My dear reader,
Perhaps you will find it overly self-indulgent of me that I begin this work with a whole chapter dedicated to introducing myself to you. And, when you begin to read this chapter, perhaps you will find it a little strange that I relate my “past life” stories to you.
In your position I might very well be wondering, “Where is this all leading?” And so I find myself begging your patience, even as you first begin this journey with me. There is a very good reason that I must begin this work with this introduction, why I must tell you of my experiences in re-incarnation. You see, these stories, my stories, are not simply the means by which I have been able to experience and discover all that I have needed in order to be able to be the scribe of this work; they also form the examples that I have to offer you in support and explanation of the truths and insights offered in later chapters.
So bear with me, dear reader, as I tell you of the genesis of my soul, of the lifetimes that I have lived and (briefly) of what this has meant to me. And I very much do believe that you will feel amply rewarded as you delve into the following chapters and find yourself armed with the means for deeper comprehension.
I have spent a lot of energy in this lifetime in trying to find true inner-peace, self-love and self-trust. Early on, I realised that I would struggle to heal my inner-pain if I did not know what had caused it in the first place. So, an important part of my journey has included a deep foray into that which occurred prior to this life and the discovery, for myself, of who I really am. I derived this information from conversations, such as those that will follow in this book, through meditation, hypnosis, auto-hypnosis and also from a couple of conversations with my lady-love's "Higher-Self" whilst she was in a trance state. I furthermore experienced an intensive series of amazingly healing hypnotic regressions with a gifted hypnotherapist. And while my story is subject to change as I continue to discover more about myself, below is a brief introduction to who I am.
I will start my story with a council meeting of the group of Light-Beings who created this reality. They were discussing how this reality that we inhabit would be brought to a close so that a new reality could take its place. A bit like one game coming to an end so that another can be played. The way these games are played is that each Light-Being is responsible for a particular role in each game. The current game in question, our whole reality, is quite an interesting one. It is a game where some of these Bright Ones had created many manifestations (also called incarnations) that had been able to experience "individuality". In order to make this game work, something pretty radical had to be achieved. The aspects of the Bright Ones that were to play inside the game had to actually forget that they are all ONE; they had to forget their own eternal, immortal nature. Nowhere in All That Is had such a thing been done before.
In order to give the game direction, the concept of "polarity" had been set into place. In the absence of the knowledge of their own divine purpose, players needed something else to give them a spur to growth and progression. Previous games had floundered as a result of insufficient impetus. And so it was decided that there would be two main "camps", which would result in rivalry, competition and conflict. The two camps were defined by whom the players would serve. On the one side would be those that serve themselves, and on the other side would be those that serve others. And so the game is being played out with fragments of the Bright Ones having incarnations in the system through which they have been experiencing the ecstasies and the miseries of life in this place. In so doing, they have been discovering who they really are from a position of absolute forgetfulness. It is a marvellous, amazing, grand experiment in consciousness and the rewards are truly phenomenal. But now, as the time approaches to bring the game to a close, the Council gathers to see what must be done. It is perceived that there will be some considerable difficulty in ending the game successfully without causing harm and trauma to the players; those aspects of the Bright Ones that are deeply engaged in the game as incarnated souls.
Can you see the problem?
In order for the game to work, all the players had to forget that they were just players and engage very deeply with the game, as if it were utterly real and true. As they played the game of separation they would come to feel powerful emotions, such as hatred and anger towards some and kindness and need towards others and this would compel them to bury themselves very deeply in the game. And so it was that players would find themselves unable to even begin to conceive of it that the game was not completely real and completely serious. Which was fine, for so long as the game was to continue, but a problem occurred when the Bright Ones wanted to end the game. Beings as totally engrossed in the game as the players are will not simply stop playing and return to full remembrance when it is time to stop! And their free will cannot simply be breached and the game forcibly ended, as this would cause the players profound trauma and teach them that they are not the creators of their own reality. This would undo the whole point of the game, which is growth and learning; particularly learning about creation.
So, ending the game would have to be done carefully and with some delicacy. The only way to do it would be bring to the game a great transformational turning point in which each and every manifestation could, themselves, begin to awaken to the fact that they are immortal beings of light simply experiencing an illusory, transient reality. Only then would they have the wisdom and power to choose to leave the game voluntarily. And so it was decided that each player would be awakened at an appointed time. Each of the Light-Beings then put their plans in place to bring the game to a successful close.
It is not mine to know what all of the Light-Beings decided. I know only a little of what one of those Light-Beings did. And now I will draw your attention to this one particular Light-Being. Though names are of no use to such beings, they are of some use to us, so we shall call this being Joy-Divine or J-D for short. J-D was invited to come and play this game, specifically to assist with the great transformation that would eventually enable the ending of that game. In order to do what he came to do, J-D saw that he would need to re-order the whole game just a little by bringing his own energy to play in the system. For these beings, you see, there is no such thing as time. There is consequently no problem in redoing the game from the beginning in order to end it differently. And you can keep re-doing until you achieve the desired outcome and then that is the version of events deemed “most valid”. So J-D came to hold one of the roles in the game. But J-D did not create the endlessly recursive self-fragmentations that many of the other Bright Ones did. This was not originally his game, you see, and so he did not seek to populate it with many billions or even trillions of aspects of himself as some of the others did. But he did seek to understand the game in great depth. And it is really so that the deepest, hermeneutic understanding of a thing can only come from experiencing it yourself. J-D knew that he needed this kind of understanding in order to offer the assistance that was required of him. And so it was that he decided to introduce a manifestation of Self into the game. From within his own being he created a being which may be called "Delight". Delight would be that which carried the light of Joy-Divine into the densest depths of the game. Delight would in fact be the incarnating portion of Joy-Divine...
And that, perhaps it will not surprise you to discover, is my own Higher Self.
In the very earliest memory of my individual existence that I have been able to find, I was slowly, dreamily, driftingly becoming conscious of "selfness". I was being lovingly cradled within the very being of Joy-Divine. I knew only oneness and belonging. Infinite love was my sustenance. The deepest bliss was my every experience. Slowly, my consciousness arose from this slumbering joy and I began to formulate my first thoughts. As I became aware of my own beingness I conceived the thought, "Here am I." And then the question, "What am I?"
And with infinite love and gentleness, Joy-Divine began to answer me. In some ways, this lifetime and those that went before it are a part of the infinite, unending answering of that question. For, by living and being I am discovering myself, who I am and what I am. You see, Bright Ones don't communicate in thoughts and words as we do. Their communications are in whole creations! Our entire universe is really just a part of an unfolding conversation between the Bright Ones. And as I am here discovering who I really am, it is also Joy-Divine engaged in the act of telling Delight the answer to the question, "What am I?" played out in dramatic form through all the occurrences in my various incarnations. It's an amazing thing, really. And maybe it is thus for you too? Perhaps you too are that which is busy answering the question, "What am I?" for yourself. I think this is so, don't you?
But now to the question of why Delight is here and therefore why I, Zingdad, am here. For beings to move forward they must conceive of a purpose for themselves. Delight has the purpose of being "an Interventionist". What exactly "an Interventionist" is, is a long story that I shall tell on another occasion – for now kindly accept that it is a being that travels around the spiritual realms assisting others when they become stuck in the creations of their own making. And so Delight would help here in the work of the transformation of this reality in a... well... a delightful way, really. But you know, you can't help a friend with their pain if you don't understand what they are going through. So, before Delight could help, he had to completely immerse himself in this reality. He had to incarnate a few times and completely lose himself in this reality. And then, right on cue, during his final incarnation at the moment of the great transformation of the game, he had to remember himself and awaken and ascend back out of the system. Only then would he have sufficient understanding to really help and do what he had come to do. And, of course, this is what I am right now endeavouring to do.
I remember beginning my descent into this system. I left the warm embrace of Joy-Divine and began to enter via the higher dimensions of this reality for the very first time. And then, with a shock, I began to fall. I fell and fell. As I plummeted though the densities of creation, I began to realise that I was losing my connection with the oneness. I began to feel the terrible pang of a completely new experience – getting lost in the coldness of desperate aloneness. My vision began to shrink; I could no longer see what the results of my actions would be! I no longer knew that everything was perfection. There was so much I suddenly couldn't and didn't know. As I conceived of the fact that I didn't know what would happen, an entirely new experience gripped my heart – fear! If I didn't know what would come next, how could I know I would be okay? I couldn't! I felt the black robes of the Veil of Unknowing close around me and it felt like icy fingers squeezing my heart. This was agony! And still I fell and fell. And then came the oblivion of forgetting both the pain of the falling and the bliss of what had come before that. The anguish faded. Memory faded. Consciousness became dim. Everything turned slowly to blackness. And then I began to look through blurred eyes upon a strange and incomprehensible new world.
I didn't know it then but my first incarnation had begun...
My first lifetime was on a planet in the star system of Lyra, so-named after the lyre (a type of harp), which is also a useful analogy for the way in which life was created there. Many beings had their first incarnation in Lyra, which was much less dense than here on Earth. Bodies were far more subtle than these that we now inhabit. A tonal vibration in the light was what caused bodies to manifest – hence the "harp" analogy. Life on this planet in Lyra was good. It was a place of love and gentleness where joy was used as a vehicle for teaching. Each person was encouraged to follow their greatest bliss, to find their unique and special gift and then to express that which they most loved doing. There was no competition and no punishment. Each being was valued for who they were and the contribution they made. And everyone gave their best at all times.
Physically, the beings were fair of skin and hair and had blue eyes. I still bear those features now out of a sense of identification with them. They were a graceful and vital people who knew that their bodies were a divine gift to be loved and cherished and they understood how to treat their bodies respectfully. And this is one of the reasons that they lived to incredibly great ages. But there was another, more important reason: in the societies of this place were teachers who passed on to others the teachings of physical ascension. As a result of learning this, the Lyrans did not age as we typically do here on Earth. As young ones grew up and matured into adults they would, at some point, begin to show an interest in learning the ways of the spirit. They would request to be taught. The process of learning about this was slow and gentle, with the process itself being valued far more than the outcome. As their training advanced, so these beings would become wiser and more powerful in the ways of spirit. Eventually they would begin to gain a brightness, as their aura would begin to glow, and beings of great age could immediately be identified by the radiance of their aura. But their bodies, strangely enough, did not age. To look into such a being's eyes was to feel blessed and loved. As their training and spiritual growth continued, these beings would become more light and less matter. And then, when they had done what they had come for, they would finally and completely transform their physical bodies into light bodies and leave that world for subtler realms of spirit. A wonderful thing to observe.
The Lyrans lived in absolute harmony with the land. They did not think of plants, animals and their planet as something to use and consume but rather knew that they were one with these. The land was respected as their own mother. If a plant or animal was required to sacrifice its body for something that was needed for the people, then it was respectfully asked for that sacrifice. If permission was given then the ending of the life was done with great reverence, respect and appreciation. Life there was truly a great, harmonious partnership and each worked always for the greater good of the all.
My clearest memory of my own life in Lyra is of me standing looking over a moon-lit ocean with a being called Adamu. Though not my father, he had been the one who had raised me and had taught me the ways of the people. He was a wise and respected elder. A powerfully built, leonine man with a flowing beard, sapphire eyes and the brightest auric glow.
My memory starts with him standing opposite me, engaging me in a serious conversation. He was explaining to me that I was not to remain with them... not to eventually return to the light in the way that they did. He was pointing to the stars and telling me that my destiny lay "out there". He skipped a stone across the still, moonlit ocean as a metaphor for how I must hop across a few other lives in other places in my coming progression, not stay in one place with them. I was sobbing. The fact that my leaving meant that I would have to physically die was not the source of my distress. Everyone in that world knew that death was nothing more than a transition to another state. The source of my grief was quite simply that I did not want to leave there. I had found a great love for those people and for Adamu, with his gentle, loving guidance of me in particular. I didn't want to go and Adamu of course didn't want me to go either, as he loved me. But this was my destiny.
Adamu said to me, "Soon enough you will be on your way and you'll have forgotten us."
"Never!" I said, "I'll never forget you. And I'll remember this moment forever."
And I have.
I will always love the people of Lyra. They gave me my first life and my grounding in this reality. I knew such unconditional love and true belonging amongst them. I had a place "to come from" and even though I would always be a wanderer, still I would always know what it is to have had a home.
And I would remember Adamu. This current incarnation of mine has been infused with a sense of missing someone; an older, fatherly figure who I knew should be there in my life, but was not. As I began to remember Adamu and find him in my meditations and hypnotic regressions, that gap in my life came to be filled. I came to remember the depth of my love and connection with this most amazing being. And this is how this memory survived the deep forgetfulness that comes from reincarnating into this world. I said I would remember... and I did. And as I re-connected with Adamu in this life-time and learned to have intuitive conversations, I also realised that he was a font of deep wisdom and profound truth, which always came cloaked in compassion. So I started to make his words available for others to read on various forums on the Internet. It was thanks to Adamu that I could develop this skill at intuitive conversation at all. He has again come to be a wonderful source of guidance and advice to me. And friendship too.
Isn't that strange? I appear to be a grown-up, adult man with an imaginary friend!
But back to the story. As I have mentioned, most beings left life in Lyra by means of a bodily ascension into the light. But this was not my path. I was to go the way of those who did not leave into the light. I walked into the ocean in the Bay of Leaving until I was chest deep in the moonlit water and then, just as I had been taught to do, I lifted my spirit-body out of my physical body and severed the connection between the two. My lifeless body fell back into the waters, the waves closed over it. And then I was gone.
The oceans would, in due course, take care of the cleansing and nothing would be left of me in Lyra but memories.
Life number two was my life as a soldier.
The civilisation into which I was born was engaged in an inter-planetary war with another civilisation. I have no memory of the specifics and so I can't tell you if there were great galactic alliances at war or just two opposing planetary civilisations battling it out. These things I don't remember at all. What I do know is that I had been born into the life of a soldier garrisoning a mining colony on a little planet far from our home-world. The planet itself was not quite solid. I can't say for sure what it was composed of, but the effect was that one could pilot a vehicle into the planet without too much difficulty. Perhaps it was a bit like Jupiter or Saturn and was essentially condensed gasses? Certainly, the planet was utterly inhospitable to life, as we had to be inside protective vehicles or structures at all times. But, whatever the case, in this life I was one of a group of soldiers who had been assigned the role of guarding the mining operations on this semi-solid little planet.
The life I lived there was quite different from any here on Earth. For one thing, it seems we soldiers were genetically modified to fulfil our function. One of the results of this was that none of us was able to reproduce, as this would have been counter-productive to the optimal fulfilment of our role. It seems our bodies were designed to remain sexually immature our entire lives and so the distinction between the genders was definitely not as pronounced as it is here on Earth. I am confused about this, but there might even have been more than just two genders! What I am sure of is that the soldiers were not exclusively male. But, as I say, gender wasn't the same issue as it is here on Earth. I believe we were, however, somewhat sexual with each other but that it was more of a playful, loving, bonding experience than anything else. But, be that as it may, the group of soldiers with me on that planet were my everything. They were the only family I had ever known; they were my friends, my lovers and my reason for being. If I think back on it now, my situation in that life seems very peculiar to my current sensibilities, but it felt completely natural and right to me then. We were happy in our own way and there was certainly a greater sense of belonging and group identity than I have ever felt in my current lifetime.
As a soldier, my designated role was to pilot a particular military vehicle. It was something between a very small space-ship and an armoured car. This one-man vehicle could not only travel on the surface of the planet but could also push down into the planet itself and manoeuvre under the surface. It sustained life-support for me under all the varied and extreme conditions on that planet. I'm sure that this was a scout craft and, if it had any armaments at all, these would have been quite light. I think my role was really just to guard and patrol. In the memories that I have it seems as if I didn't take my responsibilities too seriously at all. Like a big kid with a toy, I really enjoyed driving my little craft around and pushing it down into the depths of the planet only to pull back up and come bursting up onto the surface. I got quite a thrill out of that craft, but I certainly did not behave like a soldier engaged in the life-and-death responsibility of defending a strategic asset in times of war!
On a day, it was my turn to man the control room in a satellite high above the planet. While I was on duty I was looking through a window at the planet below and something completely beyond my comprehension happened. All I can say is that the little planet, with all its inhabitants, was stomped out of existence before my very eyes! Everything was, quite simply, wiped out of existence by some inexplicable phenomenon. A huge grey "thing" passed though that reality and utterly obliterated the whole planet! I had no way of making sense of what I had just observed. This didn't relate to anything I had ever even heard of. I was thoroughly traumatized and left in a deep state of shock. Everyone I loved – all my friends, my family, my lovers, my home, my reason for living – everything that had meant anything to me was wiped out in one unfathomable instant. I was left utterly alone in a small satellite that was now no longer tethered to a planet. I don't know what I did next. That little satellite would not have sustained my life for very long. I know I drifted for a while, lost in abject grief. Perhaps I died of a lack of air, food or water. Perhaps I terminated myself. That is not in my memory. All I find there is a muggy fog of loss and grief... and then nothing.
In life number three, I had some kind of mental incapacity. I am almost completely certain that it was severe autism from which I suffered. What I know is that my thoughts did not have the same structure as they do now. It was as if I thought in comic-book pictures and icons rather than in words or complex ideas. I was unable to speak and instead made gibberish sounds. This life played out in what was quite possibly 16th century Europe (or some reality quite a lot like that) and life there was hard, mean and cruel. People with challenges such as I suffered were considered a useless burden.
This life was dichotomously desperately unhappy and yet also blissfully joyful. You see, I was not treated very well by my fellow human beings. For example, as soon as I was old enough to go out amongst the other children they noticed my strangeness and began to taunt me mercilessly. They threw stones at me and chased me with sticks like a wild animal sometimes. The only one who really loved me and was eternally kind to me was my older sister. She was pure gentleness and goodness.
Then there was an uncle who came to visit sometimes. On these occasions he would find opportunities to be alone with me so that he might sexually abuse me. And, of course, I was powerless to ever tell anyone about this. My only protection was to stick to my sister's side whenever he was around and then, though his eyes burned holes in me, he'd leave me alone. But if he ever found me without her... well, it got pretty awful. An uncomprehendingly painful, wrong, strange experience that hurt and hurt and I had no way of processing it or understanding it. I most certainly had no way of defending myself or of stopping him.
But that life was very far from being all bad. Sometimes I would be able to slip into an altered state of consciousness in which everything was beautiful. I remember seeing angels of light and fairies and sprites. I saw the golden auras in the life around me. I saw the pulsations of energy in the plants. I saw the zip-zap of energy communications between the stars and the flows and spirals of energy in the planet's etheric body. I saw wondrous things in those times. This brought me deep joy and healed my pain. So that was okay. But I think my family were disturbed by the fact that I'd sit on my own, staring into space, cooing and giggling to myself with pleasure.
And then, things being what they were in those days, my sister was no more than 15 or 16 when she was married off to some veritable stranger from some far off town and she had to leave to go and live with him. I know now that she tried very hard to make this okay for me. I know she tried to tell me what was happening. I remember lying with my head in her lap while she cried bitterly, explaining things to me with words that meant nothing at all to me. All I knew was that for some time she was always unhappy. And then a horse-drawn cart came to fetch her and she was gone. I remember watching it carrying her away from me, down the lane into the bleak snow-laden forest.
Soon after that, the abusive uncle came around again. When I saw him I knew what was coming and, in my desperation, I ran away to find my sister. I ran down the road along which the cart had departed. I ran and ran. I ran until my lungs ached, I ran until I fell down exhausted. Night began to fall and I huddled against a tree for some shelter from the cold. I was very, very scared – every forest sound and shadow caused monster images to flash in my mind.
I don't remember my actual end but I suppose I died of exposure in the forest that night.
Lifetime number four is the most difficult to explain because it occurred in a reality very unlike this one and things just don't translate well. I guess it might actually have been in a kind of etheric realm because in this place ideas and thoughts really were tangible things. I somehow had an ability with the crafting of ideas that could... I don't know... the analogy I get is that I had a "sword of words". I could somehow do great harm with the constructs of my mind and the others around me seemed to be quite defenceless against me. I had great anger and rage towards them. I think these were the same beings as in the life before because my sister was there again and this time she was the only one I loved. All others I struck out at and hurt very badly. They had no way of defending themselves and I just went around doing harm – expressing my rage, I guess. This lifetime ended quite strangely too. The others captured me and confined me. And then they brought my sister and killed her before me. In so doing, I saw that she and they were actually one greater being. I saw that the good and the evil, the positive and the negative, were all from within the same being. That which I loved the most and that which I despised the most was all the same one being – just different manifestations of it. I was shaken to my core. They then killed me too. This somehow was a favour to me. It somehow absolved me of my karma. They actually did this as an act of love. None of this makes much sense to me now from the perspective of my current life but that is how it was.
Also, I later came to understand that what I had done to them was somehow a service to them. Much worse was to come and I assisted in some way to prepare them for this. It was as a result of me that they would later survive.
I don't really understand much about this lifetime and I hope to puzzle it all out some day.
The story of my fifth life is uncomfortable for me to tell. The setting was quite possibly medieval Europe. I was born to some local lord. We lived in a castle on a mountain overlooking a valley in which there was a village. Our village was quite isolated and transport through the mountain was by slow horse-drawn cart, so we lived quite an insular life. Most of the villagers would live their entire life without ever venturing out of the valley. Very few ever saw even the next village. Transport was difficult and slow and communications almost non-existent.
For this lifetime I had been given a spiritual gift: a connection to a special form of spiritual "energy" with which I could manipulate the matter of that world. An agreement was made that I would use this energy to show the people how to do healing and other such spiritual work.
I think my mother was quite sickly and she had struggled for many years to fall pregnant. Being the wife of the local lord, it was important that she give my father an heir. News of her pregnancy was therefore greeted with great joy. When I was born, a perfectly healthy baby boy, the village was overjoyed and a great celebration was given. I was the village's "golden child" and was much loved and celebrated. I soon began to display my gift in doing small magical things. The people saw this and wondered at it.
Somewhere in my teens, events conspired to take me in a dark direction: firstly my mother never properly recovered from giving birth to me. She was bed-ridden for a few years and then just faded away and died while I was still a child. My father was pre-occupied with his grief and his responsibilities as the lord of his lands. When my magical abilities became obvious, the village witch asked to be allowed to teach me – to "mould" my abilities. Despite the fact that she had shown herself to be capable of quite a mean streak, I think my father was just relieved to have one less thing to worry about and