There is no particular location of the origin of anger. We cannot locate that anger is arising from a specific place within the body. But one can say that man lives mostly in his head. His beliefs and notions arise from the head and govern his life. And it is these wrong beliefs and notions that give rise to anger. Hence we can safely assume that anger arises in the head. But the question is when did these notions and beliefs form? In childhood. So the origin of anger is in the head and the source is in childhood. The origin is in the head and the remedy is in the heart. The beginning is in childhood and the cure is in understanding your childhood.
Beginning of anger in childrenWhen a child is small, he needs attention and protection. He gets that attention from his parents. In childhood, everybody looks after him and takes care of him. Whatever he wants, he gets. So unknowingly, he starts feeling that “I am the most important person in the world.” However, he doesn’t know that he is the weakest. That is why he is being given the maximum attention. In this way, the child mistakes his weakness to be his greatness. Under this wrong impression, he persuades others to fulfill his wishes, which later turns into obstinacy. Then if a desire of his is not fulfilled, he starts getting angry.“All my wishes are fulfilled, then why not this one?” This is how he misunderstands his weakness as his special quality.
The human child needs the most attention. If he is not given adequate attention, his survival is not possible. The young ones of animals don’t need that much of attention; they grow on their own.That is why the feelings of anger, hatred,malice don’t develop in them.
Gradually, the child learns how to use anger to get his necessities. But before learning anger, he learns to cry, he learns to speak, and then he sees how others use anger to get what they want. He listens to the language being used by his siblings and neighbours and he feels that this is the only way to get what he wants.
Look at your childhood now. Recollect the first incident when you threw a tantrum or cried. Can you recall an incident before that where you used your wails and anger? Can you recollect an incident before that? Can you see a pattern? Examine your relationship with your mother and father, or a significant influence in your childhood. Were they the ones who were using anger to get what they want? What did you pick from them? What did you learn from your parents when they were fighting or were angry? Just being aware of some of your habit patterns and the source of them in your childhood can easily set you free.You begin to realize that your predominant way of sucking energy from others is a decision taken in childhood.Your thinking that if I don’t get angry, things don’t get done, goes back to your childhood where you used to think that if I won’t cry, things won't get done.
Good communication with children is the remedyNow as parents, let us see what can we do to help our children to be free from anger. Parents are just as responsible for the child’s anger as the child himself. When the child gets angry, the parents tell him, “You are so hot tempered. This is wrong.” This induces a feeling of inferiority in them. They don’t try to understand why the child is behaving in this manner. They never have any communication with the children.Very often,it happens that there is either no communication between parents and children, very less communication or very rare communication. In these circumstances, the children who are not able to communicate their feelings, express them through anger.
The most important thing a parent has to understand is that as their child is growing, their behaviour with them should change accordingly. When the child is small, their behaviour with him should be different. When the child has grown up, they should communicate with him in a different manner. As the children go on growing, their needs will go on growing. Learning will grow and many questions will arise in their minds. At times they won’t get answers to some of their questions. Some of their desires may get fulfilled, some may not. Anger will increase due to unfulfilled desires. That is when parents need to communicate and explain about life. It can be stated that anger is lack of communication. Therefore it is essential that parents should learn the art of right communication with their children. This is critical for the growth of the child.
Alertness of ParentsWhen children get angry, parents can give them an understanding that,“You don’t need to get angry.You can get what you want even without getting angry.” Create an atmosphere in your home in which children have complete freedom of expression and where they can freely express their needs. This atmosphere will be conducive for forming a relation of friendship with children. It is essential that in every home there should be conversation and communication between parents and children every day. It should be made a part of routine daily activities, which will prove beneficial for the entire family. Misunderstandings will reduce, relationships will grow stronger, and there will be friendly behaviour with each other.
You can communicate only when you are alert. Parents have to be alert about what they tell their children when they get angry. Actually even anger is a method of communication. A person is expressing his displeasure through anger because he doesn’t know any other method. If he learns the art of expressing himself through a different method, then he will feel that now he does not need anger. Hence parents have to be alert about the anger of their children, about the true feelings that are getting expressed in the form of anger. Then they should question the child about the true cause of anger. Explain to children that if you can develop the art of explaining your point clearly, then anger will be abolished. Anger is a feeling, a method to express the desires hidden inside us.
Anger with AwarenessChildren learn anger primarily from their parents. If children see parents losing their self-control, they begin to think it is normal. Children are very perceptive. A child can perceive who loves him and who does not. A baby starts to cry if the person holding it is uncomfortable. Why, even dogs bark at those who are afraid of them! The human mind is powerful enough to perceive the intention of the other. If parents hit the child in rage, then children perceive that it is unnatural and incorrect. Therefore every parent should remember a simple rule. If you want to hit or scold your child, then do so with awareness. While you are angering over your child, tell yourself,“Now I am going to scold or hit him.” This is anger with awareness. Children will perceive it as strictness and not the folly of the parent. If anger is involuntary,then children perceive that too. If you hit out in rage without any awareness and later try all the explanations in the world, it doesn’t work. If, after hitting the child in a fit of fury, the mother tries to give explanations such as, “I hit him for his own good”, then the child sees through the charade.
Parents can use anger with awareness. But, it should be used only when it is necessary. Anger is not always a disease. Sometimes, it is a necessity, a need of the hour. For example, if a child puts his hands on the stove, then there it is necessary to get angry. If you hit a child with awareness at that time, it will serve as a reminder and the child will not register it as your anger. Instead he will see it as his mistake. Some parents and teachers don’t realize this. There have been cases where parents have hit their children with knives, have burnt their hands and so forth. Remember that awareness during anger is the best remedy for anger.