AGE: 5 to 6 years old
Threats, continual verbal and physical abuse, sickness from poisoning, broken arm, lies, intimidations and threats, nightly taken from bed and left on a cold floor, taken at night and abandoned in a mental hospital ward, injected with sedatives, cursing and foul language,
My mother had been gone about a week or so, I was delighted to see her come home, she was very quiet for some time when she returned, for some reason I thought that things might be different when my mother had come home, but things didn’t change. My father kicked off in the evenings, and kept beating and torturing me in the room, the nose bleeds continued and I started to get violently sick, puking all of the time from the poison.
My mother had come to me and said, 'You are starting school soon. How do you feel about that?' she said, I replied, 'Fine.' but I felt the opposite, I didn’t want to go to school.
On the days leading up to the start of school my mother would say, 'Only three days to go.'
and that made me nervous knowing any day now I have to go to school.
My brothers never complained about school but I really didn’t want to go.
I started to tell my mother that I didn’t want to go to school, and she would say nicely,
'Everyone has to go to school, ul be fine, ur brothers don’t mind going to school.'
The morning of my first day had come, my mother got my school bag ready, my brothers were getting ready and seemed happy but really felt I didn’t want to go.
When breakfast was over and everyone was ready, my mother told my brothers, 'Go and sit in the car and wait for yer father.' they then went to the car.
My mother asked me was I ok and I replied, 'Mommy I don’t want to go to school' she picked me up and sat on the couch, I was sitting on her knee, she started to move her knee up and down and reached in to her pocket and took out a bar of chocolate.
'This is for you if you go to school, but don’t tell your brothers I gave you this or they will be giving out that they didn’t get any.'
The chocolate didn’t help persuade me but I knew I had to go. I took the bar from my mother and she said, 'That’s the good lad. Put it in ur pocket and don’t lose it, and don’t let your brothers see it.'
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She then brought me to the car and put me in the back with my brothers and she got in the front, my brothers were talking to each other as we waited for our father to drive us there.
I wasn’t saying anything, I was really nervous thinking about my first day at school, my father finished what he was doing in the yard and hopped into the car and proceeded to drive up the road towards the school.
On the way I said to myself, 'Maybe it might be ok.' my brothers are laughing and joking and don’t seem to mind going to school.
We reached the gates of the school and my brothers got out and quickly went off to where they had to go, I said to my mother what do I do, she said I'll bring you in now, she got out and came round to my door and opened it and walked a few steps to the gate with me when my father shouted, "Leave em there!" when my mother said, 'I have to bring him in.'
my father got a bit angry saying to her, "I told ya to leave him there to fuck! Let him off the little cunt!" My mother got a bit scared and quickly said, 'Go up there, and go in that door and ul be fine.' and she hurried back to the car and my father drove off.
I seen all the other kids with their mother bringing them into the school, I went into the school and didn’t know where to go. I said to myself shouldn’t my mother be here showing me where to go like all the other mothers are doing, but my father had made her go home and leave me there by myself, I didn’t know what to do or where to go.
I slowly walked down the hallway as I watched mothers bringing their kids into their classrooms, when a woman that had left her child at the classroom door spotted me and shouted to the teacher, 'There’s a young boy out here on his own!' and then the teacher came out into the hallway and asked me my name, I told her my name and she said you’re in here in my classroom and brought me in and sat me down. I felt good when I had been settled in the classroom.
The teacher then introduced herself and started to tell us about school, I felt bored but I was happy that my first day wasn’t as bad as I thought, at the break the teacher brought myself and the other kids into the yard.
I played with the other kids and after the break the teacher told us that we would be going home soon, I was delighted to here I was going home and that we wouldn’t have any homework as we had just started school.
When school was over a woman from next door came to me and said who she was and that she was bringing me home, 'I’m bringing you home for your mother.' she said, and told me that her son James was in my class and that we were all going to go home together.
I waited at the door with my neighbour when her son came and I recognised him from class. I felt happy with them, the woman was really nice to me and I talked with her son on the way home. They dropped me off at home and the woman said to me I will be bringing you to school in the morning, I was happy about this.
I went in home and my mother asked me how I got on, I said, 'Fine.' and she said, 'Did Pauleen bring you home?' when I said with a smile, 'Yeah and James as well.'
'Leave your bag in your room and I'll have your dinner ready soon.' I ate my dinner and ran around the house until my brothers came home later from school.
I was happy when my brothers came home and I didn’t have to do homework like them, but couldn’t wait for them to be finished so that I would have someone to play with.
40
As the days went on I got more and more settled in school and I got to know all of the other kids in my class.
My mother would bring me to the other kids houses on the weekends to play and to their birthday parties, my mother was getting me away from the abuse every chance she could get and I now felt better knowing that there was more to life than the abuse that my father had conditioned me with and that a part of life was very positive.
But my father continued to beat and torture me at night time.
I was now living two lives, the one with my friend at school being happy and the other one in the hands of my evil father and his twisted ways that I still thought was part of life and that it was still something that I had to go through.
The evenings and weekends were really enjoyable, going to friends’ houses and playing with my brothers at home as my father never kept us inside anymore.
Myself and my brothers got up to all sorts, Declan would put the ladder up against the shed and we would take turns climbing up the ladder, I would wait for Declan and Philip to go up the ladder first and then I would climb up behind them, we loved to climb the ladder any chance we got.
Declan would set up the ladder after school and on the weekends.
The weekend had come and myself and my brothers had been outside climbing up the side of the shed, my father had seen us as he was working around the yard, but never said anything as he didn’t mind us climbing the shed.
My mother had asked our father to call us in for our dinner, he came around to the side of the shed and told us to go in for the dinner.
My brothers straight away obeyed our father and went for their dinner, I stayed there, I didn’t want to go inside yet.
I started to climb the ladder, I went up a few steps and came back down, I started to pick things up and put them back on the ground when my father came around the corner, he was a bit away from me, I thought I was going to have to go in for my dinner, but to my delight my father didn’t ask me to come inside, he stood there for a few seconds saying nothing and then he went back around the corner.
I started to climb the ladder again and came back down and started picking small stones from the ground when I saw out of the corner of my eye my father peeking his head around the corner of the shed, I said to myself, 'What is he doing?'
I looked at him and he was smiling, he then pulled his head back. As I continued to pick up stones from the ground I again seen my father peek his head around the corner, and again he was smiling, I knew he was up to something. Again his head disappeared around the corner and I continued doing what I was doing.
A few moments later I turned around to see my father standing at the corner of the shed, he was staring at me with a grin on his face, he made me very nervous as he stood there for some time not moving, staring me down with that pleasured look on his face.
I didn’t move, I was looking at him wondering what he was doing, did he want me for something.
He started to walk quickly to his right, he kept looking at me, I knew something wasn’t right, I was suspicious of what he was doing, when he bent down and picked up a thick plank of timber about five foot in length, I still had no idea what he was doing.
41
While still looking me in the eyes he quickly came towards me, I thought, 'What’s happening?' when he lifted the plank of wood that he was holding down by his side quickly around to the back and swung the plank with speed and force and hit me on the arm just below my shoulder. I felt tremendous pain, I knew with the pain and the violent nature that my father had hit me, that my arm was badly damaged.
I was shocked at what just happened, I was in such shock I didn’t let a roar when my father standing there for a few seconds with a big grin on his face getting pleasure seeing me in tremendous pain leaned in to my face and said in a bit of a panic, "ul fucking tell ur mother that you fell off the ladder!' I couldn’t believe what he was doing, I thought to myself, 'He is never going to stop.'
He ran around the side of the shed and started to call my mother, "Mary! Mary! Mary!"
When my mother heard him she must have come outside, when he said, "Bring around the car, Maurice fell off the ladder, we have to bring him to the hospital, his arm might be broke." acting to be in a panic.
I stood there still in shock, and in shock as to how far my father was willing to take things by shouting out, "Maurice fell off the ladder.." manipulating the situation and my mother.
I started to hold my arm, the pain was getting worse, my father quickly came back saying,
"ul fucking tell ur mother you fell off the ladder and if you go to hospital ul fuckin tell the doctors that you fell off the ladder and that’s that!" he said.
He then went over and stood at the corner of the shed in sight of my mother who was driving in the yard, he was acting to be in a panic, calling her by waiving his hand as to hurry her on. When my mother came around the corner my father went straight towards the car as my mother was stopping, he opened the back door of the car while saying to my mother, "He fell off the ladder climbing the shed, we'll have to bring him to the hospital.
Come on Maurice." my father said, "We’ll bring you to the hospital." I went over and when I was getting in with my father pretending to be gently helping me in, my mother looking worried asked me was I all right, I said, 'Yeah I am'. 'Is ur arm very sore?' she said and I replied, 'Yeah! it's very sore.'
'u'll be fine.' she said, 'were going to bring you to the hospital now and u'll be fine, don’t worry.' She turned to my father and said, 'Get the rest of them out to the car and hurry on.' My father went into the house to get my brothers who were eating their dinner.
My mother comforted me telling me I was going to be fine, saying, 'The minute your father gets your brothers out to the car we will be on the way into the hospital.'
My brothers came out of the house and made their way to the car, my mother got out of the driver’s seat and went around the other side to make way for our father who was going to do the driving. When my brothers got to the door of the car, my mother who was standing at the passenger door, said, 'Lads get in easy cos Maurice's hand is broken and put him sitting on yer lap.'
She got in and Declan opened the back door and said, 'Push into the middle and you can sit on my lap.' my father got in the driver’s seat, I moved in and then Declan came in and carefully lifted me onto his lap, Colin, Keiran and Deane then got in.
'Ar ye all in?' my mother said and when we replied, 'yeah' my father proceeded to drive in the direction of Galway city to the hospital.
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My father started to talk to my mother about jobs that had to be done on the farm, keeping her from quizzing me about the fall, but any chance she got she would turn to me and ask was I ok.
I was still shocked at what my father had done to me at the shed and now is pretending to care bringing me to the hospital.
I wasn’t able to talk, I didn’t want to. As the journey continued my brothers were talking and laughing, they were in great form but I didn’t feel like joining in, I was in tremendous pain and I was gazing out the front window as I sat between the front seats on Declan's lap, thinking my father done this to me and he's pretending that I fell off the ladder and everyone believes him.
Throughout the journey I was shocked at the way my father was acting, he didn’t look guilty, pretending as if he had done nothing, talking to my mother as if nothing happened.
I really couldn’t believe what he was doing. When we got to the hospital my father said to my brothers, "Ye wait here in the car and myself and ur mother will bring him in."
When we got in and the doctor came over my father said, "I didn’t see what happened but when I found him he was on the ground beneath the ladder, himself and his brothers had been climbing the ladder earlier. He's too small to be going up ladders but sure what can you do with him, he's a rouge."
Straight away my father had manipulated the doctor, the doctor believed my father saying ladders are very dangerous for little boys, they are only for grown-ups to be climbing. I didn’t reply I just nodded my head feeling ashamed as if I had done something wrong. The doctors brought me into a room and x-rayed me and brought me back out and said we’ll have to wait awhile to get the results of the x-ray.
I sat on my mother’s knee while we waited for the doctor to come back with the results.
My father sat there staying very quiet. The doctor came with the results, telling my parents that I fractured my arm and that they were going to put my arm in a sling until it gets better. The doctors then put the sling on my arm and told us we could go home, and to come back again in a couple weeks.
On the way home in the car Declan had his hands around me as I sat on his knee in the middle, where my mother asked us to be so she could see me at all times.
My brothers were talking and laughing again on the way home, I was in better form now that my arm was feeling better, but I was thinking, 'Why me? Why can’t I be happy like my brothers? My mother and brothers don’t know what really happened.' I thought, I felt really sad thinking, 'I have to keep quiet and say nothing and let my father get away with what he had done.'
That night my mother had put me to bed, showing me how not to hurt my arm in bed, and she had done so again the following night. I felt safe from my father that my mother had been putting me to bed.
A few nights later my mother had put me in bed lying on my back as not to hurt my arm, when she left I wasn’t tired, I lay there with my thought when my father entered the room, he had a smile on his face, I thought that he had come in to laugh at me because of what he had done to me.
I felt embarrassed and looked away when he quickly came over, leaned in over the bed and pressed down on my arm, I felt awful pain and let out a shout, my father panicked and quickly went off the bed and onto the floor. He thought my mother might have heard me 43
shout, he looked to the door and then turned and grinned at me for a short time and then quickly left the room.
Again I was in deep shock, I couldn’t believe what he was after doing, I thought, 'Is my arm damaged again?' I panicked thinking, 'Did my mother hear me, and what would I say to her if she did?' I knew I couldn’t ever tell on my father as I knew if I did he would kill me. My mother didn’t hear me and I lay in the room wondering is my arm broke again until eventually the pain subsided and I felt better.
I knew now that my father would never leave me alone.
I worried every night that he would come back and do this to me again but he didn’t, he was frightened that I might shout again and that my mother might hear me.
When my mother brought me back to the hospital they checked me over and told my mother that I would have to stay in the sling for another few weeks as my arm was healing slowly. I could not wait to get the sling off as I had been off school and started to get bored at home and wanted to go back to my friends in class.
On some weekends it would be some boys birthday party from my class and my mother would bring me to the party and pick me up when it was over, the parties were fun and I enjoyed myself there in the company of my friends.
My father had still been coming into my room in the late hours of night and leaving me on the cold ground of the sitting room.
The weekend had come and after a tiresome day playing at home with my brothers, I went to bed and had been asleep for a short time when my father had come into my room, picked me up and started to carry me out of the room, I thought nothing of it as my father had been doing this almost every night.
As he carried me I nodded off and woke up again with my father opening the passenger door of the car and putting me in, I didn’t know what he was doing with me and nodded off to sleep again. Sometime later I woke in a very strange place, I didn’t know where I was or what I was doing there.
I looked around and seen that I was in a room where there was many beds and could not understand what was happening and I panicked and started to shout, 'What am I doing here!? Where am I?' I shouted, when a man and two women rushed over to me.
The women started to hold me tight and the man took a syringe from his pocket, I did not know what was happening to me as I once again woke feeling very weak and groggy, I could hardly move, I looked around and seen the room in a different way.
It was dark and my bed seemed to be further back in this room, I wondered where I was and what was happening to me, I felt very depressed and lonely and I was panicking as to what was going to happen to me.
As the time went on with these thoughts and feelings constantly in my mind, I started to wonder is someone going to come to see me and take me away from this place.
A lot of time went by and I said to myself nobody is coming to rescue me and I’m going to be left here for the rest of my life.
I then fell asleep, and woke up many times but I was still vert groggy, I tried to see who was in the other beds but my bed was too far back to get any understanding of who the people were on these beds and felt I never would because I could barely move my head let alone get off the bed.
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I kept looking at the door in the hope that someone was going to rescue me but a lot of time again went by and again I was left feeling abandoned.
I went in and out of sleep and then to my long awaited hope I heard a person talking and I looked to the door and it was finally someone I recognised, although I felt so relieved I could not help thinking, 'Why is it this person that has come to me?' and it left me very surprised and now with the knowledge that there was a reason behind me being here and I wasn’t just abandoned.
I now felt safe as this person approached, I must have fell asleep but once again I woke in a strange place. I sat up in the bed that was up against the wall at the back of a room, there was a bit of light coming from a door that was slightly open in front of me.
I looked around, there was no window and the rest of the room was empty.
I wondered, 'Where in the hell am I?!' I was very confused as to what was going on, I got a bit frightened looking around at the empty windowless room.
I wanted to get up and walk out the door as I was getting very nervous in this strange room, I sat there for some time trying to pick up the courage to go out the door when I started to hear loud moaning coming from what seemed to be down the end of a hallway.
I got frightened and my heart started to beat fast, I thought, 'What is that? What’s going on?' As it continued the moaning got louder and louder, I said, 'Someone is being tortured.' I started to panic and grew extremely worried saying to myself, 'I’m going to be tortured! I’m somewhere where people get tortured.'
I couldn't bear to listen to the moaning of what sounded like an old man, I thought of the horrible things that were being done to him, and what he must be going through.
I felt trapped and that I had no choice but to wait there and go through what the man in the next room was going through, thinking, 'What type of things are they doing to him?'
and 'What are they going to do to me?'
I had accepted that something horrible was going to happen to me, and wondered would I be able to go through it, it sounded like the man was being put through extreme cruelty.
I worried, I really worried what was in store for me.
I started to think that life was evil and I was in some sort of hell.
As time went on I started to think how is it I can’t hear the people that’s at the old man and started to realise that there was no one in the room with him and he is probably moaning because he is very sick.
The panic and worry that something awful was going to happen to me subsided but I was still very confused as to where I was, how long I was there and who had put me there.
'What type of place is this?' I kept saying, 'Is this hell and am I stuck here?'
I still hadn’t picked up the courage to get off the bed and go and see what was outside the door, the moaning from the next room continued and started to sound very bazaar. I started to think that it was a monster that was in the next room and again I started to really worry, thinking is it some type of a monster man. I started to worry that he might come in to me and kill me.
I kept hoping and hoping that he wouldn’t come in to me, thinking if he does he's going to kill me for sure. After a while the loud moaning stopped and I felt a sigh of relief, thinking maybe the monster has gone to sleep.
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I sat there hoping that he would not wake again, and after some time decided to see what was past the strange room that I had been in. I hesitated for some time before getting up and slowly making my way to the door, I didn’t know what I was going to see on the other side of the door. I was trying to be as quiet as I could hoping that the monster would not hear me and started to worry if he heard me that he would come and kill me.
I reached the slightly open door and seen that there was a small bit of light coming through from outside the room, I peeped my head through and seen a small hallway with light, and glass windows all along directly in front of me and a big door slightly to the left.
It was dark outside and I knew that somebody had put me here in the middle of the night.
'Where is this place?' and 'Who put me here?' I thought.
I went in to this narrow hallway slowly and walked a few steps to the left in the direction of the door, I stopped and quietly looked to the right down into the hallway where I had heard the moaning coming from and seen that there was a door that was fully opened, I knew that that’s where the moaning was coming from.
I was hoping that I wouldn’t hear any movement from the room and that the monster would not wake. I turned to the left again and looked to the door and thought, 'Will I go out the door? I wonder is it open?'
I paused for some time thinking if the door is open will I go and save myself from the place that I thought I might be stuck in forever or will I stay and hope that the monster won’t kill me and that the people that put me here might let me out.
I panicked, I didn’t know what to do, I said to myself if I go out into the dark I could get lost forever.
I really wanted to go and then thought if whoever put me here sees me going out the door might punish me badly for trying to get away, I was so confused as what to do.
'Where will I go if I get out? I don’t know where I am.' I thought.
After some time contemplating I decided to go and check was the door open, I went to the door and tried to quietly push it open.
To my disappointment the door was locked, I had quickly accepted that I couldn’t get out thinking that if I had gotten out I would probably have got lost forever.
I walked quietly back to the entrance of the strange room but I got afraid of going back in and turned around and paced quietly up and down the hall trying not to wake the monster in the room at the end of the hall.
As I paced up and down I wondered was I now stuck here forever, 'What is this place? Am I in hell?'
I grew impatient pacing up and down not knowing what to do and decided to go back in to the strange room, I went back in, closed the door out and left it a bit open so I could see if the monster was going to come in to me in the room.
I sat up on the bed looking at the small opening of the door for some time when I heard noise from the other room, it sounded like someone was breaking things or falling on things in the room trying to get out.
I got frightened and very nervous, saying to myself, 'He is awake!' and if he knows that I’m here he is going to kill me.
I hoped and hoped that the noise would stop and he would go back to sleep again, the moaning started again and then everything went silent.
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I was relieved again thinking he has stopped and is gone asleep again when a few seconds later through the opening of the door I saw a man quickly pass, I got frightened holding my breath as to not let the man hear me in the room.
There was silence and he was out of sight from the opening of the door, I tried to then breathe slowly, wondering what is he doing, he started to moan really quietly and it seemed he was walking up and down. He moaned on and off as he moved about the hallway.
I thought to myself, 'Is he trying to get out?' I had heard some noise but I wasn’t sure if it was him pushing at the door.
Eventually I seen him pass the doorway again, he had gone back to his room, I was so relieved he had passed and not looked in.
I heard him walking around the room moaning and knocking things over, this went on before eventually the noise had stopped, I was relieved once again.
As I sat there thinking will he get up again, I heard the door from the hallway open quickly and I heard people whispering, I wondered who it was and was I in trouble.
The door was quietly pushed in, I seen a women and a man standing there looking in at me, they came towards me very quickly, they grabbed me and pinned me to the bed, I thought, 'What are they doing?! What’s going on?! I'll go to sleep for them if that’s what they want.' I said to myself.
As the man held me down I seen the woman with a needle in her hand, I thought, 'What are they doing? Am I going to die here? Are they trying to kill me?' when on order whispered by the man she put the needle in me. I woke up to a lot of light, the door was wide open, I seen that the night was over and it was daytime.
The horrible night is over I thought and got straight up and ran out into the hallway, I had no idea what I was going to do, my first instinct was to just get out of the strange room, I seen that the door had been wide open and seen through the window two women who looked like nurses standing outside talking.
I walked outside and they spotted me and said, 'Where are you going?' I said in a panic,
'I’m going home.' One of the women said to me, 'You have to stay here until three o clock, you can’t go anywhere until then.' I got angry and shouted, 'I want to go home!' when she said again, 'You have to stay here until three o clock, you can go home then.'
I started to quickly walk away when one of the nurses came after me and said, 'Stop! You can’t leave here. You'll be going home at three o clock.'
I walked back to the door and started pacing up and down, I was agitated, I just wanted to go home. I walked a big distance to the right when the nurses who had thought that I was walking away shouted with aggression, 'You are to walk to the end of the house and no further Maurice.' and she had walked to the spot and pointed to it and said this is as far as you can go and back.
I knew I couldn’t go anywhere, they were watching me like hawks, but I started to think
'Will I just go around the corner and try and get away?' I was really nervous thinking about getting away, every time I got to the corner of the building I said, 'Will I just go now?' but I couldn’t pick up the courage to follow it through. I contemplated it for some time before deciding against the idea and waiting it out before I go home.
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As I paced up and down getting more and more agitated I thought, 'How long have I been here?' I got very confused as to how long I had been there. 'Have I been here for a day or have I been here for days?' I asked myself.
I didn’t know as to how I was going home and said to the nurses as I walked up and down,
'Am I going home now?' I said very impatiently. The nurse said, 'It's only one o clock, you're not going home until three.' Time seemed to be going so slow.
Sometime later I asked again when am I going home, the nurse said angrily, 'You asked that two minutes ago! You have to wait until three and its only after one now.'
Again some time later I said, 'Is it time now?' when the nurse said, 'No, it's not time yet.'
I started to think that they were lying to me and that they were only making it up that I was to go home. They are keeping me here forever I thought, again feeling trapped I said to myself, 'What am I going to do?'
I started to really panic that I was going to be stuck there forever and started to think when I get to the corner of the building I’m just going to run as fast as I can and get away.
Again I was very nervous at the thought of running off, I got to the corner of the building and didn’t have the courage to run and turned back.
While on the way walking back I said, 'I’m going to do it this time.' but got to the corner and again turned back. Each time walking back I said to myself why didn’t I go that time.
As I walked up and down it seemed like I was walking up and down in this strange place forever. One of the nurses had went off somewhere and the other one stayed, keeping a watchful eye on me.
She came back some time later and called me over to where she was standing with the other nurse, I walked over and she said to me, 'You're not going home until the morning.'
Straight away I said to myself, 'They were lying.' they are keeping me forever and they had tricked me into thinking I was going home.
I got really frustrated and angry and started to walk off, when the nurse said, 'Come back here! You'll be going home in the morning.' and I turned and walked back to the door and started shouting, 'I want to go home now! I want to go home now!!'
'You have to stay until the morning and we are going to give you some dinner now.' one of the nurses said. Still very frustrated and angry I said, 'I don’t want dinner! I want to go home. I want to go home now! I want to go home now!!'
The nurse said, 'Well we will just have to put you to sleep then.' 'I don’t care! I don’t care!'
I shouted to them, when she said, 'Wait here with the nurse until I come back.'
She went off, I stood there, I was very angry. When she returned she said to me, 'Are you going to do what you are told and eat dinner?' 'No! I won’t.' I replied very angrily when she said, 'Ok then go into your room and sleep.'
I went into the room and sat on the bed, the two nurses came in after me and said, 'We are going to put you to sleep and we have to put this needle in you.' I didn’t care what they did and lay down on the bed motionless and they stuck me with the needle.
I have no recollection of waking in the morning but found myself again pacing up and down outside waiting to go home, the two nurses kept watch, telling me that I was going home at eleven o’clock.
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As I walked up and again I seen through the window the scary man coming out of his room, I got a bit nervous but I was so frustrated waiting to go home I didn’t let in too much fear, my mind was on going home and getting away from this strange place.
I kept watching him to see if he was going to attack me, he kept walking in and out of the building with the nurses keeping an eye on him also. I was afraid to get too close to the door in case he would grab me when he was coming out and I had kept some distance away while still walking up and down the front of the building.
Sometime later that seemed to be forever I seen the family car pull up with my father driving, I was so delighted thinking I’m actually going home and I’m not going to be stuck in that horrible place forever. I walked quickly towards the car, wanting to get in, the window was wound down and it was Declan telling me to go around and get in the other side. I quickly walked around and opened the door and sat up on Kieran’s lap.
My father put the car in gear and drove off, on the way home from the strange place not able to talk, I stared out the window into deep space, I hadn’t a thought in my head. I felt so depressed. My father again had manipulated, got his way and put me in a home somewhere with mentally retarded people.
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I had been back in school and our teacher had told us that a priest from Africa was coming to our school and was going to talk to every class about religion, and showed us where Africa was on the map telling us he is coming from far away.
The teacher had left the class telling us that she was going to see if he was finished talking to the other classes. On return she said he is coming now and went to her desk at the top of the class and left the door open for the priest.
Myself and the other kids in the class were looking to the door, everyone waiting in anticipation to see this visitor from far away. He entered the door way and I had seen that he was a black man and as he walked towards the top of the class I stood up quickly and shouted with aggression, 'Get out you black bastard!' and sat down again.
The teacher instantly walked down to the door and called me out into the hallway, I went on her order into the hallway where she said you are to wait down at the end of the hall until someone comes to you.
I waited at the end of the hallway and after some time waiting my mother came down the hallway and said 'I’m bringing you home.'
I didn’t know what was going on and followed my mother to the car and went home.
Later that evening my mother said to Declan he had to mind the rest of us and she and my father had to make the journey to the school to talk about what I had said to the African priest. When they returned, Colin asked my mother what had I done in school as he had heard of it in school that day.
My mother told Colin what I had done and told the rest of my brothers and joked about it all evening, they found it very funny and I was laughing at how funny they found it.
For days and weeks they would joke about it saying it to my mother who couldn’t help but laugh when they said it to her. And I heard Colin saying everyone in other towns in the area had heard what was said to the priest.
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I had learned nothing but bad language from my father and using it I criticized the priest like the way my father criticized me and at home my father was also purposely teaching me and my brothers the wrong things in life when we would spit in the fire he would pretend to get mad that we were spitting in the fire and tell us angrily not to spit in the fire, manipulating us telling us it would quench the fire and he would tell us to spit on the floor and when someone was in the bathroom and one of us had to go to the toilet he would tell us to go to the toilet at the back door.
We got to learn the bad habits and when my mother would be there and we would spit on the floor or go to the toilet at the back door he would look to my mother and say, "Look what the ignorant bastards are doing."
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Chapter 7 - Terror! And the Devil's Joy Chapter 7
Terror! And the Devil's Joy
AGE: 5 to 6 years old
Domestic violence, mental abuse, torture, physical abuse and sadistic perversion, Summer time had come and I had been getting sick while outside playing from the poison and on car journeys I would have to ask my mother to pull over while I was getting sick.
Every week myself and my brothers would go in the car to Oranmore which was the next town over to this big house with a long driveway up to it. My father would tell us we had to wait in the car while he and my mother went inside to talk to the doctor.
On each occasion they seemed to be with the doctor for some time as myself and my brothers waited in the car talking and laughing. Once again my mother had disappeared and my father told myself and Deane that she was in hospital and she would be home in a couple weeks. I was sad once again that my mother was gone but I knew that she would be home in a couple weeks as my father said.
While my mother was gone, my father was doing the farm work and cooking for myself and my brothers, so he was spending more time around the house than usual.
My father gave myself and my brothers the dinner he prepared and left to go working again outside in the yard. After dinner myself and Deane had been in the sitting room while Declan, Colin and Philip had been outside in the garden when my father entered the sitting room where myself and Deane had been playing heavily together.
"Come here I want ya" he said while standing at the hallway door, I thought he wanted me to do something for him in the house and I had started to follow him into the hallway.
In the hallway he said, "Come on with me." he looked and sounded really nervous, I thought he was upset or something.
He got to my bedroom door with me standing behind him, he pushed open the door gently and said with a really nervous voice, "Come on in here." he looked really worried about something. I didn’t know what was going on, I thought he was going to cry or something and I went into the room, stopped and turned around to see what he wanted.
He pushed out the door to a close really quietly and turned and started to stare at me, he was very nervous looking.
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Chapter 7 - Terror! And the Devil's Joy As he stood there looking at me I started to really worry by the way he was that he was going to do something really bad to me. He took a couple steps forward, he was shaking, I got really frightened and he said barely getting the words out, "Take off your pants and lay up on the bed."
I said to myself something really bad is going to happen to me, I was so frightened as to the way he was acting, I was never this frightened before and I started to do what he said and pulled down my pants.
I felt really bad when I had my pants down, I felt dirty once again as my father stood there staring in to my eyes. He started to get a smile on his face and when he had not moved I thought that he was going to laugh at me with my pants down and leave.
As I waited for him to make a fool of me, he said, "Take them off fully and lay up on the bed like I told ya." I pushed off my shoes and stepped on the ends of my pants and got fully out of them.
I didn’t get up on the bed like he said I just stood there and then he came forward and said,
"Up on the bed now, good boy."
I got up on the bed, sat up and put my arms on my knees covering myself as I felt rotten being exposed, as I did my father put his hand on my shoulder and gently pushed me back saying. "Lay back now. That’s the good boy." I laid back thinking he is going to do what he always does and start punching me between the legs.
His hands started to shake, I said to myself, 'What is wrong with him?' and again I grew very frightened at how unsettled he had got as I watched him shake more and more.
He then put one hand on my leg holding it open and started to reach to his jacket pocket with the other that was now shaking really bad.
He started to breathe really strangely, it was like he was finding it really hard to breathe and as he took short breaths I started to think he was going to die but as he reached further and further into his pocket I realised that he was nervous at something he was about to do.
His hand was shaking in his pocket and after what looked like a struggle he pulled out the plyers. I said, 'He is going to pinch me with the plyers between the legs again.' when he left it on the bed and reached for his pocket again.
I wondered why he was going for his pocket again, he seemed to be searching really carefully for something for some time as I felt his hand shake while pushing open my leg.
Again I thought, 'Is he sick?' he was taking very short breaths but I felt that he was worried about something, the something he was about to do to me.
He pulled his hand carefully out of his pocket with his palm upright and open and I seen a lot of needles and long thin pieces of something that looked like metal.
I panicked thinking, 'What the hell is he going to do to me?!' he then put the needles and bits from his palm carefully on the bed.
He took his hand off my leg and started to do something with both hands that was out of my sight, I slowly closed my legs together and he gently pushed it open again and pulled his hand back and continued to do what he was doing, I again closed my legs and he pushed them open holding it down, he started to do something with the other hand and seemed to be struggling at what he was doing while taking deep breaths and blowing out 52
Chapter 7 - Terror! And the Devil's Joy heavily. He continued to take his hand off my leg for brief moments to where his other hand had been and back again to hold my legs open.
After some time which seemed like forever my father had struggled at what he was doing, he raised his right hand into sight and he had a needle in between the jaws of the plyers.
He held it there and looked between my legs, I was motionless, he looked to be in deep thought, I then knew that he was going to put the needle in me.
He started to really concentrate and try to calm down the shake in his hands, while I thought maybe he is thinking about not doing it.
He then put his right hand forward and the needle that was being held by the plyers disappeared out of sight, I braced myself, I could barely breathe as I knew he was going to put the needle in me.
He then leaned his head in close and started to look closely between my legs, he put his hand all the way in, and he started to touch and feel around that area.
I felt rotten as he felt around but at this stage I fully knew that he was trying to look for the place where he would stick the needle in me.
As he was doing so he grew more bothered, panting and breathing heavy while trying to concentrate as he looked carefully between my legs.
I started to move about a bit as his hand that seemed to brush gently over the skin between my legs started to tickle me.
"Stay steady.' he said silently while heavily concentrated on what he was doing, I couldn’t stay still as it was tickling a lot, but I tried as hard as I could not to move as this is what was asked of me.
As my body shook he kept telling me to stay still as he seemed desperate for me to stop and started to push down on my hip to prevent me from shaking.
After some time of this struggle between the two of us, he pushed my leg up towards my stomach and held it there, and as he looked between my legs that pleasured look came on his face and he looked up and stared in to my eyes.
When I seen that look I knew it was about to happen, "Hold still now." he said looking to be concentrating but with a pleasured smile on his face.
He pushed tightly between my legs with his left hand, I braced myself and held my breath, He started to push the needle in me really slowly, I took a breath in and then my head and shoulders lifted up towards my stomach and I let out a shout, the pain was horrendous, he put his left hand on my shoulder and started to push me back down on the bed while pushing the needle in.
I held my breath again as he pushed the needle in further, the pain was unbearable and when my father had pushed me back to a lying down position and stopped pushing the needle in, I exhaled slowly.
I had passed out and woke to feeling a tremendous pain between my legs, it felt like that I had been pricked inside me by a lot of needles that I now knew that he had put inside me.
But I had also woke to being what felt like a tickle and some pain with some pressure on my bum from my father’s hand and I seen that a couple bits of the finger long steel had been in his other hand. While I was passed out my father had put some of the lengths of steel inside my bum.
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Chapter 7 - Terror! And the Devil's Joy I moved a little and the pain was out of this world and I started to really worry about what he had done to me and panicked in despair shouting, 'What have you done to me! Take them out! Get them out! Ahhh Jeasus get them out of me!' I shouted in a panic state.
It was a nightmare. I was in a world of despair when he said with a worried face, "Don’t worry I’ll take them out later." 'Take them out now! Ahhhh Jeasus!' I could feel the blood rush into my face as I shouted and tried to deal with the pain.
"You are going to have to get up and go into the sitting room and sit down." he said "And I’ll take them out later" he had said it as if I was complaining about nothing.
'Take them out! Take them out! I shouted when he forcefully said, "Will you stop! I'll fucking take them out later, but first you have to go out to the sitting room and sit down."
I knew he would not help me until I had done what he asked of me.
I started to try and role onto my side, I had only slightly moved and I couldn’t bear the pain and I stopped and the pain exacerbated as I rolled back.
I tried the same again and again with the same result, I couldn’t get off the bed the pain was so bad.
I had either passed out on attempt or had no recollection of how I got off the bed but found myself a couple steps inside the sitting room with my father having his hands on me.
I was standing still in horrific pain, I felt all the needles inside of me between my legs, I was taking short breaths. I couldn’t believe what I was going through, what I was in, it was a nightmare!
From behind me my father whispered, "Come on, move on." while slightly nudging me forward with his hand.
I seen Deane away from me doing something by the side of the couch, I tried to take a step forward slowly without shouting in pain, I knew I had to be quiet and not let Deane see what was going on.
I moved and the pain was too unbearable and I stopped and said to myself, 'I can’t do this.'
and I was worrying that this nightmare wasn’t going to end until I did what my father wanted, and again I was worrying in despair that my father was never going to take the needles out, and I was never getting out of this, and even at the young age of five I worried about what the needles was doing to my insides.
I hesitated for some time when my father whispered in my ear, "If you don’t go over there and sit down, i'll kill your mother."
Now my father had me where he wanted me, he knew I probably would go through with it knowing that I would not want my mother to die. I had fallen for his manipulation and I tried to pick up the courage to see it out and prevent my mother’s life from being taken by my father.
I inhaled, held my breath and started to walk, as I walked I tried to blank my mind from the pain and of all thought just to follow it through. I had managed to do this on the walk to the couch where I was to sit on the order from my father.
I could still feel awful pain but this had worked to an extent and got me through a couple steps from the couch. Deane had turned around from what he was doing to straight away 54
Chapter 7 - Terror! And the Devil's Joy see from the expression on my face and my slow movement as I took the last step to the couch that there was something awful wrong with me.
As I knew that on the orders of my father that I had to sit on the couch and thought it would be less horrific if I just leaned on the arm of the chair having to not fully bend down and lessen the cruel pain, with the hope my father would accept this to be good enough and might meet his needs.
I put my right hand on the arm of the couch and tried to turn around slowly, as I did a very worried look grew on Declan face. He then made an attempt to talk and muttered something, it was something about what he was doing, I knew he wanted me to join him in what he was doing to the left.
I was hoping he wouldn’t ask me what was wrong as I thought if he did and I had to tell him then my father would kill my mother, I knew that my mother had been in hospital but I knew that he would wait for her to come home and then kill her, if I didn’t do what he wanted.
When I didn’t reply to Deane, he put on a worried face again and looked down at the way I was moving, I kept turning in pain and Deane then looked into my eyes, he seen the look of distress in my face as I tried to put up with the pain and then he himself got very distressed looking. I could tell that he knew that something was very wrong, it looked like he was very worried for me and had felt sorry for whatever I was going through.
I hoped he would not ask what was wrong when he eventually turned to what he had been doing .
I looked across the room to see my father sitting on the edge of the couch with his hands on his knees with a huge pleasured look on his face, his eyes were unusually wide open and he was staring into my face, I knew that he was hugely enjoying what was going on seeing me suffer through his sick twisted ordeal.
I had been fully turned around and I knew my father was waiting for me to sit down, I knew that I had to follow through on in orders so I put my arms behind me and on to the arm of the couch as to let my bum back slowly to lessen the pain of the needles that had been inserted in the end of my bum.
Hoping this would be enough to please my father as he had asked me to sit down I slowly started to let myself back to rest my bum up against the arm of the couch as to not fully sit down. I braced myself for the pain and drew in my breath and held it.
As I did I looked to my father and seen that he was engrossed in what was happening with pleasure in his face as he waited with anticipation for me to sit.
I got my bum resting on the arm of the couch but I still had my arms behind me pushing back to lessen the pain in not letting my bum take all the weight of my body.
While still looking at my father, he had not noticed that most of the pressure had been taken by my arms pushing back against the couch and he sat there looking overjoyed at the tremendous pain I was in, he sat there engrossed in it all for some time as I prayed he wouldn’t make me fully sit down on the couch.
I either passed out or have no recollection but found myself back lying on the bed in a very worried state, very emotional, crying, get them out to my father, who was looking and 55
Chapter 7 - Terror! And the Devil's Joy acting extremely worried, he was so worried I started to panic that my body was in major trouble and my father can’t get the needles out that felt way inside me.
He was in a major panic, he was breathing really heavy again I shouted, 'Get them out! Get them out! He said "i'll get them out."as he looked between my legs, he looked so confused panicking breathing like crazy, he didn’t know what to do.
I was worried.
I then passed out.
I have no recollection of the rest of the day.
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Chapter 8 - The Scythe, the Devil and the Field Chapter 8
The Scythe, the Devil and the Field
AGE: 5 to 6 years old
Threats and abandonment
into remote fields overnight with impossible tasks to do, and the constant fear of being killed.
My father had been taking advantage of my mother’s absence and laid heavily on me with his twisted ways. He again came in to my room in the middle of the night, but on this occasion he had deliberately woke me up this time. I got a bit frightened as I wasn’t sure what was going on, as this went against what he had done on all the other nights.
He said in a low tone, "Put on your clothes, we are going." Still frightened, I got out of the bed and put on my clothes, as he stood there waiting. I thought to myself he is not angry and he has not put his hands on me, thinking I’m getting off lightly this time, but where are we going.
When I was dressed he said, "Come on." and I followed him out of the room.
He walked quietly without saying a word through the house as I also quietly followed.
When we got out of the house he told me to get in the car and wait there as he walked in the direction of the sheds.
I got in the back of the car and closed the door thinking, 'What’s going on? What’s going to happen?' Shortly my father appeared close to the car and with him he held the scythe in his hands. My father used this for clearing bushes. It was a long handle with a long sharp blade at the ending. I had seen my father use this on a number of occasions and I said to myself, 'He is going working, and he is bringing me with him.'
Although I was a little frightened at the sight of the long blade, it didn’t enter my mind that my father was going to do something to me with the blade as I was always a bit frightened at the sight of the blade anytime my father used it previously to this.
He put the scythe in the boot and got in the car. He then started the engine and slowly reversed out the driveway. He went in the direction of where he had land away from the house. I was a little relaxed thinking that I’m not going to get a beating from my father as he has some work to do and he is just bringing me along for the spin.
As he drove along he was very quiet and things started to feel a bit sneaky as I thought to when he placed the scythe in the back of the car, remembering that things seemed a bit 57
Chapter 8 - The Scythe, the Devil and the Field strange in that short time before the journey began and I started to think, 'My father could be up to something different than just going working.' but telling myself that its more than likely he just has some work to do.
Convincing myself of this, my mind relaxed again. I remember this journey as myself and my brothers had went there with my father on a lot of occasions. We got to where my father had usually parked the car or the tractor and stopped there.
He said, "Come on." as he got out of the car and I quickly followed. He went to the back of the car and opened the boot as I stood beside it. He took the scythe out and closed the boot after him. I hoped the work would not take too long and I could go home and back to bed.
He walked to the gate, opened it, saying, "Come on." and I followed. We walked through the field and got to the next gate where he opened it saying, "Go on, get in there." I walked in before him and looked back as he again said, "Go on, get in there, stay going." I got frightened as his tone had changed and he now sounded a little angry. As I walked through the field he closely followed behind and I started to think that we are not going working, he has brought me here to kill me. I said to myself that he is just going to swing the scythe from behind me and cut my head off with it.
I thought this was it, this is where my life is going to end. I looked behind to see if he had the scythe raised and in the position to swing with it, when he said to me, "Keep going and don’t be looking behind you!" I kept walking thinking now I won’t see it coming and I won’t have any chance of running. I was feeling sad now as I knew that I couldn’t prevent it and my life was now going to end.
I tried to look a bit to the left in an attempt to again see if he was going to swing the scythe but I did not turn around fully as he had warned me not to. As I walked knowing that my life was going to be now over I said to myself, 'I’m not going to try and look around again and I’m going to show my father that I’m not afraid of him ending my life.'
So I continued walking and although I was so frightened, I was hoping that he thought that it wasn’t bothering me and that I didn’t care that he was going to end it all. I hoped that he might change his mind, but I knew how evil he was and it was a very small chance he would not follow through.
I was hoping but the sadness of my life ending overwhelmed me as I walked. I was just waiting for it to happen. All of a sudden he said "Stop!" I could not believe it and felt instant relief as I turned and looked to him. He looked at me, his look was very strange and the sadness again came over me as I said to myself, 'He is just going to do it here where I can see him doing it.' When he said to me, "You are to clear all of these bushes with the scythe like I showed you before you can come home. I’ll pick you up in the morning."
I could not believe that I wasn’t going to die. Straight away I hoped he didn’t know what I thought was going to happen to me and I wanted to show him that I had not been frightened so I reached for the scythe saying, 'Where will I start and can you show me again how to use it.' He handed me the scythe saying, "You should know how to use it." and I replied, 'I don’t know what to do. What will I do?' and he took it from me, walked over to the bushes as I followed quickly and he swiped the scythe at the bottom of the bushes, taking two to three quick swipes and turned placing the scythe in my hands saying, "Now 58
Chapter 8 - The Scythe, the Devil and the Field that’s how you use it!" although it was dark I could see the grin on his face as he turned and walked away.
I stood there thinking I’m not going to be able to do this, the scythe was so heavy and awkward. Although it was the middle of the night I didn’t question why I had to work during the night and not the day like always. This had been the first time I was put working in the night but I just thought that the work just had to be done and I had to do it as my father would have other work to do himself.
So I tried to lift the scythe and get to work. It was very heavy and I got anxious about the possibility of hurting myself with it. I thought I was going to cut my foot off. But I knew I needed to keep trying and get the work done before my father came back in the morning.
I tried again and got the blade to the bushes, barely with the blade off the ground, I had not got the strength to swipe it at the bushes like my father showed me. I tried several times always with the same result in not having the strength to do it always panicking I was going to do myself harm with the blade and I just gave up saying, 'Oh! Don’t care what my father says, I just can’t do it.' So I let the scythe go with relief knowing I was only going to hurt myself with it if I had kept trying. I thought, I’ll go over to the wall and sit down, I felt restless as I got there and started to walk from one corner of the field to the other. I recalled my father telling me that he wouldn’t be collecting me until the morning and I knew I probably had a lot of time left in the field until then.
As I walked up and down the field I wondered if my father was going to be mad that I didn’t do the work for him but I kept telling myself that it wasn’t possible for me to be able to do what my father showed and I began not to care thinking, 'What am I going to do now until the morning arrives.' and kept walking in the field and I got a slight feeling that my father left me here on purpose and thinking this I said, 'If he did he probably won’t care that I had no work done.'
Now I wasn’t sure why my father had taken me out of the house in the middle of the night and brought me here but I knew I had a long wait until he came back for me. Time went so slow until it started to get bright. Now with some relief seeing that it was getting bright I said, 'He will be here soon.' but it took some time before my father had arrived and I was feeling very tired and I was never as happy to see my father appear.
I stood there wondering what he was going to do when he sees that I had no work done, when he simply called me from a distance, saying, "Come on! We're going home." My father seemed to be in a hurry to get me home before my brothers had seen that I had been missing from the house so he said, "Get the scythe quick and we go."
I was so relieved that I was going home and there was nothing said about the work so I quickly ran over picking it up and followed him through the field and into the car and made the journey back to the house relieved it was over.
This continued, my father would take me out of my bed in the middle of the night and just kept leaving me in the same field with the same orders. I had never done any work on any of the nights and my father had never complained about this.
Once again my father had woke me in the night and we went on the usual journey but this time he kept driving and had not stopped at his land. I got confused and I could not think 59
Chapter 8 - The Scythe, the Devil and the Field of any reason why my father had driven past and kept going. We had been traveling now for about an hour and I was still confused as to what was going on and where he was taking me. I then fell asleep and sometime later I woke to my father carrying me in his arms through what seemed to be a field of bushes. Bushes surrounded us as my father carried me and shortly we got to where there was a small area of bushes that had been flattened. My father stopped here and quickly put me standing on my feet. At this stage it had got somewhat bright as it was the summer time and I could see that I was in the middle of a place surrounded in bushes and it was not familiar to any place I had seen before.
Laying on the ground I could see the scythe. My father then picked it up and put it in my hands and said, "You’re here until six o'clock tomorrow evening. You won’t be picked up until then" he said, "So you have all this to clear before then." and he turned and walked away.
I stood there with the scythe in my hands shocked that I was not going to be going home until tomorrow evening. On all the other occasions my father had picked me up in the morning but this time I was in an unfamiliar place far away and I knew that it was going to be a long time before I got out of there. I wondered where I was as I stood there still shocked and now a little angry and anxious thinking what I was going to do until tomorrow evening when my father was to pick me up. Again not knowing if my father was going to be angry or not if I had no work done when he arrived.
I thought will I cut some bushes. I thought about this for some time and still didn’t know what to do but then I became very bored and decided to try and work to pass the time but I knew from the other nights that it would be very difficult and dangerous for me to work the scythe but I knew I had to pass the time somehow. I tried and tried and after some time with great difficulty I managed to cut a very small proportion of bushes. It was such a small amount that I knew that it would not be even visible to my father and I then gave up. I stood there again not knowing what to do. I became curious as to where I was and I thought will I try and see if I can get out of this unfamiliar place and see if I recognised where I was.
I thought of the long journey it took to get here and I had a feeling I was in a place I would not recognise outside the surrounding bushes, and therefore decided to stay put also knowing that I might not be able to find my way back to where I was meant to be.
Hours went by like this thinking will I do some more work or will I chance getting out of the bushes and see where I was. It was now daylight and I started to get hungry, worried because my father had left me here without any food. Some hours had passed like this confused, bored and very hungry. I had no idea of the time I had left but I knew it was far from the evening.
As I took off my jumper I had an idea that with the heat starting that it was only the beginning of the day. I done some more work and then sat down on the ground for a rest but I got up again after a short time to work again to keep my mind off wanting some food. Time went slow and it felt like I was there forever. Out of boredom, not caring if I got lost, I decided I would now go through the bushes and see what was outside of it. I walked five to six steps through the bushes before I got frightened thinking if I keep going I might not be able to find my way back so I turned around and made the steps back into where I had been.
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Chapter 8 - The Scythe, the Devil and the Field The day went on and I kept doing work from time to time as I could not rest for long as I kept thinking about food. It became very warm and it was difficult to stay working so I had no choice but to sit and go through the thought of eating. More hours went by and I had been standing there with the scythe in my hands when my father came through the bushes in a hurry. He didn’t look to see if I had any of the work done, he just quickly said, "It's six o'clock. Come on, and we go." I started to walk carrying the scythe when he angrily took it from me and through it quickly to the ground. As we hurried through the bushes he picked me up and told me to close my eyes and not to open them until he said so. I felt him lay me down into the seat of the car, still with my eyes closed I had fallen asleep. I have no recollection of getting home or how I felt after the ordeal.
These past days and nights had taken a lot out of me and I must have slept a lot as I woke to be drowning in water in the dark, my head was under water, I frantically tried to get my head up for air, succeeding but I panicked thinking I was going to go under and die. I was swinging my hands trying to stay up, it was very dark and the water seemed to be pulling me backwards, I looked back to see what was behind me and all I could see was darkness and I panicked again thinking I was going to be pulled into the darkness and never come back. As the water pushed and pulled, I couldn’t help but keep looking back to see how far I was away from the darkness. I struggled and struggled to stay afloat and then got some confidence to try and go forward as I had now looked in front of me and seen lights and a wall and said it's not too far away to safety. As I tried the water pulled me back and my head went under, coming back up and trying to catch my breath, I then seen my father in the water in front of me. I don’t know if he had taken me out of the water then or if he had watched me struggle for longer but again my father had brought me as I realise today a good distance from the home to observe the suffering of his son.
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In the coming days my father said to myself and Deane that we were to come with him that we were going to pick up our mother and bring her home from the hospital.
I was glad to hear that my mother was coming home but I was very depressed and sad.
On the journey to the hospital I didn’t play or talk to Deane in the back of the car, I was very fed up.
Before we reached the hospital I hoped that my mother would not notice that I was sad but I wasn’t overly worried if she did, I felt like I just didn’t care anymore.
As we drove in the driveway of the hospital I was thinking, 'It’s good that my mother is coming home.' and I started to try and cheer up a little but I couldn’t manage it, what my father had done to me, broke me, broke my spirit.
We pulled up outside the big building and waited for our mother to come out, again I tried to brush aside the sadness and put a smile on my face but I didn’t succeed. I was looking down at the ground when I heard the passenger door open, it was my mother. I was glad to see that it was her but all I could think about was trying not to look sad.
She had got in and took a quick look in at myself and Deane in the back and then turned back as my father proceeded to drive away from the hospital.
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Chapter 8 - The Scythe, the Devil and the Field My mother looked tired and did not speak or ask any questions on the way home, I was glad she didn’t see how sad I had been.
At home after the journey back from the hospital everyone was sitting on the couch and in great form that our mother was back home.
I had been walking from the sitting room to my bedroom and back in an attempt to avoid been in constant sight of my mother, I had been still very down in myself and didn’t want her to notice, as she might start to question the form I had been in.
The words of my father telling me he would kill my mother was ringing in my mind and I thought if I had to tell my mother what my father did to me he would kill her.
I walked from the sitting room to my bedroom and back many times making an appearance at the sitting room door in the view of my mother and going again, not to give her enough time to see the sadness in my face.
She was so happy being home to her sons and was busy answering questions that my brothers were asking her about her stay in hospital that fortunately she didn’t notice my form.
As I walked up and down the hallway it weighed so heavily on my mind what my father had done to me and the nightmare he had put me through that only the devil could do something like that and I convinced myself that my father was the devil.
Thinking this way frightened me, and I wanted to be sure and when I got from my room to the sitting room door I took a couple steps in and started to look down at my father’s feet where he sat on the couch beside my brothers.
I wanted to see if he had hoofs like the devil, as I looked I wondered why I couldn’t see hoofs as I was convinced I was looking at the feet of the devil.
I kept looking and looking and I then looked up to see my father looking straight at me grinning like crazy, he could see what he had done to me really disturbed me and this had pleasured him immensely.
I didn’t see the hoofs but that didn’t stop me from thinking he was the devil, to me he had always been the evil man that was in charge of me, my mother and brothers but now I was convinced that the devil himself was living with us.
This frightened me as I thought now there would be no getting away from the devil and we would be under his leash forever.
Later in life when myself and my brother discussed how sick and twisted our father was he had said to me, 'There is a picture at home and you can see in the picture he looks really evil in it.' I had seen this picture many times and this picture had been taken on the day my mother came home from hospital and in the picture my father had been sitting in the same position on the couch where I was looking to him and down at his feet.
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Chapter 9 - Safe Days and Horror Nights Chapter 9
Safe Days and Horror Nights
AGE: 5 to 6 years old
Brought to stranger's homes to protect from abuse, but nightly beatings and torture continued,
As we got more into the summer myself and my brothers were making the most of our time being off school by playing around the house.
We had been told by our father that we would be going to the bog in the morning to get the turf ready to bring home when the winter came.
I had never been to the bog before and didn’t know what to expect, Declan Colin and Philip had been the previous year and talked all evening about how much they hated the bog. In the morning we all hit off for the bog.
On the journey there my brothers weren't talking, I knew that they were dreading the day in the bog. When we arrived my father told us all to get out and follow him into the bog and said to my mother to bring the bottled tea into the bog and leave it under the sun so it would stay warm.
My father started to tell my brothers what to do and showed Deane what to do as it was his first time in the bog. As I waited to receive orders from my father what to do, my mother said, 'Maurice, you stand over there beside the bottles of tea and watch. You are too young to be in the bog working.' when my father looked up at her and looked to be very frustrated with her. I went on my mother’s orders and walked back to where the bottles of tea had been. I was really happy that my mother said I didn’t have to work and I felt very thankful to her for preventing me from having to work but I knew that my father wasn’t happy with my mother’s decision. As I stood there and everyone was working my father kept looking up at me with an angry face.
I knew he was angry that I wasn’t working.
After some time he looked up at me and said, "Come over here." I went over and he started telling me what to do. I didn’t understand what he was showing me. He then went over and started working on another piece of the bog.
I looked to my mother because I had not understood my mother’s orders on what to do with the sods of turf. She looked at me and she seemed very nervous looking, she didn’t want me working but was afraid to go against my father and tell me to stop.
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Chapter 9 - Safe Days and Horror Nights I stood there not knowing what to do and got very nervous thinking he is going to go mad when he sees me not working so I looked over at the rest of my brothers to see what they had been doing with the intention of copying them.
As I looked at what my brothers were doing I could still not understand what to do with the sods. In an attempt to stop my father from going mad I just started to move the sods around.
My father had been keeping a close eye on me and when he seen that I was doing things wrong he started shouting and came over to me quickly, grabbed me by the arm and started shaking me, he was very angry shouting, "Look what you are doing! sure that's fuckin wrong!" he was frothing at the mouth with temper.
My mother then came over and fearfully said, 'Go on over there Maurice.' and I started to walk back to towards the bottles of tea, as I did my father was angrily saying to my mother that I was useless saying, "Do you see what he was doing? Sure it’s all wrong what he is doing, fuck sake!" and walked in temper over to where he was.
I stood there looking straight at my father, I felt a lot of anger towards him.
The work continued and after some time of my father being quiet he started shouting up at me, he was shouting all sorts, and from time to time he would tell me to go working but I had fully withdrawn from my father and just stood there refusing to do anything which made him more angry. my father seemed very frustrated with me and I could see from my mother’s face that she felt real bad at the way my father was treating me.
I didn’t do anything for my father the rest of that day in the bog.
Some days after the bog I recall someone telling me that I was going to live somewhere else with a woman and that my mother would be coming to see me all of the time and that it was going to be for the best.
I felt really sad that I wasn’t going to be living with my mother and brothers anymore but I had taken in what had been said that it was going to be for the best.
The bigger part of me didn’t want to go and be without my mother and brothers.
I don’t recall much of the day that I was leaving for my new home. I remember that I had been really sad thinking of leaving my mother and brothers and I had refused to go.
I recall some people telling me that I had to go and sometime later I had woke to being very drowsy on a couch in a strange house.
I could barely keep my eyes open and fell back to sleep to awaken again still feeling drowsy, I tried to stay awake, I wanted to know where I was.
I could hear someone somewhere in the house doing something as I tried to keep my eyes open. I fell asleep a number of times and had woken to the same noise of someone doing something in the house.
After some time I was able to stay awake but I felt lifeless, I wasn’t able to get off the couch, I started to look around and wondered where am I and how long have I been and what am I doing here. I was very confused as to why I had woken on the couch in this house I didn’t recognise.
The noise continued and then it stopped and an old woman appeared in front of me, she had come from around the back of the couch that I had been laying on.
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Chapter 9 - Safe Days and Horror Nights She looked at me carefully for some seconds and walked away again, I heard noise again, I realised that it was the old woman that was making the noise, she is probably cooking I thought.
I wasn’t able to get off the couch and I wanted the old woman to appear again in the hope she would tell me where I was and end the confusion that was overwhelming me.
She appeared again after some time and had been carefully looking at me, I was too drowsy to talk and had said nothing when she went off again.
'Why didn’t she say anything?' I thought and had come again to be carefully looking at me.
As a result of the old woman carefully looking at me and not talking I began to think she was angry at me and started to wonder what I might have done.
She appeared on several occasions in the same fashion and each time I said to myself she looks like she is mad at me. I thought who is she and does she live here by herself.
After a long time laying on the couch in confusion as to where I was I tried to get off the couch and go and see could I get any understanding of where I was and why I woke up in this strange place.
I made an attempt to get off the couch and felt like I was about to faint and lay back again.
I made several attempts struggling each time to get off the couch.
Eventually I rolled off the couch and got on my feet on the ground, I decided to walk away from the noise in the direction of where I seen a lot of light.
I could barely lift my legs, I thought I would fall to the ground as I dragged my feet along.
I really wanted to get to where the light was in the hope of recognising something from outside, it took some time as I was very slow on my feet, I was still very drowsy.
As I walked around the corner I seen a long line of cabinets all along the wall on the lead up to what was now in my view a big window.
I thought I would never get to the window.
When I finally got there, the window I could barely see out and took a few steps back and tried to go on my tip toes in the hope of seeing out, I found it really difficult to go on my tip toes as I was still drowsy but I managed it and got to see a bit out the window.
I seen a big plant that had been very close to the window, I wasn’t satisfied as I wanted to see further and try to see if I recognised something from past the plant.
I tried to get higher on my toes to see past but it was very difficult to manage this feat as I was very unbalanced and still drowsy.
After eventually reaching as high as I could achieve, I didn’t see any further and gave up.
I wanted to go to another window but I didn’t want to see the old woman again and decided to wait for the noise to stop, thinking with the noise stopped she had left the house.
As I eagerly waited, I started to look to the long cabinet that had lots and lots of trophies inside, I wondered who they were belong to, where they belong to the man of the house or the old woman’s son I questioned myself.
I walked up and down trying to pass the time until I heard the noise from within the house disappear.
I didn’t want to turn around to maybe see the old woman standing there again looking at me so I stayed facing the cabinet walking left to right, it felt like I had been doing this for a 65
Chapter 9 - Safe Days and Horror Nights very long time when to my great delight I heard from behind me, my mother’s voice calling out, 'Maurice how are you?' 'I’m ok.' I replied and she bent down and caught my hands saying, 'How are you getting on?' I said 'Ok.' with sadness in my voice.
My mother then said, 'Wait here for a few minutes and I’ll be back to you.' and left.
I knew now that I had been sent away to live with this old woman, I started to hear a lot of talk from my mother and the old woman from around the corner.
I was hoping that they would stop talking and my mother could come back to me, it felt like I was waiting forever.
I have no recollection after that but found myself back with my mother and brothers and back in the hands of my evil father.
For the rest of the summer my mother was bringing me to the boy's house who was in my class and who I had been travelling with to school with driven by his mother.
My mother was getting me away from my father any chance she could get and I had been brought to this boy's house almost every day.
But at night time my father continued to beat and torture me in my room.
I had really enjoyed being in the boy's house all of those days and was glad to find myself back with the rest of my friends in school now that the summer was over.
Enjoying my time there and was getting on really well.
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