Chapter Fourteen
@Nuke’s need for self-exploration was obvious from his first mention of a forgotten childhood, and the breach of his System’s security that instructed him to contact me had made it clear that I AM intended I should take part. In our exploration sessions 8 would spontaneously enter a trance state and following my suggestions, would review childhood experiences with his parents. Returns to his Egyptian childhood revealed an extreme lack of parental affection, especially from his mother Marishka, whose cold, rejecting, calculating behavior was highly abnormal for her tall gray species. His father would not take him to the bazaars and he had few opportunities for fun. Nuke spoke with contempt of being told he should not mingle with ordinary children because his white hair, pale skin, and solid black eyes would cause them to reject him. He said that until his parents departed from Earth when he was around twelve years old and left him in the care of his paternal uncle, “It was all instruction.”
“Did something happen in your childhood that left a lasting impression?” I asked.
“Finding myself landing in the sand face first.”
“Are you talking about the day you were born?”
“Yes.”
“Your mother delivered you directly onto the sand?”
“Yes. I have a vivid memory of it. I didn’t like it at all. She dropped me and went back to her work as soon as possible on the same day. She left it to others to care for me.”
“Did she ever show you any affection?”
“She showed no interest in me at all except when she instructed me.”
Nuke always said that Marjie’s spiritual Light was the most beautiful he had seen. When asked if he knew anyone else with a Light almost as beautiful as hers, he surprised me by selecting his father. “Why was your father so undemonstrative toward you?”
“Perhaps he simply lacked the courage to disobey his consort. Do you think he took his cues from her?”
“It’s quite possible…Your father may have perceived her as so much more intelligent than him that he would not question anything she said or did.”
“If he thought that, he was right. I would like to continue this discussion at another time.” I complied.
In our next session I asked, “Have you been thinking about your father?”
“Yes, but I became distressed and stopped, because my emotions were getting out of control. I thought we were trying to teach me how to control my emotions.”
“You learn to control them by first becoming familiar with them. Sometimes they can be unpleasant. Tell me more about your father.”
“Once I did a great thing. When my father learned about it, he told me about the interest he had in another and the great things he had done.”
“Tell me more about your relationship with your mother.”
“My mother instructed me and I always did my best…That is what was expected of me. I would not shame my family… Because of her I became a Nucleus. I attained all that I wanted.”
“All but the love of your father.”
“I learned to look for this from my pet, and eventually I will from my bonded one.”
“The love of a pet is not the same as the love of a father… Do you know what humans value more than anything else?”
“No, what is it?”
“Love. The human part of you craves love and always has. In your society you are taught to keep emotions under tight control, but to experience our emotions is normal for humans”
“You have given me much to ponder.”
In view of the lack of affection shown to him in his childhood, I was not surprised by Nuke’s answer when I asked, “You once said there were things within you that you don’t like. What do you find hard to accept?”
“I have feelings of isolation, emptiness, loneliness, and lack of recognition.”
Concerning his foster father Abed Habeen, Nuke said, “My uncle consulted with others about the building of monuments and temples and pyramids. He traveled back and forth between Giza and Susa and I went with him.” (Susa was the capital of ancient Persia, thought to have been established about 7000 years ago). “Susa was located in what is now called Iran, and there was a great deal of construction underway. At that time craft could be seen everywhere, many of them on the ground. For a while my uncle and I lived there.
I ran around with a gang of boys on the streets of Susa. We traded for the items we wanted. Sometimes we would haggle with the merchants for so long that they would chase us off.
“We played a game that involved the use of a box with different sized holes in the top. Each hole was worth a certain number of points. We would stand over the box and try to drop marbles into them, but you had to do it in a certain sequence or the marbles wouldn’t come out because of the little trapdoors inside. I remember carrying it around and shaking it furiously, trying to get the marbles out.”
At age 16 Nuke was transported to an Alliance military academy, where he remained for 600 Earth years. His instruction included military training, chemistry, DNA, biology, geology, physics, astronomy, social skills, awareness expansion, and characteristics of the species he encountered. We did not discover until years after we had begun our counseling sessions, that the topmost planners of a conspiracy to take control of the Alliance were responsible for the content of Nuke’s personal training program, which included highly aversive psychological conditioning to make him forget his past and deep suppression of his emotions. He had been genetically engineered to have two brain stems which gave him extraordinary mental capacities that were further enhanced by circuitry installed in his body.
Eight was generally quite brave and usually had no difficulty in dealing with physical danger, but confronting the facts and associated emotions of his early life left him completely vulnerable. His battle armor and weapons could not defend him from those things, and he was justifiably reluctant to uncover them. If our Creator had not intervened at emotionally crucial moments of his life, he would not have survived. The first of those critical interventions occurred when he was still a cadet and his severe training regimen had nearly done him in. He had been trained to avoid close relationships, and the harsh behavioral conditioning he had received left him feeling completely isolated and totally unloved. At the height of his despair he was visited by a handful of brilliant beings of Light who “…surrounded me and did something to me that made my heart swell with love.”
He was also joined by another entity who showed him much love. “It was 600 years from the time I was born until I received the first embrace from Old Thing (an entity about 8 inches tall who resembled an upright, limbless stone). I was nearly finished with my academy training. Old Thing was my constant companion for hundreds of years before I lost track of him. I trusted him completely and would do anything he asked of me without question.”
“Can you tell me more about your first meeting with Old Thing? How did it happen?”
“During an idle time I was sitting alone, thinking of how isolated I was from the other cadets and everyone else. Others seemed to share and have friendships, and although I would not have turned down an approach by others, no one ever made an approach, so I went my way alone. One moment I was alone and the next moment Old Thing appeared, and I immediately sensed that he knew absolutely everything about me. Although Old Thing has no appendages, I had the sensation of being held and loved. Old Thing knew I did not have emotions and knew I had not felt affection, and he supplied them. He made me aware that I felt abandoned, unloved, uncared for, and I did not know why. For ten hours I sat motionless in the presence of Old Thing. The entire time I felt bathed in love and acceptance. For the first time, I became aware of myself as an individual. Nucleus became a real, separate being, not just another faceless member of society.”
“How often has Old Thing come back to you?”
“Frequently. Every two hundred years or so he would appear out of nowhere and was there for me. It wasn’t always during moments of high stress. It would be when Old Thing knew I could stop and appreciate the gift of His presence. He was father and mother to me.”
Metatron also appeared early in his career, although Nuke did not understand what he had encountered at the time. Like me, he loved to explore unknown territory. He said, “When I was a pilot, I would sometimes fly outside the designated flight plan, but I was never required to take an oath that I would travel directly from point A to point B, or to go as quickly as possible and come directly back without detours. I doubt I ever would have made such an oath. I knew there could be repercussions, (when he deviated) but I didn’t care.
“In our search for potential members of the Alliance, Rapsar and I were exploring a remote part of the grid when we suddenly encountered a huge object. We couldn’t determine if it was a planet, a mass of intelligent thought, or a vessel, but it was drawing us toward it, and our ship didn’t respond when we commanded it to back off. We braced for impact, but nothing much happened. As we entered it, we received numerous images of things with structure but they made no real sense to us, for they were unfamiliar. The next thing we knew, we had docked. I didn’t relish the thought of remaining in the ship until our life support ran out, and I thought we might be supper. Rapsar was as frightened as I was. We decided to leave the ship anyway, and stepped outside in protective gear. We received more pleasant images and decided we weren’t going to be eaten. After a short time we went back aboard our craft and were escorted out, so to speak, when the mass instantly vanished. We did not know what to make of the experience but sensed that something inside us had been altered. We went back to that area many times searching for the mass without success, until it suddenly reappeared before us. We couldn’t stop our forward progress in the three seconds we had to impact, and again we found ourselves docked and unharmed.
“We were shown that the alteration we had felt before was due to being implanted and that our ship had been tagged so it could be tracked no matter where we were. We did not know what it was but knew it was a powerful intelligence.”
“How did you feel about the relationship that you eventually developed with Light Mother?”
“We worked on many projects together in the medical facilities. We still haven’t figured out just what Mother is.”
“Did you feel her love?”
“When I was inside him, I felt far more than love. It went beyond that. It is just his way of being, and his is the proper pronoun.”
Nuke’s anger was aroused to a dangerous degree during one of my sessions with Marjie, whose ethereal self was transported to a completely barren landscape except for a few large, dark-colored crystals projecting from the ground. When urged by Perithnea to do so, she reluctantly placed her hand on a purple crystal and felt her life force being absorbed at an alarming rate, but she could not let go. Frightened by her dangerous loss of vitality, I ordered her to call upon all the Hosts of heaven and anyone else who could help her, as did I. Just as it seemed she was about to expire, Alta Sha stepped between her and the crystal, releasing its hold. Metatron then escorted her to the Station’s medical unit, where 22, Chief Physician, restored her lost energy.
I didn’t understand why this life-threatening event occurred in spite of asking for God’s protection at the beginning of our session. Alta Sha stated the incident had been allowed by I AM because it would have a beneficial effect on Nucleus 8, and so Marjie would know how much help she would receive when she was in deep trouble, a step necessary for her growth. As it turned out, the scene was a holograph arranged by the Board of Twelve. As with earthly blood banks, it was common practice to withdraw and store a small portion of an individual’s vital energy until it was needed in future medical emergencies, but this time it went haywire.
When Nuke’s efforts to stop the runaway withdrawal of life force had failed, he fully expected Marjie to die. When she recovered he said, “I am relieved that Star One (his name for Marjie) is doing so much better… I am very upset that she was urged to touch this crystal when she had not been properly prepared. In fact, I am consumed with irritation. It is an emotion I have not experienced before. I am not used to having such strong emotions and I am not sure what is causing them.”
“Alta Sha stopped the flow of energy by stepping between her and the crystal.” The implied incompetence of those who overruled him stiffened Nuke with even more anger. I added, “Perhaps this happened for your growth...You’re becoming more emotional, more like a human.”
“You have already intercepted my question.”
“I thank I AM for all the feelings that I have, even the unpleasant ones, because they help me to know who I am and what matters to me.”
When very angry, Nuke was capable of destroying physical objects with his mind, and in the privacy of his quarters, he had been doing just that, displacing the anger he felt away from its real target. Perithnea informed me of another divine intervention at this crucial point, saying, “Alta Sha visited Nucleus in his quarters last night. Nucleus thought he was hallucinating. Alta Sha is going to go back to see him again today but this time he’s going to take some others with him, including Nuke's father.”
“Nuke thinks his father is dead.”
“He’s in for a surprise.”
“Does the Board know what’s happening with him?”
“They’re about to decide they don't want to mess with him anymore, and Nuke is afraid he’s going to lose his position.
“When Alta Sha goes back, I think he’ll escort him to the Board.”
Upon our next meeting Nuke said, “Thank you for contacting me so soon.”
“I understand you had visitors.”
“What else have your spies told you?”
I repeated what little I knew and said, “I still want to know how your meeting with your father went, what happened between you and the Board, and how you feel about all of it.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Do you not realize the full impact of what you have done?”
“Not the full extent.”
“I was in my room, which is completely impenetrable due to the many levels of security that must be bypassed to enter, and due to my anger, I was destroying things with my mind. I thought my actions would cause alarm to my colleagues, but I learned later they had been encoded. I was joined by beings of incredible magnificence. I had knowledge of such beings, but only in theory. They surrounded me. I was nearly blinded by their Light and almost deafened by their tones.
“Then they stepped back to reveal my father! We embraced and shed tears.”
“So you and your father are reconciled?”
“Yes, and I am also reconciled with the Board. To my delight, the beings encircled me and transported me to the entrance of the Board room. Alta Sha entered by himself. He returned a few moments later and escorted me before the Board. I was given a great deal of information which answered a multitude of my unasked questions. Eight has blended…Eight has been received upon the Board.”
Tears fell from my eyes. “I can't tell you how happy these events make me. I am so grateful to know you are finally at peace.”
“Without you and your questions, I would never have found inner sight. I am greatly indebted to you, and I send to you a multitude of gratitude.”
It was revealed to 8 through a very psychic woman that his mother Marishka, his father Moussa, and Christian, a brother he did not know existed, were living on Orsis, a planet that was famous for huge crystals which were used by its inhabitants as energy sources. Orsis was dying due to overuse of its depleted crystals. Nuke assumed responsibility for a massive, planetary rehabilitation project, which brought him into frequent contact with his father after a separation that had lasted for 4700+ years. He said, “I have been taking walks with Moussa and showing him the areas of highest priority. Walking and talking with him is something like talking with Old Thing, and I enjoy it. He is most appreciative and keeps thanking me for the medical assistance he received, but I don’t want his gratitude, I want him to be the father he never was. We don’t talk about the things we missed. We avoid discussing the separation and just talk about the feelings we have now.”
“What is Marishka doing?”
“I put her in charge of greeting the visitors to the planet.”
“Does she have the personality traits needed for that job?”
“Now she does, and the job forces her to use them.”
Nuke and I were discussing the emotional difficulties that were degrading his job performance. I said, “All the great religions say we should overcome our bodies and our base human instincts, and to learn detachment from the material world.”
“That would be like Mariska. She is detached.”
“Your mother lacks compassion. We should always have compassion for others and ourselves. Doing what needs to be done out of love while maintaining an attitude of detachment is possible. One can learn that emotions come and go. They are temporary. One does not have to fear emotion.”
“But they can be incapacitating. They can interfere with one’s work.”
“The need for a security force is based on caring about the welfare of others. If the work doesn’t allow you to care about yourself as well, there’s something wrong with it. What good is it to care for the feelings of others if you don’t care for your own? There’s the job of doing a particular task and the job of living well and taking care of yourself, including your feelings. Emotions are a natural event, like the tide coming in. Would you say that the tide should not come in, that it’s an imperfection? The tide also goes out again. Even feelings that incapacitate us are temporary. They are not dangerous until we try to deny and repress them, for then they will rebel and cause us problems.”
“Thank you for those words. You have given me a great deal to think about tonight.”
Nuke’s perfectionism was challenged by failures of his security procedures to prevent the attacks on his loved ones and others who had been killed by the conspirators, causing him to become quite depressed. Marjie’s moods were often affected by his, as in this instance. I said, “She loves you, Nuke. If you’re unhappy, she’ll be unhappy too. What is troubling you so?”
“My career.”
“If you don’t enjoy your work, you need to take a break.”
“Would you have any reservations at all if I were to spend a year of Earth time with you? I could be near you and Star One and search for inner peace.”
“Of course you can come here. You are kind, helpful, and thoughtful. It would be like having a brother for the first time in this life. You’ll have to ask Star One.”
“I spoke to her earlier.”
“Before, you were proud and contented with your work.”
“I am weary. I have reached the limits of my energy.”
“Was there ever a time when you felt tranquility?”
“There has never been such a time.”
“One year out of four thousand seven hundred and eighteen is a very small drop in a very big bucket. I think you’re entitled to that.”
“I hope the Board will understand it that way.”
“I think they will.”
“I need to talk with them. Thank you for your advice.”
Marjie said, “Nucleus is on a thin edge. He’s about to have a complete breakdown.”
“You’ve been picking up on his mood.”
“I knew I had no reason to feel so down.”
“He’s thinking of coming to live with us. He said you agreed. If he does, you’ll have a chance to help him feel a lot better.”
“Sure he can come!”
Most of the next day went by without hearing from 8, and I was concerned about him until we sat down for supper and he finally said. “The Board accepted my wish for a sabbatical. Indeed, they applauded my decision and do not want me to come back until I have found the inner peace I am looking for.” The downstairs bedroom became his sanctuary.
A few days after his arrival Joseph, who channeled through Marjie, asked, “Why is that big man staying with us for so long? Why does he cry so much?”
“Is he crying now?”
“Yes. He cries a lot.”
“Perhaps you should ask him why he cries so much.”
“Joseph not interfere.”
“You can always ask him if there is anything he wants to talk about or if there is anything you can do to help.”
“Okay.”
I thought, Nucleus is beginning to feel the lack of what he has needed for so long, a parent’s love, the love of a mate, and love of himself. He’s learning to let go of the excessive self control that has allowed him to function like a machine, and his grief is coming to the surface. I’m glad for him, even though it’s painful.
At bedtime Sarah asked, “Why is 8 man crying?”
“He needs a lot of love and understanding right now, but he will get better.”
Nuke tried to relax as he settled in and occasionally took part in the routine activities of our family. Marjie and I were drying off after a bath in our oversized tub when he said, “I would like to have some of your time if it’s convenient.”
“I’d like to talk about crying when you’re asleep.”
“That’s what I had in mind.”
We went upstairs, got dressed, and Nuke lay on the bed. He asked, “Will you hold my hand?” I did.
“As you know, my mission is to protect and save the lives of those under my care, but I failed to prevent the attacks on Star One and Sarah that nearly caused their deaths, and I have questioned my fitness for the position I hold. Because of my position, I also have to make some very difficult decisions. Earth is not the only planet facing extinction. There are many others, and individuals who represent their species must be selected for transport to the planets we have prepared for them. Many deserving individuals know that a place is being prepared for them and are ready to go to new planets and to live in harmony with other species. Unfortunately, the Alliance does not have enough transports or enough homes for everyone. Thousands of us are searching for inhabitable planets and others that are suitable for temporary shelter, but they are hard to find. The awful part is that I, being in charge of everyone’s security, have to choose who will be saved and who will be left behind. This burden is more than I can bear.” He was crying.
“It’s important to remember that the fate of those you cannot take is not up to you alone. I AM has a plan for everyone, and whatever decision you make will be taken into account. God may have much better plans for the souls of those who are not chosen than living on a new planet.”
“I have been focused on the material world for so long that I sometimes forget to look at the world beside it.”
“If I am left on Earth, it is the will of I AM and I will
have to accept it. Sooner or later, all of us must face death…”
“How could I possibly leave you behind?”
“I would not hold it against you, if that is the final decision. I AM knows what is best.
“Would you like to take a mental journey now?”
“Yes.”
I prayed that I AM would provide Nuke with guidance and said, “Surround yourself with Light and seek a guide who will show you the way to your Higher Self. It can help you make the decisions you face with a peaceful mind instead of torment.”
In a few moments Nuke tearfully exclaimed, “Old Thing! It is you! Old Thing! Old Thing, you have come! I thought I would never see you again. I have missed you so much!” He cupped his hands as if holding a small being close to his heart
“Let your tears flow. Don’t try to control them.”
“I love you so, Old Thing. I did not know, Old Thing. You were with me all the time? If only I had searched! I am so sorry, Old Thing. I thought you had dissolved into nothingness!”
He wept so freely that I had to use several tissues to wipe away his tears. To Old Thing he said, “Yes, I am troubled in spirit. I do not know how to decide what I must decide.” He silently listened, then nodded. “Yes, I understand. That is a good idea. Thank you, my friend.” He looked at me. “We are finished.”
“I AM sent this being to guide you, Nuke.”
“He is here for you, too. Take him and hold him near your heart. Look within yourself for him.”
With eyes closed, I embraced Old Thing, saying, “I see the steep buttes of Monument Valley and the all-seeing eye of the Creator at the top of a pyramid.”
“Old Thing’s form is similar to the buttes. Beings like him communicate telepathically and are very wise. I am ashamed that I did not look within myself to find him sooner. I can’t tell you how thankful I am for your help.
“Old Thing suggested that each Board member make a list of those deserving transport and give it to someone they trust implicitly. They’re to say those listed are the most precious cargo there could ever be, and leave the choices to someone who will not be emotionally involved. This method will relieve the suffering of those making the lists, and the Board will not be condemned by those who are unhappy with a decision. It is an excellent solution.”
I was ready to continue his inner search, but Nuke avoided having sessions for days. When at last he agreed, I began with, “You said your concern for those who will be lost was your most difficult problem. Your concern comes from your compassion and from your personal experience of being abandoned in the past, the feeling that there is no one who really cares for you. Get in touch with that part of yourself, the child who felt abandoned and who needed to be touched.”
Doubling over in pain, he said, “My chest burns.” He wept as I rocked him in my arms for a couple of minutes. Then he choked out, “This is making Star One ill. The strength of my energy is harming her. I don’t want to do that.”
“She will sacrifice for your benefit.”
“It’s too strong. I will retreat to my quarters and continue there.”
“We’ll be near when you need us.”
Although Marjie didn’t feel Nuke’s grief unless he was channeling, she suffered significantly from its physical effects, including a pounding headache, stomach pain, diarrhea, and fatigue. Our interdimensional children and the Station medical staff comforted Nuke. Adam said, “All of those tending his body at the Station are alarmed by the strength of his emotions. Perithnea instructed them to find a rocking chair, and said the biggest one of all should hold his body on her lap and rock it. She found a machine that made a teddy bear that will snuggle with him and put it in the crook of his arm to hold. His body is not a pretty sight. He is vomiting and soiling himself like an infant. He is wailing and moaning and crying his heart out.”
“That’s exactly what he needs to do.”
Joseph was very upset and asked me, “Why is mama so sad, daddy?” I explained, assured him that her reaction would pass, and suggested that he separate from her emotional pain. “I will not leave Touch now,” he said. I was impressed by his loyalty.
In an interval of relative calm, Nuke said, “Sarah is doing a wonderful job of being my companion.” He began to sob. I held him in my arms until he again became concerned for Marjie’s welfare and retired to his bedroom. That night I saw many UFOs circling the horizon, keeping close tabs on their revered leader. At times I found Marjie’s body lying on Nuke’s bed, weeping. Adam said, “I’ve been changing the sheets when they get too wet. I want to help however I can.”
Two days had passed when Nuke, with a tired but contented expression, said, “I feel much better. I think I have worked through a thousand years of pain. I now have extensive files on a whole gamut of distinct negative emotions such as bitterness, pain, betrayal, neglect, anger, and resentment.”
“I’m proud of you for having the courage to persevere. It’s been harder than I expected.”
“Thank you for bearing with me.”
“I should thank you for allowing me to help.”
He grasped my shoulder affectionately and I said, “Joseph was afraid of the gray monsters he saw on the roof.”
“More like gray angels. You’ve been inundated with grays who came here for your protection as well as mine.”
I felt their light touch and said, “They were very concerned about you. I imagine now they’re wondering if releasing all this emotion will change you.”
“I need to learn how to balance my human side wi