I used to swim long distance for pleasure, for the satisfaction of knowing that I, a resident of Brooklyn, New York could get away from the crowds on the city beach and go so far out in the ocean, my only companions were the occasional lifeguards who would row by just to see if I was okay. I remember swimming six to eight hours nonstop everyday during the summer break from high school. I didn’t become capable of doing this overnight. I actually taught myself to swim. I began by going to the neighborhood pool and learning to stroke at first with my fingers being able to feel the bottom of the pool for security. I began in two feet of water. That first summer, I did not dare the ocean until the last week before school would start again. I felt secure as long as I could touch the sand under the water with my fingertips. I did not even attempt deep water until the following year. The following year, I went back to the pool for a week and everyday I would stroke out a little more and little more until I was in the depth in which I could not feel the bottom, but, I could stand up if I wanted to. By the end of that week, I went into the deep pool because if I could swim so well in shallow water, I should be able to do the same in the deep water. But, I was afraid. I did it anyway, but I was afraid.
Why? Because it was all in my mind! In my mind, I could not readily accept that skill was skill and with swimming, it should not matter how deep the water is. By the second week, I was out in the ocean. I did the same thing. I swam only as far out as I could as long as I could still stand up until one afternoon, the tide turned and I could not feel the bottom! I felt scared. I had to talk myself through my fear. After all, I really knew how to swim and I didn’t want to embarrass myself by needlessly calling for help. That was when I really did learn to swim without fear and from there, I built up my distance to further and further away from the shore. When I finally did this, it was the grandest feeling of success I had ever felt. I did not need to win a race because I had won the competition with myself and with my fear.
I know you are all following me with this because all of this rings real and true. No one expects anyone to jump in a pool and suddenly be able to swim, much less mega distances. It makes sense to work at something a little at a time, step by step. It can be a long process to excellence, right? Yet, when we are at a turning point in our lives, when we know we need to make changes because we are just not feeling contented with the “place” our heads and hearts have taken residence, we expect a rapid metamorphosis! We grow impatient. Don’t we? We grow impatient because we are so desperate for change we cling to this desired change like a life raft as if our lives depend on it. They really do. For how can life be defined if not by its greater, nobler and higher aspects? Who wants to describe life as sorrowful, depressing, frustrating and empty. Yet, we all have felt this way sometime in our lives, haven’t we? When we have felt this way, what did we think the solution was? “I have to find a way to relax and have fun again!”, “There’s got to be more to life than trudging along!”, “If I could get that novel written!” “I need to find my soul mate!”
You’re probably expecting me to say something like, “Those are all external things. True happiness comes from within…” Whereas I admire someone who has truly accomplished this, the truth is a lot of satisfaction from within DOES happen as a result of feeling contented with our (external) circumstances! Whereas many can find joy and peace of spirit despite hardship, I know of no one who would willingly want hardship nor am I of the opinion that being unhappy is our ‘cross to bear.’ I have difficulty accepting mindless bliss as reward for getting through a life of hardship. I never want to feel that my goal in life is to essentially become a contented sheep grazing on the grass of the next life as my reward for a life lived harshly. I believe the next life is more enriched by what we learn to achieve spiritually in this life. I believe there is a whole new realm of existence with each passing day that is awesome and amazing. Spirituality can awe and amaze us too but, with ourselves! Spiritual achievement can and does yield material satisfaction. We just haven’t gotten it, yet. We also have not learned that sometimes the trip is more fascinating than the destination. As a result, people grow impatient. They grow impatient when it takes time to lose weight on a diet, become frustrated with studying a language in school, decide that they cannot write or that they are not smart enough to learn something new or that they are too clumsy to learn how to dance. Guess what? With that mind set, they will not lose weight, never learn that language or something new or how to dance. The reason is simple.
They decided not to. They did not decide they cannot do these things; they decided not to. There’s a difference, many would argue. I would hold fast that there is not a difference. Once an excuse is made, it is in essence a decision and a choice. Usually, we grow weary with the effort and then throw in the towel. I would not have been able to swim long distances if I had let myself get give up because I wasn’t swimming well enough, far enough, fast enough.
As impatient as people are with themselves, they are more impatient when things do not change quickly enough. If I had to read a passage, say in Spanish, in front of the class I would do much better if I had practiced with a mind set that I would learn to do this. If I doubted my own ability to learn, never practiced and was called upon to recite of course I would do horribly.
All of these feelings are perfectly human. The problem is, the more we use our humanity as the reason for not using that part of us that is spiritual, power can never reach us and show us what we can REALLY do! People think spirituality is passive. There are some schools that are, no doubt. But, I am talking about a spirituality that DECIDES NO MATTER WHAT, everything is possible, a spirituality that can become so DETERMINED it taps into a personal sense of power that is so secure, there is no need to boast, brag or show anyone up because it understands, accepts and holds onto its own true, individual course. Each of us wants something different for ourselves. There is no ‘preferred’ goal. But it would be helpful if we knew what OUR goal was and didn’t think twice about someone else’s.
If you remember, Raphael helped my husband and me get the house we wanted. All along, we were settling because we were struggling and did not dare to aim for more. The truth is, most people, especially our circle of city family and friends, did not think we would obtain our dream and with this dream, so much property. Our desires were rooted in our determination to connect spiritually with land. We were given a gift that came from the deepest desire within our souls despite our consciously thinking we would not be able to have it. We were determined not to give up our dream. I would like to think that all the mental effort that went into remembering our blessings, even when we faced homelessness was pivotal to obtaining our dream. Cause and effect. Remember? I believe that when I asked for help from my heart and was clear in what we needed, there was enough focus for that ripple to be made and our perseverance and trust to be noticed. Keep in mind, the story about Raphael from beginning to end spanned three years! During those times, my human side wanted to throw in the towel but something was happening within my spirit. When all seemed beyond recovery something inside of me rose to the surface and refused to yield any ground. My friends always told me that when I dug in my heels, nothing could move me. So, as bad as it was, I simply would not believe how bad things were. My father would have called this being “stubborn Irish.”
I hesitated to share my story of all the hardship we went through because who would believe anyone could go through so much in a short period of time and survive? Who wants to hear about these things? But, I decided to share it because if I went through all this, there are others going through similar problems and it is for them that I shared the sorrows and the victory (Thank you, Creator!) of these experiences. What do I believe? I believe the last thing to do, ever, is to give up! For us, this was the beginning. I believe I had to sit out all my fears and despair and ride out the situations that were being perpetuated as I worked on my replacement plans. I believe that trust was the paper and the pencil was the hard work of holding in focus my needs that were being met each and every day.
I know that having realized that my needs indeed were being met each day meant they would be also met the next. It was not easy but I was determined that sooner or later the ‘replacement plans’ would become my reality. Under the circumstances, did I have a choice? Yes, I could have given up and never known what the touch of the Creator spurring my own spirit power into being could be like!
Looking back now, I know that refusing to believe how bad things were actually made the possible happen because I controlled the ‘ripples” with this disbelief. I had not yet identified ‘determination’ as a trait at this time because I was just too busy surviving to feel anything other than sheer terror. Those were difficult times but, looking back, I can see how they made me that much more aware of how important it is to choose what you will and will not believe. My refusal to believe the hardship my husband and I were going through actually became the exercise for our spirit muscle that defeated despair and contributed to those ‘ripples” that helped create our current situation.
In other words, we were not people miracles were being wasted on. We were doing our share of hard work every second of every painful day to not cancel out or delay the timing of the good to come.
Timing. As I mentioned earlier, timing is an important factor in my own spiritual “tutelage.” If you followed the Raphael story, you should have noticed how we were always helped out at the last minute. Waiting while your future appears the bleakest is utter torment as you are left waiting day after day to have the basic needs of food, shelter and dignity met.
Yet, this last minute feature has continued to follow me, apparently the signature of the spiritual beings around me. I look at this now as a reminder to me not to revert to the old me or to forget my trust. If there is a particular circumstance you are beginning to notice about things you are receiving, stop and consider that it could be a spiritual signature of significance just for you also.
In hindsight, I could let myself feel very foolish for allowing so much of life to just happen to me instead of me making it happen. But, as I said, life has a habit of getting in the way of itself and us. It is only the one who is unwilling to open up and learn how things CAN BE that will never understand the power of the Creator and determination.
One of my truths is I was one such person.