THE SOLUTION: FORGIVENESS
“The moment you acknowledge that you love someone, forgiveness is unavoidable” (Rolland Berehr).
Forgiveness is an indispensable virtue that one needs to have to live a successful life, full of joy and free from heartaches from the past. I can bet a million dollars that one of the reasons why you are heartbroken right now or still heartbroken even after a long time is that you are harbouring bitterness and unforgiveness. You are heartbroken because you are unwilling or you are finding it hard to forgive the person who hurt you. Now, the moment you decide not to forgive you put yourself in danger of re-living the hurtful moments you have encountered and this encumbers any progress that you are making to live a happy and fulfilled life.
Pastor G. Maldonado in his book the Dangers of Unforgiveness adumbrates that, “forgiveness is a mystery to those who do not embrace it, but it is a wonderful revelation for those who have trusted its sweetness.” I can tell you with no doubt that if you embrace forgiveness you will definitely get through that heartbreak stronger than before, never to experience any heartbreak again in your entire life. Forgiveness is so powerful that if you embrace and employ it, it will change your life and catapults you to that life that is free of pain, hurt and sorrow. Forgiveness opens up your mind to new possibilities and your eyes to new opportunities.
Forgiveness means to let go of the person who did you wrong. It also means to let loose of the pain someone caused you or to bequeath grace upon someone who has done bad things to you unconditionally. In the case of a romantic relationship, however, if you have broken up with your partner, forgiveness does not mean that you have to get back with her or him and start the relationship all over again or pick it up where you left it. Sometimes it is essential to keep your distance and avoid the same person to cause you more pain. In addition, forgiveness does not necessarily mean that you have to forget the wrong that the person has done to you or wipe out what has happened. Forgiveness simply entails that you have cut loose the pain and the person that has caused it and let go those feelings of vengeance and hate towards the person.
The dangerous thing about unforgiveness and bitterness is that, it kills you the person who holds it rather than the person who wronged you. Double Tragedy. Embracing unforgiveness in your heart is like drinking a bottle of poison and then expect the other person to die. In simpler terms, unforgiveness is like a virus, it kills the host cell!
I know it seems so unfair to forgive someone who hurt you, betrayed you, used you and manipulated you after all that you did to make him or her happy. I know how hard is it to forgive someone who took your love for granted after all the sacrifices you made to make the relationship work. You might have lost your virginity during the process. I know how hard and painful it is. But you also have to know that it is way much better to forgive because the results that comes from forgiveness are eternal and beneficial to you more than they are to the person you have forgiven. No matter how unfair it might seem you have to forgive so that you can have peace and lasting happiness.
If you are waiting for an apology from the people who have hurt you before you forgive them, you have to get ready to wait for eternity. Some people that have wronged you don’t even know that they have wounded you and therefore will never come to apologise. Wherever they are those people are happy and are never affected by the fact that you are hurting. Some don’t even care whether you forgive them or not. Their lives are moving according to their plans and no doubt they are enjoying each and every moment as it passes whilst you are wallowing in pain and bitterness. You have to make that decision today to forgive and let loose of the pain for your progress and happiness without getting any apology from anyone. You just have to let go and forgive for you to enjoy life and get through that heartbreak never to experience it again.
In the Bible Jesus set a paragon of forgiveness. When He was on the cross He prayed to God so that He can forgive His persecutors.{15} Note that Jesus’ persecutors never asked for forgiveness. The most amazing thing about the story however is that, Jesus actually remarked that they did not know what they were doing. Fools. This is a clear attestation that some people hurt us not because they want to but they just don’t know the consequences of their deeds and words. They are so idiotic that they don’t realise the repercussions of their actions. Now if you hold unforgiveness against those people you are actually putting yourself in their league. You are also a fool! Sorry. How can you hold a grudge against a fool unless if you are also a fool?
Those people who hurt you might not express their regret to you because they have pride. They are too proud to admit that they wronged you and they will never divulge that they did. To them what they did to you is correct and they have a million reasons to justify their actions towards you. For instance, some may say that they rejected you because you were no longer delectable to them. Some may say they cheated on you because you were no longer fun and adventurous blah blah blah! They will always try to make you take the blame for whatever actions they took against you. Now, by refusing to forgive you are also putting yourself in their league. Why are you giving a million sanities why you do not deserve what they did to you? Who then deserves it?
The Bible is satiated of heart-warming stories of people who forgave other people who did them wrong. Joseph forgave his brothers in spite of the fact that they have done all sorts of bad things to him yet he never did anything wrong to them.{16} Jesus Christ forgave His persecutors. Come on, Jesus had every right to be bitter and to remain that way. First He was God, second He had spent so much time and energy healing the sick, feeding the hungry and more importantly teaching the word of salvation to the people. However, it is these same people that He healed, fed and preached to that handed him over so that He can be crucified but despite all that Jesus set an example and forgave them. If Jesus himself was aggrieved in the most hurtful and shameful manner who are you then to say that you don’t deserve to be wronged? If God with all his might and power exonerated those who wronged Him, who are you then to withhold forgiveness?
Pride manifests itself in different ways and unforgiveness is one of them. If you find yourself failing to forgive someone who has wronged you, you are actually saying that you so very much special that you don’t deserve to be wronged and my friend that is pride. You are proud! Nevertheless, the word of God is crystal clear on the matter of pride. It purports that God elbows the proud and uplifts the humble.{17} If you find yourself not making any progress in any area of your life one of the reasons why it is like that is because you have blocked the hand of God to do wonders in your life because you have pride which manifests itself through unforgiveness. God is left with no option except to stop the flow of His blessings in your life because He cannot go against His word. You are short circuiting the power of God to flow effectively in your life because you think too highly of yourself to the extent of denying forgiveness to those who victimised you and this has led you to miss your God ordained blessings. No wonder why so many people who harbour bitterness and unforgiveness do not progress much in life and are always unhappy and not healthy.
I know of a story of a woman who got a breakthrough in her life because of forgiveness. She narrated her story during testimony time at a Sunday service at the church that I attend to. She noted that, for 5 years she was unemployed and she was believing each and every day for a job. For 5 years she had, prayed, fasted and seeded for the job but nothing happened. It was only when she acted upon the word of the Man of God to forgive the person she was holding in her heart when she finally got the job! Power of forgiveness. . Nothing moves my friend as long as bitterness is concealed in your heart. God cannot bless you when you are denying the gift of forgiveness to others which He freely give you whenever you are in need of it.
Unwillingness to forgive is actually a rebellion against God, and the moment you rebel against God you open yourself to the mercy of the enemy- the devil. Rebellion against God leaves you with no divine protection and guidance. This means that you will be prone to all sorts of attacks from the enemy. No wonder why the apostle Paul in his letter to the Ephesians noted that, “in your anger do not sin; do not let the sun go down while you are still angry and, do not give the devil a foothold” (Ephesians 4:26). I have noted one thing in my Christian journey, people who harbour bitterness struggle from all sorts of spiritual attacks, demonic oppression and possession. Unforgiveness boots you out from the presence of God and opens doors for the enemy to come and make your life miserable. Unforgiveness actually gives the devourer the right to torment you. The longer you decide to withhold forgiveness, the longer the enemy will torment you and shatter all your dreams for a better life.
Moving on, God forgives you according to the way you also forgive others. The word of God teaches that if you forgive those who have wronged you, God will also forgive you but if you do not forgive those who have wronged you, God will not forgive you as well. When Jesus was teaching His disciples how to pray, forgiveness is the only request in the prayer with a condition. Listen, “Our father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. AND FORGIVE US OUR DEBTS, AS WE FORGIVE OUR DEBTOR. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.” (Matthew 6:9-13). In this manner your forgiveness from God is largely dependent on the way you forgive others. God forgives you each and every time you do Him wrong, He offers you that gift of forgiveness unconditionally every time you are in need of it. As His child He expects and commands you to do the same. He expects you to extend that gift to others unconditionally and every time they ask you of it. Withholding it means you are selfish and this pushes God to withhold it from you too since you are unable to share it with others.
Commenting on the words of Jesus in the Lord’s Prayer, “Forgives us our debts, as we forgive our debtor”, Saint Gregory of Nyssa proposes that, “Our discourse has come to the pinnacle of virtue. The words of the prayer now trace the profile of a person who would approach God. Such a person would no longer seem to be within the realm of human nature but one who, through virtue, would be likened to God himself. He would appear to be another god doing those things which only God can properly do. For the forgiveness of debts is a unique and special prerogative of God. It was said “No one can forgive sins but God alone” (Mark 2:7). If then a person seeks to imitate in one’s own life the attributes of the Divine Nature, he becomes in some way that which he manifestly imitates through action… do you see to what greatness the Lord exalts those who hear Him through the words of the prayer? He transforms human nature in some way to be close to the divine. He decrees that those who approach God should become gods. Why do you come to God, He says, in a slavish manner, trembling in fear and plagued by you own conscience? Why do you exclude yourself from the confidence which coexists with the freedom of the soul from the beginning and which is intrinsic to the essence of your nature? Why do you use flattery with Him who cannot be flattered? Why do you direct fawning and flattering words to the one who looks at the deeds? Every blessing that comes from God is permissible to you. You can possess it with a free spirit. Be your own judge. Cast the saving note for yourself. Do you ask God to forgive your debts? Forgive the debts of others and God will cast His favourable ballot. You yourself are the lord of judgement concerning your neighbour. This judgement whatever it may be, will bring an equal decision upon you. For whatever you decide to do, will be ratified by the whole judgement in your case too” (The Lord’s Prayer, The Beatitudes: Ancient Christian Writers).
Take a minute and think for a while the sins that you have committed against God. Imagine how bad they are and how bad your end will be if those sins are not washed away by God. Now in line with the word of God, it is your responsibility to see that those sins are forgiven or not. The bible says, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive you” (Matthew 6: 14-15). It all depends on you. All you have to do is to forgive those people or that person who has rejected you, betrayed you, abused you, used you or manipulated you and God will definitely offer you the same gift of forgiveness that you are in dire need of.
Unforgiveness blinds you to see the numerous opportunities that come your way to be happy and be in love again. When you harbour bitterness in your heart you are always suspicious of others that you no longer see any good in other people you encounter. When opportunity to be in love again presents itself, you always miss it because you think everyone is out there to hurt, betray and use you. Bitterness balks you from creating any meaningful and lasting relationships with others and in most cases you will end up pushing people away who really love and care for you. With bitterness in your heart you end being the one who hurt people unnecessarily because you will be thinking that everyone has the intention of hurting you so you end up thinking that it is better to hurt them first before they hurt you.
The good news however that, forgiveness is a choice and it is possible. If you need peace of mind, progress and healthy just make that conscious decision today to let go of the people who hurt you and let go of the pain they caused you. Once you let them go, you will see the hand of God working mightily in your life causing you to progress in every area of your life as well as healing you from any infirmities you might be suffering from.
For forgiveness to be effective and lasting, you have to voice it. That is, you have to reach out to the person who harmed you and say it out that you have forgiven him or her. If the person is far away you can call. If the person is in your vicinity if it’s possible you can arrange a meeting and say it out that you have let loose of the pain he or she caused you. This helps a lot believe you me. If you still feel that you are not able to talk or see the person who hurt you, know that you are still bitter and you still hold feelings of hate towards the person. When you forgive someone you should get to that state where you don’t feel pain or feelings of hate and vengeance when you see the person who hurt you or hear his or her name said out.
Dear friend, it is so very much possible to live a happy and fulfilled life. It is possible to live a pain free- heartbreak free life. It is possible to wake up every morning buoyant and expectant of good things to happen in your life. All you have to do is to forgive those people that have hurt you and let loose of the pain that they have caused you. Forgiveness is so powerful that if you offer it to those who caused you pain unconditionally, it will transform your life and loose the chains of pain, hurt and sorrow that are binding you. Forgiveness it’s a choice that you have to make and you are supposed to make it for you to get through that heartbreak and live a happy life.