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“To act from desire and fear is bondage; to act from love is freedom.”
Nisargadatta Maharaj
Neha and Rahul studied in the same college. Neha was a hardworking student whereas Rahul was an adventurous young adult who excelled at academics and sports. Neha wanted to become a scientist. She preferred to create trustworthy relationships. On the other hand, Rahul was an extrovert. He wanted to join his dream company.
They fell in love with each other during college days. After establishing themselves in their careers, they got married. They bought a house. They spent joyful moments for a few years. Then life hit them hard as they were about to make a crucial decision.
Neha had received a scholarship to pursue her Ph.D., and thus had to leave for her further studies. Rahul was not in favor of her decision. As the day passed by, they faced a series of hostile arguments, giving each other emotional and mental wounds.
Internally, they were asking themselves one question: “Is this the same person whom I fell in love with?”
Psychologist John Bowlby, in his attachment theory, studied the behavior of infants and their primary caregivers. According to the study, infants seek proximity to attached caregivers in stressful situations. Mary Ainsworth, a developmental psychologist, further carried her work on attachment theory and conducted an experiment named ‘Strange Situation.’
She conducted this experiment with infants who were accompanied by their mother and a stranger. She left the infants to explore in a room with a chair full of toys and observed the emotional responses of the infants under various circumstances. She conducted these studies under multiple conditions, such as the presence and absence of caregivers. The infants responded differently to each situation.
The first set of infants displayed a sign of distress when the caregivers left, but felt secured and expressed joy when the caregivers returned after separation. Another collection of infants displayed discomfort even before they were separated from their caregivers. Once the caregivers returned to the room, the infants came near the caregivers and resisted from staying away from them. They were also difficult to comfort. Lastly, a set of infants showed little emotional responses on the arrival and departure of the caregivers. The infants ignored and avoided their presence.
These sets of emotional responses are known as secure, anxious, and avoidance, respectively. Infants develop these primary behavioral traits as a strategy to manage themselves under stressful situations! These behavioral dynamics strengthen during the developmental stages of life. These could also be our emotional responses during adulthood.
If we create a limiting belief in response to any emotional experience, we distort our perception.
Let us examine the cause of conflict between Neha and Rahul. For that, we need to first look at their childhood.
Neha was a shy and reserved girl. She lived with her parents and two elder brothers in a small town. Her father was a government employee and her mother was a homemaker. Unfortunately, she spent her early childhood in a hostile environment. She remained aloof about family matters and focused only on her studies. During her adolescence, she created the belief — "Avoidance of painful life circumstances can create harmony.” She used to feel guilt and shame in sharing her thoughts and feelings.
Rahul was a middle child. He was hyperactive. He used to play a lot with his siblings and other kids. His father and mother were working in corporate jobs. In the absence of any close companions, he used to feel disappointment and anger. During adolescence, he made social connections. He went the extra mile to maintain those relationships but also remained aggressive and demanding.
He created the belief—"Having money and material possessions is the way to create and maintain an intimate relationship." Thus, Neha and Rahul unconsciously became the victims of their own limiting beliefs.
Attachment is an emotional bond that exists between an individual and their object of desire. The enclosure provides the foundation to develop trust in a relationship. If we operate within healthy psychological boundaries, we can invest more time producing authentic relations.
However, a great attachment to our self-image and relationship distorts the reality of our life. Let us understand the consequences of this.
Most of us would have played the game ‘Hide and Seek’ in childhood. In this game, while the seeker counts up to a specific number, the other players hide. After that, the seeker searches for the other players. What if the seeker continues to count and forgets to take part in the game?
This situation is like those people who live in a world of self-deception. Since childhood, we go through various emotional experiences. These experiences can be painful, fearful, joyful, and pleasant. While growing up, we create our self-identity. The more we invest our life force energy towards our self-identity, the more we move away from realizing our true nature.
Our limiting beliefs, likes and dislikes, prestige, and ambition are part of our self-identity. These are like a unique set of self-images around our self-identity. If we are always counting our self-images, we forget to face our fears and beliefs which limits us in realizing our inner potential. For example, a person who seeks validation of love in a relationship may fear rejection. A child who witnesses domestic violence during childhood could either become a people pleaser or a rebel.
Our fears and limiting beliefs influence us to create deception. We need to self-investigate and become aware of our concerns and limiting beliefs. The sooner we break the pattern of self-deception, the better we empower ourselves in our spiritual path. We can realize our strengths and human values. We can make conscious life decisions without the limitation of fears and beliefs and seek our intrinsic motivation. In this way, we can succeed in the spiritual path.
Sir Dr. Jagadish Chandra Bose, a renowned scientist, invented a highly sensitive instrument to record plant growth. He subjected plant and animal tissues to various stimuli and found that they all showed a dynamic response. Jagdish Bose recorded reactions in metals, plants, and animals; and observed the differences in the responses under various conditions. He found that all of them primarily exhibit the same traits of fatigue and depression under hostile and stressful situations.
Similarly, words and thoughts affect our emotional and mental well-being. People with an agitated mind attempt to gain psychological control through their words.
As a result, a person feels hurt, disappointment, stress, and anxiety during hostile arguments. A passive listener can also feel psychological disturbances. For example, an individual who listens to a heated debate will often feel a low vitality and mental agitation. If we do not observe our thoughts and words, we may unintentionally cause ‘Karmic Bondage’. Psychological violence finds its expression with the intent of chosen words and ideas.
Food and shelter are the basic needs of any human being. Would you consider the ‘need for power’ as an essential need? In the past, several countries have fought wars and struggled for independence—for example World War I, World War II, and the India Freedom Movement. I believe the culture of seeking power and wealth has left a deep impression on human societies.
The need for power has found its expression in psychological war. We can witness this in intimate relationships where dominance, submission, and avoidance become an integral expression of behavioral responses. Power struggles create conflicts and affect our spiritual development.
Imagine you are a trainee in a multinational company. The company provides a vast amount of yearly performance bonuses as a reward. You worked hard for three years of your career and secured a decent share of performance bonuses. However, you feel unsatisfied with the lack of innovation and scope of learning in your job. You want to work in an environment where you have the freedom to work on unique ideas.
Consider that you receive an opportunity where you need to start your career from scratch. Would you hold on to the secured designation with a regular bonus, or would you prefer to start your desired career path? Would you be willing to resolve your mental dilemma or would you respond with your instinct?
I have provided this example to share the insight that we may associate self-worth through an external material possession. The longer we associate self-worth with an external motivation, the farther we go away from the purpose of life. Consequently, we limit our spiritual development.
We may develop possessiveness for various reasons, such as to seek security and pleasure. The constant thought of possessiveness creates disharmony within us. It brings disappointment and grief. It affects our vital life decisions and hinders spiritual development.
Love is unconditional intelligence that embraces our past and grounds our mind to the present moment. Let us understand a few of the characteristics of this intelligence.
Consider there are two companies—X and Y which compete in business. Because of certain market conditions, company X found it challenging to generate enough business. The chief executive officer of company X decided to merge with company Y and offered it a deal.
The board of directors and shareholders of the company Y asked about the offer. They conducted a group discussion. The meeting’s topic was ‘Work Culture.’ They started a boardroom meeting. They were looking forward to a successful merger and acquisition.
Let us observe a few questions asked in the meeting.
Question 1
How can we train the new employees from company X to learn about our company culture?
Question 2
How can we eliminate aspects of company X’s culture that may not fit with our culture?
Question 3
How can we find the significant aspects of both companies and build a new cultural model?
Observation on Question 1
The person assumes that company Y doesn’t need to evolve and the other company’s employees should adapt to the existing culture.
Observation on Question 2
The person assumes that work culture can only improve if they eliminate aspects of the other company’s culture that do not work.
Observation on Question 3
The person views both companies as one entity and looks for possibilities to create a win-win situation.
Innocence reflects the purity of our thoughts and feelings. Simplicity shows the depth of our being: quality of thoughts and feelings. It doesn’t require any coloring of beliefs, fears, judgments, and biases.
When was the last time you asked an innocent question? If you go back to your childhood and remember how you were observing and learning about the external world, you’ll realize that you could feel innocence. If you want to feel the joy of learning and growing in life, you must walk like a curious traveler. Curiosity brings the state of innocence and thus learning becomes a joyful experience.
The intelligence of love dissolves our ego, low thinking, and feeling; and brings a sense of unity. As a result, innocence reflects in our actions when we allow the intelligence of love to work within us.
If you were to write an autobiography, what are the instances from your life you will introspect and include in your life stories? Are you willing to look into any painful instances such as losing your loved ones? Will you accept the realities of life and gain insights: the lessons from your life? I believe these are the critical questions you must ask if you want to grow stronger in your spirit and lead a life of wisdom.
Consider that you have invested a certain amount in two mutual funds. Over three years, you suffered a loss in one of your funds. Naturally, you would prefer to pay attention to this fund and see the possibilities of reinvestment.
Similarly, life is a story with painful and joyful moments. We can learn to consider painful moments as life’s realities. We have a choice to either live in fear or avoidance of painful moments; or accept those painful life instances, learn life lessons, and move forward with a light heart.
Unless we establish harmony with the thoughts and feelings from our past, our mind will always seek love and appreciation from relationships and worldly pursuits. We can desire and imagine a future that may appear on the path of happiness.
However, I believe we can learn to gain insights from our past, and live in the present moment to create an authentic future.
Ask yourself: Can I discover my fear and limiting beliefs from the events of my past?
The sooner we learn to self-inquire and embrace our past, the better we equip ourselves to live in the present moment. In the present moment, the intelligence of love finds its way into our awareness. As a result, we make conscious life decisions and discover the purpose of life. Life naturally blossoms like a flower in the awareness of love.
Despite facing sunlight and heavy rain, a boat rests at the shore with the help of an anchor. Similarly, if we witness the pain and pleasure of life without judgment, we can attain a state of equilibrium. I know this state of being as ‘equanimity.’ This state of mind allows you to experience life in the present moment and understand your true divine nature. If you want to grow a flowering plant in your garden, you need to nurture the plant. Similarly, if you’re going to develop the intelligence of love, you need to nurture the heart and mind.
Ahalya, the wife of Gautam Muni, was cursed and turned into a stone statue. The saints declared that she could regain her human body with the blessing of Lord Rama. Lord Rama agreed to do so. When he touched the stone statue with his feet, Ahalya’s human body came back. Lord Rama blessed her. The story of this incident spread among people across distances.
During their period of exile, Lord Rama, Laxmana, and Sita passed through the forest and came near river Ganga’s bank. They found a boatman near the shore and requested him to leave them on the other side of the river. The boatman recognized their divine presence and prostrated to them.
The boatman was aware of Lord Rama's divine play with Ahalya. He remembered that incident and expressed his concern. He said, “O Lord Rama, forgive me but I cannot allow you to step on my boat. I know that with the touch of your feet, a stone statue turned into a lady. If I allow you to step onto my boat, it will turn into a human being. How will I take care of my family then?”
Later, Lord Rama requested a few more times, clarified the boatman’s doubts, and tried to convince him. But he did not agree. He said, “O Lord Rama, if you allow me to wash your feet, then I can take all of you to the other shore. Even if Laxmana threatens to kill me, I will not allow you on the boat without washing off your feet.”
Upon hearing these words, Lord Rama laughed loudly. Lord Rama recognized the boatman’s love. He said, “Kindly take the decision that saves your boat.” The intelligence of love works in alignment with innocence. Here, the boatman was not concerned about his life but he was eager for the opportunity to wash Lord Rama’s feet. He expressed pure thoughts and feelings.
Lord Rama remained equanimous, paid attention to his words, requested him, and clarified his doubts. He didn't react with anger and frustration but accepted the situation’s reality and did justice in favor of the boatman. Lord Rama recognized the boatman’s spirit, his love for him, and treated him at par.
Attachment depends on the psychological conditioning of the mind. The conditioning may rely on various beliefs, needs, desires, and ambitions. Love is not what we seek in the external world. Love is an awareness that creates a vision of wholeness within. Love is the intelligence of the life process governed by wisdom, vitality, and harmony. Attachment is always conditional, whereas love is unconditional.
Love finds its ground in equanimity, blossoms in innocence, and increases in the acceptance of life’s realities.
