CHAPTER 6
TRUSTING THE VISIONS
July 15, 2000 Chris and Heidi were married. It was a beautiful wedding outdoors in a garden setting. Sharon’s name was mentioned at the ceremony along with Daniel, Heidi’s brother who had died years earlier. I didn’t know about her name being mentioned as part of the ceremony until it occurred, and I had to fight back the tears and quickly grabbed Ron’s hand. I looked at him and tears covered his eyes. In August that year Chris and Heidi moved to Austin so Heidi could attend law school.
We continued to visit Sharon weekly. I was still doing massage and Reiki therapy for her. I sensed now when I did Reiki she felt at peace. She generally would close her eyes and was calm. The months passed and still we saw no change or improvement. I would talk to Sharon when we visited and tell her the news, and in September I mentioned we were going to Austin to see Chris and Heidi for Christmas. I saw one tear in her left eye and comforted her by telling her she would be with us also, and we would connect on a spirit level. This response concerned me, and so I called a friend who had done Reiki with me for Sharon, and she and her boyfriend journeyed to Sharon and were told by her that she wanted Chris to contact her. I phoned Chris in Austin, and he said he would journey to her. He called back after his journey and said he had contacted Sharon, and he saw a huge sun in the sky when they were together, and he asked if it was the golden orb which was something the spiritual advisor had told us about and something Sharon needed to walk into eventually to pass over to the spirit world. Sharon responded that indeed it was the golden orb, but that she was not yet ready to go and that she needed to teach him some things first. She held a blue light in her hands. Chris went to grab it, and she said he wasn’t ready for it yet. She went on to say he had to believe in himself and his ability to heal. Chris journeyed again a few days later. When he journeyed, he found himself in the desert, a place where he had always found Sharon before. He usually found her with lots of books surrounding her as if she was learning things. This time there was only one book left. She told him at this time that he also needed to learn from this book as well.
During the next few months, several of our friends who did Shamanic journeying and a friend who teaches these classes asked if we would mind if her class journeyed to Sharon to see what information they might be able to share with us. We agreed hoping someone would come back with some hopeful news. One of the ladies that journeyed told us Sharon said how important it was to get the heaviness and sorrow out of our lives and put the magic back into our lives again. She also wanted us to have peacock feathers, which were a symbol of resurrection and a beautiful life. Sharon was finding it very hard to leave when we still had such deep sorrow. She said she would return to us in that magic part of our life. We thanked the lady for her information but felt there was no way we could put any magic back in our lives given Sharon’s present situation.
On September 30, 2000, we arranged with Coleen, a friend, who is a shamanic practitioner, to perform a soul retrieval for Sharon hoping this might help her bring back soul parts that had been lost through trauma and perhaps this might help her out of this limbo state in which she was and help her to be able to pass over freely.
The following Saturday afternoon, several friends, Chris, and I stood over Sharon’s bed. Before we began, Chris placed his hand on Sharon’s head and sensed Sharon had a message for me, and we should all journey first. We closed our eyes and placed our spirits outside Sharon’s window on the grassy area. When I journeyed, we were all in a circle and Sharon was in the middle of the circle with a white tiger. She danced around with the tiger, and they became one bright light. Sharon reappeared and went to each person in the circle and hugged and thanked him or her. She said she was happy. She then floated up to the sky and swirled around, and I saw in big letter the words “Happy Birthday” written across the sky. All of a sudden there appeared on the lawn with us a clown, balloons, and a parade was coming down the street. We finished our journey and I shared with everyone the message I received. Since Chris’ birthday was coming up on October 6, I thought the message was for him. He assured me that neither he nor Sharon liked clowns or parades and the message was for me since my birthday was just the day before on the 29th of September, and I did like parades and clowns. I felt that was really a sweet message from her since she was a person who never forgot a person’s birthday, and I realized just how powerful this form of communication really was.
Colleen began the soul retrieval for Sharon. It took about thirty minutes. She laid next to Sharon in the bed and entered a trancelike state. She journeyed to her power animal who helped her retrieve the soul parts that Sharon’s had lost. After the soul retrieval, she explained to us that both Chris and I were holding on to Sharon and not wanting to let her go. We both agreed this was true and were willing now to let her go. There was also a previous boyfriend who was holding on to Sharon, and Colleen had a difficult time convincing this person on a spirit level to let her go. Finally, with the help of her spirit animal, a black panther, who kept circling around him, he reluctantly let Sharon go.
I continued to see Sharon weekly and journeyed as much as I could. It was the end of October when I journeyed, and this time I journeyed to my Hanbleca site. I saw Chris and Sharon, and both encouraged me to join them hiking up the hill. As we got to the top of the hill, they flew off the top of the hill much like a skydiver and encouraged me to do the same. The message that came to me was “Enjoy life. Go to the circus. Do things.” This message was particularly true since we had neither enjoyed life nor did things since her accident. Needless to say, we were also not about to consider doing anything while Sharon still remained in a coma. During this same journey, I saw Sharon’s spirit in her room at the rehabilitation center, and she showed me her body much like a doll. She sometimes would leave it in the chair and sometimes carry it around with her. The message came to me that it was just her body, somewhat like a doll. At that point she dragged her body out of the window and up toward the sky. Across the sky was written “Hello” and the word “Again.” It made me think of the movie by the same name where the actress dies but returns again to her family. In the next scene of the journey, I saw Sharon’s room empty and she was gone. The words came to me “I’ll be in your heart now and forever” from the sound track from Tarzan the movie. In the last part of this journey, I saw Chris in a dark suit, it was a somber occasion, and a casket-like table was being wheeled through our front door at home, and it came into Chris’ bedroom, which is where I journey. Sharon then popped up from the casket- like table, and it frightened me. The words came “It shouldn’t be sad and life isn’t what is really real.” After coming back from this journey, I realized Sharon was trying to tell me in so many ways she was still with us. She always would be with us and to not take life so seriously. What we think is real is not this life but one’s spirit that’s real. Dying is not real but a transition to that which is unseen.
Several months passed, and we visited Sharon weekly, prayed, and did shamanic journeying. Occasionally, I would smell a very sweet smell either in the living room where we sat quite often or in Chris’ room where I would journey. It was a very sweet perfume much like what Sharon used to wear. I journeyed on this and was given the information that it was a “spiritual presence.” Most of the journeys repeated the same messages to me: “Laugh more and worry less. Life is short. Enjoy yourself.” I wasn’t always able to reach Sharon when I journeyed, but on those occasions I got more compelling evidence that she was still with us but in a different reality. On one particular journey, I saw her, and she asked me to follow her. She loved to hike, and I didn’t find it odd that she was hiking along a trail. We got to the top of the trail, and she flew off the top and urged me to do the same. Hesitant as I was, I did manage reluctantly to try this. The next scene, we were on a beach walking, and I asked her if she missed anything about not being here or in her body, and I immediately saw a hot dog stand, and she replied she missed food. In another journey, I was climbing the mountain near my Hanbleca site with Native Americans and looked down at the site where I had spent the three days of my vision quest. The area seemed so small. The realization came to me that we are so focused on our daily lives, we fail to see what is beyond our small world. There is so much more to us that we cannot comprehend. I looked up at the sky and universe before me and the thoughts came to me. If we only realized who we really are, where we came from and are going back to, then the trials and problems we encounter in this lifetime would not be as significant as we make them to be.
One of my journeys provided me with some information regarding Sharon’s accident. I asked about the accident and was given a glimpse of what she must have gone through. I found myself in the jail where Sharon was and walked out of the holding area room. I felt anxious, nervous, and like running. I blacked out and fell. I was immediately out of my body and heard the words, “Oh my God, what have I done.” I wanted to die. My tongue felt huge inside my mouth, and I felt like I was suffocating. I couldn’t breathe, and there was no oxygen. I then saw my husband and felt like I had to hang on. The next scene, I was told the name of the boy who hit her with a bat and about her relationship with another boy. The information came that the hospital she was taken to treated her okay and so did the police, but that the jail was the real problem.
After I finished the journey, I realized there was still a lot we had to learn about the circumstances surrounding Sharon’s accident.
It was a Saturday in January 2001 when I took a basic shamanism class. These classes periodically come to Portland, and this time I felt the need to learn more about the skill I had learned. The process of journeying takes time and is different for each individual. I am a very visual person and have always learned things by sight. One also needs to be very open to whatever comes to you by any of your senses when journeying. Some people may see things, others hear things, or you may get messages from any one of your senses. It also takes time to interpret the journey. Sometimes there will be symbolism involved much like in dream interpretation. Finally, one must take the knowledge and act on it for your good or the greater good of someone else if you have been asked to journey for them. It is very important that if you journey for someone that you have that person’s permission to do so. Shamanism is not a religion but a method of self-discovery with a realization that everything is interconnected and everything is your teacher. You journey with an intention or question of significance for yourself or someone else. There are three different worlds that one may journey to; the lower world where you will meet your animal guides who will assist you, the middle world which is where we exist now, or the upper world where you will meet your spiritual teacher who will assist you. Journeying requires the ability to trust what one receives and to be open to believing. The information received may not make any sense to you, but it may to the person you have journeyed for, or it may make sense later on. There have been many times I have written down my journey not knowing what it meant at the time but months later I would understand the message, or it may be relevant to what is happening at the present time. In either case, trusting is an important element of the process. At the end of the journey, it is polite to thank those guides who have helped you.
During the course of the day’s workshop, we journeyed for ourselves and others. Paul was the person sitting next to me, and he journeyed to Sharon for me. He had not been given any information other than that she was in a coma. At the end of his journey, he told me he saw her looking at her body, and she did not want to come back to it. He tried to bargain with her and said, “What if we bring new clothes, makeup, and make the body look better. Would you consider coming back then?” Her reply was her spiritual body was better. This came as no surprise to me, since I had already learned she did not wish to return to her body. The workshop provided me with a deeper desire to journey on a more regular basis, since I usually found the answers to my questions and it was my one link to Sharon, who was still in a coma.
The next journey I took I went to the upper world to try and contact my father who had died twenty-five years earlier. I had never tried to contact him before but felt I needed some more answers about the accident. I found myself in his studio where he used to teach drumming to students on Saturday mornings. I could sense a spiritual presence but couldn’t see any definite figure in the room. When I asked the question about Sharon’s accident I sensed anger. The thoughts came, “People were careless with completely indifferent attitudes. No compassion and the jail needs reform.” “Justice needs to be served.” “Compassion needs to be instilled.” I asked if he would watch over Sharon. The thoughts came back “I have and I will.” “She walks with you often.” “She is concerned about you. Be strong. Bye.” I came back from that journey with the knowledge and determination to follow through with our attorney in Phoenix, to find out exactly what happened in the jail, and to find some justice in this tragedy. I contacted our attorney and was told it would take some time. They were working on a list of persons for depositions and most likely we would need to come back to Phoenix for our deposition, but they would be back in touch with us.
It was now March 2001. Sharon’s condition still had not improved and, if anything, had gotten worse. There still was no response anymore even to pain. I continued to have dreams about Sharon, some of which were more a form of communication, since they were so vivid and memorable. There was one in particular where Sharon hugged me and then I saw in calligraphy, which is something she used to do, the words were written, “I planned it this way.” The words were very clear. I remember sitting in a meditative state one evening when the words “black and white” came to me, and I could see a prison outfit. The message came through very clearly from Sharon, “I wasn’t going back. I made the decision.” In another dream I saw a newspaper on a chair. I picked it up and it turned into money. This later proved to be a very prophetic dream. Our attorney called a month later and informed us of a settlement with the county jail. I journeyed once again on the question as to whether to accept the settlement. I got the words, “Take it, and accept it.” I saw a jury room and the words, “If you lose, they win. This way you win. Small victories chip away at an institution. You can still bring about public awareness. Justice is not about money. This world associates everything with money, like success equals money. Not true. Everyone needs a rest. It’s time to enjoy life.” I explained my journey to Chris and Ron. Both of them wanted to proceed with a jury hearing but thought about what I had gotten and came to the conclusion we should accept the settlement and we did.
The county settled with us and recognized the need for improved medical care within their jail system. When Sharon was incarcerated she should have been classified as needing medical attention and needed to see a doctor. She was not given her medication, which resulted in her having a seizure and her hitting her head on the concrete floor of the jail, which ultimately resulted in her coma. The money received from the settlement was placed in a trust for Sharon’s care.
I continued to journey whenever I could and each journey reflected the same theme and message. Sharon had made her decision. I needed to accept it and let it go. She would always be with us. When I journeyed Sharon was happy about the settlement decision. She wasn’t concerned about the jail as much as she was about giving back to those she loved and who had loved her. She said everyone needed to move on and she was glad she had helped me become a much stronger person for having gone through all I had. I journeyed once again to my father who told me that “Life is an experience, and don’t let the experience fool you. You are much more than your human experiences.” He told me once again that Sharon needs to move on and I need to let her go and enjoy life. “Don’t linger on what is gone but concentrate on what is still around you.”
I tried to let go and follow the advice I was given, but it continued to haunt me that if Sharon had decided not to come back, then why wasn’t she leaving. Over the next several months, I continued to have dreams and journeys. I asked Sharon on one particular occasion why she wasn’t leaving, and the message came through that this was a process and to have patience. She still had some obligations here. She also told me that the grimacing and pain she expressed in earlier months was not to encourage us that she was coming back but to let us know how difficult it would be to come back. She knew it would be difficult for us when she left, but we would be at peace knowing it would have been too difficult for her to try and come back, and it was the best thing for everyone. That journey occurred on Mother’s Day May 2001, and at the end of the journey in big letters I saw the words “Love You—Mother’s Day.”
Four weeks later, Ron and I discussed if we were doing the right thing each time we replaced the feeding tube which was keeping Sharon alive. In my journeys regarding this, I was told Sharon was finished with the body and had evolved beyond the need for it. If we discontinued the feeding tube, it would be the final completion to her of our spiritual growth and evolution in the belief that the spirit lives on and the body is only the physical aspect and not the true essence of that person. If we could not do this, eventually she would find a way out. My husband and I discussed the information received but still could not bring ourselves to pull the feeding tube. We just weren’t ready to make that decision.
Over the next several months, I continued to journey and attended another shamanic workshop. The messages I continued to receive were that Sharon was in a “process with others,” to be patient with the process, and that the accident had to happen so that we would open ourselves spiritually. I was told Sharon was in another reality and happy and that Chief Phil Crazy Bull was a good man who had provided the gateway for our communication. She appreciated what we had done. At one time while journeying, I thought again about the feeding tube, the answer I received was “Not to worry,” that Sharon would be in charge of the timing, and she would decide when she would leave.
The journeys continued, and during one I was transported to the living room where I lived as a child. All my relatives were around a Buddha-like statue. There were also several elephants. I then saw a person lying in the middle of the floor surrounded by these same people. It was Sharon. People began laying flowers on her, and then everyone left the room slowly followed by the elephants. Sharon’s spirit rose out of her body and started to play a violin. I next saw an urn on a pedestal in the room where I journey and knew that Sharon’s ashes were in that urn. The next scene was Sharon now, at the rehabilitation center, and people were struggling with her feeding tube, pulling it in and then out. Finally, Sharon popped it out herself. She then gathered her clothes on the bed and the journey ended. Another journey involved seeing a beautiful white marble building with a huge garden and fountain in the center. There were several other buildings on either side of the marble building. One, where people were dancing, one where symphony music was playing, a library, a teaching center, and a hospital building. Animals were walking around as well as people. I mentally asked about Sharon and was told she was in preparation for herself and others. I then saw her on an elevator-like apparatus going up above this area I had just envisioned. My interpretation of this was that she was in a process of preparation and ascending to a higher spiritual level.
Months passed and still Sharon was not responding and just existing with the aid of the feeding tube. In January of 2002, I was struggling with the thoughts of doing another Hanbleca in April.
We still desperately needed answers as to why Sharon was not passing on, and we still felt we could not pull the feeding tube. At the beginning of April 2002, the head nurse from the rehabilitation center called us. Once again Sharon’s feeding tube was leaking and needed to be replaced. We decided to replace it once again and that I would go to Albuquerque in a few weeks for another Hanbleca to seek the answers we needed.