CHAPTER 7
BEYOND OUR REALITY
Ron and I traveled to Albuquerque on April 23, 2002. Chris was living in Austin, had started a new job, and could not get the time off to do Hanbleca. He was able to get one day off at the end of the week, was planning to come for the last day of Hanbleca, and would be a supporter for that day. He would go up the mountain and carry down the backpacks and sleeping gear for the participants. On April 24, we attended a preparation meeting for Hanbleca. I had suffered with hip problems over the last year, and the pain seemed to be getting worse. I began to have serious doubts about my ability to do another Hanbleca. That night I did not sleep at all, tossing and turning with the pain in my hip. I knew I had committed myself to this and was not going to back out.
Thursday, April 25, was the first day of Hanbleca. As we drove into the mountain area, the thought came to me that perhaps when Sharon passed away we could spread her ashes here in the canyon where we had made such a connection with her. It was a brief thought, and we were soon at the base of the mountain. A group of fifteen headed up the mountain for four days of prayer and fasting with the hopes of connecting with spirit and finding the answers to our prayers. Chief Phil Crazy Bull met with me that day at the site of my Hochaka. He prayed with me that I might find clarity and trust. I asked him about our confusion and about whether we should pull the feeding tube the next time it needed to be replaced. His answer was to ask him that question at the end of my Hanbleca. After he left that day, I sat there for a period of time thinking about what he had said about clarity and trust. It was true. I didn’t trust myself with the information I was receiving, thinking I was just making it all up in my mind. I wasn’t even trusting that I could do this four-day Hanbleca. As far as clarity, nothing was clear to me at all. I was totally confused by Sharon’s situation. That first day I started to think about how I could maintain my spirituality while living in a very materialistic world. The thoughts that came to me that I would find it in the silence. I could go hiking in the trails around where we lived, I could visit the Coast of Oregon more often, where I found peace in the silence, visit the Japanese Gardens in Portland, or just take long walks observing nature. I continued to pray that day for the trust I needed so desperately. Late in the afternoon, I laid down on my sleeping bag, and out of my peripheral vision, I thought I saw Ron and felt his presence by my side. I turned and of course he was not there. The same thing happened with a friend of mine by the name of Maggie. She also was on Hanbleca but not by my side. I felt strongly that they both must have been thinking of me. I later found out they were that day both concerned and praying that I would be able to do the Hanbleca and that the pain in my hip would go away.
That evening I tried to go to sleep but found that the mosquitoes had quite another idea. They kept buzzing around my head, and after what seemed like a few hours of their annoyance, I put on my fleece hat that covered my ears and head and found the sound bearable. That evening, the moon was full, and I rolled over onto my right side to sleep. I saw a vision of five Native Americans in ceremonial dress on a hill nearby just looking over me. I felt a sense of calm and peace and felt I would be protected and went to sleep.
Friday morning I awoke to the birds chirping and the sun coming up over the horizon. It was chilly in the morning, cloudy and cold. I put on two jackets and that kept me warm. When the sun came through the clouds later that morning it got warmer, and I took off one jacket. I wrote in my journal that morning and watched the birds, insects, and leaves on the trees. I felt totally connected to each and every one of them. I watched two black beetles that had come into my Hochaka. It was interesting to watch how different each one was. One was very hesitant and would run away at the slightest movement. The other was more determined, would climb over rocks, and not be disturbed by anything that you might put in its way. At one point the beetle flipped over, struggled to get up, and did. It was a struggle for it to climb the tiny sand hills and move things out of its way, but eventually it got over and around whatever was in its way. The thoughts came to me as I watched the beetle that “Life is a struggle for most of us, the key is to just keep moving, and we will get through it. Nothing in nature stops for very long, everything keeps moving.” I watched a small centipede as it moved ever so slowly over rocks. It fell over twice and eventually got up and moved ahead over the leaves. There are wonderful lessons to be learned from just observing nature and realizing that we are all connected and can learn from each other. Friday afternoon I thought more about clarity. I needed the clarity to know what to do about Sharon’s feeding tube, was she happy, and was she okay? There were a lot of issues that needed clarity in my life.
In the afternoon, I observed the insects as they passed through my Hochaka. An ant and a beetle passed by each other and kept going. The message came to me of acceptance. Here were two very different insects passing each other going their own way next to each other accepting that they were different but each going about their business in life. I also saw a vision on a rock of Sharon with a gentleman who looked very much like Ron. Sharon was inside a tube and afraid to come out and needed encouragement from him to do so. I got the feeling from this vision that Sharon was afraid of passing over. That evening again I saw the Native Americans on the hill nearby and fell asleep. I didn’t sleep as well that evening and awoke a few times with the moon shining right above me. I felt it must have been about midnight from the position of the moon. I awoke again, saw the moon to my right side, and guessed the time to be just before dawn. I found it amazing how I could tell the time by nature.
Saturday morning, day three, I awoke and had several visions. I could see a man holding a long tube in a tree above my Hochaka. The tube turned into the side of a mattress, and a little person was pushing the mattress half way off the bed. There was a person in the bed, and it was Sharon. The message I received was “Six months.” I saw a large male figure carrying Sharon on his back in the sky and going into this very bright light. The bright light seemed to be another person. I saw Sharon in a cave-like area on a rock and someone up above holding out his or her hand to her to help her, but she was crying and afraid.
At some point during these visions, I realized I needed to let go of everything. I continued to pray, surrendered to the Creator, and gave the issues I faced to him. I knew that when the time came regarding the feeding tube, I could trust Ron’s decision. He always seemed to know the right thing to do. I remembered a dream I had months earlier. In the dream, Ron, Sharon, and I were in the first house we had. We were all sitting in the living room. My husband got up and said he was leaving and was finished with this place. Next Sharon got up, followed him, and said the same thing. I was the only one who stayed and said I wasn’t finished with the place yet. The realization came that I was the one who was hanging on and not letting go of Sharon.
The message came to me very clearly that day that I needed to trust his decision. Both our children listened to him and trusted his decisions, and I was the only one who didn’t. The words came, “Trust it now and be at peace, for the time is near when such will be his choice. You don’t always have to choose. Let him be part of this process. He is the father, and she his daughter. Also, do not interfere, for he too has a choice in the process. Yours is to trust him more and doubt less.” The thoughts continued, “You have to let her go physically and accept her spiritually.”
By the position of the scorching sun, I guessed it must have been around noon. The sun was beating directly overhead. My throat was dry, my lips parched, and I was desperately in need of some water. The pebble I had placed under my tongue to create saliva had quit working. I began to pray for water and hoped that Phil Crazy Bull would bring some water soon. By late afternoon it didn’t seem hopeful, so I sat down and all of a sudden felt Sharon’s presence by my side. I couldn’t see her, but I felt something or someone was there. Sharon was a very gregarious and outspoken person. You knew how she felt about things pretty quickly. The thoughts came to me, “Life sucks, doesn’t it.” At that point I reached for my pencil and journal, so I could write down what I was hearing. She then said, “If you write everything down, I can’t talk. I feel like I am in a courtroom. Put the pen down.” I put the pen down and hoped I could remember everything, so I could write it down later. The mental messages I received from her were that she liked the garage sales we went to and that it was too bad Chris didn’t live closer to us so Chris’ wife Heidi and I could do the same. She said she had to leave, and I didn’t want her to go. She said to just call her, she would be there but “not by telephone, of course,” and there came a little laugh. She said she would be back. I said mentally I would be all alone, and she came back with “You aren’t alone.” She went on to say again that life sucks, and she would rather not be here, but she was afraid to leave. She didn’t know what was out there though people have said, “It’s nice.” Then she said, “You could be here [meaning the mountain] or out there [meaning the world].” She didn’t know about me, but she would rather be here (meaning the mountain). She also mentioned that the decision needs to be left to Dad. She said, “He thinks clearly, logically, and his conclusions are not always what you want to hear, but usually he’s correct.” She said that, “Dad and you should go out and enjoy yourselves.” She went on to say, “Don’t spend your time crying over me. Do something fun.” Then the words of a song came to me, “Yesterday is dead and gone and tomorrow’s looking bright. Hold back the tears and open yourself up. There is a whole world waiting out there.” Finally, before leaving I got the message, “You know you were thinking about spreading my ashes here in the canyon. I don’t think so. I want to be on the nightstand in a nice warm house.” I later realized that Sharon was the only one who called the pedestal in her bedroom a nightstand. The last thing said was, “You look pretty stupid in that red hat and stuff.” I had put on a red fleece hat earlier in the morning when it was so cold. She went on to say, “It’s nice what these people are doing [meaning Hanbleca], but I don’t think I could have done it. Too bad Chris didn’t come. I would have liked to talk to him, too. I am glad you came, I like the Southwest, sunshine and all, desert and cactus.” She mentioned the beetle that had been visiting my Hochaka and said, “He is more afraid of you and you need to grow up.”
I didn’t feel her presence anymore and felt she had gone. Saturday afternoon I got some sage from my backpack and began to look at it very closely. It was stuck together and appeared very rigid. I started to take the sage, pull it apart ever so gently so it was not as rigid, and make it more flexible. It really looked beautiful when the leaves were open. The more rigid the leaves were, the more they broke when I tried to pull them apart. I realized the more rigid one is in life in one’s thinking and being resistant, the more one is apt to break. Whereas if one can become more flexible, life is more beautiful.
Saturday evening I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned, and my stomach was upset. I finally decided to lie on my back, and I looked up at the tree above me. I guessed it was about midnight, and the moon was full. I first heard a voice singing, “Listen to the story of a soul’s journey.” I saw in the tree above me a vision of a Native American young woman with braided black hair coming over her shoulders and dressed in white. I then saw Sharon, also dressed in white and her hair down and flowing freely as she sometimes wore it. Sharon was packing a suitcase. The next picture I saw was Sharon’s body on a bed and two people administering to it and her body was halfway off the bed. Next I saw a staircase behind them. Sharon was now standing up and looking at the staircase. She was being encouraged to climb that staircase. Sharon was very hesitant, and it took a long time, but she finally climbed one stair. To the right of this scene I saw on one of the branches of the tree a Native American dressed in ceremonial dress and the words came, “I am Chief Phil Crazy Bull and Sharon has gone to be with the White Buffalo Calf Woman, but her body will remain a while longer.” At first astonished at what I saw, I questioned it. It certainly did look like the Medicine Man, but how could he be so small and on the branch of the tree above me? At the same time I felt reassured he was there, since it was the middle of the night and I was seeing all these visions. The next scene was more powerful than what I had seen previously. To the left of the tree was Sharon again. She spoke to me in a song. The melody was similar to a song I had heard many years ago from the Sound of Music movie and she sang, “Good-bye, Good-bye, Good-bye.” To the left of the tree she appeared again and this time sitting inside the center of a tulip on a flower petal.
She said, “I love you. Tell Dad I love him. Tell Chris I love him and Heidi. A little baby is coming. There should be no guilt.” The last thing she said was, “Dad doesn’t have to make this decision.” After hearing this the message came, from where I do not know, that things happened the way they were suppose to. I saw a Phoenix bird in the tree and Sharon was arising from the center of it. I turned onto my left side. I felt I needed a break and was feeling overwhelmed with what I was seeing. I saw Sharon once again, she was dressed in a cap and gown like in a graduation ceremony, and she had a diploma in her hand. There were two other larger people with her. I looked again at the tree, saw a telephone, and again saw the White Buffalo Calf Woman kneeling over Sharon’s body and Sharon’s spirit was behind her looking on. Next, I saw Sharon sitting with a group of people and the seating was similar to an airplane. The words came to me, “She is going to meet Nels.” At first not understanding who this was, I then remembered my cousin Clay who had died two years before and his proper name was Nels although no one ever called him by this name. The last thing I saw was what appeared to be a dollar bill, which went from Sharon to the hand of the White Buffalo Calf Woman.
It was still very dark, and I had no light to write everything down I was seeing. I decided to stay awake for the rest of that night because I was afraid that if I fell asleep I might forget some or all of what I had seen and I wanted to make sure I wrote it all down. Finally after what seemed like a couple of hours, to the east I saw the sun coming up, and there was enough light so I could get my journal and a pen to write. I quickly started writing everything down. Once again another vision in the tree appeared. It was a woman lying down who looked like me. There was a gentleman giving me water and then some food, and Sharon was standing nearby. I felt it wouldn’t be very long until I did indeed get some water and food that day. After writing everything in my journal, I felt at peace for the first time in almost three years knowing that Sharon had made her decision to leave but her body would remain for a period of time. I felt confident that we would be making the right decision next time by not replacing the feeding tube once it leaked or broke and needed to be replaced again. My prayers had been answered.
Later that afternoon, after having no sleep and feeling physically and emotionally drained, I got up and leaned on the tree next to my Hochaka. I felt very weak and my back was aching. I thanked the tree for its support just glad to have something to lean on. I then saw Chief Phil Crazy Bull coming up the path, and he was bringing water. I drank some water, told Phil of my vision, and asked if he was truly in my vision. His answer was, “Yes.” I told him I wanted to go down. He said okay but he would be back for me after he had given everyone water.
While waiting for Phil to return and totally exhausted, I lay back down on my sleeping bag. I looked up at the sky and once again saw Sharon and this time with another woman flying across the sky. Next she appeared in the sky as a huge figure and was holding a baby. I saw myself holding the baby and Sharon putting her head on my shoulder. I wanted to stay longer because the visions kept coming but my back continued to ache and I didn’t think I could physically survive another day.
Phil came back, and I followed him back down the mountain thankful for what I had seen and grateful to still be alive. When I reached the bottom of the mountain, one of the supporters was there and drove me back to the sweat lodge, so that I could complete the last two rounds of the Inipi to complete the ceremony. I had to be isolated from the rest of the people at the lodge because I was still in ceremony and still in the “spirit world.” I was given water and escorted to a bedroom in the house next to the sweat lodge. I was still seeing visions when I looked out the window at the clouds. I found that at times out of my peripheral vision I could see somebody to my right although when I looked that way there was no one there.
It was late in the day when Chief Phil Crazy Bull came back. Phil, Ron, and I along with Chris, who had arrived that day, went into the sweat lodge. It was at this point that Phil said Sharon was also in the lodge with us and that she was a very pretty girl. I told them of my visions and how I thought it would be about six months until Sharon’s body would pass. Phil said he thought it would be seven. He emphasized it could be seven days, seven hours, seven months, or seven years. During the second round of the sweat, I looked into the rocks in the vision pit, and I saw an elephant and Sharon’s face. After the ceremony, I recalled that in the past I had been concerned about her needs and anxiously wanting her to return to us and thinking about myself and not what she might have wanted. I no longer felt like that, but felt that a gift had been given to me because now I carried her in my heart and she would be with me always. I later learned from Ron that the second night of Hanbleca he had given a flesh offering which is a ceremony where one gives of oneself to the Creator praying for a healing. His intention was for me to not be in pain when I was up on the hill. I told him when I came down that after that first day I no longer experienced the pain in my hips as I had before. His prayers had been answered.
The next day after the Hanbleca ceremony was over Chris, Ron and I traveled to Santa Fe and Taos, New Mexico. After a restful sleep, a shower, and some food, I was looking forward to seeing a different part of New Mexico. We arrived in Santa Fe mid-afternoon and took an open bus tour of the city. It was a beautiful city with a lot of history and old churches. The next day we traveled to Taos. There was something about Taos which gave me the same sense of peace I experienced while on Hanbleca. We visited the Taos pueblo where Native Americans are still living. The children who were attending school there were in recess outdoors. We went inside the church and visited the cemetery. We purchased some cookies, which had been baked in one of the outdoor ovens by a very old Native American woman. The people were pleasant and eager to greet visitors. Theirs was a simple way of life. They didn’t need all of the modern conveniences we have today, yet they seemed to be happy and content. It certainly was a contrast to Santa Fe, and I liked it better. Before we left Taos, we visited a park-like area in the center of town where Mexican music was playing. Shops and some art galleries surrounded the town center. We went into one of the art galleries. Both Ron and I were drawn to one of the paintings entitled Strikes at Sunrise. It was a portrait of courage and strength before battle. It was a beautiful picture though too expense for us. We left the gallery and headed back to our hotel. The next morning we got up early and headed back to Albuquerque. The following day we were back on a plane back to Portland. We had said good- bye to Chris at the airport, and he boarded a plane back to Austin, Texas.