21. Do Not Let Your Resolve Be Hijacked By Other People
This topic has been included because your day-to-day dealings with the other people in your life present a testing ground of your new resolve to change yourself. These relationships with other people will be bound to test your resolve to maintain your positive emotions and positive thinking in the face of situations and events that previously could have caused negative feelings of disappointment, annoyance, jealousy and so on. Learn to identify and not to trust conditioned responses that tell you that you should respond to events by feeling sadness that people or life are not as they should be.
Not only is the world as it is, people are who they are. What do I mean by that?
People are the people that, for whatever reason - that they want to be, or think is right to be, or do not know of another way to be. We should expect other people to think and act differently from us. When people behave differently that should not disappoint us- it should be our expectation. When they do behave the same as us or as we would wish them to then see that as a bonus. We can sometimes be pleasantly surprised by how similar we all are and how others, on occasions, think and act the same way as ourselves but that should not be your expectation.
Therefore have absolutely no expectations of anyone and then you will not be vulnerable to feeling disappointed. Instead turn it around to a positive and take the view that all pleasing, enjoyable and nice experiences with friends and family are a bonus and a pleasant surprise and not an expectation or right. From time to time friends or family members will unexpectedly turn against you and find fault with you. Look for the message that may be contained as a learning opportunity. Is there something you are not giving? But always remember that the events and happenings side of life is not where your inner happiness comes from and therefore you should not be emotionally vulnerable to such outcomes.
People blow hot and cold. They have their own lives to lead. They may be in a hurry, stressed, tired, depressed, or unable to cope or perhaps jealous and resentful. Accept that that is how people are. Accept that people are the way they are, and they behave in that way not to offend us, but simply because that is the way they feel and think. We cannot make other people behave in ways that we would like. The only person we have the power to change is ourselves. If we do not accept them as they are then we are saying that they should behave in a certain way according to criteria that we believe to be correct. In other words ‘I am right and they are wrong’.
Exercise diversity in your appreciation of other people especially those from different races, cultures and age groups. Genuinely know and believe that all people are fascinating and everybody has a story to tell, or has a talent, and may surprise you if do not approach chance meetings with bias, prejudice, and fixed preconceptions.
In particular do not allow the knee jerk reaction of disappointment or deflation when you experience what you interpret as selfish and inconsiderate behaviour by others for example when driving. Try to cultivate being impervious to the selfish and aggressive actions of other drivers.
Do not allow your inner happiness / mood to be hijacked by a knee jerk reaction to the negative moods of people close to you around you. Just because they are morose or picky or stressed that does not mean you have to rise to it or react to it. Instead when family members or close friends around you are stressed rise above it and take it in your stride. Do not feel irritated or frustrated by it. If they cannot cope they cannot cope. Do not believe that you can change the people around you. The more stressed, depressed, tense and / or uptight someone else is the more they will believe that you are the one who is stressed and not them. However frustrating that may be, it is a fact.
Do not ever expect to rationalise with a tense and stressed person and absolutely do not attempt to convince them that they are the one who is stressed. You cannot expect others to not be stressed just because you are not. They may be stressed for any number of reasons but for females this is especially likely to be hormonal, and for everyone overload, pressure and tiredness. You may be frustrated and disappointed that they are stressed and thereby ‘spoiling the day’ but what will be received and perceived is that ‘you are getting at them’, and that ’nothing is ever good enough’. This is a perception gap that cannot be bridged and no good ever comes of trying. Refrain from judging, and definitely refrain from passing comment, and divert your own thoughts and attention onto something independent. Just offer unconditional love.
It is not enough to simply concentrate on maintaining your own mood when close ones around you are uptight, tired, or stressed. In fact to maintain your own mood you need to positively apply yourself to meeting their needs. This is a time to give them unconditional love, consideration, and support. In a relationship try to predict when these situations will arise. It is a golden rule that you do not look for any emotional energy and support from then during these times.
Above all just listen and ask open questions and do not be in a hurry to offer solutions. Just because you may believe you have a better perspective, this is not the time to thrust your beliefs on another.
Friendships
Our relations with our friends are a particularly important area where your new attitudes and resolve will be tested.
Do not look for or expect perfect friendships. You get back from them what you get back from them. Life is as it is- not how you want it to be. You should expect to put regular effort into relationships because they need a lot of maintenance. Do not allow yourself to be hurt and wounded when friends do not speak or act in accordance with preconceived notions of how you think they should. It probably isn’t personal. They are just different from you.
Your success or otherwise with friendships and perceived popularity has nothing to do with your worth or adequacy as a person. Do not give house room to feelings of social ineptness, and poor interpersonal skills. You are who you are.
Day-to-day relationships are vital so maintain a sufficiently wide group of friendships and do not overly rely on any one of them. Apart from your primary relationship with your partner (if you have one) absolutely do not put all your for eggs in one basket since over reliance on a single friendship has a high risk of ending in tears. Watch out for this and avoid. This is a very important element of a happy life. I am not saying don’t have deep and meaningful friendships. However you will never be happy if you spend your life obsessing about what one particular friend has said or not said or has done or not done. Maintaining a wide set of friends protects you from this source of anxiety.
You should also always remember that when a friend does not say or do what you want, it probably has nothing to do with you, and there can be a thousand reasons most of which you could never know or guess.
Do not carry on with friendships which have run their course, and are worn out, and no longer mutually good or rewarding for you. Time is limited and you should periodically choose and review your friends. It is a waste to keep investing time and energy in the same friendship out of habit where you no longer get anything positive out of it. If there are people in your life who are 'black hats' i.e. they are nearly always negative and moaning and are a drain on your spirits then you should minimise your contact with them. They may no longer be good for you and may jeopardise your progress on your spiritual journey.
If you discover that a friend actually does not want for or wish for the best for you then sometimes you need to do the difficult thing and stop spending time on them. You may for example discover that in truth they are jealous of you, or resent you in some way, or are threatened by you and as a result critical. When you really value yourself you will not want to spend time with people who do not value you.
Regrettably, many people are threatened by or jealous of people who are more financially ‘successful’ than themselves however superficial, or deluded you understand this to be. Thus it will always be more difficult to attract and maintain friendships with many people as you become wealthier even though you know this to be absolutely irrelevant. However people who show themselves to be shallow in this way would be unlikely to be able to provide any valuable connection of depth.
I would like to close this chapter with a quote:
‘Nothing in the world can bother you as much as your own mind, I tell you. In fact, others seem to be bothering you, but it is not others, it is your own mind.’ Sri Sri Ravi Shankar