PART VI
SCENARIOS FROM REAL LIFE
Scenarios depict actual experiences; the names are fictitious to protect the identities. As mentioned under the Inspiration section, many people get motivated and inspired by listening to the journeys of others. It is hoped that one of these stories and their resulting discoveries will assist you in your journey.
Some of these individuals have just started on their journey but I felt that was significant too to demonstrate their struggles to change and the importance of finding others on this same journey.
The impact of internalized oppression. Cynthia Michelle was born in the late 40’s and came to maturity in the 60’s in an impoverished African American community in the Deep South. Her immediate family was poor and many did not finish high school because of poverty. She grew up in an environment with no African American professionals or Black History courses that taught her the strengths of her race.
Michelle did not receive any information or encouragement about what she would do beyond high school. In fact, her getting out of high school without being pregnant satisfied her mother’s dreams and her mother was very proud of her. After that, she was on her own.
One day, when she was in the 7th or 8th grade, she announced to her Speech teacher that she wanted to be a Journalist. This respected teacher told her that her dreams were unrealistic because there were not any African American Journalists. Because of her age and her respect for her elders, Cynthia never spoke of this dream again. She did not give up on writing; however, she continued to write poetry and short stories that she never shared with anyone because she did not think they were any good. That one bit of advice from the teacher shut this young girl down for many years, but not forever.
Later in high school, her English teacher told her that she was very expressive, had a very vivid imagination and would do well in college. That planted another seed in her head, so her new goal was to go to college, but to do what, she did not know. Because of her poverty, lack of information and resources, and relying on her peers, she did not know how to even go about going to college. The high school Counselor never counseled her about her future or even acknowledged that she even had a future. Most of the information was given to children of Preachers and Teachers because they were products of the respected families in this rural community. Since Cynthia was poor, her life chances did not ensure her a bright and prosperous future due to her mother’s educational completion of the eighth grade. Cynthia’s reference group and her mother thought she should find a good man, get married and have children. This did not feel right to her and she wanted more. She dreamed of having beautiful clothes, a beautiful home, but her mother and her extended family thought she was a dreamer. Eventually, she finished high school and relocated to Texas. After a series of minimum wage and dead end jobs, she landed a job where her boss recognized her intelligence and encouraged her to go to college. Her mentor helped her complete college applications, financial aid applications and actually took her under her wing.
Cynthia was very cynical, disbelieving and no matter how much she was told about her natural abilities, she did not believe it. However, she did not hear about her potential when she was very young and she did not even know that she had them. In the new environment, she blossomed and new opportunities opened up for her. She still did not know how to make things happen and no one really ever took the time to mentor her. She often felt guilty because she felt she was not using what natural gifts God gave her. Fear was her biggest reason for not getting the things she wanted out of life.
This one special woman looked beyond her naivety and saw her potential greatness. Soon Cynthia started to emulate her mentor’s style of speech and did not want to leave her present job. This was the first time she learned that she did have skills. Her mentor did not let her settle for this job and encouraged her to quit her job and go to college.
Two colleges accepted Cynthia and she attended the one in her town. The first day she went on campus she felt like an ant in a high ivory tower. In the first assembly, she looked at the other students and felt that, surely, they belonged there and, surely, she did not.
Cynthia survived that dreadful first day and started her classes. In her classes, she felt so inconsequential that when the teacher asked questions, even though she knew the answers, she would not speak up because she knew she would probably be wrong and she feared being wrong and ridiculed. Her only redeeming feature was her ability to write and express herself on paper, so she did well on essay tests. Even though she made good grades, she never thought she deserved them and would often become depressed when she got her papers back with an “A.”
One day a male instructor asked her to remain after class. He told her that she was pretty but she needed to dress to accentuate her features. He advised her to start wearing shorter dresses, learn how to wear her hair differently, come to the front of the classroom, stop hiding in the back behind other students and to speak up.
Even though she did not trust his motives, she did as he suggested. She bought a stylish wig, went to Sears and purchased some up to date clothing. She wore one outfit timidly on campus the following day. That day when she walked across campus, a group of young men whistled at her. She looked around to see if some other girl walked behind her. To her surprise, they were looking and gawking at her. This happened more than once. Slowly her self-confidence started to rise and for the very first time in her short life, she felt beautiful.
The outlets Cynthia had were reading, playing with farm animals, and writing short stories. There were no other children who lived close to her, therefore, she had to find her own type of entertainment. She loved reading but her reading choices were the true confession magazines, etc. When her family finally purchased a second hand television, it became her other outlet. In the early fifties, there were not many programs on the air and the only images that she saw of blacks were negative and stereotypical such as Amos and Andy, the black person on The Jack Benny Show and the image of Aunt Jemima on the flour sacks.
College opened up a new reality for her and she met different types of people. It was a long time before she could really feel that she belonged in college environment because of the feedback she had received from her peers, family, the social milieu that she grew up in and the internalization of these negative oppressions. It would take years to deprogram these embedded thoughts. However, when she read the ideas of philosophers, theologians, social scientists and social workers, she was amazed to find that these educated people voiced some of her ideas. That gave her a strong sense of empowerment to know that she was not weird as some of her peers and family thought. She had a mind and something to say. It would take a little while longer for her to be able to vocalize this.
What forces do you see in this short story? It demonstrated most of what we have been talking about up to this point. Because there was no nurturing and support provided, no encouragement to her dreams; she delayed them into well into her life. She had no knowledge of the accomplishments of African Americans before her because her high school did not teach Black History. All that she heard about being black was negative. This was re-enforced by the myths and stereotypes from her race and as well as whites. She did not personally know anyone who had made it, so she had to keep bumping her head until she finally found her way out of the shackles of poverty, racism, economic deprivation, and sexism. This came to her through education.
The wider community perceived black women during this time as inferior but strong and nurturing to white children. These were not the roles that she wanted to claim but she didn’t know how to break out of the cocoon. She continued to dream but her dreams were laughed at because she was the child of a poor uneducated single parent. All of these negatives became her master status that followed her throughout her life. No matter how she tried to move beyond it, it would raise its ugly head repeatedly.
These dynamics are not unique to just Black women. Society determines the social status of women in each culture and when courageous women dare to step out side of their roles, it is done at great personal and social risks. What are the risks? If you are the type of person who values being accepted and being a part of a bigger group, then going against the norms will put you at odds with the group and you might face ridicule and exclusion from the group. There will come a time when you might have to go it alone until you find your new niche. This is a process and it will not come over night. Many people end up abandoning their plans to please loved ones and reference groups.
The self-esteem proponents and some religious leaders make it appear so easy; many try to make you believe that all you have to do is believe it and you will achieve it. It is imperative that you believe and amass information, but it is equally important for you to understand that the road to change is difficult. That’s why so many people don’t take it on.
It is important that you work especially hard at building your self- esteem and self-concept. You have to believe in yourself to be able to stand strong and true to your dreams. Every one of us is connected to each other and together we form a group . . . a society. When you change, things around you change. So, if you are married or in a relationship, it is important to share this journey with them; they may not like it, but they don’t have to like it, just accept it.
Cynthia eventually made a decision to just back off from high school acquaintances and friends that she made before she started on her journey and even some extended family members. When she came home from college, often her uneducated family and high school friends avoided her. She moved to another level in her journey and she quickly discovered that she did not belong in her previous reality. When she went around her family, she talked about what they wanted to talk about, and never interjected any of her opinions or experiences. Often they talked to her as if she did not know anything. If she spoke the same language as them, she was admonished for not speaking any better for a college student. If she used proper English, she was admonished for being a know it all. She just did not seem to fit in anywhere.
When this happens, it is time to stop and take a personal inventory of yourself. Look at the challenge, dissect it, and think of all of the ways this could have happened. If you are honest with yourself, most times you can trace it back to a decision that you made recently or far in the back. Every act or decision has consequences.
Cynthia did not trust herself enough to assert her newfound reality and she still relied too heavily on the approval of others to demand her new respect. People will believe of you what you tell them or what you lead them to believe. Cynthia made no effort to share her journey with others, and they did not see the change in her. Instead, she went around for years living two different realities often feeling hurt because no one really knew the real her.
Cynthia completed college and eventually entered into professional employment, but continued to flounder around for years in and out of jobs, relationships and two marriages. The self-confidence she garnered in her early years did not follow her through out the years. She did not continue her journey on a committed basis, so she made bad decisions that led to unhealthy places and dead ends. After not finding the peace and contentment she sought, she decided to embark upon a new journey and that journey took her to new heights and exposed her to new people. What she found on this journey was exciting in some ways, fearful in others, but ultimately, she found that many of the decisions that she made was because of her lack of information and this made her angry with herself. Nonetheless, she continued on her path and eventually she learned how to find peace during the challenges in her life. The Journey continues. .
After reading the foregoing scenario, think about the questions below.
1. Did Cynthia give her family and friends the chance to know her when she hid behind the comfort zones of an earlier reality?
2. Do you think that Cynthia’s bad decisions caused her to have difficulties in her life? Was it her fault that she could not make the right decisions to lead to her success initially?
3. Can you identify forces in her background that influenced her future, after reading the first part of this book?
4. Can you personally identify with aspects of this scenario?
Making Decisions for the Wrong Reasons. Marjorie married a man that she felt in her heart was not up to her level, but she wanted to be in a relationship. She needed a male figure for her son and she wanted to relocate. This man served as a way out for her. She thought that since she was a nice person, it would be all right. He turned out to be a liar, a manipulator, misappropriated some of her money and was not even that good of a role model for her son.
Marjorie spent many Sundays in Church praying for him and bemoaning her ultimate betrayal. Eventually they divorced and she did not leave the marriage with the same credit standing because he ran her credit cards up, hid the statements and before she found out about it, they were already talking about reporting to the credit bureau.
Looking deeper into this scenario, who do you think was at fault? Ultimately, Marjorie’s husband needed to be responsible for his own behavior but Marjorie’s decision to marry him for the wrong reasons and to trust him played into her disappointment. He did not hold a gun to her head and he did not promise that he was a saint. Once when they were deep in argument, he broke down and cried saying, “Why did you marry me anyway?” This stumped her and then she knew that, ultimately, he did not change. She did not allow herself to see what was right there before her eyes, and she did not follow her own instincts because the signals were there.
Marjorie thought that her kindness, her display of trust and professions of love would transform him. He did not want to transform because he did not think anything was wrong with him. He thought she should change because that is what a woman is supposed to do, right? They both were wrong because they did not stop to analyze their motives. He wanted an educated and professional woman. She had her wants but what they both wanted was not compatible and they were not honest with each other in the beginning.
Marjorie was so confident until this did not bother her for the short time she had to spend with him. She did not suffer emotionally but she did financially because he did not handle money well. In fact, on paydays he could not make it home with his entire paycheck. Marjorie did not want to be the type of woman who met her husband at his job demanding the paycheck. What would you do?
Men and women march to a different drummer and this means that men are encouraged to march to their own tunes while women are socialized to support them in the background. What happens when women decide to cut back on this support to pursue their own dreams; an imbalance occurs and this causes chaos in relationships.
Holding On To a Pipe Dream. Betty, 35 years old, worked for over 10 years to support her husband’s budding career. While she stood behind him, she started to feel unfulfilled. Even though she was very kind to her husband, and did all the things women do to make a home run smoothly: she held down a full time job, raised the children and made sure the house was quiet and in order when he came home. Her husband treated her with the utmost disrespect but she still hung in there. Throughout his mistreatments, his many affairs, Betty felt that if she loved him more he would see how invaluable she was and he would change. Betty decided to find her own destiny and slowly she started to change. This did not sit well with her husband, their relationship further deteriorated and they eventually divorced.
At first, she was devastated and fearful because she was not sure if she could do this by herself. For two years, she blossomed and her self-esteem and confidence rose to incredible heights, but deep in her heart she wanted to keep her family in tact.
Her family thought that she was crazy for leaving a man with such a good job. She had material things but deep in her heart she longed for her family to be back intact because this is what she learned from her parents when she was growing up. In fact, her family still encourages her to try to bring her family back together. Therefore, when her husband started to wine and dine her, it did not take much for him to persuade her to give him another chance.
Betty did not tell her family about his physical and emotional violence. They only saw the picture that they both painted. Soon, Betty started to think that maybe it was not so bad after all so they remarried about one year later. It did not take long before he started the womanizing, verbal abuse, and intimidation; this time she was not that afraid of him because she got him in trouble during their first marriage. Therefore, he knew he could not get away with the physical abuse but he continued the verbal abuse.
Betty found and attended a Women’s Support Group that encouraged her to set goals, make an action plan and work the plan. She dropped out of the group for a month but when she came back to the group, she proudly announced that she is on the spiritual journey that the group leader spoke so much about. She said that until the group confronted her with the truth, she never looked inside herself; she always contributed all the blame on her husband.
Betty still faces challenges, but the greatest challenge exists within her. It is very difficult for her to identify her wants because she never had to think about them. She has challenges in problem solving because that, too, wasn’t anything she ever learned to do. When challenges presented themselves, she just let them pass. Betty often presents herself as the happy, helpful person; but is finding it very difficult to maintain this image while traveling her path. So, the journey continues.