Not only the world IS as it IS, people ARE who they ARE. What do I mean by that?
Friends will not speak or act in accordance with preconceived notions of how you think they should. It probably isn’t personal. They are just different from you. People are the people that, for whatever reason - that they want to be, or think is right to be, or do not know of another way to be.
People blow hot and cold - that is what they do. They have their own lives to lead. They may be in a hurry, stressed, tired, depressed, or unable to cope or perhaps jealous and resentful. Accept that that is how people are. Accept that people are the way they are, and they behave in that way not to offend us, but simply because that is the way they feel and think. We cannot make other people behave in ways that we would like. The only person we have the power to change is ourselves. If we do not accept them as they are then we are saying that they should behave in a certain way according to criteria that we believe to be correct. In other words I am right and they are wrong.
Understand that people who are stressed will often believe that it is you and not they, who are stressed. However frustrating that may be, it is a fact.
We can sometimes be surprised by how similar we all are and how others, on occasions , think and act the same way as ourselves. But that should not be your expectation. Just because we are making an effort to behave with EI it is illogical to suddenly expect that those with whom we interact will also be behaving with EI. It is strange how our minds seem to make that jump when there is no basis for it.
Our starting position should be that at the EI level we are all islands and we should expect other people to think and act differently to us. When people behave differently that should not disappoint us-it should be our expectation. When they do behave the same as us or as we would wish them to then that is a bonus.
You can do a huge amount of damage through criticism and usually much more harm than good. And remember the damage is cumulative in a relationship. If you tell someone they are wrong you are very unlikely to make them want to agree with you because you have struck a direct blow against their intelligence, judgement, pride and self respect. Hurting their feelings will make them want to retaliate but never make them change their mind.
How then to deliver criticism ? For a start always make it clear that you yourself may be wrong ,show respect for someone else’s opinions and never tell them they are wrong. Remember encouragement of what is right is the safest and most powerful motivator. Never get emotionally aroused and it is a good aim to try to never argue with your partner . Criticism is a destroyer of a primary relationship.
Do not give your opinion without first thinking about how the other person will feel about what you are saying. Be clear in your own head what you are hoping to achieve and where you want to end up as the result of the conversation.
Within any organisation (business or club etc) people will often behave in a manner that optimizes their self interest. They may work hard to conceal their underlying motivation but it is there nevertheless. Organisational behaviour and politics are deep seated and complicated. There will always be base rivalry between contemporaries ,between departments etc. Most people are to varying degrees ambitious to acquire perceived status, power and / or money and as a result motivated to optimise their career progression but again are very skilful at concealing that. Many people are engaged in a struggle between on the one hand being a team player working for the common good, and on the other hand trying to optimise their own position and look good and standing out themselves. In any organisation although it may appear that groups of individuals are 'in the same boat' and have a common interest greater than themselves, in fact if you analyse it you will see that almost everybody has a slightly different orientation or frame of reference that can lead to people who should be 'alike' behaving in different ways. In any organisation of people there will always be background networks, alliances, friendships, and enemies which can be based on a huge number of parameters some of which will be apparent and some will not. For example people may unite with and support colleagues of the same gender, education (or lack of) , marital status, ethnic group, nationality etc There will always be those who support you and want you to succeed and those who do not for reasons that could be almost anything and often you will never know why. At its simplest level people may just have a fear of and resist any form of change .There will always be prejudice towards other groups who are perceived to be eg unfairly advantaged or more capable or less capable etc usually without any real foundation and thus the potential for demonstrating poor EI is almost without limit!
The important thing is to be yourself, and be true to yourself. In an organisation where the culture and values leave something to be desired then not following the culture may sometimes put you at a disadvantage in respect of your own 'advancement' .But it is necessary and fundamental that to be happy you must not follow or copy styles of behaviour that you know to be wrong. This is about understanding that we are the sum of what we have thought and we need to aspire to keep our thoughts ethical and good for as much of the time as possible. In organisations behavioural styles are very contagious and often roll down from the top through all the layers of the organisation. Although it takes courage when you stand out against a negative culture and do 'the right thing' you become a beacon of an alternative style and behaviour which is also there to be copied and followed . The knowledge that you are spreading positive energy where it would be all to easy to 'keep your head down' and just conform will without doubt enhance your feelings of happiness and inner peace.
In business, some people want to provide good and fair service , but sadly many people are simply driven by greed, want your money and basically are not to be trusted. That is how they are. Take heart; continue to try to be honest and remember that it is irrational to be depressed by people who do not behave in the same way.
Your success or otherwise with friendships and perceived popularity has nothing to do with you worth or adequacy as a person. Do not give house room to feelings of social ineptness, and poor interpersonal skills. You are who you are.
Exercise diversity in your appreciation of other people especially those from different races , cultures and age groups. Genuinely know and believe that people are fascinating and everybody has a story to tell, or has a talent, and may surprise you if do not approach chance meetings with bias, prejudice, and fixed preconceptions.
Day to day relationships are vital so maintain a sufficiently wide group of friendships and do not overly rely on any one of them. Absolutely do not put all your eggs in one basket since over reliance on a single friendship has a high risk of ending in tears. Watch out for this and avoid. This is a very important element of a happy life. You will never be happy if you spend your life obsessing about what a particular friend has said or not said or has done or not done. Maintaining a wide set of friends protects you from this source of anxiety. You should also always remember that when a friend does not say or do what you want , it probably has nothing to do with you, and there can be a thousand reasons most of which you could never know or guess.
Do not look for or expect perfect friendships. You get back from them what you get back from them. Life is as it is-not how you want it to be.
Put regular effort into relationships. They need a lot of maintenance.
People are who they are. Do not allow yourself to be hurt, or wounded when friends do not say or do in accordance with preconceived notions of what you think they should do. It probably isn’t personal. They are just different to you. Absolutely have no expectations from anyone. All pleasant, enjoyable and positive experiences with friends and family are a bonus and NOT an expectation or right. From time to time friends or family members will unexpectedly turn against you and find fault with you. Look for the message that may be contained as a learning opportunity. Is there something you are not giving? But always remember that the events and happenings side of life is not where your inner happiness comes from and therefore you should not be emotionally vulnerable to such outcomes.
Do not carry on with friendships which have run their course, and are worn out, and no longer mutually good or rewarding for you. Time is limited and you should periodically choose and review your friends. It is a waste to keep investing time and energy in the same friendship out of habit where you no longer get anything positive out of it.
When dealing with people remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
Regrettably, many people are threatened by or jealous of people who are more financially ‘successful’ than themselves however superficial, or deluded you understand this to be. Thus it will always be more difficult to attract and maintain friendships with many people as you become wealthier even though you know this to be absolutely irrelevant. However people who show themselves to be shallow in this way would be unlikely to be able to provide any valuable connection of depth.
There are some well documented and widely accepted techniques for encouraging people to like you eg:
Much of what is written under friends applies but particular points to your family relationships are:
You will often hear it said that blood is thicker than water meaning that the bonds of family are stronger than those with unrelated people e.g. friendships.
Families are never easy and everyone has their story to tell about the difficulties and frustrations and disappointments of their family relationships. But generally they are always worth investing in and persevering with because we are genetically programmed and have evolved to stick together and support each other within families. Family ties run very deep and it can take a life time to realise just how deep. As the years pass the relationships that are most likely to endure are those with close family members and when push comes to shove and the going gets rough the people who will be there for you and offer you unconditional love and support will be close family members. Within families it is often sadly the case that people do not like each other that much but they will nearly always love each other.
Much of what is written under friends and family applies but particular additional points to your primary relationships are:
At the EI level we are all islands however close you want and believe your emotional relationships to be. Everyone, even within couples, has their own agenda and their own individual frame of reference. Investing in your EI will have an impact on your most important partner relationship. Think of it as creating a bridge to your most important other and therefore enhancing the potential for a deeper relationship.
We should not take each other for granted and presume that our relationship is for life. A good marriage needs regular negotiation as our needs and circumstances change if it is to last.
The ‘and they lived happy ever after’ love story is a fantasy. In every primary relationship , however good, there is conflict. EI enables you to negotiate these conflicts. There are two individuals with two individual sets of feelings and behaviours. These parameters need constant adjustment and negotiation. But they also need honesty in that you must tell your partner what your needs are. People are not mind readers and if your partner does not always know your needs without you telling them it does not mean they love you any less. Above all successful primary relationships need regular maintenance. In our society today commonly people have unrealistic expectations of love and sex. As a result divorce rates have risen and half of all marriages end in divorce within seven years, and many of these are triggered merely by disappointment rather than irretrievable breakdown.
You must always continue to invest in your relationship and make quality time for each other. If your lives are very busy there is nothing wrong with planning this into your schedule. It is particularly important when children come along that a couple make regular time just for each other and even indulge in what is popularly referred to as ‘Date Nights’. It is remarkable how revitalising such time is to a stressed relationship.
How we feel comes from within. Feelings of love and joy that we feel when we are ‘in love’ exist in us already and the object of our love is the catalyst that awakens these feelings in ourselves. However we must not be reliant or completely dependent on others for our happiness. To be happy you must firstly love yourself, and secondly you must have some sort of interior life i.e. your own interests and hobbies and indeed other friends. I have seen this expressed as ‘we must have a relationship with ourselves before we can be in a true relationship with another.’ It is a heavy burden to make another human being feel responsible not simply for our happiness but for our very existence. Furthermore in the long run partners need to feel proud of and respect their mate, and for this to happen you must have more in your profile than simply loving them.
Sometimes I hear about people already in relationships, possibly even married, who cannot understand how it can be that they fall madly ‘in love’ and obsess about someone they hardly know. It could be for example someone they have met in a chat room on the internet. This is all the more confusing for people when they already have a partner or spouse and they wonder what to do. The explanation to this is further proof that the feeling of ‘being in love’ is already in you and is awakened or reawakened by the idea of the other person rather than the reality of the person. The other person , who you admit you hardly know, is a construct of your mind. This is what people sometimes refer to as ‘ being in love with being in love!’
It is a fact that it is likes that attract. A successful primary relationship is one based on similar values, attitudes , attractiveness , appetite for life, energy levels, sense of humour, morals, and often wealth or wealth potential and also the same weaknesses and hang ups, and insecurities. When a couple are together this may not always be apparent as couples tend to polarise as a check and balance on the others behaviour. As a common example both partners may enjoy and prefer a tidy clean home but if one partner becomes too obsessive about this in the opinion of the other ,the other is likely to back off and leave it to his partner as what they do will be more than enough. Were the first partner to back off, or discuss an agreed and shared approach and schedule then both partners would be seen to have an equal interest in the cleanliness of the home. True love is interpreted by many as meaning finding a soul mate –someone who matches our values, interests, and ambitions and will be a good parent but the reality is that it is also about learning how to accept some inevitable incompatibilities that form the bedrock of a lasting relationship.
You largely control the partner that you have by the way that you treat them. It is often true that you get the partner that you deserve-it is in your hands- as your partner will often take their lead from you. Think about being a good partner yourself rather than questioning whether your partner is one all the time. It is largely true that if you are loving, loyal, kind and considerate to them then you will receive this in return. Your primary relationship will largely be a mirror of your true self. Unconditional love for someone else is not however about what love you get back. When we feel love it is reflecting the love that is in ourselves and our spirit soars. The love that we feel does not come from the other person but is awakened in us.
Being with the right partner is about how you are when you are with them and what they awaken in you, and secondly and equally importantly whether you feel unconditional and unselfish love for them and their well being.
You must be trusting and not jealous and possessive as this negative emotion is a relationship destroyer. Possessive attachment is not true altruistic love because we are primarily focussed on self love through the love we claim to have for another. Altruistic love is the sharing of life with our partner and contributing to their happiness. We are concerned for their happiness and instead of wanting to possess them we feel responsible for their wellbeing. Instead of anxiously awaiting some gratification from them we can receive reciprocal love joyfully. Similarly being needy and emotionally vulnerable is not altruistic unconditional love.
It is fundamental that you have to relish your partner and encourage them to be themselves. It is by allowing them to be free and to follow their ambitions and explore their talents that you possess them. You must recognise your partner’s individuality and give them space. Your partner should feel that you are totally on their side and similarly you should feel that more than any other person your partner is totally on your side. This can be termed ‘supportiveness’ and it is one of the most crucial factors to a successful primary relationship. The most successful couples retain a profound sense of their own autonomy. Good relationships cannot flourish on the romantic myth that merged souls are essential. There have to be spaces between the togetherness so you can come together. You have to learn how to give each other space and stop making them account for everything. Furthermore eroticism requires a respectful distance. The more fused we feel with our partner, the more likely we are to find sex dull or repetitive
It is possible to fall in love ‘at first sight’ when you meet someone and others more qualified than me have attempted to explain how this can occur but it seems likely that intuition would play a big part. In the early stages of a relationship people may be attracted by the novelty and freshness of the new partner, perhaps their personality and of course by passion and physical attraction. But often you do not really know the object of your love. Real love is different and comes when you know and can see the other person clearly in their individuality and from this distance does true closeness come. Real love is an open eyed recognition of separateness, but of separateness connected. It is about two people who make a positive commitment, and free choice to make that connection.
The person that you believe your partner to be is a projection of your mind. It is likely that you glorify and idealise your partner but in practice they have faults and have traits that are not always nice just like you. Similarly they will have secrets and thoughts that they will not wish to share with you just like you. So be realistic with regards to your expectations of your partner. When you argue and your partner is not as you wish them to be take the wider view and continue to assess overall whether you are suited. It is likely that you are far more alike than different.
Try not to be vulnerable. For example when your partner prefers to follow their own agenda e.g. see their own friends , rather than spend time with you then rise above it, accept it and do your own thing in a positive frame of mind. When you want to do something with your partner, perhaps even just to talk to them, they may prefer to just read or sleep and if they do accept it. The space created will usually open up some other option or possibility. If the one you love wants more time apart and personal space then respect that, and accept it. It does not mean that they do not love you as much –they are just different to you.
The main destroyers of a primary relationship are defensiveness (inability to accept feedback and criticism due to ego), criticising your partner, and stonewalling (giving your partner nowhere to go with dissatisfactions and concerns about your relationship). You absolutely must not allow a ‘soup of discontent’ to build up. Good communication and honesty are vital. Honesty about our ambitions, desires, and how we would like to be loved is crucial. Too often we expect our partner to have the same attitude to life or to know by osmosis why we are upset. Intimacy is about reaching out and showing our vulnerability. Argument can be healthy and not necessarily the sign of a relationship in trouble if you carefully say what you really feel and really listen to your partner.
It is a fact that most men will not be happy to go without sex for excessive periods an