The next 14 pages or so- i.e. the rest of Section 2 –are guidance on how to behave with EI in most everyday situations at work and play and how to manage your relationships with friends, family and your partner. As you start to apply EI in more and more situations and areas of your life you will avoid the traps and hazards which cause suffering and unhappiness. You will gradually get your life on a more stable footing where you are not constantly fighting the fires of upset and unhappiness , and will progressively feel more in harmony with yourself, your friends , work colleagues and family. As you progressively start to feel that your life is generally ‘OK’ and running reasonably ‘smoothly’ this will free up the emotional and intellectual resources and energy to start to develop some SI where real deep and lasting happiness and inner peace is to be found.
Now I know you have heard this said a zillion times before but I would like to elaborate on why it is true. I want to show you a different way to think about effort. When we get into practising spiritual behaviour a fundamental ingredient to being a happy and contented person is that with every human activity you must LET GO OF THE OUTCOME. It is always the positive energy, the good mental attitude, the effort, the good karma if you like , that went into a job that is also the result of the job , and NOT the outcome. It is what you personally put into a job that will be the lasting effect of the job in terms of contributing to how you feel afterwards-not the physical outcome . By all means derive satisfaction from a completed quality job but always know that it is the effort that counts, i.e. do your best and let go of the outcome.
You will know how sometimes when you finish a substantial job eg it might have been decorating a room or for the more ambitious installing a new bathroom, that finishing can often seem like an anticlimax. It can often be that you realise that you actually enjoyed doing the project more than the pleasure you get from the end result. And this is why I assert that it is is what you put into a job that will contribute to how you feel afterwards. In my life I have done lot of DIY and moved around a lot and I no longer even own or have access to the vast majority of the DIY projects that I have completed. You will probably find the same that things move on all the time and for many reasons you will not derive long term satisfaction and well being from the physical outcome of your work, only from the positive energy that you put into those projects.
I am freeing you here and now from all results that you would previously have viewed as failures or unsuccessful. These are delusions of the mind. If you have done your best and put positive energy into a job then with regard to your happiness and well being it is a success regardless of the physical outcome.
Let me give you an example: Your car needs repairing. You have never done this particular job before but you read about how to do it on the internet and assess that you have the requisite experience and competence to tackle the job. You maybe also talk to a more experienced friend. You gather up what you think will be the necessary tools. You put on appropriate old clothes. You agree with those around you that you are going to concentrate on this job for the period of time that you estimate that it will take. You then settle down and attempt the work in a relaxed and positive frame of mind in a methodical and organised manner. When you get the affected area stripped down you find that the problem is not quite as you expected. You know that this sort of situation is common in life and it has no power to annoy you or disturb your inner peace. You maybe are going to need another specialist tool that you are going to need to borrow or rent. You maybe need some additional replacement components. It becomes clear that you are not going to be able to finish the job today. Or maybe you realise that for various reasons you will never be able to finish the job and must put it all back together and take the car to a garage. All the time you were enjoying the challenge, interested in the engineering, enjoying the privilege of living and breathing and accumulating more experience and learning.
Now was that a failure or a success?. It is absolutely a success because at the end of it the positive attitude that you invested for the duration has made you a happier person. You smile and shrug your shoulders with the wisdom that sometimes you win and sometimes you lose and that is all part of the endless fascination of life. The physical result is not the result of the job because although you did your best YOU CANNOT CONTROL OUTCOMES. Physical outcomes are life and you know by now that you must accept life as it is –not as you wish it to be. Of course you would have wanted to get that job finished but you accept that does not always happen.
All you have to do in life is get up each day and do your best. Try to operate with skill and to the best of your ability applying your knowledge and experience but you must LET GO OF THE OUTCOMES. You cannot control them and that is about accepting the world as it is. Understand that if at the time you always try to do your best, and try to always want the best for those around you, then there is no such thing as failure. All there is is LIFE and experiences.
You need to be mentally and physically active to be happy and content. Activity causes the production of endorphins which prevent depression. You get out of life what you put in more or less on a daily basis. There is very little inertia. You must keep interested in, and stimulated by, a variety of projects and activities whatever they are. You also must maintain the vitality of each of your activities by continuing to be consciously aware of where you are going next in the development of each.
You should pit your wits and talents against the job or game, to the best of your abilities and to your full potential, and enjoy the Intellectual challenge. Ultimately there is little difference between playing an intellectual game or sport to the best of your ability to doing a job to the best of your ability.
Be passionate about what you get involved in and do.
As with any living thing, plant or animal, there is no option of stagnation. You must keep exploring and learning, and growing; the alternative is atrophy, decay and withering.
You have heard the saying ‘Seize the Day’ and this is a good adage. Do not fritter the day away-set some objectives and form a plan of what you plan to do. It does not matter if unexpected things occur which divert you from your plan. The important thing is to approach the day with healthy effort and intent and positive energy.
The servicing of sensual desire gives temporary pleasure but not inner happiness. Pleasure has its’ place but do not confuse it with happiness-they are not the same. There is nothing wrong in taking pleasure from enjoyable experiences big or small - the danger lies in the wanting. We must understand that the mind constantly craves pleasure and is insatiable. The way to view it is to group all sensual desires together as a bundle-ie sex, food, drinks, music, beauty, art, warmth, scents , pleasant touch sensations and entertainment, etc and also include the craving for feeling good from the company of your loved one or friends. A large part of the mind is an insatiable fire which craves to be fed with continual sensual pleasure. As soon as one sensual desire is satisfied, the mind immediately moves onto the next. The truth is that all searches for happiness which are lead by the senses are doomed to failure. This is because all sensual pleasure is temporary and worse still, we habituate to it over time, which means that any sensual experience which is continued for too long, or to excess, will lose its attraction and become an irritation or boring. It is frustrating that even after the best possible meal, or sex, or whatever, the mind very quickly starts to seek a new stimulation to amuse it or even worse, seeks a repeat experience of the sex or meal that it has just enjoyed. Sensual desire arises again and again but the more pleasure you get the more you want and need .The mind is insatiable and our senses can get more and more dulled.
So don’t confuse the pleasure of sensual satisfaction with true happiness. And if you look around you at people who are truly happy, I can guarantee that they will not be people drinking greedily from the cup of sensual desire; they will embrace it, but with an awareness and sparingness that retains its value.
A development of craving is the urge to try to hold onto sensual pleasure (rather than just repeat them). When we see beautiful sights, or experience a wonderful taste, we ache to be able to preserve it, or permanently capture it but, of course, we cannot as everything is momentary and impermanent. What is more the way our senses work is to respond to change and if any sensual input remains unchanged we quickly become numb or habituated to it.
All the time that we are preoccupied with pursuing temporary sensual pleasure we are by definition not investing in more worthy thoughts and behaviours that would enhance our enduring happiness. Whilst we are beset with desire and the possibility of its gratification we can no longer see that there could be something else much more important to develop and address in our lives and that is SI. If we allow ourselves to be like leaves in the wind, blown about hither and thither by our desires then we are missing out on much deeper fulfilment. That means we have to ‘manage’ our desires – and practicing moderation is a good way to start. For example how about trying for starters moderation in eating. The thinking is that if we are able to put a fence around one of our desires, it gives us a chance of addressing some of our others because it frees up our mind and energy
Craving will always end in disappointment and dissatisfaction. Remember you cannot be in the moment with ideas of gaining at the same time. Always believing that you want and need whatever material thing is fastest, biggest, best or newest leads to being dissatisfied and never having enough. When we are obsessed by a person or thing we take on an illusion that they are 100% desirable and ignore the reality of their faults and disadvantages. The possession of what we desire is precarious, momentary and constantly threatened. It is illusory as ultimately we have very little control over what we think we possess. This is not to say that you should not enjoy material things-that is absolutely fine-just keep them in perspective and do not become dependent on them. Being sexually demanding and having frequent sexual expectation and desire is craving. Being demanding of time with the one you love because it makes you feel good is another form of craving.
This is probably a good place to bring up the thorny subject of wealth. You will have heard many times that money does not make you happy, but do you truly understand why not, and believe it? There are plenty of unhappy wealthy people around so why is that? Money is a commodity but has no value in and of itself to bring you happiness. The reason is that in the Western world, we already have more than enough wealth and possessions that our level of wealth is not an issue in determining whether we are happy or not. People can construct a full life of loving, friends, and e.g. listening to music, reading, walking, cycling, playing a sport etc within the limits of very modest wealth. For example, if you are of modest means you can still have some of the best and most memorable holidays of your life in the most beautiful locations merely by going camping or hostelling. The old adage that ‘ the best things in life are free’ is so true! It is also absolutely true that the most precious and valuable gift you can give your children or your elderly relations is your time.
Whilst money cannot bring you happiness, money can certainly make you very unhappy if you allow yourself to feel envy and jealousy when others have more than you, or if you spend your time worrying about what others have.
It is fine to enjoy and derive pleasure from material possessions without guilt but beware real attachment. In other words make sure you are not dependent on them. Try to learn how to be satisfied thus avoiding craving and the cycle of chronic discontent. It is all about whether your motives and emotions are positive or negative.
Let me give you an example of this. Suppose that you want to own a classic car. It really does not matter how much or how little the car is worth. What matters is how you think about it. There is nothing intrinsically ‘wrong’ about enjoying a material possession but being materialistic can make you very unhappy indeed. Here are some positive and negative ways of thinking about your possession:
You cannot scratch the surface in a lifetime of what there is out there to explore. It’s an Aladdin’s cave of treasures. And the internet has changed our lives and potentially enriched them to a spectacular degree. It has sent the boundless availability of information, and entertainment into the stratosphere. There is a bewildering and mind boggling choice and availability of a kaleidoscope of information, fiction, non-fiction, entertainment, games and social networking to amuse and interest us .
You should be be able to relax and enjoy what you enjoy without feeling guilty. If you derive enjoyment from e.g. reading or watching a film this is a good thing. If you are enjoying doing something you are never wasting time-quite the opposite in fact. Do what you really enjoy doing- e.g. reading, watching films, walking, cycling (my list!) or whatever energises and interests you.
There is a balance to be struck and you need to be selective, and not just driven by habit, because there are dangers in being involved in too much and being too busy. Do not pursue any hobby out of habit if it has lost its freshness and become routine. Have a break from that hobby and invest time in others that for you still generate excitement.
You do not need a lot of money to enjoy most hobbies. Be clear what your hobbies are and make a list of what they are and their main elements. If necessary rationalise your list, and be prepared to be ruthless, to end up with a manageable number of discrete hobbies. Maintain a diary or log of what the next steps are, or the next ideas to explore, or knowledge to acquire for each hobby. If the total of potential projects/ initiatives to expand / progress your hobbies is greater than you can realistically address in the next few weeks then that is no bad thing. The important thing is to maintain an appetite and enthusiastic anticipation for your hobbies.
Try to avoid having just one hobby to the exclusion of all others which is a common human behaviour. I have met so many people who only ever seem to do one thing. Apart from the lost opportunities, being excellent at one thing can give rise to the delusion that you are excellent and something special all round. You do not have to be the best at everything you do. Make an effort to try new things and be ready to laugh at yourself. Make yourself go outside your comfort zone, and pit yourself at a range of challenges in order to retain your humility.
Avoid becoming obsessed with achieving a goal when your time would be more productively invested elsewhere and the task has gone beyond that which is necessary. It is helpful to give a hobby momentum and direction to set goals but avoid over emphasis on them. Always remember the hobby is the doing –not the end product or outcome. I will say more about this in the section Visualisation & Goals when we get into practising spiritual behaviour.
Approach your hobbies with zest, organisation, and structure. Give them the same energy, and quality of application that you give your working life.
Most people need to feel that they are ‘fit for life’ and be comfortable with their general weight and fitness to have the energy and motivation to strive to follow a journey of personal development and managing change at the emotional and spiritual levels.
You need to strive for a level of health and wellness that provide the platform to build on and develop Emotional and Spiritual Intelligence.
There is so much written on keeping fit, and eating and drinking sensibly and healthily that I would just encourage readers to choose and define their own practices, diet and exercise programme. You would need to consider what are the key ingredients for you and construct something that is relevant and challenging, but at the same time achievable for you. It does not need to be long. In fact I would suggest keeping it simple and to one page. However you need to accept the general deterioration of advancing years and be realistic about striving for levels of fitness that are commensurate with your age.
Our lives can be frittered away by detail. Simplify and simplify again. Rid yourself of the superfluous. Simplifying your activities does not mean sinking into laziness-on the contrary it means acquiring a growing freedom. Do not over clutter your life such that you are permanently busy and cannot savour anything or do anything properly without the need to rush it. Similarly declutter your life and home of material possessions that you do not particularly need or have time to do justice to. You have nothing to prove and no appearances to keep up.
Do not believe that you always have to be working, busy, or physically active. There is nothing wrong with sitting and reading or just thinking. Curtail the endless stream of pointless talk that continuously flows from our mouths-the illusion that we need to be talking all the time.
A practical technique that is very effective in managing your life is what I call ‘setting out your stall’. What this means is being up front and clear with those around you about what you want to do and what you do not want to do. Other people are not mind readers and you need to communicate your own wishes and particularly the exact nature and limits of the contribution you wish to make to any shared project, work, or other human activity. If you do not then you can end up involved in activities (both work and play) that you are not committed to. Generally people around you in your life will want to live in harmony with you and will fit in with your wishes and choices. If your wishes do not work for them, and they still want you to undertake different tasks, or make a greater or smaller contribution, or have different priorities they will tell you and this will be an invitation for you to consider their views. If you use this technique you will find it prevents resentment building in your relationships.