Red-hot Poker Anyone?
AGE: 5 to 6 years old
Brought to stranger's homes to protect from abuse, but nightly beatings and torture continued,
On the weekend towards evening my mother had to go into the city to get the shopping and said to my father, 'I’ll bring Maurice with me.' when he said, "He'll stay at home here, he is too young to be travelling in the car with just yourself, he could cause you to have an accident and kill the two of ye."
I could tell by my mother’s face that she didn’t like me being left there with my father .
It unnerved her, but she knew not to go against my father’s decision and hit off for the city.
When she had been gone our father said to us that we had to sit there and be quiet while our mother was gone. We sat on the couch and I had been a little nervous about being there as I recalled my father putting the needles in me when my mother had been away in hospital but I settled down as my father had not started to shout at me and my brothers, he was unusually quiet and is felt like that he was minding us.
He put turf in the fire and sat on the ledge just to the right of the fire. He Took up the poker and started to poke the fire with his back to us. He sat there for some time with the poker in his hand that he was holding in over the fire and slightly moving it from time to time and seemed to be just staring into the fire.
He didn’t seem to bother with us at all.
I was now always wary of my father at all times but he was so quiet I did think to myself, 'Is he actually minding us?' but started to also think to myself, 'Why is he so quiet with his back to us, is he up to something?'
I was confused as to whether he was just looking after us or whether he was going to do something to us which led me to be indecisive of the two. We had all been dead quiet when all of a sudden he turned to us raising the poker with a cheeky smile on his face.
Quickly I wondered what was going on, he was not in a rage with the poker held but grinning from ear to ear.
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He started to look me in the eyes, grinning, he came towards me slowly bending down and got right close to me and paused.
I thought, 'What’s going on? Is he going to hit me? This is strange, what is he going to do?'
He then started to come closer really slowly staring in my eyes, he was getting so close I pushed back into the couch, 'What is he going to do?' I thought as I sunk back as far as I could. He lifted the poker and put it close to my face, I could feel burning heat in my face coming from the poker. I tried to push my head further back to get away from burning heat and as I did the poker followed.
I could feel my skin burning and I thought my eyes were going to go on fire and I started to sink down into the bottom of the couch to get my face away but the poker still followed.
I panicked, I didn’t know what to do, I could not take the heat any longer and out of desperation I tried to push the poker away from my face.
I had reached forward as far as I could as to avoid pushing on the red hot tip of the poker.
Reaching to half way down on the poker I quickly pushed it away burning the palm of my hand.
He moved it close to my face again, he was laughing like crazy, again not able to take the heat I pushed at it again with the same result burning my hand.
My father had left the poker resting in the fire for so long that the heat had travelled all the way down to the handle.
There was nothing I could do only to receive burns to my hand by pushing at the poker in an attempt to avoid it resulting in my eye.
I thought he would never stop, my heart was racing and my palm was badly burned, the pain was absurd but I didn’t let up in my quest to get free and kept pushing the poker away.
Watching me panic and in awful pain my father continued as he was thoroughly enjoying seeing me this way. Thinking he would never back off I stopped pushing at the poker, I had given up and got extremely angry and fed up.
Fed up and given up I decided to let him do whatever he wanted to me and left my hand down at my side. I was feeling awful burning to my hand but I quickly forgot when my father put the poker in closer to my face.
Again the burning feeling on my face began it was awful and I decided to try and stick it out without defending and with the intention to try and show him that it wasn’t bothering me. There was no other way left.
Saying to myself I won’t give in no matter what.
My eyes were burning like mad, I thought my eyes and skin were on fire, I never felt anything like it, initially I was trying to show no emotion in my face and using determination to help me through but I was getting through on pure anger alone.
Now my father wasn’t getting what he wanted and pulled back looking angry.
My eyes were still burning like crazy but I sat there motionless as if I wasn’t feeling any pain. I thought, 'Is this working? Will he go away?'
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My eyes were burning so bad I said to myself I don’t care if he does something else to me as long as he stays away until the burning within my eyes went away.
He was very angry looking and I started saying to myself, 'Please, please stay away until the burning goes, then you can do what you want.'
He had stayed away long enough and my eyes and skin started to cool down and with this I started to feel the burn from the palm of my hand and while concentrating on that pain I had been looking down at my hand.
My father had noticed that I was bothered and in pain with my hand and a big smile came on his face, looked me in the eyes and then unknown to me he had slowly put the hot poker close to my wrist, looked down and up again to be staring directly face to face, staring in my eyes.
Now with that grin on his face again I knew he was going to do something but I wasn’t too worried as the poker had been away from my face.
All I could think about was the relief of my eyes and skin when he placed the poker on the top of my palm and pushed down on it holding it while it burned into me.
I shouted, 'Ahhhh! You bastard! Ahhhh!' pulling my badly burned hand away, the pain was horrendous.
I grabbed around my wrist with my other hand, shouting in pain, my brothers were stuck to the couch in fear. I couldn’t believe that something could be so painful and while still shouting in pain holding my hand, to my disbelief he put the poker to my hand again, I pulled my hand away and he followed with the poker and touched it on my skin again, I went into shock panicking saying to myself, 'He's not going to stop! What the hell am I to do?' As fast as I could pull my hand away he replied by being just as quick making contact with my hand every time, he was grinning like crazy.
After some time of this struggle my father had burned my hand several times and I decided to put them behind my back in the hope he would stop.
As I did he looked angry again and I felt uneasy as I had left my face exposed to the poker again. He then grinned at me and walked off into the kitchen.
I brought my hands back around from the back of the couch, and looked at the burns, the pain was absurd, I glanced over at my brothers they all seemed to be very distressed looking. I sat there for a long time before the pain subsided, we were all still in shock on the couch when our mother got home.
I heard the car pull up outside, and as she came in the kitchen I heard my father greeted, he said, "Come in here and see what this fool done to himself!" 'Who?' said my mother.
"That Maurice burned himself with the poker." replied my father.
She entered the room and came straight over and I had put my hand down to the side.
'Did you burn yourself Maurice?' said my mother looking worried.
Feeling very withdrawn I barely got the word out but I knew I had to answer my mother and hope she didn’t notice why I was withdrawn from everyone.
'Yeah, I did.' I muttered to her. 'Show me.' she said and I slowly lifted my hand up, keeping it at a distance hoping she wouldn’t see how bad it was and then leave without asking questions.
'Oh! Jesus! That looks really bad.' she said bending down to get a closer look.
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'Are you all right? Did you put it under the tap?' she said when from behind my father said
"I left the tap running there for him and sure he went away from it, what more could I do with him?" he said with a cheeky smile on his face.
'Come on again and I’ll run it under the tap' she said.
"Isn’t he all right? Wasn’t it under long enough?" with some anger in his voice to get his way but my mother insisted and brought me to the tap.
My mother ran my hand under the water and had not twigged anything.
This continued every time my mother and been gone shopping but with my father smartly just touching off me with the hot poker and not leaving a noticeable burn.
On the weekend again while eating dinner my mother told us that she was going to the city to do the shopping and from across the table I saw my father grinning.
I knew what the grin meant and I said to myself, 'I don’t want to go through this anymore'.
and asked my mother could I go with her.
'Sur you can', she said glancing at my father to see his reaction.
"No! He can’t go with you." my father said, "I told you before he'll cause an accident if he goes with you, killing yerselves or killing someone else."
I was disappointed looking to my mother who also looking disappointed that she had failed in her attempt to bring me with her. She knew I really wanted to go and wouldn’t have said no if my father had not been there.
I knew not to ask again my father's answer was fixed and decided quickly to go and hide in the car in an attempt to overthrow my father’s answer.
I rushed my dinner and went outside opened the back door of the car and got in.
I wondered would I be allowed to go when my mother and father sees me in the car but I quickly interpreted the answer and decided to hide behind the passenger seat.
I went down as far as I could go crawled behind the seat.
I wondered would I get away with it, would I be seen by my father or mother.
After some time I heard my mother saying, 'Where is Maurice?' I thought my plan didn’t work, I had hoped that my mother would have not noticed I was missing got in the car and proceed to the city with me hiding in the back.
'I wonder where he is. I heard her say, I said to myself, 'They will find me', and I’m going to have to stay behind.
He’s around somewhere I heard my father say from behind the car. "Sure go on. I’ll find him, he could not be gone far."
'I'll go so.' I heard my mother say, I got excited thinking I’m probably going to get away with it.
I heard my mother walking to the door of the car and I hoped she would not look in the back, and I wondered was my father close to the car thinking he might look in if he was.
My mother got to the driver’s door and sat in, as she did I was sure that my father was looking in to the back of the car and he was going to catch me hiding.
My mother had not closed the door and had been doing something within the front of the car. 'Start the car, start the car..' I kept saying in my mind.
I was anxious thinking about what the outcome was going to be.
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Then I heard my mother’s door shut, I waited for her to start the car saying to myself, 'I’m nearly there, I’m nearly there..' hoping.
My mother started the car, I got excited thinking I’m actually going to get away with it but still thinking where is my father, 'Is he gone away from the car or is he standing beside it?'
I heard the car go into gear and felt it move off, I felt a sigh of relief that I didn’t get caught and I was on my way with my mother and away from my father.
I decided to wait for my mother to get some distance up the road before letting her know that I was there so it would be too late to turn back if this is what she had to do.
She might bring me back as to not go against my father knowing what he said about me being in the car and causing an accident.
When I thought we were gone far enough I came out from the back of the seat and appeared between the two front seats, my mother heard me and looked back quickly, she got a fright saying, 'What are you doing there?' while looking forward and concentrating on driving. 'Jeasus! you gave me an awful fright' she said, I didn’t say anything I was just really happy to be in the car with my mother.
'Are you all right?' she said to me. 'Yeah, I am,' I replied. 'Ok, but you will have to sit back there in the back in case something happens and you go flying through the front window.'
I stayed in the back as my mother said, I wanted to be up the front with my mother but anything was better than being left at home with my father.
I sat there in the back feeling very happy and after some time I went up between the two front seats and started to look out the front window.
My mother said to me to hold on tight to one of the seats and then she slowed the car down. I was happy my mother didn’t tell me to go back into the back, she seemed happy that I was in such good form.
All through the journey my mother would ask me was I all right and was I holding on tight to the seat. My mother was always very caring and good to me.
When we got to the city I went with my mother and got the shopping.
Afterwards my mother said to me we will go to the coffee shop and get tea and a bun before we go home. We went to the restaurant, my mother ordered a pot of tea and at the counter and told me to pick which bun I wanted. I picked my bun, then we sat down and after a while the waitress brought the tea and buns to our table.
At first I was very happy with my mother asking me was I all right and did I want more tea, she was so nice to me. But after awhile thinking about what a good time I was having with my mother and that it would be great if it was like this all the time.
I started to think that it would never be like this all the time and I got sad thinking that when we have eaten our food and drank our tea we would be going home.
I totally withdrew from my mother, I wasn’t able to talk, I was so depressed at the thought of going home, and most of all home to my father.
I kept hoping time would go slow looking to my mother’s food hoping I would never see it finished and we could stay here forever.
My mother had noticed I got down in myself and she looked sad, she knew what was going on in my mind. As I seen my mother’s food disappear from her plate I became very sad and anxious about going home. All I wanted was time to go slow and I kept hoping this.
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To my delight my mother took her time and filled up her cup again but to my dismay she said to me that we would be going very soon that we had to go home we’ve been gone a long time. My mother finished her tea and we went to the car, I sat in the back all the way home feeling sad. The happiness felt very short lived and now it was time to go back to the evil that awaited at home, the evil that was my father.
The next time my mother was going shopping I tried to achieve the same feat and had hid again in the back of the car only to be pulled out of it by my father shouting, "Look where he is again! Come out of there before you cause an accident. Did you see where he was again" he shouted to my mother.
I started to try and get away from my father and get to the car, I was trying as hard as I could but I couldn’t get away. My father shouted to my mother to get in the car quickly and drive off saying, "Hurry on quick. I’ll hold him here."
My mother did what was asked and drove off with my father having a firm hold on me.
I had tried this every time my mother had to go shopping with the same result my father catching me as I hid in the car and prevented me from going.
I was stuck with my father every time after that when my mother had gone to do the shopping and my father continued to severely burn me while she was gone and on her return he would say to my mother, "See what the fuckin edgit did again, burned himself with the poker and you can’t do anything with him he won’t stay away from it."
My mother was manipulated and believed my father that it was my own fault that I was getting burned.
I couldn’t tell my mother or anyone what was going on as my father had conditioned me to this by always telling me that I had to do what he said and not tell or he would kill me or my mother. As time went on again I had been living two lives playing with my brothers going to friends’ houses the weekends being happy and then finding myself in a nightmare with my father abusing me but now I was very unhealthy, feeling very depressed from time to time, having nose bleeds all the time and getting sick from the poison that my father had still been putting into my body and I started to feel severe pain in between my legs.
I knew I had to try and just get on with things and not tell anyone about the pain between my legs as I knew the awful pain was a result of the time my father spent punching and squeezing me with the pliers.
It was very difficult to try and cope and get on with things while pretending I was fine as every day that passed the pain got worse and worse.
It became impossible to concentrate in school, I was leaving the classroom to get sick and it was nearly impossible to get through the day with the pain between my legs.
All I did was concentrate on the pain from second to second while feeling the sore bumps on my head.
I felt very verry unhealthy and it was effecting everything in school and at home while my brothers played around the house I lay in my bed in severe pain.
I had come out from time to time as to not let anyone see what I was going through.
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I was withdrawn from everyone because of the pain, my mother had not noticed that I had to lie in bed during the day as she was so busy with the house work and helping my father on the farm.
Deane had come into my room from time to time asking me to come outside to play with me telling him I was very tired and would be out in a while and he had not noticed anything either.
The violence from my father continued, I continued to be in pain and I continued to not tell anyone about what I was going through.
My health was at a serious low and every day I struggled to get through.
My mother had been still putting me to bed early to avoid the blows of the poker but my father was still coming into my room later in the night torturing me.
I had been already being in a lot of pain during the days when my father entered my room shortly after my mother put me to bed.
He done to me the usual punched me in the stomach repeatedly and took the pliers from his pocket and tortured my private parts.
The pain was excruciating, I was now six years and still very young and I didn’t want to go on anymore and didn’t care if my life ended thinking I would probably be better off if I was dead.
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Chapter 11 - Safe Outside and Freezing to Death Chapter 11
Safe Outside and Freezing to Death
AGE: 5 to 6 years old
Living my nights outside in the rain, winds and bitter cold to keep from nightly being abused, suffering pain from past abuses, The following evening my mother told me to go to bed and I said to myself, 'I can’t give up and I’m not going to let my father torture me anymore.' so I waited for one of my brothers to go to the toilet and went to my mother and told her that I was going out in to the yard to go to the toilet because I could not hold it.
She had no problem with this and I told her that I would go straight to bed when I came back. I then went outside with the intention of staying out until it was very late and avoid the torture in my room as my father would have by then been in bed asleep.
When I got outside it was dark and I went in the direction of my father’s sheds, I went to the very back and located a place that I thought would be the least likely room in the sheds that my father would find me in if he noticed that I was gone from the house.
I started to walk inside but it was very dark and I could not see where I was going and I wanted to get to the very back wall of the room to be furthest away as possible from being seen. I put my hands out in front of me and started to walk very slowly in the hope of finding the wall at the back. I was a bit scared that I was in the dark in the middle of the night and although I could not see where I was going I closed my eyes so I would not see if there was something bad or someone bad in the room.
After a bit of a struggle with the dark and the feeling of being scared my hands had touched the back wall. I turned and walked forward a few steps and I got very scared and wanted to get out of there saying to myself that my father is probably going to find me in here so I made my way out feeling relieved of the fear of the dark shed and I decided to walk down the road to a place myself and Deane played on a flat piece of rock that had been just over the wall on the road I was walking.
I thought I could lie down there and rest.
Although it was dark I could easily recognise the part of the wall that I had to climb to get onto the rock to rest, as myself and Deane had been there a lot during the day playing.
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Chapter 11 - Safe Outside and Freezing to Death I recognised the part of the wall and started to climb, it didn’t take me long to clear the wall as it was very low and I got onto the big flag of rock.
I didn’t know what I was going to do until I thought it would be clear to go home.
I sat down on the rock and just started to look around in the dark.
After a short time sitting there I got very bored wondering what I was going to do until I could go home.
As time went on I became very uneasy just sitting there and thinking how am I going to stick this until its clear to go back to the house, knowing I was going to have to wait for hours into the night.
I got off the rock and started to walk into the field and back again to the rock, I done this for some time before going back to sit on the rock and back to thinking, 'How am I going to stick this out?' After some time I found myself off the rock and pacing up and down the field again.
Time seemed to go so slow and although I had no way of telling the time I had decided just to wait a very long time before going back to ensure enough time had passed and my father would be long in bed asleep.
From some time switching from sitting to pacing around the field I grew very tired and wondered had I spent enough time away from the house and decided to wait a bit longer, in doing so I started to feel could not keep my eyes open and after that wait, I again decided to wait another while to be sure.
I decided I would keep walking knowing that if I sat on the rock again I would probably fall asleep there. I struggled to keep my eyes open but did so and decided that enough time has passed and I could go back to the house.
I got back on to the rock and onto the wall. I had very little energy left and found it hard climbing from the wall and onto the road but after being as careful as I could and taking my time I got my feet on the road and started the walk back.
On the way back although very tired and out of energy I felt safe at the thought of going in to bed and not having my father enter the room doing bad things to me.
Everything was so quiet on the walk up to the house and when I was in view of the house I seen that all the lights were out and the house was in complete darkness.
My mind rested seeing this as I knew that I had stayed out long enough and everybody was in bed.
My mother didn’t notice that I had been out of the house and most of all my father was asleep. I walked through the house quietly and into my bedroom and again feeling tired I had woke a little with excitement that I could finally go to bed without all the horrible things happening to me and I had forgotten all about how hard it was staying out in the dark, I was just really happy that I could go to bed feeling safe and took my clothes off and went to bed.
I had got up for school in the morning on time but in class I started to feel the effects of staying out late. I had been feeling unwell in school now for some time from the poisoning sometimes getting sick on the floor in class where the teacher would have to clean it up after I got sick and all day I would look to the wet patch on the floor where I got sick wondering, "Why doesn’t anybody else in the class get sick?' and feeling unwell from the 75
Chapter 11 - Safe Outside and Freezing to Death physical abuse I was receiving from my father and now I found myself not able to stay awake in class with my avoidance of the abuse from the night just gone.
I had conquered the avoidance but now I wasn’t able to conquerer the consequence of it.
I kept putting my head down on the desk to rest and although I lifted my head back up again very soon after. I had done it so many times that the teacher had noticed and had said to me, 'You can’t be sleeping in class.' that we were here to learn.
I tried my best to stay awake but I struggled with this throughout the day with the teacher on my case all day.
The evening had come and although I struggled really bad all day with the tiredness my objective was to do the same again and stay out late to avoid the abuse.
So while being in my room shortly after my mother told myself and my brothers to go to bed, I made my way to the sitting room telling my mother that I had to go outside for the toilet, she had a suspicious face on asking me why I was going outside to go to the toilet.
'Philip is in the toilet and I can’t wait so I’m going outside.' I said.
'Come straight back in when you are finished and into bed.' my mother said to me.
I had the feeling that my mother might have known something about me being out the night before so when I went outside I thought to myself, 'I’m going to have to go back in.
How am I going to do it this time?' I thought to myself, I was sure that my mother was keeping a close eye on me this time.
I said, 'Will I just disappear off down the road? Or will I go inside to show my mother that I came back in and then somehow get outside without her noticing?'
I then walked into the kitchen and turned around and back outside, I thought to myself,
'Will I just go down the road and into the fields because if I don’t I'll be stuck in my room with the torture that awaited me?'
I decided to walk in and show myself to my mother with the hope of by then having thought of a way to get outside without my mother noticing.
As I walked in and showed myself nothing had come to mind and I was stuck without a plan on how to escape unnoticed from the house.
I walked past my mother who was sitting on the couch in the sitting room and went into my room still without any idea how I was going to get out.
I stalling in my room with the intention of not giving up on my quest for a way out of the house.
After some time just standing there thinking I became very eager to get out knowing that my father could appear to me any minute.
And I decided to go into the sitting room and see if my mother was there, I was hoping that she had moved to some other part of the house and I could just walk out the door without being seen. When I got to the sitting room my mother had not moved and was sitting still on the couch.
I became frustrated seeing her in the same position and in clear view of me as I made my way through the sitting room with no idea what I was going to do now and I got nervous knowing my mother was going to question where I was going again.
I had absolutely no idea what I was going to reply if she did.
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Chapter 11 - Safe Outside and Freezing to Death Hoping she wouldn’t ask I had gotten half way through the room when my mother said,
'Where are you going now?'
'Nowhere.' I said to her and a bit of a shocked look came on her face as I looked back at her and still walking forward.
'Where are you going?' she said sounding very eager as to what my answer was going to be.
'Outside.' I said and my mother said, 'Why?' really quickly as I was nearly beyond the perimeter of the room and stepping into the kitchen.
'Now. Why.' I said and continued on in through the kitchen and outside to where I stalled there thinking will I just keep going or will I go back in knowing that my mother was suspicious of what I was doing and was keeping a close eye.
My mind was very indecisive of what to do and I knew I had to do something quick before my mother had come to understand what was going on.
Thinking I didn’t have much time I reacted by starting to walk into the house, while on route to the sitting room I hoped that by now my mother would have moved away from the sitting room. To my disappointment she was still sitting there and looked content in doing so.
I started to think I wasn’t going to be able to follow through on my quest to get away and come away with the same outcome as the night before and avoid the abuse.
I kept walking through the sitting room again hoping that at some point my mother would not be there but after some time doing this and my mother still in the same position I decided to go back to my room and into bed as I thought my mother had definitely known what I was up to and I didn’t want to do anything that would make her worry.
I would never do anything to worry my mother and stayed in my room leaving myself open to being subjected to my father’s treatment.
And my father had taken advantage of me being in home that night, coming in to my room and inflicted torture and pain onto me.
The following evening came and it was the same routine, after dinner myself and my brothers would do our homework and afterwards sit around hoping our father wouldn’t kick off before being told its time for bed by our mother.
My father had kicked off that evening giving me some blows to the head with the poker but he had not followed me to the room as he was now leaving it later to come in to me and not letting my mother see what was going on.
The blows to the head were not nice but I just couldn’t go through with what my father was doing to me in the room anymore as now the pain between my legs even through the day was unbearable and I couldn’t take further punishment to that area.
So after the blows to my head from my father, my mother rushed us all to bed.
I waited in my room and didn’t undress.
I waited for a short time until I heard the house settle down and I just started to walk through the house quickly past my mother who had said nothing and out the back door without thinking anything at all.
I had erased all thought from my head walking through the house just to get out as I knew from the night before thinking about my mother sitting there worrying about me had kept me in the house.
This had worked to get me out of the house and I had thought while at the back of the house about what my mother might do and what way she would be if she was monitoring 77
Chapter 11 - Safe Outside and Freezing to Death what was going on and had noticed I was gone missing but that wasn’t stopping me, I was not staying in the house tonight one way or another and continued to walk off down the road.
I had got myself to the part of the wall where I knew I had to get over to get onto my place of rest, climbed the wall and on to the flag of rock. I found myself in the same predicament as the night before sitting there bored and feeling uneasy about time going so slow and not being able to sit still.
So I started to pace up and down the field taking short walks from the rock and stopping short of the nearby wall and back. And while doing so I could identify the feelings I had with the ones of the night before.
Stressed with the time going so slow and the length I had to stay in the field for.
I had no idea of what else to do, there was nothing else so I stayed pacing up and down and while doing so I felt a large amount of light rain on the top of my head.
It started to make a light drizzle at first and I kept walking up and down thinking it wasn’t that bad and it was going to stop very soon.
After a bit of time while waiting it out I got really worried that I was beginning to get fairly wet and then the drizzle didn’t cease like I thought it would, it got heavier and I started to really feel it in my clothes and quickly moved in to the wall and tried to get shelter by bending down and staying as tight to the wall as I could.
The wall had been very low to the point where while bent down as far as I could go it was barely extending over my head and I had been in between two wisps of trees that were giving no amount of shelter.
I had still been getting wet as the drizzle was coming across the top of the wall and on to me. I looked around to see if I could spot a place that would provide me with more shelter but nothing seemed to fit the description.
I had spotted two locations that wouldn’t provide shelter but they looked like they might be a small bit better than the place I was in.
I looked at one of the locations and contemplated for some time about making a run to it but I kept saying to myself I will probably get very wet on route or will I stay here and try and live with the little protection I have.
I justified this by saying I would get very wet getting there and it might not hold any more protection for me and decided against it.
Although deciding to stay where I was I knew it was only a matter of time before I was soaked-through and I started to think what more can I do.
I knew I had to do something and thought of making my way to the sheds and get a plastic manure bag and I could hold it over my head and stop the rain hitting me but again thinking I’m going to get very wet trying to get to the sheds.
Or I can wait it out here, I discussed this in my head and came to the conclusion that one way or another I was going to get wet and thought it would be best to go to the shed and get the bag thinking the rain might continue into the night and I started to move climbing the wall that I had been under and into the field that had the sheds in my view.
As I walked through the field I started to get very wet and I began to get very depressed and angry at the situation I had been in, out late into the night getting wet trying to avoid my father’s cruel harsh treatment.
During this state of depression and anger I got a kick of happiness and it popped in my head that I could just spend the night in the shed for shelter. I felt a great sense of relief 78
Chapter 11 - Safe Outside and Freezing to Death thinking, 'Why didn’t I just go there in the first place?' and not have spent my time outside in the field but I didn’t live this happiness for long as I thought to myself, 'If my father is looking for me, he will probably find me in the sheds.
I went back into a depressed state again and got very frustrated at thinking, 'I’m going to have to wait it out in the field getting wet.'
All I can do now is get the bag and head into the field and use the bag to protect me from the rain I said to myself and continued on towards the sheds.
As I walked past the back of the house I thought maybe I could be seen if they had noticed I was gone and was up looking for me.
I seen that there was no lights on and said to myself that they are all in bed, my mother father and brothers.
I started to think about my brothers being in bed and not having to do what I was doing saying to myself, 'This is not fair! I wish I was in bed like my brothers. Why me? Why me?'
I thought.
Those thoughts disappeared quickly as I thought maybe my father is looking out of the kitchen with the lights off and started to feel I was being watched looking to the window but could not see if he had been there or not.
But I was so fed up I then said to myself, 'If he is there, he is there, what can I do? I need to get the bag from the shed.'
I got to the small gate that was the entry to the sheds from the field I was in, started to open the small gate and seen that the shed door had been closed, seeing this made me very depressed thinking I’m not going to be able to get my hands on a bag from the shed.
I got through the gate and stood in front of the shed door wondering is there any way I could get in but I quickly realised that I was never going to get it open and as I stood there I was still feeling that maybe I was being watched by my father from the darkness inside the kitchen window.
But I had to keep going and thought that I’ll find a bag from the other side of the sheds where myself and my brothers used to climb with the ladder and I remembered too when we did so seeing bags and other stuff there lying around.
I started to walk there slowly as that if my father had been watching he would not see that I was running away and that if I started to go quickly he would come after me.
I got around to the other side of the shed and looked into the open shed and seen a load of bags and I quickly ran over to them to find that they had been tied together with twine.
I tried to pull one free but they had been tightly tied together and could not manage it.
I ran to the side of the shed and peeked out to see if my father had been coming towards the shed, I did not see him and ran back to the bags panicking about how the hell I was going to get one free from the tightly tied pile.
I tried again to free the bags but I quickly realised I would not be able to pull one free and I started to look around to see if I could see anything that would cut the string.
I spotted bits of sharp steel that was laying on the ground beside old paint buckets and decided I would try to use them to cut the twine but beforehand I quickly again ran over to the corner of the shed and peeked out to see if my father was coming.
When I seen he wasn’t coming I ran over and picked up a bit of steel and started to cut the twine. I was slow in doing so as the steel was cutting in to my hand and decided to look 79
Chapter 11 - Safe Outside and Freezing to Death again to see if my father was coming and if he wasn’t I was to run back and try to finish cutting the twine. Again I hadn’t seen any sign of my father and got back to cutting the twine.
I was slow again in trying to get through the twine as I could not apply much pressure, the steel had been again cutting into my hand. Again I wanted to look to see if my father was coming but I started to think I need to stay here to free the bag but I said to myself, 'I’m going to have to do it as fast as I can.' before my father comes around the corner.
I tried to put the pain in my hand to the back of my mind and started cutting into the twine, I then paused as the pain in my hand was stinging like crazy and I had looked down at the palm of my hand and seen from the light of the moon coming in the open shed that the palm of my hand had been cut in a few places.
Again at the thought of my father catching me I went over grabbed as many bits of steel I could see on the ground and started to desperately cut the twine, picking one up and trying it and then dropping it and picking up another one.
I was desperate and had sliced my hand even more picking up the sharp bits of steel but I eventually got through the twine and got the bag I was so desperate for.
With the bag in my possession I decided quickly that I would go around the back of the sheds and into the field to avoid being seen by my father if he had been looking from the window.
I ran around and climbed through the big gate into the field again knowing that I was still in sight from the kitchen but I thought I might be ok as I was now at the back of the field and I might not be seen if I walked close to the wall and down along until I got where I had to cross the field.
I went over to the corner of the water tank and peeked out to see if I could see any light from the house and was anyone up looking for me before I make the trek down by the back of the field.
To my delight I seen that the house had still been in darkness thinking my mother won’t be worried about me she thinks I’m in bed.
I knew I had to cross where there was sewage as I had been out this far at the back of the sheds playing with my brothers many times with our mother always warning us about getting caught in it.
I didn’t try and cross through the sewage, I had known how deep it was from before trying to cross it with my brothers and we all had got stuck there at some point.
So I went back close to the slurry tank and walked along close to it where there had been no mud and got to the back wall without getting stuck in the sewage.
I bent down and slowly worked my way down by the wall keeping a close eye in the direction of the house.
As I did I had let the plastic bag go, it had got a bit wet from the mist and I hadn’t a tight grip on it as I had it in my hand that got slashed while cutting the twine but I quickly retrieved it grabbing it with my other hand and continued down the field.
I couldn’t wait to get to where I had to cross the field, as now as well as my hand stinging like crazy my legs were getting very sore from bending down as I walked.
When I got to the point where I had to cross over I wondered would I be seen from the house. I had been way down the field but to be sure of not being seen I decided to go down further and then cross over and work my way back up to where I had to go from the other 80
Chapter 11 - Safe Outside and Freezing to Death side. I moved a bit quicker with my legs that were now at the stage of not being able to take the pressure of my stooped-over body.
I got to the point where it would be hard to be seen if anyone was looking from the house and crossed over and made my way quickly up by the wall in an upright position freeing my legs of cramp.
I got to where I had been previously sitting under the wall between the two wisps of trees putting my leg on the bottom of the wall and my hand on the tree to pull myself up.
As I pulled myself up I had to stop and switch and pull myself up with my other hand putting the bag back in the hand that had been cut.
Pulling myself up again I felt very unbalanced and but tried again before coming to realise that I would not be able to get over with only one hand free so I leant over the wall as far as I could go and let the plastic bag go hoping the light wind that had picked up as I worked my way down the field would not blow it away.
I waited a bit of time to see if the bag would blow over the wall before climbing again and when I seen that it had not come in my sight again I put my leg on a stone at the bottom of the wall, hopped up, grabbed the tree and pulled myself up and over the wall letting myself down slowly the other side as to not let the stones off the wall fall on top of me.
I followed the bag that had blown some bit down the field as quick as I could thinking it might get blown over the wall with the wind.
The wind was not strong enough and I retrieved the bag.
I ran over to my place under the wall between the two small trees and started to hold the bag directly over my head. I felt relieved that I had got to where I wanted to be and the misty rain had not been coming down on me as I held the plastic bag from the shed over my head.
Although by now I had been fairly wet from going to the shed and back I was just glad that I had some shelter but after some time my arms became very sore and the residue of the chemical left in the bag was getting washed into the cuts on my palms and started to sting very bad and I could not hold the bag over my head any longer.
I started to worry that I would not be able to shelter myself any longer and I was going to get very wet and I would not be able to do anything about it.
I tried to think of something quickly and an idea came to mind so I got up off the crouched position I had been in where my legs didn’t have much time left in them either as I had to use them to hold the rest of my body. The grass was too wet to sit down on my bum and I lifted a few stones off the wall, placed the bag on top of the wall and put the stones back to hold the bag in place.
I was sure this would work and I bent down again but I quickly learned that I had to still hold the bag with my hands as it flopped down behind my back.
I put my hands behind my head and lifted the bag up, I held it there again until my arms started to hurt again and I let the bag go.
As I gave my arms a rest, the mist was coming down and the wind started to move the bag around and I started to worry that the stones would come down on my head.
This panicked me and I lifted the bag up again, I had become very depressed at the situation of my arms being very sore and worrying that the wall was going to come in on top of me.
The wind started to make the bag move around violently and I decided to take the stones off and take the bag out from the wall. I was very relieved when I done so, thinking the 81
Chapter 11 - Safe Outside and Freezing to Death wall is not going to fall on top of me now but I was back to holding it fully myself knowing that what I had done was a complete waste of time.
I held the bag over my head as long as I could before giving my arms a break, it was a real relief from the pain every time I dropped my arms but I left myself open and exposed to the mist that was starting to really come down.
I done this until I decided enough time had passed and I could go home so I put the bag on the ground and took a stone from the wall and left it on the bag so it would not blow away and it would be there when I came back the following night.
I worked my way up to the house with the clothes stuck to me with the rain, went through the house and into my room taking my wet clothes off as quick as I could.
When I had got them off my skin was wet so I took a dry jumper from the drawer and rubbed myself down until I was dry.
After this I still felt wet as my bones were very cold so I just got into bed and covered myself up. It felt very miserable under the blankets but I was very tired and soon I had fallen asleep.
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The following day at school I looked to my hands seeing the cuts and started to think of the night before and what I had to do and I had incurred the same problem as the day before not being able to stay awake and I was again subjected to the teachers criticism.
I was willing to exchange the teachers criticism for my father’s abuse and the next night after my mother had told myself and my brothers to go to bed I went into my bedroom, put on my coat and just walked out of the house without anyone saying anything.
It had not been raining like the night before so I positioned myself on the slab of rock and braced myself for the long wait.
I started again to look around the field and I looked to where I had been the previous night and seen the bag there with the stone left on top of it and I started to recall the bad memories of the night before.
In doing so I came to think that I could not go through that experience again and said to myself I need to find better shelter for myself in case the rain starts to come down another night. So while I had the freedom of a dry night I started to walk down through the field in the hope of finding better shelter.
I walked down along the same wall that I was taking shelter from the night before while also looking across the field to see if there was any opportunity there as well.
There was very little opportunity from the other side of the field as it seemed to be all stone and a very little amount of trees and I knew I needed to seek refuge from beneath a tree, it was the 'B' option.
As I walked along I seen that this side of the field had the greater amount of trees and I got hopeful of finding a good location for shelter.
I then spotted two big trees close to each other and I got in close to them to look at the ground underneath them and seeing a pile of small stones built up to a height in-between them. I got very happy at the sight of this as it was enormously better than the previous shelter but I decided to walk the rest of the way down the field to see if I could locate an even better spot.
I did this feeling happy knowing that if I couldn’t find something better I still had a place that I thought was plenty good for shelter. I could see that the trees had been smaller the rest of the way down but I walked down anyway knowing I had plenty of time to waste.
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Chapter 11 - Safe Outside and Freezing to Death I had seen nothing but at this stage I was only half looking as I knew the trees were smaller down here and I started to get eager to go back and position myself in the new location and started to walk back.
I got there and quickly went under the branches and walked carefully up to the top of the stones beneath the two trees. I sat down on the pile of rocks and rested my elbows on my knees, I felt so happy as I looked around and I seen that I was well surrounded with branches over and all around me.
I was happily settled there but before long I started became very bored in my new home, staring out into the night knowing that this is it for a long time before its time to go back to the house.
Time was going so slow and it felt like I had been sitting there looking into the night forever but I was again going to wait a very long time before going back, I wanted again to make sure I had left it enough time and my father would not be still up.
All I could think about was the waiting and how hard it was to stay there waiting.
It started to make me very depressed and I put my head on my hands and looked down at the stones between my legs for a change not to be looking out at the dark and to also try and rest but after a very short time I lifted my head again as I was so restless I could not rest. My body was tired but my mind was restless.
I kept trying to rest my head between my legs but after some seconds lifting my head and finding myself looking out into the night again.
I had better shelter but I was more restless now than the nights before, the time was so slow. I thought to myself, 'Will I just go home?' and quickly decided against it saying to myself, 'I can’t go back to that! What I’m doing is working.' and looked out into the night once again.
After a long anxious excruciating wait, the time came when I thought I had spent enough time out and like the nights before I decided to wait a little longer to be sure and I got back to resting my head and looking out into the night before eventually saying, 'Enough time has passed and I’m going back.'
The next day at school I was again very tired and my body felt very weak but I tried harder to stay awake and look alive as I didn’t want the teacher on my case and maybe start to ask questions.
And now I had accepted the tiredness during the day at school and that this was going to be the way it was as I thought it was better exchanging the violence for this.
I struggled for the first half of the day but I had pulled out of it after that and got on with the day without the teacher noticing anything.
In the following days I became used to the tiredness at school and it made it easier to hide from the teacher what was going on. Now I was away from the violence during the night but during the weekends while my mother was doing the shopping my father continued to burn me and beat me over the head with the poker in the evenings but I was making it very difficult for him to torture me in my room with tools from the shed now that I was away from the house at night.
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Chapter 12 - Living Two Lives Chapter 12
Living Two Lives
AGE: 5 to 6 years old
Brought to stranger's homes to protect from abuse, but nightly beatings and torture continued,
Things were now a little better, my mother hadn’t noticed I was away from the house at night and on the violence front my father hadn’t his hands on me as much but although hadn’t he started to criticize and shout abuse at me a lot more.
I was still going through an awful time trying to suffer through the pain I had in my private parts but I knew I still could not tell anyone what my father had been doing to me and I had somehow learned to live the two lives, living with the abuse and switching off and getting on with the other, playing with my brothers at home and my friends at school.
The atmosphere at home had changed and had been a little better and to my delight one of the neighbours had come to the house telling us that the Galway international rally was going to be in our home town this coming weekend and started to tell us about the cars going so fast and how quick you would see them pass by.
I got really excited and could not wait for the weekend to come, I had been thinking about it all during the week at school. When the morning of the rally had come our neighbour came to the house telling us what time to go down the road to watch the cars.
I had been in a lot of pain that morning and kept going to my room from time to time to lie down with the pain. Declan had come into my room on a couple of occasions asking me what I was doing lying in bed and that we would be going to see the rally cars very soon.
After some time I wondered why Declan had not come and told me that we had to go so I got up and went into the kitchen and asked my mother where Declan was.
She said, 'Shur himself and Colin are gone to the rally he said he was sick waiting for you and said that you probably didn’t want to go.'
'Do you want to go?' my mother said with me quickly replying, 'Yeah! I do.' I was quite ill but I really wanted to go to the rally.
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"Sur can't yourself and Philip and Deane go, I’ll ask yer father will he bring ye. Wait until he comes and I’ll ask him, won't he bring ye down to Declan and Colin, and ye can wait there with them.'
In the meantime while waiting on my father Philip had said that he didn’t want to go and Deane following him saying he didn’t want to go either.
My father then came up the field and my mother went out the back to meet him asking,
'Will you bring Maurice and Philip if he wants to go, and Deane as well, if he wants to go down to see the cars?'
I heard my father angrily saying, "Bring them down? I'd go down and throw them in front of the cars, the cunts! What? Bring them down? Let them go and fuck!" and walked off into the yard.
My mother came in and said, 'Yer father can’t bring ye, so I’ll go down with ye and we will find Declan and Colin and ye can stay with them and I’ll go back up to the house then.'
She turned to Philip an asked him would he go and stay with me if we couldn’t find Declan and Colin.
'No! I don’t want to go.' he said and my mother turned to Deane and said, 'You don’t want to go either do you Deane? and he too said, 'No.' and she then said to Philip to stay there with Deane while she brought me down to Declan and Colin.
'Ok' said Philip and my mother took me by the hand and started to walk me down the road. As we walked down the road we seen Declan and Colin walking up the road, I wondered where they are going. and when we got close my mother said, 'Did ye get fed up of it already?' with Declan replying, 'No we were coming back to see if Maurice wanted to come down to see the cars. Philip and Deane said to us they didn’t want to go so we were coming back for Maurice.'
So my mother let me off with Declan and Colin and we went down and Declan held onto me as my mother had asked him to do so before going back up to the house, telling them how dangerous it would be with the cars speeding.
After some time waiting around standing behind the barriers that had lined up along the road the first car came flying down the road, it was really exciting and after a while Philip walked Deane down the road and joined us for the day.
I was able to somehow push the pain aside and the thought of what my father was doing to me when I was with other people enjoying myself.
I had to, I didn’t want my brothers or others to notice anything.
I struggled on during the days and stayed away from the house at night.
I had been just walking out of the house without caring who seen me or whether anyone was thinking about where I was going and I was getting away with it.
I didn’t care because it was just more important for me to get out and away for the night avoiding the abuse. And once again I had walked out of the house and found myself under the trees staring out at the night, anxious and unsettled trying to wait it out with the time again going painfully slow.
Sometime into the night it started to make a heavy mist and became windy.
I put my head between my legs and pulled my coat up over my head, the branches had been taking most of the rain but some drops had been coming down on my back and eventually after some time had got through my coat and jumper and I could feel it on my 85
Chapter 12 - Living Two Lives skin. I was finding it hard to breathe being crouched over with my head between my legs but I had to do this to try and cover as much of my body as I could but eventually I had to come up into an upright position to breathe properly for a while but I could not break for long, I couldn’t let the mist that had now got heavier and coming through the branches, come down on my head and wet my front as well.
I could protect my front but I had to settle for my back taking the brunt of it and taking all of the rain. I found myself taking short breaks to breathe properly and the rest of the time with my head between my legs with the coat pulled over my head anxiously waiting the time but this time struggling to breathe.
The wind and rain picked up even more and I tried to stay crouched up and not come up for air as much. I had protected myself fairly well from the rain but it came with a price, that being the struggle I had trying to breathe properly while crouched over but the wait was finally over and I hit off up to the house taking off the wet clothes, drying myself and into bed.
The following night or nights I had been under the tree where it started to make a heavy mist and got really windy and I had again been protecting myself with the coat pulled over my head and in-between my legs.
After some time it got really stormy and the rain had been blowing in on top of me, I didn’t know anything but to wait it out and I did so as the weather got steadily worse but it came to a stage where I started to panic at how bad it was and was getting and I tried to think what could I do knowing that I was going to get soaking wet very soon.
As I tried to think, the weather got as bad as it could get, rain blowing in on me and the wind had picked up at an alarming rate and I knew I had to start moving.
A thought quickly came to my head about taking shelter in the neighbour's farm shed that was past the gate at the end of the field that was directly behind me.
I pulled the coat from over my head and started to get over the wall, I quickly done this without hurting myself jumping over and safely landing in the next field and quickly looking to where I was within the open field.
Instantly I recognised where I was, to the right was my house way up at the top of the field and to my left was the end gate of the field with the farmers shed just across the road from the other side of the gate. I made a run for the gate as I knew I hadn’t much time before I got fully soaked-through from the rain.
As I ran the wind knocked me over, I got up again and started to run once more but got the same result and fell onto the ground from the very strong wind.
Getting up again with my clothes wet from the wet grass I decided to walk there and started to walk. Even walking, the wind was nearly blowing me to the ground, the wind would make a big gust and nearly put me over and then I would stop and wait a few seconds before walking again.
The gate was not far away but I was making very slow progress towards it, walking getting nearly blown over and the pausing for a bit to get my balance before moving forward again.
I started to get very frustrated at how wet I got from the falls onto the wet grass and the rain coming down on top of me from the slow progress towards the gate.
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Chapter 12 - Living Two Lives I thought I would never get there but after a big struggle against the strong wind I found myself at the gate and had the farmers shed in sight.
I put my hands on the gate and as I bent over to climb through I could feel how wet my clothes had got with them sticking to me back.
On the other side I took the walk across the road slowly and even though I was coming close to being sheltered I was very depressed about how wet I had got.
And now in one way I wasn’t as eager for shelter as I had been while under the trees but I continued on climbing under the farmers gate and looking around to see where to go.
I seen to the left of me that there had been a big open shed with bales of hay in it and made my way in. I lent up against the bales, I was too wet to sit and let the clothes stick to me.
I was then grateful for the shelter I now had looking out and seeing how bad it was but I was still depressed at how wet I was.
I didn’t know what to think, I had shelter but I was wet.
I started to think what if the farmer catches me and I became anxious of where I was taking shelter and what the outcome would be. 'Will I be able to stay here for the length of time I needed without been seen by the farmer?' I kept saying to myself.
The wind then again picked up even more, occasionally blowing rain in on top of me but I could not go in the shed any further as I was in as far as I could go as it was. I had looked to the bales of hay to see if I could climb them and get away from the rain, but they looked too dangerous to climb.
So I had to stay put with the rain occasionally coming in on me and constantly thinking about the farmer coming around the corner and catching me.
All I did was talk to myself saying, 'Please don’t come around the corner!' over and over and over in my mind hoping that the outcome would be in my favour, seeing the night out without anyone catching me.
Time was so slow.
But it eventually came to the time that it was safe to go home, but the weather persisted into the night and I knew it would be a very difficult task to get home from where I was.
I stayed put, in the hope that the weather would calm and I could make it home safely, I really didn’t want to head back out into the storm and was in a way happy to stay put but I knew this was giving more time to be caught by the farmer and I again started to repeat the words, 'Please don’t come around the corner!' in my mind.
I waited and waited and waited and by the time it eased I had been there all night and the brightness of the morning started to come through.
I knew that I had no school but I started to wonder was my parents out of bed and started to worry. I made my way out of the shed, across the road and into the field with the house in my sight way in the distance.
I walked slowly and although I was a great distance away and could not see if there was any movement from within the sitting room window. I kept looking ahead and hoping that as I got closer I would recognise if someone had been there.
I was going slow as to not be making great movement thinking my father could be at the window and would see me, although I had no idea what I was going to do if I was seen that he was there or if he was there and had come to see me coming up the field.
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Chapter 12 - Living Two Lives I got to the point where I could see if there was movement from behind the glass and I see that there was nobody there, but I was still nervous thinking that my parents could be up but somewhere else in the house.
I walked quickly to the back of the house and seen that the back door was open, I didn’t know if it was open because somebody was up or whether it had been just left open since the start of the night.
In seeing this and not being able to understand why it was open I continued on and pulled open the back gate and as I looked up from opening the gate I could see my father sitting down at the table in the sitting room with his back to me.
I went into thinking, 'I just don’t care! I’m going to walk past him and into the hallway to my bedroom.'
I knew my mother was probably in the kitchen and I just prayed that she would be doing something and turned in the other direction and out of sight of me walking through and decided to do it really quickly and quietly.
I picked up speed in my walk and started to walk through the kitchen trying to look out of the corner of my eye to the left to see if I could get any idea of my mother being there.
I thought I heard something as I passed, quickly hoping it wasn’t my mother and I hadn’t been seen but I got to the end of the kitchen without hearing my mother shout out to me and I had only my father now to clear and I didn’t care what he thought and came up behind him and started to walk by.
As I did I didn’t care what he was going to say but for some reason I was confident that he wouldn’t and I had got straight past him and into the hallway without him saying a word and once again took off my clothes that wasn’t wet and had dried through the night and in to bed to try and get some sleep.
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Chapter 14 - God is Cow! Heaven is a Barn Chapter 13
Damaged!
AGE: 5 to 6 years old
Emotional & behavioural damage and self-harm to feel normal.
I had slept through a good part of the morning and into the day with Deane awakening me from time to time asking me to get up and play with him.
When I eventually got up nobody had said anything to me throughout the day about coming home in the morning and things carried on as usual.
By now myself and Deane had got that bit older and we were so used to seeing our father's violence and living in a violent atmosphere that we started to live a violent lifestyle at home attacking each other for no reason.
All of a sudden I'd feel myself getting into a rage and I start to swing at Deane and vice-a-versa I would be minding my own business and he would attack without reason swinging at me. As the days went on the fights would escalate and get very serious with Deane running to the toilet and closing the door behind him.
The door of the toilet was situated at the end of the hallway and after some time in a rage trying to push the door open and not succeeding, I would take many steps back down the hallway and start to run at speed at the door with my shoulder with Deane pushing with all he had on the other side of the door to prevent me from getting in on top of him.
This would go on for a very long time with me shouting into him, 'If I get in, I'll fucking kill ya!' repeatedly until the rage had left me before backing off without being able to get the door open.
And sometimes I would get afraid of Deane and I would make for the toilet closing the door and holding it shut while Deane banged and banged and pushed on the door trying to get in at me.
Initially it was maybe once a day we fought and then it became a regular occurrence, sometimes all day before settling back into playing normally with other.
It became a difficult job for our mother to deal with us and it became more difficult for her soon after when Philip and Colin had fallen into the violence as well and became very aggressive towards myself and Deane and towards each other.
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Chapter 14 - God is Cow! Heaven is a Barn Declan never seemed to bother with what was going on and stayed out of it.
It ended up where any one of us could be behind the toilet door defending ourselves or at the other side trying to get in to inflict pain on the other.
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The week of school had ended for myself and my brothers and my father needed some help with moving some of the animals from the yard to one of the fields far away and needed someone to stop the traffic while the animals went onto the road, so he brought Declan, Colin and Philip to help him, myself and Deane were too young and it was too dangerous to be helping with such work.
As my older brothers were doing their duty on the farm with my father, Deane had asked my mother to help him with his homework that he had to do over the weekend and I had been hanging around the house by myself.
I have no recollection of what I was thinking while being by myself in the house, but I found myself walking out of the house and into the sheds. While in the sheds I started to look for sharp bits of steel and I found lots of bits that were familiar to my eyes.
I picked up many of these small sharp lengths of steel and went back to the house past my mother and Deane where they had been doing the school work and into the other sitting room that was rarely used for living purposes and closed the door behind me.
With the bits of steel in my hand I went over to my mother’s sewing machine and took some needles from it. I knew what I wanted to do and went and sat on the couch and quickly realised I needed to sit on a hard surface and went over and hopped up on the arm chair, put the needles and bits of steel into one hand and got up on to the top of the cutlery cabinet.
I opened my pants and let them drop to my feet and then sat down and put the needles and bits of steel down on the cabinet side of me. I got somewhat excited about what I was doing and what I was about to do with the steel and the needles.
I took one needle in between my fingers and put it to my skin in-between my legs, I let the needle rest there for a short time and then started to slowly push the needle in myself, it was very painful but I was very determined to carry out what I had planned to do and I was excited about it.
As I pushed the needle with my fingers I had pushed the skin in but the needle would not go through, I kept pushing slow and hard but the needle would not break the skin.
As I pushed harder my fingers slid down the needle and I tried this many times with the same result, my fingers sliding down the needle before putting the needle down and pulling up my pants.
I hopped down onto the couch and onto the floor, I knew what I wanted and started to look around the room for something hard to push the needle in myself.
I looked around the room in a hurry and seen a small trophy in one of the cabinets and I took this and hopped up on the couch and up onto the cabinet again.
I opened my pants again and let them drop to my ankles and sat down on the cabinet.
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Chapter 14 - God is Cow! Heaven is a Barn I was in a hurry and took one of the needles between my fingers and again placing it against the skin between my legs, I pushed slowly but hard and pushed the skin in to the point where it could not be pushed in further.
I picked up the small trophy and placed the bottom of it with the flat surface to the top of the needle, my two fingers from my other hand were positioned half way down on the needle with it pushed in tightly on the skin.
I applied as much pressure as I could with my fingers and before they started down the needle I started to push with the trophy.
I felt a lot of pain but I was excited and kept pushing before I lost balance of the needle with it slipping from the flat surface of the trophy.
I tried again and it slipped and after several attempts, I stopped looked to the bottom of the trophy and seen that it had a small hole in the middle where a screw was holding the object together.
I took the needle away from my skin and out from between my legs, I positioned the needle in this hole at the bottom of the trophy and started to bring it between my legs.
As I got close I took my hand that was holding the needle to the bottom of the trophy away to stretch the skin and the needle fell into the cabinet.
Again I was in a hurry and picked up the needle, placed it to the hole at the bottom of the trophy and again started to bring it in-between my legs.
I held the tip of the needle to my skin and I had the bottom of the trophy at the other end of the needle and I started to apply pressure to the needle with the end of the trophy.
It was painful but I was in some way excited and kept putting pressure to the needle, I was waiting for the needle to go through the skin, after some time of applying pressure the needle broke through the skin, as it went through I felt a huge prick and then I took a slow inhale and I got some sort of pleasure from the needle going inside me.
I paused for some seconds feeling good after what I had done to myself before deciding I was going to push the needle all the way inside of me and I started to push with the trophy once again and right away I was pushing the needle in further.
What should be a horrible experience I was bizarrely getting a good feeling from.
I could feel it tearing through my skin, it felt like it was breaking through layers and layers of skin in the four to five seconds it took me to push the needle all the way inside me while leaving the tip of it sticking out to enable pulling the needle out.
I picked up another needle and went through the same process and got a second needle all the way inside me deriving the same pleasure from the second needle.
Continuing on I had put several needles inside myself and without giving much thought I picked up one of the bits of steel and put it close to where the needles had been stuck and started to try and push it through.
I was panicking a bit while pushing on the steel, thinking I’m going to cause damage to myself with the steel, thinking it was too big to try and get it inside of myself and I stopped and placed it between the cheeks of my bum and squeezed my cheeks together holding the steel there.
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Chapter 14 - God is Cow! Heaven is a Barn I had been getting no pleasure from what I had done with the bit of steel and let the cheeks of my bum relax releasing the bit of steel.
I wasn’t happy and wanted to get the bit of steel inside me somehow and I started again to try and get it in where I got the needles in.
As I tried I again began to panic about hurting myself and stopped, dropping the bit of steel onto the top of the cabinet and quickly picked up another needle and placed it on the top of the skin beside the others.
I quickly broke through the skin taking a short inhale and continuing to push it in further when the door opened quickly and Deane entered the room.
He looked happy and excited as he was finished his homework and wanted to play. He seen where I was sitting on top of the cabinet and quickly made his way over to me.
As he approached his face turned and he stopped running, he approached the rest of the way slowly and looking between my legs.
As he got right in close to me he looked carefully between my legs, he looked confused, and then that confusion on his face turned to a very frightened look when he figured what I had done to myself. I was excited and I continued to push the needle into myself while Deane stood there.
He looked up at me and his whole body started to tremble saying to me, 'What are you doing?!' with his lips shaking, he was truly frightened at what he was seeing.
I did not answer him and he ran out of the room.
I have no recollection of taking out the needles or any of the rest of the day.
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Some days or weeks later I had gone to the sheds, took bits of steel and went into the sitting room with excitement and this time I pushed the couch against the door as to prevent Deane or anyone coming in on top of me.
I had been re-enacting what my father had done to me with the needles and bits of steel in the months gone by.
I don’t know how many occasions I had done this type of thing but I know now how lucky I was that my father or myself had not managed to hit a vessel or vain and escaping bleeding to death.
Although now I had learned to harm myself from the abusive life I was born into, I was still trying to stay away from my father as much as possible and on a very stormy night I had again just walked out of the house and into the big field to make my way to the farmers shed to take shelter from the storm and wait out the night away from the abuse.
As I went into the field the wind was really strong and I fell several times, half way down I felt that I was being watched by my father, by now he was well aware of what I was doing.
As I tried to get the rest of the way I was still losing balance with the wind and falling to the ground, and I said to myself, 'My father is watching and laughing at me falling over.' and enjoying what I had to do to get away from him.
Every night walking out and down through the field to the tree or to the farmers shed I felt he was watching and laughing at me.
My father had been still laying abuse on me during the days but I was out of the house every night into the fields and I was making it a lesser occurrence for my father to abuse me.
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Chapter 14 - God is Cow! Heaven is a Barn Now my father was not getting as much enjoyment and he started to bring and put the dog in the shed at evening time and leave him there until the morning.
When putting him in the shed he would go in with the dog and close the door of the shed behind him and for some time he would torture the dog in some way, the dog kept making awful noises, I felt really sorry for the dog as he was the family pet as well as farm dog.
My father continued to do this every evening and after some time I had come into the sitting room where Colin looked scared and in shock saying to my mother, 'What is wrong with Benson? Why did he try and bite me?'
Colin look so confused as to why Benson snapped at him looking to my mother to console him with a good reason as to why the family pet that we played with all the time had turned like this.
Some days later my mother came to me telling carefully and clearly that Benson had attacked everyone in the house and to stay away from him that he has turned vicious on everyone. I could not believe that Benson was now like this and I had to see it for myself as I did not want to stay away from him, I loved playing with him.
I had been looking out the sitting room window and I seen Benson going into the garden after being let go by my father when they finished moving the cows.
I rushed outside and went over to him slowly with what my mother had told me in mind but I was convinced that he would not attack me, he was a very gentle dog always.
I slowly reached out my hand to pat him and he snapped really quickly and just missed clinching to my hand.
I got a small fright, now I believed it to be true that he had turned vicious but I was very confused as to why he had turned this way after all this time.
'Why is he angry with us?' I kept saying to myself, 'Will we ever be able to play with him again? Will he stop being vicious?' I asked myself.
Some days or weeks later my father shot Benson and buried him at the back of the sheds.
Later in life I understood that Benson had turned vicious because of the torture my father had inflicted on him all of those evenings in the shed.
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I still had been very unhealthy from the abuse in so many ways but the pain between my legs was particularly worse than all else.
I had been suffering through tremendous pain now for more than a year and I had once again woken up to a morning of pain that I could not bear.
The pain was so bad I could not withstand it anymore and I thought of telling my mother.
I thought about it for some time in my room wondering, 'Would my mother find out what my father had been doing to me in my room?' and then my father would kill me when he thought I had told on him. I thought and thought and thought this over and over and thought that if the pain eased I would not tell and continue to go through the pain, live on and save my life from being taken by my father.
The pain didn’t ease, it steadily got worse and I thought again about biting the bullet and tell my mother and take the chance that nobody would find out that my father was the cause of my pain. I went to the door of the sitting room to see if my mother was there, I 93
Chapter 14 - God is Cow! Heaven is a Barn seen her and Colin doing something together with Philip and Deane playing on the other side of the room.
I stood there without anyone noticing me and thought about what I was going to do and I said to myself, 'I can’t go on like this anymore!' and 'I’ll take the chance on being killed by my father. I have to tell.'
The pain was so bad I was on my last legs with suffering and I walked over to where my mother and Colin was and said, 'Mommy I have awful pain in here.' pointing between my legs.
'Have you?' she said, looking really worried and I dropped to my knees with the pain, I was hardly able to breathe and Colin looked to my mother panicking shouting, 'What’s wrong with Maurice? What’s wrong with Maurice?'
I had passed out or have no recollection after that but in the coming days the pain eased and in the coming days again my mother had to take me out of school and bring me to the hospital. She had told the teacher that I had to get a procedure done in the city hospital and I was let go from class.
On the way to the hospital my mother had told me that the doctors were going to stick a tube down my mouth and into my stomach. I didn’t reply, I didn’t really understand and I didn’t mind what I had to get done.
We waited in the waiting room for a short time when a doctor came to us and said to follow him, that they are ready to carry out my procedure.
We followed the doctor and he brought us to a room with a table in the middle and four doctors standing close to the bed.
I was calm just looking around the room when the doctors told my mother that they were going to have to remove my jumper and my mother called me and said, 'I'm just going to get your jumper off of you for the doctors.' and told me to lift my hands in the air.
I did so and my mother took my jumper off, I felt embarrassed with my jumper off when one of the doctors came over and said, 'I’m going to lift you up on the bed now.'
He lifted me onto the bed and told me to lie all the way back, I just had my head down when two of the doctors grabbed my arms, one each side and two more doctors grabbed my legs, one each side and they pinned me to the bed.
'What’s going on?' I thought, 'Why are they holding me down? What are they going to do to me?' and I had become paranoid thinking why is everyone trying to hurt me, did my father put them up to it, I thought, and is this just part of what was going on at home with me and my father.
One of the doctors asked me to open my mouth that he had to put a tube down and into my stomach. I opened and straight away he put the top of the tube and started to feed in down my throat, I started to feel choked and really uncomfortable from the tube going down my throat, and very soon I could not withstand it and I tried to free my hands to pull the tube out of myself.
I could not free my hands and I started to kick with the doctors holding over my legs, I could not do anything. I started to choke a lot more and it made me panic and I started to move my body wildly, I was moving my hips my hands and legs as hard as I could and the doctors started to have a very hard time, with one doctor telling the other doctors that they had to hold me really steady so he could carry out the procedure and the struggle went on.
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Chapter 14 - God is Cow! Heaven is a Barn I did not let up while thinking, 'What is this cruelty?' for why do I have to go through something like this and began to think that the doctors were evil people like my father.
It felt like the worst thing that had happened to me, I was chocking so bad and just wanted the tube out no matter what and continued to move franticly and wildly on the table and the doctor pulled the tube out.
The relief was immense and the doctor breathed a sigh of relief, he was worn out and said to the other doctors that it's really difficult and we will try it again in a minute and the doctors took the pressure off my arms and legs.
I went to get off the table and the doctor said hold him there and they held me down again with the doctor telling me that he had to put the tube back in my mouth and that it would not take long, but I was going to have to relax and let the doctors do their job.
'Ok.' I said but I want to get off the bed for a minute with the doctor saying, 'That’s fine but only for a minute.' and I rolled over and started to climb off the bed when one of the doctors grabbed me and let me down onto the floor.
I walked over to my mother, and confused with what was happening I looked to her and with bad language I learned from my father I said, 'What the fuck are they doing to me? I don’t want to do it again!'
My mother was silent and I could see that she was nearly about to cry, she didn’t want to see me have to do it but she knew that I had to. My mother would never tell me to do something I didn’t want to do and stayed silent.
'I’m not fuckin going up there again.' I said to her and she became more emotional looking and was about to cry so I walked over to the side of the bed and said to the doctors that I was ready. As one of them lifted me back up on to the table the other doctor said, 'Good boy, it won’t take long, we will be finished quick this time.'
'Ok? We're ready' he said to the other doctors and they again held my arms and legs down.
'I’m going to put the tube down now so open your mouth.' said the doctor and while I did he said quietly to the other doctors to hold me down as best they can that he needed as little movement as possible.
The doctor then started to feed the tube down my throat and I again started to choke, I tried to block out what was happening and put my mind in another place to try get through it and get it over and done with.
This worked but only for a short time before I got very uncomfortable with the tube chocking me and I started to try and get my hands free to pull the tube back up and out my mouth.
I was struggling to deal with the discomfort of the tube and tried desperately to stop what was happening with the doctor himself then struggling to carry out his job pleading with the other doctors to hold me steady.
They tried and tried but I kept moving around wildly and after some time the struggling doctor stopped and said, 'I’m going to pull it out now Maurice.' and he did so telling the other doctors we are going to have to do it again on another occasion that something had broke and it had broke to my delight as now I felt tremendous relief that the tube was out and now the terrible procedure was over.
The following week I had been taken out of school again to go to the hospital and found myself back in the same room with the doctors telling me that they had to put the tube 95
Chapter 14 - God is Cow! Heaven is a Barn back down my mouth and pleaded with me to stay calm and steady, and that what they had to do was very necessary for my health.
I stood there and said, 'No! I’m not doing it.' with the doctor saying, 'You have to do it.'
and again I said, 'No! I’m not doing it!' standing there with my arms folded.
They kept asking and I kept refusing and eventually they put me to sleep and out and carried out the procedure. On the way home in the car I was confused as to why they didn’t put me to sleep the week previous and I would not have went through what I went through and turned to my mother asking, 'Why they didn’t put me to sleep the first time?'
She said 'It’s over now Maurice and you won’t have to do it again.' I was furious about the whole thing and although it wasn’t my mother’s fault I turned to her telling her that I’m not doing anything like that again, saying, 'If the cunts want to do it, they can put me to sleep but I’m not doing awake, they should have put me to sleep the first time.'
I had been making it clear to my mother what way I would react in the hospital if I was asked to do something of a similar nature.
In the coming weeks my mother had been taking me out of school twice a week and into the hospital for routine check-ups where the doctors would ask me to open my pants and drop them down while they checked my private parts between my legs.
This felt very uncomfortable being exposed like that but it became easier on my mind as it became such a regular occurrence, I had been taken out of school twice a week to go to the hospital.
My father had now been staying fully clear of me and I wasn’t vomiting anymore, I felt healthier, it was like I was living a different life, the change was immense and I had said to myself that staying away from the house at night possibly made this change occur and I did not want this great change to slip so I continued to do so and had once again in the evening put on my coat and hit off into the night.
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Chapter 14 - God is Cow! Heaven is a Barn Chapter 14
God is a cow! Heaven is a Barn.
AGE: 5 to 6 years old
Constant verbal abuse, and escaping the physical abuse at night by living outdoors, freezing weather, rain, physical and mental exhaustion, As I walked down the road and into the fields it was a clear night with a bright moon and I had found my way easily to the pile of stones beneath the two trees and settled myself there. I had been in great form the previous nights under the trees thinking that where I was and what I was doing was of tremendous benefit to me and it was giving me for the first time this new life without abuse that brought me great joy.
This feeling stayed with me for the first couple hours under the trees when it settled right into the night I began to feel the cold.
At first I was able to put up with it but it got colder and colder rapping my arms around myself trying to stay warm and then I decided I would put my head between my legs and pull my coat over my head like I had done on previous nights when it had been raining.
To do this I had to open a few of the top buttons of my coat and as I had my head between my legs keeping my head warm I started to feel the cold on my chest where I had opened the buttons of my coat.
And after some time I had to take my head from between my legs and sit up and quickly close the top buttons and rap my arms around myself to get warmth on my chest.
I started to worry about how cold the night was getting and how cold I had become with my head now feeling the cold again and I was left with no choice to once again open the few buttons on the coat and pull it over my head and ducking in between my legs.
By the time I got warmth back on my face my chest had become very cold again leaving me very frustrated and agitated.
I had been keeping my head warm ducked in between my legs and then sitting back up to rap my arms around my chest keeping it warm, doing this over and over and over all through the night with the time going so slow before it was clear to go home.
Now that it was time I walked quickly through the field and onto the road, running to the house to get in and warm myself. When I got to my room I was so cold I jumped into bed without taking off my clothes and went fully under the blankets covering my entire body 97
Chapter 14 - God is Cow! Heaven is a Barn and curling into a ball. Although I was very tired I couldn’t sleep I was so cold thinking and worrying that I would not become warm again.
After hours buried under the blankets I had become slightly warm and I stopped worrying about myself becoming continuously cold and decided to sleep as I was at this stage very very tired.
At school the next day I was very tired and started to think about what I had to go through during the night with the cold under the tree and the things that my father had done to me. I had lost total concentration on everything the teacher was saying and everything that was going on in class.
In the coming nights under the trees the weather was steadily getting colder and in class all I could think about was the cold of the nights away from the house and I had started to drop my head to try and sleep in class with the teacher noticing and telling me each time that class was not for sleeping.
I would go from sleeping in class to sitting up staring into space thinking about the cold nights and the years of horrendous abuse I suffered by my father.
Although I had this struggle in class I was able to push this aside and get on with other things playing with friends in school and with my brothers at home and my mother in the evenings and weekends had been bringing me to a church away from our town to pray and then from one friend's house to the next in her attempt to keep me away from my father and his abusive ways.
He was getting little or no chance to abuse me and on any brief coming together between us in the house he would take this opportunity to shout abuse at me with some criticism coming from him as well.
When my mother would hear this she would say to me when he was gone to never mind what he was saying and that it was nothing but trash coming from his mouth.
My mother was doing her best for me, doing her part to prevent the abuse and I was doing mine staying away from the house at night and I had put a couple of jumpers and rapped my coat around me and went out into a very cold night.
As I walked down the road I started to dread the night I had ahead of me climbing the wall and into the frosty field. Under the tree I went through the same experiences as the previous nights but this time I was feeling the cold a lot more and I could feel the cold in my bones and said I can’t stick this and I'll probably die out here from the cold and thought of the farmers shed to save myself.
I was worried about going there as it was not raining and I thought the farmer might be out walking around and would find me but after some time deciding I felt I had no option but to go to the shed and take the chance on not being found by the farmer and made my way to the shed. I stood there in the shed and leaned against the bales of hay being somewhat warmer but still very cold as the shed was too open to give much shelter.
I was very worried that the farmer would come around the corner thinking he will definitely be out on this dry night checking on things on his farm.
I could not relax and I was afraid to sit down in case I fell asleep and leave myself open to being caught by the farmer. Time was again going so slow and my mind wasn’t able to relax thinking about the farmer saying, 'Please don’t come around the corner before its time to go back to the house.' I repeated this in my head for hours and hours standing there in 98
Chapter 14 - God is Cow! Heaven is a Barn the freezing cold and when around the time had come to go home I said I'll wait a little while longer again to be sure my father was well asleep or will I take the chance and go home before the farmer catches me.
I decided to wait to be sure of avoiding the abuse and started to repeat in my head about the farmer, 'Please don’t come for another while, just let me wait my little while longer.'
I got very anxious coming up to the time where I thought I had spent enough time there and to my relief the farmer had not caught me and I made my way through the fields late in the morning into the house and under the blankets with my clothes on to try and get warm.
I had spent nights and weeks doing this staying under the trees before having to escape to the farmers shed when it got bitterly cold and I could not withstand it out in the open.
The weekend had come and the usual went on at home, myself and my brothers either got on well playing with each other or we would spend the day fighting each other with nobody to control us.
Our mother was too nice to say anything to us and our father just let it go on as if nothing was happening. And after the day of this mixed goings on between myself and my brothers I hit out into a bitterly cold winter's night and this time I had gone straight for the farmers shed, the weather had turned too cold for me to be under the tree.
I waited out the night freezing to death and I worried all night about my wellbeing out in the depths of the winter and I found myself back there again the following night in the same predicament but worrying a lot more, knowing that I had to do something or I would freeze to death in the farmers shed.
I was freezing cold from head to toe and I could not do anything to get warm, I had three jumpers and a jacket and even the bales of hay had a cold feel from them.
My bones were so cold and panic really set in as the night went on and I looked to the concrete and the gates that already had frost on them that glared from the light of the strong moon.
My hands were so cold and having them in my pockets were of little benefit as my mind panicked more than the cold had attacked my body and I knew I had no choice but to think of finding somewhere warmer.
I walked over to the gate and slipped through and onto the road, it was really cold as I looked to the left and to the right in search of somewhere better but all I seen was a house to the left and nothing to the right and I quickly slipped back under the gate and back into the shed to try and get warm.
I was back where I was initially but I was under worse circumstances, feeling the cold a lot more and feeling hopeless about finding warmth in somewhere that was enclosed.
I knew I had to move quick as I knew I would freeze to death if I didn’t and went back out onto the road and walked over to the road to the left to see if the house had an enclosed shed that I could get somehow and get within it.
The house had a big shed with two doors, the small door had been closed and the big door had been slightly open, I felt relieved that I had unexpectedly found a place I could get in out of the cold but I got nervous about walking past the house to get to the shed.
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Chapter 14 - God is Cow! Heaven is a Barn If anyone had been looking out the window they would have had full view of me sneaking past but I knew I had to get in quickly and started to tiptoe past the front of the house in an unnerving manner.
I had got to the opening of the door and wondered did I get spotted by someone from one of the windows of the house.
I walked inside slowly as it was very dark inside, I looked around and could see timber and metal things and in front of me was a lawn mower and I leaned against it still looking around for somewhere I could lay down.
I could not see anything that looked comfortable to lay but I decided to feel my way through the shed in the hope of finding something.
It was very difficult to find my way around and I had bumped into things and nearly tripped several times, I was very worried I would trip and hurt myself but I got to the back of the shed and spotted two canoes.
I looked to them thinking, 'If I slipped inside one of them would it keep me warm?'
I thought about it with some doubt but I decided to go inside it and see, I stood on some timber to the side of the canoe and put one foot in, bending down, putting my hands on each side of the opening in the canoe and pulled my other leg over and inside the canoe and started to slip my body in.
Once my bum reached the floor of the canoe I had got wet, I was so fed up with this happening and I lifted my bum and sunk further into the canoe. Now my bum was out of the water and I let my head back slowly to rest. My head instantly didn't feel comfortable, it wasn’t what I had thought and decided to pull myself back out of it.
Standing out of it I had looked at it for some time thinking was there any way of making it comfortable, I didn’t want to let the idea of being inside of the canoe get away from me.
I could not think of a way of getting my head comfortable and decided to go inside of it again to see if I could withstand the discomfort.
Slipping inside again I put all the weight of my body on my hands while slipping my bum past the water. It felt miserable inside, cold and wet but I was desperate and lay my head back to see if I could get my head comfortable but again straight away my neck and head was too uncomfortable and I got out.
Again I looked to the canoe thinking if I had something soft to put my head on I could stay inside. I looked around to find nothing of that description and looked to the canoe again thinking and thinking before doing away with the idea and making through the shed and leaning again on the lawn mower.
I stood there fully realising that it was no advantage being in this shed, it was nearly just as cold as outside. I didn’t know what to do, it was freezing where I was and I started to really worry about being found in the shed.
I stood there for some time worrying about getting caught and worried about how cold it was, and every now and again I would peek my head out the door and look to the house windows to see if anyone had been behind them in the dark before then deciding to get out of the shed and back onto the road to walk the other way in search of shelter.
I peeked my head out the door and then tiptoed back out on to the road.
I quickly started walking in the other direction and panicking, thinking if I don’t find something down here and soon I'm in real trouble.
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100Chapter 14 - God is Cow! Heaven is a Barn I felt like I was walking forever, all I could see was ditches and walls each side of me before eventually coming to a house and I could see from the road that there was a garage that looked locked up and I knew I would not be able to get past the gate on run up to the garage and quickly turned around with the farmers shed in mind.
My hands and feet were numb and I could not wait to get back to the shed.
As I was slipping back under the gate I looked straight ahead before turning left for the hay bales where I had been all along and seen that there had been two small sheds without doors past a gated fence where there had been a lot of cows.
I stood there thinking that there might be warmth from within either of the places and said to myself, 'I have to get myself to the front of those doors to look inside.'
I wondered how I would get past the cows without them biting me or attacking me and I was frightened at the thought of going by them, but I was determined to as I knew that this was my last chance of maybe finding somewhere warm and saving my life.
I crept under the gated fence and stood inside where the cows were and started to think how I would get around them.
I had stood away from them for some time thinking, 'Will I go around by the edge of the fence or will I walk through the middle?' and I knew I had to decide quickly before I was attacked by the cows.
I thought that if I went around by the edge of the gated fence the cows could push me against the steel bars and squash me to death and decided to walk through the middle.
I started to walk and the cows started to move from the outer edge of the fence towards me as I walked through, I got a bit scared and walked back quickly and with seeing the outer edge of the fence now free of the cows that were now in the middle, I started walking around by the edge when some of the cows started to make their way back to the edge and I quickly walked back to where I had been at the start.
Initially I was really afraid but now I started to realise that the cows were not trying to hurt me by the gentle way they moved around the fenced area but I wasn’t totally confident in what I thought and decided to stay cautious.
As the cows were now back to the edge I seen a slightly clear way through the middle again and cautiously started to walk through.
This time none of the cows moved and I had got half way through, I was happy I was nearly there when a cow approached from the right of me, he came over to me really slow and tried to lick me, I didn’t want to run in case the cows chased me so I paused where I was and slowly put out my hand to pat the cow while he stayed trying to lick me.
He made contact to my hand with his tongue and licked it several times and I slowly pulled it away as I did not want to get too close to the animal in fear he might still bite and attack me and I started to walk the rest of the way through with caution but with some confidence also knowing that I got this far without the cows mauling me.
Past the cows I stood a small distance away from the two openings of these small looking rooms of the shed. It was very dark inside, I could not see inside, but I could see straw scattered at the entrance and this looked to me like it would have some warmth inside.
I was scared of how dark it looked inside of these rooms and wondered what might be in there. I knew I had to enter either one or the other and walked slowly to the entrance, as I got right close and could see some small distance inside, to my delight I could see that there had been lots of straw scattered on the ground as far as my eye could see in.
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Chapter 14 - God is Cow! Heaven is a Barn I took a couple of steps inside quietly where I saw a small baby calf lying on the straw directly in front of me and to the left a big cow lying on the ground against the wall.
Seeing the big cow made me anxious but I knew that I had to stay inside these walls or I would freeze to death and I knew that this was my only hope knowing that I would probably be ok here as I could feel some heat coming from somewhere inside this small room.
I took two small slow steps in just to clear the cold and sat slowly down on the straw and leaned my back against the wall, pulled my knees close in to my chest and slid my hands in between my legs and chest to try and get them warm.
I was starting to warm a bit but not enough to relax my body and not enough to relax my mind on not freezing to death while trying not to move in case I unsettled the big cow, I was very anxious and worried about the cow getting up and attacking me, I felt very nervous in my stomach. I kept saying in my mind, 'Please don’t get up. I'm not going to harm you, I just want to sit here.'
I sat there for some time with this worried feeling about the cow getting up and I was somewhat warmer but not enough. I could feel heat coming from further in and wished I could go in further but I knew that this was as good as I could expect with the cow there.
I was now getting really tired and put my head to rest on my knees but keeping my eyes open as to not fall asleep, in fear of the cow and not falling asleep in case I slept into the morning and my mother would be worried as to where I was.
Very shortly I became really tired I just wanted to sleep and I became very depressed and fed up. I would rest my head for some seconds and pull it back up when I started to feel I was falling asleep.
After some time managing to stay awake the baby calf got up on to his legs from where he was laying and moved around slightly before making over in my direction.
As the calf got closer I looked to the cow thinking he might think I was going to hurt the calf and then attack me.
The baby calf on his way to me made me very nervous, nervous of what the big cow was going to do. The calf fully approached me and started to lick my hands that I had at rest at the top of my knees. I didn’t want to move I just wanted to stay still and show the cow that I wasn’t going to harm the baby calf and he stayed licking.
I then thought of patting the calf to show the cow that I was friendly and slowly took my right hand while looking to the cow in case of a bad reaction and I slowly put my hand to the calf's face and started rubbing him gently.
The cow didn’t move and I stayed rubbing him and he stayed licking me before moving off and he walked around the room and in some time again while I was feeling a little more relaxed and confident of not getting attacked the calf made his way over to me again and he licked me while I rubbed him.
From putting my hand to the calf I could feel heat on my hand coming from him and this sparked of something in my mind. I waited for the calf to come again as I wanted to put my hands on his warm face to warm my hands but I was there some time waiting looking to the calf as he lay on the straw and looked to be sleeping.
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Chapter 14 - God is Cow! Heaven is a Barn I was so cold I worried I would die and knew I had to do something and I thought about getting close to the calf for some heat from his body but I was really worried about what the cow would do if I got up and went near the calf.
I thought about it for some time and I was left with no choice but to take the chance as now I could not bear the cold, my hands were so numb I thought they would be like that forever so I stood up slowly and took two steps in the direction of the calf while carefully looking to the cow to see if he was about to react.
I saw that his head moved a little and I was not sure if he was just moving his head or if he was watching me so I went down on my hands and knees to give of the impression I was an animal and started to crawl over slowly to the calf.
As I did I was looking out of the corner of my eye to the cow and he was moving his head some more and again I wasn’t sure if he was just moving it or he was seeing what I was doing but I kept going saying in my head, 'Please don’t move! Please don’t move I'm friendly.' I reached the calf and to my delight I had not disturbed the cow and he had not attacked and I slowly laid down on the straw beside the calf, I could feel the heat from the calf but I was still really cold so I curled up and pulled my coat over my head.
I was so relieved I had some heat and I got to lay down as I was really tired and I was somewhat comfortable for the first night since I started living outside at night.
I was in such a desperate situation with the weather that I really appreciated where I was and lay there with some joy. I was still worried about the cow so I would peek out from where I had my jacket pulled together over my face. Every time I looked to him he did not seem to be angry and then I could relax for a short time before looking again.
After some time feeling the heat coming from the calf my front had been somewhat warm but the back of my body was really cold so I had started to take the coat from over my head and pulled it down over the bottom of my back for a short period before pulling it over my head again to warm my top half.
I done this on and off for some time before realising I need to try and somehow get myself warmer. I had been about a foot in distance away from the calf and I knew if I could lay against the calf I would be much warmer so I slowly pulled my body over with my elbow and once again looking to the cow to be sure it sat with him that I was now right beside the calf.
The cow did not attack and I could feel a lot of heat from the calf being right close as I put my shoulders under his rear, resting my head on his body and putting my arm around the rest of him. Instantly I started to warm and I felt safe from the cold but I was still somewhat worried about what the cow might do.
I became very sleepy but I tried to stay awake to keep watch on any movement coming from the cow and to stay awake to get home before my mother got up and started to worry that I was not in the house. Although I was weary of the cow I was so relaxed and warm laying with the baby calf and after some time of this relaxation I had once again looked to the cow to see him getting up slowly.
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Chapter 14 - God is Cow! Heaven is a Barn I started to worry saying to myself that the big cow is angry with me for going near the calf and the only thing I could think of was to stay as still as possible and try to pretend I was asleep so I closed my eyes for some seconds before slightly opening them to see what was happening and what I worried about all night was happening the cow was coming in the direction of where I lay with the calf.
I became panicked and while trying to stay as still as possible and thinking he is probably coming over to see what I was doing but I was also somewhat confident as I knew I had been laying with the calf now for some time and knowing that the cow had seen this.
He was coming over really slowly and for some reason I said to myself, 'The big cow is really sleepy.' and seeing he was gentle on his approach eased my panic a bit.
I just kept hoping that the cow would see this as something friendly and he would move off again.
When he got right up close I closed my eyes again to pretend I was asleep and give off the impression I was not harming the calf and that the calf was my friend.
Opening my eyes again to be ready if it was going to be an attack I could see the cow staring at the calf and I was not sure if he was looking to me as well as the calf and I couldn’t understand by his actions whether I was going to be attacked or accepted.
Then the cow lent his head in slowly, putting his tongue out and started to lick the calf and this view relieved me as I was somewhat sure I had been accepted by the big cow.
He licked the calf for a short time before turning and going back to lay down against the far wall. I was so relieved and happy that the cow had now accepted that I was there and what I had been doing and I felt like the baby calf and most of all the big cow was now looking after me in their home.
I felt safe for the first time at night, this place was the bedroom I never had, nobody coming in to harm me, I could relax my mind like never before, not worrying about my father coming in to abuse me and I was out of the cold and miserable weather for the first time since I started living outside.
I was so relaxed I fell asleep very quickly and sometime later I woke and very quickly got up panicking about how long I had been asleep, and was it morning time, and will my mother have noticed that I was missing from the house, and is she worried sick looking for me?
I got up quickly, went through the gated fence with all of the animals and into the field to get home, I walked as fast as I could through the field thinking what if I slept into the morning and everyone is up looking for me and wondering did I sleep for a short time or a long time.
When I got home every one had been up and I walked into the house looking to everyone to see their reaction and everyone seemed to be just getting on with their usual routine of the morning and I just blended in as if I was up out of bed and doing what I usually did and got on with things.
Nobody had noticed anything and when nothing was said throughout the day I was happy and the following night I happily walked out of the house and walked through the fields with excitement about seeing the cow and calf and spending the night with them.
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Chapter 14 - God is Cow! Heaven is a Barn When I got to the sheds I did not have to go through the gated fence of animals as they had not been there to my delight as I recalled being somewhat scared the night before as I walked past them.
I spent the night with the cow and baby calf in the same fashion, sleeping tight beside the calf in the middle of the room with my arm around him and the cow laying on the ground against the wall.
I had went out early in the night and was able to get good sleep and wake in good time to get home before everyone was up. I had spent many happy nights and weeks living with the cow and baby calf and once again I had left the house excited about the night with the cow and calf and had walked quickly through the fields only to walk in the opening of the small room and see that the cow and baby calf had not been there.
I said, 'Maybe they are further back in the room.' and although it was dark I put my hands out in front of me and had quickly started to move towards the side, touching the wall with my hands and feeling my way down through the darkness with the hope that the cow was in his usual position up against the wall but just further down into the back of the room.
To my sheer disappointment my hands had reached the back wall and I knew the cow was not there so I turned and walked slowly to where I thought the calf would be laying if he was there, I walked slowly taking baby steps as to not hurt or startle the calf if he had been there, but as I felt my way through the room I knew that the calf was also not there.
I was confused why they had not been in the room and as I stood there the confusion quickly turned to sheer disappointment and sadness at the feeling of the empty room and the feeling of loss of the cow and calf. I thought, 'What am I going to do without them?'
and 'Are they going to come back at some stage of the night?'
After some time when I fully realised they were gone I started to pace up and down and slowly walking in the room before getting a kick of joy thinking that the cow and calf might probably be in the room opposite and I quickly went out and into the next room to see that the room had also been without the cow and calf.
Once again I was bitterly disappointed and walked out and back into the first room, walking up and down I could not relax as I could not get away from the sheer disappointment I was feeling. I was so disappointed I had not thought about the cold and what I was going to do without the warmth of the baby calf. But after some time pacing up and down the room I sat down putting my back against the wall and still with large disappointment I started to feel the cold.
My hand became numb and I started to worry about becoming really cold by not having the warmth coming from the calf. I was getting colder as time moved on and while not being able to relax I decided to check the other room in the hope that the cow and calf might have come back and went inside.
Checking the other room I was again disappointed with no sight of the cow and calf and I decided to wait in the other room for a while to see if they came back. I sat down with my back against the wall, I was so lonely without the company of the cow and calf and I started to picture them standing in the middle of a field in the freezing cold and I wondered why 105
Chapter 14 - God is Cow! Heaven is a Barn the farmer would take them and put them in the middle of a field on frosty ground, thinking, 'Does he not care about them?' and 'They must be really feeling the cold.'
I sat there with all these thought before deciding to go back into the other room to see if they appeared there while I was waiting in the other room.
I went from room to room, waiting a certain length of time in each in the hope at some stage to be reunited with the cow and calf. The cold was unbearable, my body could not adapt to the cold again after the warmth I had took from the calf the previous weeks and my mind could not adapt to the loneliness after the pleasant company I had received from the cow and calf and I sat there freezing and lonely and the time moved so slow and all I could think of, 'Was the cow and calf going to come back tonight?' or 'Are they ever coming back?'
They had not came back and I waited out the night freezing cold without the warmth from the calf, lonely for their company and the time going agonizingly slow in my mind before going back to the house without sleep and I was back to being very tired during the following day. I spent many nights by myself there always with the hope that the cow and calf would reappear, only to come back one night to find a different cow by himself in the other room and I stayed in my room afraid of him and feeling sad as I had lost all hope of seeing the friendly cow and calf again.
They never came back and I waited out the rest of the winter there by myself and by spring I was back out under the trees to avoid the farmer. I was told later in life by a member within the family that I had spent years of my childhood living away from the house at night into the early mornings.
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