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“Two persons who unite their lives to help each other toward divine realization are founding their marriage on the right basis: unconditional friendship. The woman is motivated primarily by feeling, and the man by reason; marriage is meant to balance these qualities.”
Swami Paramahansa Yogananda
Do you resist breaking off a relationship that causes pain? Psychologists Baumeister and Leary mention in their research that human beings have a pervasive drive to form and maintain at least a minimum amount of lasting, positive, and significant interpersonal relationships. Since ancient civilization, humans have been seeking belongingness with friends, family, community, and society. The need for belongingness has become the fundamental psychological need for humans.
Marriage is the intimate bond that unites two individuals into a cocoon. It is an uncertain journey to discover our strengths and weaknesses. Life partners share their pain and pleasure and grow together through rich life experiences. This intimate relationship offers opportunities to develop human values and strengthen character. However, married life has its challenges in managing conflicts.
Ask yourself: “Do I self-examine the origins of my conflicts? Do I believe in taking ownership of my well-being? Do I blame the other person or develop guilt and shame for my life circumstances?” If you have answered ‘Yes’ to the first two questions, you shall live a happy married life. We need to investigate the nature and cause of inner conflicts. Let us understand the significant aspects of our mind that shall help you self-examine the causes of disputes.
According to research conducted by Harvard University, child development—particularly from birth to five years of age—is the foundation for a prosperous and sustainable society. At this stage, children learn from their external environment by observing and doing the same activities. The atmosphere, including the behavioral response of parents, plays an essential role in shaping the child’s psychological well-being.
Consider a girl who grew up in a family where both the parents worked hard to meet their career goals and the needs of the family members. For prioritizing professional commitments, the parents couldn’t give sufficient time to the child’s upbringing. Hence, the girl felt lonely. She created the belief that parents who commit most of their time towards work cannot take care of their families. This belief became one of the prime driving forces in her married life.
After marriage, she came to know that her husband was going to expand his business plan. Thus, he wanted to live in another city for a few years. This situation confronted her belief that caused the inner conflict.
Consider a boy who grew up in a middle-class family where the father is the only earning member, and the mother is a homemaker. The father went through several financial crises in his business. As a result, the family members had to bear financial stress.
The boy created the belief that earning a lot of money is the only way to attain happiness in life. When he grew up, he secured his dream career and became rich after years of hard work. However, he discovered that he remained unhappy. He realized that he held a limiting belief which made him restless.
I have included these examples to show that the beliefs created early in life can govern our life choices and behavioral response during married life.
There is an ancient parable in India where a few blind people described an elephant by the touch of their hand. The first person touched the elephant's ear and said, “The elephant is like a fan.” The second person touched the elephant’s tail and said, “The elephant is like a rope.” The third person reached the elephant’s leg and said, “The elephant is like a wall.” He remained rigid in his views. Everyone held on to their views but could not understand the others’ perceptions!
Most times, we perceive the external world in such a way that it resonates with our experiences. Sometimes in relationships, we stick to our opinion about the way we see a particular situation, problem, or person. Thus, we limit our perception when we cannot understand the totality of life.
Have you ever woken up in the morning, picked up your smartphone, scrolled through your favorite playlist, and just played your favorite song? If yes, you experienced nostalgia. You wanted to relive those pleasant moments.
Memory stores both pleasant and unpleasant experiences. During the human developmental stages, our brain gets wired to look for pleasurable experiences and avoids unpleasant circumstances. However, one goes through both pleasant and unpleasant experiences in intimate relations. So internally, one may start avoiding unpleasant circumstances and look to experience pleasantness in another form.
As a result of this, an individual may escape from a problematic situation. However, those unpleasant memories will remain in their mind.
Two people took a blank sheet and three colors—red, blue, and green. They only used a combination of two of the colors. Do you think both of them would have picked the same combination of colors? Similarly, how you feel about any person or problem is directly related to your emotions during those moments. Our emotional state can affect interpersonal communication and life decisions. For example, an anxious state of mind can influence the decision’s outcome. We should observe our emotional and mental state before we respond. It helps us to develop a trustworthy relationship.
When we engage our minds with excessive thinking over any matter, we develop a habit. This compulsive thinking consumes our life force energy. If we develop the habit of compulsive thinking, it is challenging to shift the mind from the object of the thought. Thus, we might create conflicts in the relationship. One common example of regular thinking patterns is a ‘worry.’
We live in a world of dualities. We create those dualities within us. As we keep processing sensory signals from the external world, our intellectual mind always compares, evaluates, and judges its outcome based on experience. This entire process happens within a split second. As a result, we label the experience as pleasant or unpleasant. To a certain extent, this has its application in the external world, such as survival and decision-making. However, the same mental process can create conflict in an intimate relationship where we need to pay attention to the people, problems, and circumstances.
Imagination is an excellent faculty of mind when we can find its creative expression. Unfortunately, it also becomes the source of suffering when it wanders directionless. The mind dwells between the past and the future. For example, if you have a desire to accomplish something, you will project its outcome the way you want it. Imagination plays a role in this mental process. One who compares themselves with others and lives someone else's life remains anxious. Thus, that individual finds it difficult to stay in the present moment. One who remains engaged with imagination driven by a troubled mind creates suffering in life.
Suppose three employees are working in a team in a multinational company. They need to complete a project within a month. They have different skill sets and responsibilities. Since the project is crucial to the company, the management declares a huge performance bonus. All team members need to collaborate and share their ideas, challenges, and progress in a daily team meeting.
Let us observe the working style and behavioral traits of each employee.
The first employee likes to break down his work into small pieces. He creates a milestone for each of the minor tasks and keeps a tracking sheet. He uses extensive research in his work. He relishes maximizing the bonus. He remains aggressive in meeting his deadlines. He observes his teammates so that he can compare his ideas and work. He takes all measures in his work to gain a competitive edge. During a team meeting, he discusses his work and provides suggestions and ideas for the project. He asks several questions during the team meetings. He also criticizes the shortfalls in others’ work.
The second employee likes to go along with her natural pace of working. She remains watchful of the deadline but hardly extends her working hours unless it’s absolutely necessary. Incentive seems fair to her. During a team meeting, she briefly mentions her work’s progress. She neither asks questions nor provides any suggestions for the entire team. She agrees to the views of the majority. Internally, she feels disturbed and intimidated by the first employee’s responses, but she doesn’t share that with anyone.
The third employee has no specific strategies for his work. He does his job at his own pace but doesn’t see any point in extending his work hours. Collaborating and working with teammates doesn’t appeal to him. He doesn’t feel responsible for the entire project. He focuses only on his work. During a team meeting, he speaks in a few words and remains aloof in any further discussions.
These examples illustrate the instinctive behavioral traits of dominant, submissive, and escapist individuals, respectively. These behavioral traits can become compulsive, causing disharmony in a married relationship. Our inner conflicts are barriers to our true potential. If we are willing to self-examine their cause and be conscious in our responses, we can uplift our thoughts and create positive emotions towards spiritual development.
Let us understand the aspects of spiritual development in married life. Lord Rama and Sita are the role model of an ideal couple.
Lord Rama is the 7th incarnation of Lord Vishnu. Lord Rama was the son of King Dasharatha and Queen Kaushalya. King Dasharatha had two other queens, Kaikeyi and Sumitra. Lord Rama grew up with his three siblings—Laxmana, Bharat, and Shatrughna. They held Lord Rama in high reverence. During the birth of Lord Rama, King Dasharatha granted two wishes to Queen Kaikeyi. Unfortunately, this became the source of his misery and death. Manthra, a loyal housemaid, influenced Queen Kaikeyi with her evil intentions. Kaikeyi sought her wishes from King Dasharatha. First, she wanted him to send Rama to exile for fourteen years and second; she wanted him to crown her son, Bharat as the future king. King Dasharatha was devastated but eventually fulfilled her wishes with a heavy heart. He could not bear the pain of separation from Lord Rama and finally left his body. Lord Rama, along with Sita and his younger brother, Laxmana, spent fourteen years in exile.
Lord Rama is divinity personified and the perfect role model for humanity. He is an ideal son, brother, king, husband, and leader. His behavior, responses, and voice are divine. He expressed his virtues by leading an example and inspiring his subordinates, friends, family, and other people. He upheld righteousness in every circumstance in his life.
King Janaka and his queen found Sita as a child, lying on the barren land in their kingdom. As they were a childless couple, they perceived it as a gift from God and adopted her as their child. King Janaka adored her. He gave her the best of a comfortable environment. Despite this, she remained connected with nature and appreciated its beauty. She was generous and religious.
In Ramacharitamanas, Saint Tulsidas said that even poets did not have any words to describe her beauty.
Lord Shiva had offered a powerful bow to the ancestor of King Janaka. Once in her childhood, Sita was playing near a worship room. She saw the bow inside that room and lifted it playfully. Coincidentally, King Janaka witnessed this event. He was astonished and decided that he would marry off Sita to the person who could lift this bow.
During the exile, the Demon King Ravana kidnapped Sita. He kept her imprisoned in his kingdom and surrounded her with evil and cruel demons. However, she did not bow down to Ravana. She remained fearless and maintained her devotion to Lord Rama.
King Janaka invited all kings to a ceremony. He wanted to choose a suitable life partner for Sita. So, he kept a condition for the kings and asked them to lift his ancestor’s divine bow. Every mighty king tried his best but eventually failed. Only Lord Rama could easily lift the bow. Thus, Lord Rama and Sita got married.
After her marriage, Sita received all comforts. The elders were fond of her and people respected her. When Lord Rama was preparing to leave for exile, he suggested that Sita should stay in the palace. He clearly described the struggles that one needs to face in the forest. However, Sita remained fearless and went along with Lord Rama. She faced the challenges and overcame them with patience and faith. Lord Rama and Sita expressed unconditional love in their relationship and strengthened it while going through the pain of separation.
When Lord Rama came to know about Sita’s abduction, he felt intense pain. He urgently went in search of Sita along with his brother, Laxmana. He built up an army to fight against Ravana. Then finally, Lord Rama killed Ravana on the battlefield.
Despite living in a hostile environment in Ravana's kingdom, Sita never gave up hope for a new life. She always thought of Rama, felt his presence, and refused to accept any help and worldly gratifications offered by Ravana.
From birth, we learn to use our senses to experience the world. This way of viewing the world is crucial to perceive the world and survive in daily life. However, we can learn to enhance our perceptions in order to accept and overcome life’s challenges. Suppose that I ask you to stand in front of a mirror and directly look into your eyes. How do you see them? Most of us can see features such as shape, size, and color of eyes.
Ask yourself the following questions to witness the depth of your being.
● What are the significant moments of joy these eyes have had?
● What are the significant moments of pain these eyes have had?
● How do these eyes appreciate the qualities of others?
● Do I view myself through others’ eyes?
● Do I accept myself the way I am?
To look for the answer to each question, visualize relevant life instances with undivided attention, and witness your thoughts and emotions without judgment. This shall help you enhance your perception and accept life’s realities. If we embrace the realities of our life, we nurture self-respect and view others the way they are. This attitude is the key to creating harmony in intimate relationships.
When Lord Rama came to know the news of his exile for fourteen years, he remained silent for some time, and then smiled. After that, he felt concerned for his father’s well-being and went to see him. King Dasharatha was lying down in great despair.
Rama felt his pain and intending to reduce his grief, he said, “Father, I can go into exile only if you allow me with your full heart.” On hearing this, King Dasharatha felt relieved and sent him with a heavy heart.
Queen Kaikeyi reinforced that Rama should spend his life in exile. Lord Rama accepted the reality.
Accepting our life’s realities helps us to get unstuck from conflicts and use our life force energy for a better purpose in life.
Honeybees create harmony and sweetness in nature. They help in the pollination of different species of flowers whereas Locusts rush in groups and cause damage to the crops. Similarly, we must be like a honeybee willing to resolve internal conflicts and share lessons with an intimate partner. This way, we can develop a culture of heart-to-heart communication.
Lord Rama clearly described the advantages and disadvantages of staying in the forest. He advised Sita to remain in the palace but he did not force his decision. Sita listened to him patiently and replied that she would not be happy without Lord Rama. She was determined to overcome her life’s challenges.
Listening with full attention helps us to empathize and make a conscious decision in life. When we listen to our inner voice, we notice its presence. If we think, feel, and act the same way, conflicts do not arise. If you can maintain this state of being, you can move to the path of happiness. I know this state of being as ‘integrity.’ Integrity is a human value that helps us to strengthen our character. It helps us to prioritize our actions and purify our thoughts and emotions.
Lord Rama felt the necessity to keep his father’s word as his duty, but he also thought of other life opportunities. He consciously moved on with his life and did not have any resentment against others. When Sita was staying in the demons’ surveillance, she always kept thinking of Lord Rama. She remained devoted to her love. Hence, she remained fearless. Integrity makes us who we are. It is the foundation of our self-worth.
Marriage is a spiritual union where one learns to free themselves from the conditioning of the mind. Intimate relationships and circumstances show us our actual human values and character. If we take ownership of resolving inner conflicts, we can cultivate the culture of love. As a result, marriage can become a space for spiritual development.
