PART III
GETTING PAST THE PAIN
I consider myself a seasoned woman and have been told all my life, including now, that I am destined for greatness. I am strong, talented and have my whole future ahead of me. For a very long time, I could not understand how anyone could see that greatness in me when I could only see pain in the essence of my being. While searching for my inner peace, I couldn’t take the time to look inside because when I did; I could only see darkness, sadness, and disappointments forged by the poverty, discrimination and my struggle to make it in a convoluted world. For many years, anger was my shield from the pain and frustrations created by the negative energies encountered in my travels. Anger, my shield, my partner, was there for me as I started my journey as a very young woman. Anger was there for my fore parents because of oppressive and abusive environments that they lived and struggled to survive in. The strength of their anger drove my fore parents. Hand in hand, anger led me through life’s treacherous bends and curves and shielded me from the pains of my life. There came a time, several years ago, when I grew tired of my life mates and longed for something more. I had a vision of a better emotional life but I just did not know how to grasp it. I turned inward and listened to the quiet spirit.
HOPE ETERNAL
In my spirit Hope silently whispered to me,
you are right; you deserve more than to live
your life through the eyes of Anger!
I see the light in your eyes that signal to me that
you are ready for me.
Come with me; allow the light into your life.
Learn how to look inside yourself and when
you do, you will find me there.
In the stillness of my spirit God said,
I am the you that you forgot the moment you were born.
I am the you that your parents, society, teachers,
and peer groups have taken so much trouble to make you forget.
I am He who has always been with you,
just turn to Me listen to your heart.
© Dr. P. Jones, Summer 04
Jacksonville, NC
I found that it was possible to rise above the pain to find inner peace. I look back on the experiences now and realize that I was on a spiritual journey. At the apex of that journey, I found God and it was at that point when I emerged. I emerged a truly healthy and empowered human being. As I continued my journey, weathering all manner of storms, thunderstorms and hurricanes, there came a point in my life when I realized that these have only been challenges placed in my path to help me see my strengths. What a wonderful experience for me to look back over my journey and realize what I had become.
Becoming Aware. The following poem is a very powerful and meaningful piece written by my son about 13 years ago. I often told him of the struggles that I had to endure coming from an impoverished background in Arkansas, raised by my mother in the Deep South. Often, I have found, in speaking to some youth about past struggles, they sometimes find it boring. Consequently, it moved me when my son approached me with this poem as his interpretation of my life. It also alludes to the very point when I started to see my life in retrospect and realized that I have become:
STRONG AND MAJESTIC
From the backwoods of poverty with a narrow view of life,
I embraced the world with a virgin spirit.
Unaware of the darkness or indifference, my light,
though bruised and battered, reached out yet again.
Aflame with hopes and dreams fort by tradition,
I felt my sanity slipping into the abyss of darkness
and ignorance, and all its mates disguised as security.
There was an absence, a void.
Drawing upon the primal forces of love and light,
I concentrated my very soul into a spark.
That spark, weak and sick from separation, struggled
and found its way back. The soul now complete,
struggles for a still unfamiliar plane -freedom. Through
many ugly and hostile planes of existence, the duality
of my soul depended on “God.”
It WAS MY masculine strength and sense of justice
that protected you. It was the sisterhood founded in
the she-part of the Creator that nourished your spirit
and the creativity that flows with your life from the cup
of your femininity. And now, knowledgeable of the world,
yet isolated, separate, but in touch; an innocent in a
complicated world, destiny has washed over my body like the tide,
warm and wonderful, and it has revealed only but a glimpse
of infinite possibilities. Refreshed and cleansed, l am a
bust with passion and, once again, I have miraculously
given birth to a revelation. With pride, I rise victoriously to
new and untold challenges. Like a phoenix, beautiful
and blinding, I soar, on fire with passion;
for the woman is mystical, sentient, sensuous,
powerful and intelligent. I am a mother, lover, sister,
leader, healer, a fierce combatant and a loyal friend.
The wisdom of the ages, as well as the hopes of the future
rest within my Birth loins under control, awaiting the nourishment
of my bosom. I am woman, and like an unknown deity, I have
always been here. I am aware of the past, am in touch with
the present, and I will mother the future
I AM WOMAN.
I can fly, but if I should fall, don’t ‘tear me, Help me.
For all my encompassing spirit will rise again,
In innocence, in excellence and in strength.
Written by Kenton Jones,
I traveled life’s highways consumed with RAGE for years because I felt this strong sense of abandonment when my father neglected me; consequently, I allowed other people into my life that would abandon me in other ways. I allowed myself to believe that I really was not worth it anyway. I found plenty of people, both men and women, who shared this sentiment with me. My beliefs created my reality and I made choices and decisions based on these false realities. I faced all of these challenges on my journey, but now...
STRONG AND MAJESTIC, cont’d
I awake to a new day amidst the stormy seas, navigating my way
through treacherous waves and reefs that men dare not
sail alone; isolated because I captain my own ship.
Because I dared to survive to live to dream again.
Because my father was not a father to me.
Because my mother, at the interference of men, allowed
me to call upon strength untold and I moved beyond her.
Because my lovers wanted to run, free like stallions,
dragging my love, my life, in addition, my child in the wake
of their trampled and withered wild oats.
Because I have survived the misogynist, homophobic
and self-hatred my brother has for his mother and
the creative, nurturing part of his soul that she was so
careful to cultivate. Because I used those dark seeds, that
gift of his anger and pain and all that man could throw
at me to find my way back.
No longer in silence, but in RAGE, my soul cries out WHY!
And as my eyes look toward the sky and revel in the
warmth of the morning Sun, I realize what I have become and
Why Do You Fear Me?
Written by Kenton Jones,
Excerpt from “The Rage of Silence,” the Play,
Summer 90, Dallas, TX
When you can look at life and those around you in the face and ask these powerful questions mentioned in the previous poem, you are starting to wake up! Life’s challenges can sometimes render one powerless and when it does, it is hard to imagine anyone feeling fearful or intimidated by you. It is not you, per se; it is the power that resides within every one of us. Some people can see this and some even try to keep you from becoming aware of your own personal power. In fact, you may not even be aware that anyone is noticing you. Look around you, you will suddenly realize that you have been living in the shadows all of your life. When you realize this, you know it is time to peep your head outside of the spiritual cave and fortress you have been in all of your life and start on your journey to self-discovery and personal and spiritual empowerment.
COMING OUT OF THE SHADOWS
I spent a lifetime lurking in the shadows in a world created
by racism, sexism, poverty, and the internalization of
these oppressions. Nurtured only by my fears and
insecurities, I built a fortress within the darkness.
In this dark world, pain was a constant companion.
Anger has been my constant companion and has
been with me through the ages.
Anger helped me build this fortress and was my
only and best friend in this dark world.
It was akin to two souls BOUND by my dark realities.
I wore self-confidence as a shield to prevent others
who share this world with me from knowing who
I really was. I learned to speak the language of happiness,
peace and contentment. But these words did not reflect
what I felt inside. But one day, I ventured beyond the
edges of darkness and beheld the light of truth.
This truth came to me through information, and thence
I started my journey into lightness. My sojourn into the
light was blinding. I retreated into the comfort of the shadows.
No longer satisfied with the limitations of this darkness,
I tucked my fears and insecurities deep within my soul
and ventured into the light once more.
Once into a world of bright sunshine, I found hope.
© Dr. Pearlie M. Jones, Summer 04, Jacksonville, NC
In your spirit, you know that you did not find Hope. Hope has always been there in the recesses of your mind, heart and soul. You were too blinded by your anger and its mates to see. All you had to do was open up your eyes to see beyond the shadows to find the goodness that waited for you. Reach out your arms and heart, take the hands of hope and allow yourself to be lead to a place of peace and serenity.
Live for the day when you can honestly say,
I found myself! No longer can fear, pain and shame keep
me bound to a world of darkness and I celebrate the day
I rushed into the light exclaiming at the top of my voice,
from the depths of my soul,
WATCH OUT WORLD, I HAVE COME OUT OF THE SHADOWS!”
© Dr. Pearlie M. Jones
Coming out of the shadows is a triumph; but once you enter the bright world of sunshine, will you be able to go forth and claim the promises of God? Is there something that still keeps you bound to that dark world that you fought so hard to escape? Once the excitement of the escape eludes you, you may still find yourself with the harsh realities of not knowing what you have inside of you.
People tell you that you are special, that you have a lot going for yourself and you want to believe it but you just do not see it yet. Therefore, you look inside yourself and ask:
IS IT ME?
I can’t get beyond the fog to a place where there are no
more unseen strings that keep me from achieving my highest.
I reach, but I cannot seem to touch.
I look but I can’t seem to focus.
When I try to push beyond my present reality,
there is something that I can’t see and touch that tells
me endlessly that now is all that I will ever be. Is it me?
What is it that tells me that I can do what I don’t know how to do?
Where do I get these notions that I am majestic,
strong and resourceful?
Who plants these seeds of greatness in me, and
stays just beyond my consciousness,
Silently leading me beyond the fog? Is it me?
God resonates in your spirit, I am the voice that
speaks to you in the stillness of the night.
I am the watcher while you sleep and your guide
as you go stumbling through life trying to find
your path; I AM the planter of these seeds of
greatness in you. Look into your heart and find me there.
You still ponder, What dark forces reside within me
that keep me from thinking, feeling, And making the right moves
so that I can claim the promises of God?
Sadly you realize, IT IS ME!
Pearlie Jones © Jacksonville, NC
Excerpt from the Performance, Peace in the Midst of the Storm
Now that you are coming into your own, you are aware of your greatness and you have become fully aware that you have taken on awesome responsibilities. Some were given to you based on your gender and others you took on yourself trying to find love and acceptance. Now, you are no longer satisfied with trying to hold up the whole sky by yourself and you ask for support. While suffering from low self-esteem and all of the other emotional consequences of being in partnership with anger, you were too afraid to ask, “What about me?” You didn’t want to appear too selfish, so you went forth trying to hold up the whole sky; when you were actually expected to hold up just your part but because of your socialization you took on the whole sky while resting on a rocky foundation. You are well on your way to spiritual wellness when you can look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you need support and then be able take this request beyond yourself. Youth are asking the same question...
WHO’S WATCHING MY BACK?
I rise each day to new and unfolding challenges ready
to go forth into this world being strong, invincible
and in control of my world and all it encompasses.
Centuries and more it seems, I have been charged with the
responsibility to keep the family and community together.
This has been pounded into my head as part of my truth
and reality as a woman. As a man, I’ve been told that I am
supposed to protect, take care of the home and maintain control
of my family. I have to be responsible for the religious values of
my family and teach my sons how to be men, but someone forgot to
tell me how this works. I stumble through life everyday pretending
to have all of the answers when silently I am wondering...
Who’s watching my back?
As a young person, I am told to go out to be a lady but
they forgot to tell me what this entirely means.
I look to the TV and all I see is meaningless sex and violence.
I listen to the pop music and I hear women degraded.
I hear violence and I look to my community and I see apathy.
I then go back to my family and I get confusion.
I feel that I am standing alone, Who’s watching my back?
I’m strong, I’m told and I mother the earth, I’m told.
I look around me and wonder where the father of this earth is?
I look to my sisters and brothers And I cry out in lonely
desperation...Who’s watching my back?
I’m trying to watch your back as I’ve been told that
this is my duty as a man. But where do I get to get the
strength to shoulder your pain and mine too?
I feel your pain but right now, I want to know...
Who’s watching my back?
I believe that I have it made over the man.
I play my role well as the protector, caretaker and nurturer.
I listen to the rhetoric of my dear, sweet brothers
And fashioned myself into a collage of what I have
heard that they want. But, when I look around me,
the decent qualities that they said that they
wanted are not in demand. .I still stand alone and I wonder to
myself...Who’s watching my back?
Now, I have discovered that all alone, according to
the experts, I have been aiding and abetting
the demise of the male child I did this single-handily
because there was no man around to lend support.
I look into my heart and soul and
Ask myself, “Was I supposed to do this alone and after all,”
Who’s watching my back?
I’ve been told that the Youth is the key to the future
that we have to inherit a world. That our present leaders
leave behind and that we are aiding and abetting the
demise of this society because of our wild and violent ways.
We aren‘t doing this single handily because many of
us can‘t see the safety net beneath us.
We look into our own souls and hearts and ask
ourselves, are we supposed to do this alone, and
after all, did we make the drugs, the sex and violence
that we see in the communities? Did we cause our parents hearts
to break because of their dreams unfulfilled, their visions blurred
by the pains of every day survival, as I look around me and see
the confusion that abounds, I ask you,
Who’s watching my back?
I was so busy watching the backs of my brothers and
hurting sisters, I forgot to let them know that my back needed watching.
I am asking you,
WHO’S WATCHING YOUR BACK?
Pearlie Jones, Jacksonville, NC, 2000