PART II
MY INSPIRATION
WHERE IS MY MUSE?
I am traveling on the lonely road alone and
I don’t even know where I am going or who
I will meet along the way.
I come to the fork in the road and I can’t decide which
Path to take. What I wouldn’t give for someone
To walk this road with me.
Where is my muse, the one person who can
Take me by the hand and lead me to great heights?
This journey is getting too hard, maybe I would be better
off If I just went back to the beginning, at least there I will meet
People that I know. Maybe that life wasn’t so bad, after all.
But, I have come too far to turn back now,
But it is still good to know
Where is my muse?
© Dr. Pearlie M. Jones
Inspirations can be found through many avenues; sometimes it comes by listening to the testimonies of others who have overcome extreme challenges. Most important people often attribute some of their successes to people who have gone before. These people are not necessarily family but people who have done important things in their genre.
Encouragement and inspiration are available in books, television interviews of people overcoming incredible odds, classes taken, chosen activities and actively building a positive and nurturing support group. Your family is often a good place to start. Where did they come from in life? They may not be, in the eyes of society, as successful but they may have survived incredible odds. Just think of the knowledge, skills and abilities it must have taken to make it despite the odds. No one has to exist in a perpetual state of hopelessness and despair. However, to do this, make concerted efforts to gain information and use it to transform your life. From the Goals worksheet, select the goals that are important to you and make a plan. The first place to begin is to begin with yourself by believing that you can achieve your goals.
There cannot be enough emphasize on what individuals believe. They internalize and act upon the beliefs and the beliefs manifest themselves into action. Each person has the ability to impact society in a very small and a very large way. If you present yourself, as you want others to believe you to be and if you work hard at becoming that person, you will begin to see this reflected in the way others perceive you. This does not come easy but with practice you can do it. Associating with only positive people, reading positive literature, spiritual and personal development books, the Bible, and anything that you can get your hands on that will help in the improvement of your mind and your thinking will make this possible. Like any other goal, you must believe that you can believe in yourself, and you have to make others believe in you.
While the man and woman travel down life’s highway trying to seek answers, they may experience and do many hideous things to those they meet along the way, but many wonderful things will happen also. Each new experience strengthens and adds to their power as human beings; all we have to do is learn how to view each obstacle as a means to strengthen and provide tools to reach higher levels of reality.
Domestic Violence. The different role expectations sometimes lead to domestic violence. This section is not an attempt to justify the violence in any way because there are some mean and violent people and many theories are in place as possible explanations. The attempt here is to provide information on the effect of domestic violence on the psychological make up of the victim.
The Empowerment Section proves more information on domestic violence and it is important to include the relationship between the different role expectations in this discussion.
Men and women sometimes join bringing their own ideas of what they are supposed to be but are unsure. This can and often does cause disaster. The following poem speaks to domestic violence, rape, incest and verbal abuse at the hands of men in a woman’s life. Anger is a constant companion and hope is undeniably the answer but anger pushes hope aside.
WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT?
I have been told as long as I can remember that
I am supposed to be submissive to the man.
I struggle to live according to my socialization,
but what rights do you have to violate my
inner parts with your desires so uncontrolled,
your dreams and visions so unfocused?
Do your rights allow you all forms of abuses?
When you are socialized to protect me?
What rights do you have to lead me when
you don‘t know where you are going?
What gives you the right to think that
the world is your domain?
And where does it tell you that my body is
a part of this acquisition?
Does this entitle you to verbally and physically abuse
me while I am still to believe that you love me?
© Dr. Pearlie M. Jones, Summer 99, Dallas, TX
Unfortunately, this poem echoes the sentiments of far too many women in our society. Fortunately, there are many who have never and may never experience abuse and oppression. However, this book is for those of you who have or know someone who has. What type of family life do you think a union of this reality would create?
I grew up hearing elders say, “Don’t do as I do, do as I say.” As a parent, this is a very powerful statement and perhaps the best advice you could give at a given situation, but looking farther down the line, you may have youth who express the following sentiment:
VOICE OF YOUTH
I have been taught to be obedient, respectful and submissive
e to my parents. I struggle hard every day to live according
to these socializations, but what rights do you have as adults
and the ones to lead me, to violate my trust, my childhood
with your desires and dreams so uncontrolled and so unfocused.
How can you protect me when I see you as the perpetrators?
They turn to their mothers seeking the answers, but meet only the mask that she has worn all of her life as she, too, asks the significant men in her life…
Do your rights mean that the only rights I have left are
to feel the pains that you have left in the place of my pride?
What gives you the right my brother, my father,
my lover, my friend, what gives you the right?
© Dr. Pearlie M. Jones, Summer 04, Jacksonville, NC
No doubt, those who share these sentiments are filled with anger, resentment and hostility. It is very difficult to lead anyone else to a place of peace and tranquility when your own head is a battleground for the demons from your childhood, your environment and the resulting realities you have created by the imbalances and injustices in your own life.
Women and Anger. Many of you may not have suffered abuse, but what about the feeling of abandonment or rejection? Because of the confusion and transitions that are taking place within our present-day families, many people emerge from families with feelings of rage due to abandonment issues. One can feel abandoned by a parent, friend or lover and still live in the same house or vicinity to them. There is physical and emotional abandonment and they both wreck emotional havoc in our lives.
The following poem represents how I felt because of my father who was not a father to me in any sense of the word. When I finally confronted him at around twenty-one years of age, he blamed his absence on my mother. Luckily my mother was a strong and visible force in my life and I did not focus my rage on her.
For many years, rage was my constant companion until I finally decided to part ways with it.
THE RAGE OF SILENCE
In silence, I watched my father race by my mother
and me as if we were nothing. With my heart in
my throat, volts of light were shooting from my
tear-swelled eyes that scorched my nose and lips as I
watched my father move down the road without ever
looking back until he finally disappeared.
I faced abandonment IN SILENCE
I served my mother for thirty unchallenged years
to the best of my ability. Though no matter how much
I gave; it never seemed to be enough to keep her from
choosing men over me. And like a good daughter,
I shrouded my emotions in silence
I suffered with my feelings of rejection IN SILENCE
I cried out to the dark until the river of my soul ran
thy and my body ached while the words of my perfect,
beautiful, educated husband rang out like thunder through
my being, (I never loved you) and every day as
my soul mate proved his words to be true, I let a little
more of my hopes, dreams and youth pass into a dark abyss
of self-pity with my sanity and self-esteem seemingly
trapped in a state of irretrievable silence.
© Kenton Jones, 1998, Dallas, TX
If you have a similar reality, anger will be one of your truest and closest friends. If you have been on your journey for any length of time, anger will be there through your adulthood, helping decide whom you will marry, what types of jobs you will take, and will form a large portion of your reality base. This friend may be so carefully concealed until no one ever notices. Anger will be there when you raise your children and, if you are not careful, anger will pass onto your children and your children’s children. The cycle of violence can be disrupted with information and a strong support group.
We see evidence of anger when our children are out of control and we hang our heads in shame, muttering to ourselves “Kids aren’t the way they used to be. The family is falling apart. Boy! Those women need to stop working, stay at home and raise those children.” Or equally we hear, “Fathers need to take more time with their children.” How many times have you heard someone say, “The government needs to do something?” What do you think?
Poorly managed anger is at the root of many serious physical, social and emotional problems; from heart disease to neighborhood violence. It is important that we empower ourselves, understand our own and others' feelings and resolve conflict in a non-violent manner.
Recognize when you are feeling angry. What makes you angry? When is anger used as a cover-up for other emotions ... fear, stress, shame, fatigue, embarrassment?
Empathize. Try to see things from the other person's point of view. What are that person's feelings? Can you remember having a similar feeling? Learn to use "I" messages to express your feelings. ("I feel angry when ... I don't like it when ... I am hurt that...").
Think. Often our anger comes from how we look at things. Some experts say that our thoughts actually create our angry feelings, and no one can make us angry. How we think about a situation, how we interpret what someone says and how we handle our frustrations and disappointments are what stirs up our anger.
Hear what the other person is saying, where the other person is coming from. Check to see if you understand correctly. "I'm trying to understand what you are saying. You say..." Look into the other person's eyes to show that you are listening. This kind of active hearing works both when you are the angry person and when someone is angry with you. When people are hurt they want to be heard. Give feedback that you are hearing them.
Integrate respect and love with what you say about your anger. Sometimes people need to speak out their anger for a while, even if it seems disrespectful. Then they can learn and practice more respectful and caring ways to express the anger. Words, after all, are safer than actions!
Notice your body's reaction as you get angry: increased heart rate, breathing harder and faster, headaches, stomach pains, tension in the neck, and pains in the chest. Learn to bring yourself under control and notice how you calm yourself. What works for you? Long walks, jogging, thinking about other ways to look at the situation, meditation, listening to music, doing artwork, or telling yourself "I'm OK."
Keep your attention on the present event and alternative solutions. Do not bring up old grudges and wounds. Keep your focus on the behavior that is causing the difficulty. Keep personalities out of it.