'And that’s what rat poison does to humans.' he said.
'I thought rat poison would kill you straight away' I asked him, when he said,
'It depends on how much of it you consume. He wasn’t giving you enough to kill ya, he probably thought he was giving you enough, I seen him crushing it with a spoon in the kitchen.'
'I can somehow remember seen the spoon beside the bag of poison.' I said.
'Isn’t he some man I joked.' where again Colin referred to him being the sickest bastard in the world.
As I had known for more than thirty years how sick my father was, I just started talking about something else and didn’t think about the conversation myself and Colin had for the rest of the day. I learned soon after, myself and Martin's conversation that my father probably didn’t intend on killing me with the poison and his intention was to make me sick from it as he did so he could get a great amount of pleasure from watching me suffer from the sickness of the poison.
As well as every day touching the sore bumps on my head from the hits of the poker, the nose bleeds and generally not feeling well continued as a result of the poisoning.)...
Morning time had come and my brothers were off school for the weekend.
I had been lying in bed waiting for everyone to get up, I heard my father getting up, he was always the first to get up, I heard him coming down the hallway and he stopped and pushed in the half open door in my room. I wondered, 'What does he want? He never came in to me in the mornings, only my mother would come in to me in the mornings.
He is going to beat me maybe, I thought. He pushed out the door really gently and started to walk towards me with a grin on his face, I started to feel dirty as I then thought he was going to pull the blanket off of me. He leaned in close to my ear and whispered, "Ye are all 32
Chapter 5 - Some Kind of Life going to die this evening. You and your mother and the rest of them, I’m going to kill ye all. When I have the jobs I’m going to come in and kill ye all." he was grinning like crazy.
He then left quietly.
I don’t remember the thought I had until everyone had got up. I didn’t get up when my mother asked me to, I stayed in my room. My brothers had been up for a while when I got up and got dressed, after I got dressed I started to feel really sad, remembering what my father had said, he was going to kill us all this evening.
I sat at the side of the bed for some time feeling very sad knowing that me and my family were going to die. I never felt sadness like it, I thought of my mother and my brothers not knowing they were going to die, and what they were going to have to go through this evening and what we were all going to go through.
I went out of the room, I was overwhelmed with sadness as I walked to the sitting room door, the door was half opened, I looked in and seen Declan there doing something at the window, he had been in the room by himself.
He didn’t see me and I got very emotional and wanted to tell him that we were going to die this evening. I tried to say it to him but when I did I started to cry a bit, so I stopped and walked back into the hallway. I really wanted to say it to him, but I didn’t want him to see me upset, I waited in the hall for a few more seconds and pushed back the tears and tried not to be emotional and step back into the sitting room again. Declan still didn’t see me, I tried to say it again and I couldn’t once again, I got very emotional and nearly started to cry, I really wanted to say it, I was convinced, I wouldn’t be able to say it without starting to cry. I took a deep breath and called out for Declan as he was looking out the window, and he turned around, I was choking with tears trying to keep them down, 'We are all going to die!' I said. I was really sad. Declan walked over to me and said, 'What’s wrong?
What’s wrong?' he put his hands around me and again saying 'What’s wrong? What’s wrong?' I replied, 'We are all going to die!' he was really caring, and said, 'u'll be all right, u’ll be all right.' he kept holding me.
'He’s going to kill us.' I said. Declan then said to me, 'I won’t let him at you, he won’t come at you when I’m with you. I'll stay with you for the day and he won’t come near you.' I was glad I had told Declan, it was nice that he wanted to protect me, but I was still convinced that when the evening came we were all going to die.
Declan brought me to the couch and put me lying on it, and said, 'I’m going to lie here on the outside and he won’t come near you.' so Declan lay on the couch and put his arm around me and said, 'When he comes in, I won’t let him near you.'
We laid there after that in silence, I felt a bit safe with Declan beside me, but I knew he wouldn’t be able to stop my father. As we lay there, I felt so sad, I had excepted that my father was going to kill us all and that this was the last day we were going to be alive.
I was overwhelmed with anxiety and sadness, I wasn’t able to talk, I was in a state, where I didn’t want to talk, I just lay there staring at the ceiling, wanting time to go slow. I kept hoping time would go slow, thinking it, and thinking it, and thinking it over and over. As time went on I was hoping Declan would stick to his word and stay beside me all day like he said. I started to get a small bit of hope, thinking maybe Declan might be able to somehow prevent us all from dying, but the greater thought was when the evening came our father was going to kill us all.
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Chapter 5 - Some Kind of Life Declan kept his arm around me and I stared at the ceiling, motionless with a huge amount of sadness. Even though brought up in a house of prayer, I never thought of going to heaven, I just kept thinking this is me and my family’s last day. I kept and kept thinking about our last day. It made me so sad, but I had in some way accepted that this was the end. I heard the back door open, I got very nervous, but I remembered how my father had said he was going to do this when he came in, in the evening.
To my delight I heard my mother coming up behind us and saying, 'What are ye doing there, in a nice manner?' Declan didn’t answer her, I was still locked in silence.
'Is Maurice asleep?' she said as she looked in at me, she seen that my eyes were open, Declan again didn’t answer our mother and I was still unable to talk, staring at the ceiling.
She grew suspicious as to why we didn’t answer her, we always answered our mother. She kept looking at me, I didn’t want her to know what was going on. She then slowly walked off, looking confused, but had a smile on her face as she seen Declan with his hand around me, assuming we were just relaxing on the couch.
We stayed on the couch as our mother was preparing dinner, with my mother’s presence in the house I felt a bit better, but still very sad and unable to talk.
Suddenly my father came in, I wasn’t afraid as I still recalled saying that it was the evening that he was going to kill us all.
He walked past myself and Declan on the couch, I could see his head turn to the right and quickly look in at me and then look away as he made for the hallway door. On return he had a clear look at me as he walked through the sitting room and into the kitchen.
I have no recollection of the rest of the day after that. My father had purposely done this to mess with my mind and drag me down and he had glanced at me when he passed through the sitting room where myself and Declan lay on the couch, to see had he achieved what he had set out to do since morning, To see me hurt, this pleasured him.
The physical and mental torture was occurring so often, I again in some way accepted that I had to go through this. It felt like I was living two lives. Playing during the day like a normal child, and trying to be a man in the evenings, to survive the abuse at the hands of my father. Taking the abuse in my bedroom and just turning over and going to sleep like a normal father reading his son a bedtime story before sleep.
But to be picked up out of my bed late one night by my father, he had come in, in the middle of the night and picked me up and started to carry me out of the room, I wondered what is he doing, where is he bringing me as I nodded off and on, as he carried me into the hallway, I was in his arms like a grown up would hold a baby, he started to walk fast, I was half asleep, I thought I would bang my head off the wall as he turned the corner at the end of the hall, I thought, 'What’s going on?' as I fell asleep.
Later on I had woke lying face down on the parlour floor, it was a room that we never used, and had been very cold as there was never a fire lit there.
When I woke I got a bit scared and got up as quick as I could and ran back in to my bedroom and fell asleep.
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Chapter 5 - Some Kind of Life This continued very often, what seemed like every night, I would be picked out of my bed late into the night by my father, every time worrying that I was going to bang my head off the corner of the turn in the hallway, and waking later on the floor in the parlour.
Later in life I discovered from hospital reports that I had been admitted to hospital at two and a half years with pneumonia and nearly died while there.
And after this my father had been exposing me to the cold by carrying me out of my room late into the night and leaving me in a cold room on a cold floor, and probably had been exposing me to cold conditions like this that caused the hospital stay with pneumonia that nearly ended my life. I also learned that the physical abuse was probably present at that time, before I could even remember.
As the year went on my parents started to socialise a lot more, going to the pub, visiting friends and attending the holy stations held in neighbours houses in the surrounding area.
They were very happy times for me as I liked all of the people that lived in the area and they treated me very well, but most of all for me it was away from the abuse.
What I had learned later in life is that, I held on to the good memories and suppressed not all but some of the bad ones.
Evening had come, my father had came in to my room, punched me repeatedly in the stomach, again I fought frantically but he once again won over me and got my pants down, started to punch me between the legs for some time, then he pulled what I know now to be a vice-grips and pliers and left them down on the bed beside him, I didn’t know what he was doing, I thought that to myself are they in his way in his pocket, when he picked up one of them and said to me, "You better not fucking shout or I'll fucking kill ya!" He started to pinch me between the legs with the pliers, I felt tremendous pain, I started to hold my breath.
I have no memory after that, but this continued as I remember on many other occasions, he would use the pliers and then switch to the vice-grips, back and over, while torturing me in my private parts. I have some recollection of some of the pinches from the tools my father used on me, I remember tremendous excruciating pain, I know I didn’t shout after he had told me not to, otherwise he would kill me, and I would continue to not shout while in pain with great difficulty, I don’t remember him leaving or what way I felt after he left.
My father was truly sadistic and had tortured me in this area as he knew that, that area would cause me the most pain. In the mornings after a night of beatings and torture by my father, my mother would often come down the hallway right after my father had gone outside, she would say, 'Are you ok?' and I always replied, 'Yeah', as she then rushed to get things ready to please my father.
My mother had grown worried about what my father was doing to me in the room, she had no idea to the extent of what my father was doing to me, she had been manipulated by my father, that I was bold and didn’t want to go to bed and that’s why he spent so much time in my room, trying to put me to bed, but she was suspicious and suspected that there might be more to it than she thought, so she told me that she was putting Colin sleeping with me from now on.
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Chapter 5 - Some Kind of Life Colin hadn’t been in my room a night or two when I started to push him out of the bed with my legs, I got very aggressive with him so much to the point he got afraid of me, and would go back to sleeping in with Declan again, my mother kept asking Colin to go in with me, and I kept pushing him out.
This continued for some time and eventually Colin, would not come back even when asked by my mother. My mother’s plan to save me had failed.
Later in life I found out that I kept kicking Colin out as I thought he would get the same treatment in the room as I was getting.
********************
My mother’s brother had started to come to our house and pulled up outside, he didn’t come in. My mother would go outside and on to the road, I looked out the window, they were in deep conversation for some time, I knew that my father had stopped my mother from going to see her brothers after the argument my father had with them in their house.
I thought that my father didn’t want uncle coming into the house, but I grew suspicious as to the length of the conversation and they didn’t seem to laugh, they were talking about something serious.
Uncle had come day after day, looking out the window I thought, maybe uncle is trying to get us out of here and that’s why they won’t come into the house because they don’t want my father to hear what they were planning.
Some days later my mother disappeared, I don’t recall who told me that my mother had gone home with her brothers to the house where she grew up.
Me and my brothers didn’t get saved, as my father wouldn’t let my mother take us away with her because he knew that she would have no reason to return if she had myself and my brothers with her.
That night I lay in bed very sad that my mother had gone away, I felt left behind, but I kept saying to myself, 'She is saved, and now she can be happy that she is away from it all.'
I kept thinking of her lying in her old bedroom, wondering, 'Is she happy there? Is she happy where she is?' Is she missing me and my brothers?' I was hoping she wouldn’t be feeling sad, I felt happy for her that she got to get away and hoped that she would be happy with her new life back home, I felt lonely without her but I accepted that she had to go. I wouldn’t wish her back to the abuse, I was so glad she got away from my father.
The following morning my father had brought my brothers to school, I got up to an empty house, my mother was not there for the first time, I felt really lonely but I knew I had to get on with life now without a mother.
My father came back and started to get ready for milking the cows, he did not come into the house, I was without a mother and I was now without a breakfast as my father did not prepare anything for me, he came back and went to work outside.
After my father finished milking the cows I had been outside, he seen me and called me,
"Come here! I want ya." he said, I wondered what he wanted with me and replied, 'What?'
when he said with anger, "Come here a minute! I want ya."
I walked towards him wondering what does he want of me, I stopped a bit away from him, he got a bit angry saying, "Come here I said!" I came a bit closer but again stopped away from him.
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"Come over here beside the barrel." he said, I walked over to the barrel that was full of water, I didn’t know what was going on, when he picked me up and hung me upside down, I knew he was going to put me in the barrel of water, my T-shirt came down over my head and my pants were coming down off my waist, he dangled me over the top of the barrel, I was afraid of him letting me go. I put my hands out to reach the outside of the barrel when I went under the water.
I panicked and started breathing and swallowing water, I thought, 'He's killing me! I’m going to die!!' I tried frantically to reach the outside of the barrel and push myself up out of the water, I couldn’t reach, I was sure I wouldn’t be able to get out of the barrel and that I would die there.
He then pulled me back up, I tried to breathe and I pushed my body to the side and got one hand on the outside of the barrel, I was afraid of falling, my pants were coming off, my father then hit a belt on my hand and I went under again.
I was under for some time swallowing water and thinking I was going to die, he pulled me back up and again trying to catch my breath and get my hands on to the outside of the barrel to stop from going under again. I reached the outside of the barrel and again my father hit my hand very hard and I went under.
He done this for some time, putting me under the water and pulling me out, over and over.
He then swung me over to the side and started to let me down onto my hands. When I got my hands onto the ground he let go of my legs, I came down hard on my hip, I started to feel very cold, I got up, pulled my T-shirt down that was up around my shoulders, my hip was very sore, I looked to the side and there was little pebble stones dug into my hip, I rubbed them out of my skin and pulled up my pants that was nearly down at my knees.
I couldn’t believe I was alive, I could barely breathe from the cold and the shock of what was after happening to me.
I felt defeated as I walked away and looked at my father who stood there grinning with a great sense of pleasure in his face, I walked towards the house, I felt very depressed with what was after happening to me, I again looked back at my father, and he still stood there with a big grin on his face as he watched me walk back towards the house soaking wet in shock, I felt like I had enough, I felt like just giving up.
I walked into my room and took off the wet clothes and slowly put on dry ones, I felt so bad, I had given up, I didn’t care to be alive anymore, my father had won, he had taken everything from me, my mother, my will to live, he had taken my soul away.
That day I walked around the house with no will to live, I was so depressed, it felt like things couldn’t get any worse.
That night I lay in bed after my father had got his pleasure from beating and torturing me, thinking about my mother, missing her and wondering and hoping was she happy, thinking of her laying in her old room, and hoping she was laying there happy, but I knew that she was probably sad, missing her sons.
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Chapter 5 - Some Kind of Life The following morning came and after my father had dropped my brothers to school and finished milking the cows, he started to call my name, when I heard him call I went out the back door and looked into the yard where I seen him standing beside the barrel of water.
I started to get short of breath, I panicked, and started to walk out into the yard, I walked slowly over to him, I knew what he wanted of me, and knew I was going in the barrel of water.
My father repeated what he had done to me the previous day, it was a nightmare! I didn’t know if I was going to die, each time my father put me under the water, I didn’t know if I was going to come back out. When he finally stopped, he threw me on the ground like an object, he had that pleasured face on him, grinning, he got what he wanted.
He done this day after day until eventually my mother had come home, and he had to stop as the barrel of water was within seeing distance of the kitchen window.
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