There’s a great saying out there by Anthony Robbins, and that is, “People like
people who are like them.” Now because everyone is unique in their own way, it’s
virtually impossible to be identical to someone in every waking minute of your
life, but it is possible to notice the way they behave and then to match and mirror them for the outcome of strengthening your connection and rapport with that
person. Perhaps a good example of being in rapport is when you’ve been with
someone and it’s seemed like the two of you could almost finish each other’s
sentences, as if you’re sharing the one mind, as if time stood still. By developing your ability to gain rapport with others, you can find yourself sharing in that same level of connection and of being in sync with people who’ve you’ve only just met.
Perhaps you may be introduced to someone of the opposite sex (or same) who
you’ve heard a lot about, and you’re wanting to make those first impressions
count. Maybe you’re interested in feeling comfortable with just about everyone
whom you come in contact with, regardless of how you think you might look to
them on the outside. You’re ability to build rapport will help with much of this
and so much more.
Rapport was developed during the practice of hypnosis where the person you’re
with feels as though time stands still, as if the only reality is the one the two of you are inhabiting. You’re in such a state of rapport with the other person that
you’ve fully captivated the attention of their unconscious mind, and they are
following you with ease. With NLP, there’s no need to be engaged in that level of rapport, however you’ll find that during the process of being in rapport with
another person, that you’ll be constantly be moving through waves of being more
in rapport some times, and less other times, and this constant state of pulling and pushing will be a constant in most of your interactions with others and is perfectly normal. It’s just in this case, you’re now aware of your ability to make or break rapport, and that will dramatically improve your experience (and theirs) during
your time together, however long or short that may be.
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The quicker and easier you move into rapport with another person, the more you
will increase your level of connection and interaction with them. The higher your level of rapport, the more powerfully and easily you will be able to resolve their presenting issue or problem. So how do you help someone to like, trust and
connect with you faster and easier?
We understand that communication is both verbal and non-verbal. Meaning, it’s
not just what you say that matters, but how you say it. The how you say it part,
can also be categorized under body language too, or better speaking, what you do
(or don’t do) with your body. Developing your ability to gain rapport, involves
being acutely aware of not only your own body language, but also the body
language of others. Everyone speaks in their own body-language, and as such, if
you speak in someone else’s language, you’re much more likely to be understood
by them than if you are not. Take for example, my wife and me. When we are
together we often notice each other slipping into deep rapport quickly and easily.
Sometimes we will look down and notice our legs and tapping at the same pace,
that our breathing has slowed to the same in-out rhythm, or that we find
ourselves knowing what the other person is going to say before they say it.
Some people may put this down to just knowing someone well by spending
extended amounts of time with them. However, regardless of the amount of time
spent, it’s still obvious that you’re easily able to get into rapport with that person.
So how is that any different from meeting that stranger and hitting it off for the first time? Perhaps you’ve had an experience like that where you’re meeting
several people at a social gathering, and one particular person you come into
contact with, you just find the conversation and interaction is much easier and
more relaxed than with anyone else you spoke with at the gathering. At the time,
you were probably unaware of that fact you were both in rapport, or how you got
there, but somehow you did it. As we all do it naturally with certain people. It’s just in the case of being aware of the process of rapport through NLP, you can
consciously create that same level of rapport with just about anyone who you
chose to come in contact with.
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Over time, you’ll be able to develop your ability to consciously and powerfully
create strong rapport with people whom you come in contact with, and this may
start out as taking 5-10 minutes, and come down to as little as a couple of
minutes – if that.
Building rapport is made of up two main components, pacing and leading. Pacing
is where you begin mirroring the person for a certain period of time. You may
begin with moving your body language into the same (or similar) posture they’re
in, such as cross legged, or cross armed, breathing at the same tempo as them, or even scratching your head when they do (don’t do this for too long, or too
obviously, or it will become obvious). Once you’ve found a sufficient tempo in pacing, then you can shift over to leading, where you then begin moving in a
different way at a different pace and they will begin following you – you’re
leading them. Here are some things you can look out for when getting in rapport
with pacing them:
Words:
Common experiences and associations
Predicates
Content chunks
Key words
Physiology:
Posture
Breathing
Facial expressions
Blinking
Gestures
Tonality:
Volume (loudness)
Tempo (speed)
Tone (pitch)
Timbre (quality)
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Now that you’re aware of some of the things you can look out for, you can begin
studying how other people use their verbal and non-verbal language (vocal and
body), and using that as a gauge to begin building rapport with others. In fact, I remember when I was much younger and I was first playing around with some of
these NLP techniques, and I decided to go to a bar to test out how well this would work with complete strangers who didn’t even know I existed.