Chapter 6 - Childhood Imprinting
An imprint is based upon an experience we have gone through as children. We classify the experience as either good/bad, desired/undesired. From this experience, we create a map or blueprint, which forms our perception of reality. As infants, we begin our “imprinted education” as we absorb everything from our surroundings. An infant is a learning machine. Whatever this little being sees, feels, and is exposed to will be eventually integrated to form a perception of reality. Parents affect their children just by being around them. If you are a good person and radiate this goodness from your being your children will feel it and respond. It will touch that part of them and trigger it into being. They will begin to experience their own goodness by feeling yours. If you are a parent who feels you are not worthy, your being radiates this and it will trigger or transfer not being good feelings in your child. Children will adopt either of these “imprints’ because it’s all they know.
Imagine the following: If you were always told (imprinted) from birth that the world was flat, you would believe it without question. You would say, “Of course the world is flat; why would you even doubt it?” Then along comes some bloke by the name of Christopher Columbus and he says, “The world is round.” “Get out!” you would say and push him like Elaine from Seinfeld. “It’s flat and you’re going to die if you go too far.” You decide to go with him on a voyage to prove him wrong. (After all common sense only goes so far.)
Months pass and you found out for yourself that the world truly is round! “Oh my god” you would say a little humbled by your overconfidence… the world is flat. You have just had a reality shift because of your experience.
So imprinting can run our lives until you have an experience, which opens you up to “not knowing.” Then your vantage point changes and your world expands.
A great way to look at us humans is to compare us to a super bio-computer. As babies, our memory banks are empty. No programs, but loads of memory. You can program this bio-computer for anything. What will you type into it? You can only teach what you know. Whatever kind of person you are, educated or uneducated, smart or slow, what you know and who you are is programmed into your child. Eventually your child will create a working program or a behavior based upon whom and what they were exposed to. Their individuality will determine how this program is applied, but the core of this program is created directly from you, the caregiver.
Most of our childhoods consisted of parents who mean well, but were trying to juggle their own lives and provide for us at the same time. If your parents were like mine, they had you in their twenties. When you are in your twenties you do not even know you don’t know anything. You’re still a baby yourself. Babies raising babies. And this is just my generation.
To a child their parents are Gods. They are everything. Without mommy or daddy to take care of them, they would not be. They would cease to exist. They are life and they are death. Stop for a minute and imagine: You are born into a world where you know literally nothing and you need these two giants to provide everything for you. You can’t feed yourself and you need them to teach you the basics. To a helpless being like this, whoever takes care of you is everything, so you attach your life to theirs. Infants trust parents with a very special gift. They trust them with the power of life. The parents’ job is to realize they have this power and over the course of the baby’s life, give it back to their child as they grow. The problem is most parents do not do this because they were not given the power of their lives back from their parents and so they could not pass it on.
As infants, we can liken our inner state to a blank emotional blackboard. While we may not know much, there are two things we are clear on… pain and pleasure. (Now just to be clear. Pain is a specific reaction to stimulus from the environment that produces a certain intense sensation we have all agreed to judge as “bad” or “undesirable”. Pain by itself is just another experience. In this life, pain seems to be something none of us can avoid for long. So, since it is inevitable, stop trying to avoid it and see what you can learn from it when it comes. I am not saying I have enjoyed all the pain I have endured in my life, but I could not have written this book or developed all of these processes without the pain I have experienced. Pain has been my greatest teacher and I honor it. I have learned, emotional pain does not kill you even though it feels like it should.
In and of themselves, painful sensations are just another feeling or experience. Babies cry from pain and coo from pleasure. It is the parents’ reaction, which determines the child’s eventual programming to pain.
If a parent reacts to a child’s pain with anger, then what does the child learn? Imagine a situation where a mother and her baby are in a room together. The mother is constantly on the phone doing business. Many times the mother is on the phone and is often scared and angry (business is slow). The baby is often crying during the day and mother has to balance the tasks of running her business and caring for her infant.
Mother’s patience is wearing thin as she is often overwhelmed with running her business and directing her energy to her child. Because the baby is exposed to a significant amount of anger and fear it begin to associate events with these emotions. Perhaps the ringing of the phone sets the mother off. Eventually the baby learns to associate the ringing of the phone and her mother’s anger.
Soon, the baby begins crying every time the phone rings.
What is the baby’s perception of this situation?
(Here I have taken liberty with a baby’s thoughts. As they are emotional and sensory blackboards they would not have the luxury of words, so I am speaking from a place of imagined emotional consciousness. I have found feelings follow their own brand of logic. The following is a possible subconscious program the child may have associated as a result of this experience.)
“We (mommy and me) are one. My mommy is my source of life. What she feels, I feel. I am not separate from her. When she gets scared, I feel her fear and I get scared. When she is angry, I get scared. Every time I hear this sound (the phone) mommy gets angry or scared. Every time I cry she also gets angry. It hurts me when my mommy is angry because it feels like she does not want me around. I cannot live without my source of life. I must be doing something wrong. Whatever I did, I must make sure I don’t do it anymore. I am scared to cry because I’m afraid that she will get angry with me if I cry. I don’t want mommy angry with me. So I will avoid showing my pain to Mommy as much as I can so she does not get angry in the future.”
A part of her begins to close down. This part of her is afraid that if her mother sees her fear and becomes angry she will lose her mother and be alone. A baby alone cannot survive for long.
A new behavioral program is now imprinted upon our child forever marking her with a fear of self-expression, and loss of safety. Each time an experience occurs similar to the first experience, it will further reinforce this imprinting.
As she gets older, her ability to utilize this program may evolve into:
“If I expose the truth of my pain to another, they will reject me and if they reject me I will be alone and if I am alone I will not exist and if I don’t exist I am not real. So, to avoid feeling not real I must always have somebody with me. If I don’t, I will die.” (Emotionally speaking)
These are the people who cannot be alone. Ever. They are the people that always have to be talking or connected in some way, or they go crazy. These are the people who drain you. We tend to label these individuals, “needy”. How many of you know needy people? If you are a needy person or have access to one, you can ask them, “Are you ever by yourself and if so, how do you feel about it?”
Recap
How Do Feelings Work?
Your body generates feelings. They rise up from within. Because a great number of our behavioral programs are based upon “negative” experiences and judgments, some of our feelings are allowed to come up and some are not. “Good” feelings are accepted, but “bad” feeling will be denied.
In truth, feelings are separate from who we are. We are not tired, happy or calm. We are not courageous or wonderful or truthful. Here is where we must be clear. You are not these things, but you can experience these things. When you have a feeling that you are not worthy, it is not a fact, but just a feeling. You can feel tired, happy, calm, courageous, wonderful or truthful. You experience these feelings, but they do not define you. You are the blackboard upon which feelings are written, erased and written upon again.
Unfortunately, we do believe we are these feelings. To our emotional being, the feeling of sadness means we are the sadness. If we feel unworthy, then this also must be true. If we are unworthy and this is our truth based upon our past programming, then our life must change and conform to this truth. We must make this belief a truth. Here’s an example of how this works… Let’s say there’s a person who has a strong unworthy program running. When an potentially beneficial opportunity arrives their inner (unworthy) voice says,
“Oh, what have we here? An opportunity for our life to change for the better. Well, we can’t allow this to happen because we have been committed too long to being unworthy. So, ‘no thank you.’”
This often results in a passive aggressive behavior, which sabotages the opportunity.
So, what we are left with is a number of inaccurate, yet powerful behavioral programs created by our imperfect childhoods, which has left us incapable of seeing and responding to reality for what it is.
If we have an event and 10 of us are seeing this event, what happens? We get 10 different opinions of what happened.
Each one of these 10 people is seeing through the eyes of their own personal programming and individual points of view. The nervous system of each person follows the commands of the imprinted program eliminating what is seen to not conflict with this original programming. That is, if what they see triggers a memory of a similar situation or experience, which reminds them of a past situation or experience, they will automatically reject what is happening in favor of a reality that suits their own tailor-made version of what feels safe to them. All of this is done sub-consciously.
“12 Angry Men”
Let’s take the movie ”12 Angry Men” as an example. (It is my belief all the answers in life can be found in one movie or another.) In this movie, for those of you who have not seen it, 12 men are in a jury deliberation room to decide the fate of a young man who has been accused of murdering his father. While on the surface the evidence seems to point to a conviction, one man feels it they must take the time to truly consider the evidence before them and see if it holds truth. Over the course of the movie it slowly becomes clear that the accused could not of done it. However, several of the men have their own agenda. One wants to go to a baseball game, another wants to do something else. Another juror has racial issues. The point is all of the men have to some degree an investment in finding him guilty so they can go on with their own lives. One by one, as their intentions were made known and they were allowed to express their true feelings, the wind is taken out of their sails. Until the last juror’s agenda is revealed. His own son has rejected him and he is so angry that he is taking it out on the man on trial. He could only see the reality, which made him feel better about his situation. Once he expressed his anger he, too, let go of his investment and changed his vote to not guilty.
Reality is truly subjective. It is based upon a person’s experience and programming and his/her investment in this programming, which is in turn based upon judgments, which is in turn based upon feelings and emotions.
Let’s go further into what reality consists of. During my time with Landmark Education (www.landmarkeducation.com), I learned about a concept they referred to as the “circle of knowing.”
What we have here is a circle representing all the information in the cosmos. Everything that can be known exists within the circle. There is nothing outside the circle.
Within the circle, we cut a small tiny piece of pie sliver. This sliver represents everything you know. This is everything you know that you know (you know?). You know how to drive a car, or brush your teeth, order a meal or any of the millions of things you do everyday. This is the knowledge available to you everyday.
The next pie cut is the knowledge you know you do not know. This is information you know exists but you do not have it. This can include: brain surgery, how to fly a jet- liner, the intricacies of the law or how to make a pie (chocolate cream, please) are just some examples. You know you do not know it but you know someone does and, therefore, it exists.
The last big piece, which accounts for almost all of the pie, is information you do not know that you do not know it. How can you ask a question about something you do not even know exists? It is like trying to see something that is not there without the faculty of seeing. I want you to close your eyes and start looking for something you cannot find. You have no information. No way of looking or starting. Not a sense of what it is or isn’t. You don’t know you don’t know it.
In truth, the total amount of information that exists is tremendous! The way in which each of us uses information is subjective. Exploration of unknown areas begins by looking at things in new ways.
The unknown areas of our lives can help to set us free. When you say, “I don’t know” you are opening yourself up to a great deal of possibility. Saying, “I don’t know” provides you with the choice to change your programming and choose another path.
We all possess this power to change these programs and input our own programming based upon what we want for our lives. We can make anything in our lives mean anything we want them to mean. This choice can be very powerful and life changing if you know how to program it into your bio-supercomputer.
Understanding involves a mental process by which you absorb information describing an event or events happening in physical reality. Understanding involves a discussion with words. It is theoretical in nature without actual practical application. Understanding is a description not an experience.
Knowing involves the actual experience of the event in physical reality. I.e. actually skiing and putting into practice your understanding results in you knowing what skiing is like.
The following is an excerpt from Carl Rogers, a therapist who created client-centered therapy (CCT). The foundational belief of CCT is that people tend to move toward growth and healing, and have the capacity to find their own answers. This tendency is helped along by an accepting and understanding climate, which the CC therapist seeks to provide above all else.
Rogers distinguished two types of learning: cognitive (meaningless) and experiential (significant). Cognitive corresponds to academic knowledge such as learning vocabulary or multiplication tables and experiential refers to applied knowledge such as learning about engines in order to repair a car. The key to the distinction is that experiential learning addresses the needs and wants of the learner. Rogers lists these qualities of experiential learning: personal involvement, self-initiated, evaluated by learner, and pervasive effects on the learner.
To Rogers, experiential learning is equivalent to personal change and growth. Rogers feels that all human beings have a natural propensity to learn; the role of the teacher is to facilitate such learning. This includes: (1) setting a positive climate for learning, (2) clarifying the purposes of the learner(s), (3) organizing and making available learning resources, (4) balancing intellectual and emotional components of learning, and (5) sharing feelings and thoughts with learners without dominating the person.
According to Rogers, learning is facilitated when: (1) the student participates completely in the learning process and has control over its nature and direction; (2) it is primarily based upon direct confrontation with practical, social, personal or research problems; and (3) self-evaluation is the principal method of assessing progress or success. Rogers also emphasizes the importance of learning to learn and an openness to change.
Experience is, for me, the highest authority. The touchstone of validity is my own experience. No other person's ideas, and none of my own ideas, are as authoritative as my experience. It is to experience I repeatedly turn to in order to discover (experience) a closer approximation to truth.
Response – individual action based upon the needs and reality of the moment involving a clear intention.
Reaction – automatic action originating from false beliefs and past programming of how we think the world should be based upon our past programming and emotional imprinting.
Consciousness (for me) is a state of awareness about our relationship to the world and to ourselves. It includes awareness of how we create our reality at any given time through the beliefs we hold, emotions we feel, words we speak and actions we take. It is what allows us to be fully responsible for our experiences and choices. Because consciousness is a state in which we fully experience who we are, it is also a state in which we feel our interconnectedness with all other living beings, rather than feeling alienated (or separate) from oneself and the rest of the world.
A conscious individual is one who takes responsibility for his/her thoughts, feelings and actions. It is based upon response and not reaction. The distinction between the two is response involves acting upon situations based upon the way they are and not the way you would like them to be. Reaction is an automatic action based upon an old system of thinking. A conscious person is more interested in truth, how he/she expresses that truth and how this truth affects others.
A conscious individual is interested in promoting authenticity and responsibility.
An individual aware in this way supports others through their unique creativity and talents. As they continually examine the impact of their internal practices, products and services on others they are constantly staying true to their integrity. Integrity provides an awareness of responsibility for every choice they make. A conscious person knows the result of their reality is the result of their choices and the energy of their emotional states. Thus, they create their reality. As they continue on their path, they remain devoted to making choices that help themselves and all others they affect. The simplest way to express this is… conscious individuals are constantly looking to create “win-win” situations.
When one acts from this place they inspire themselves. This inspiration fuels their vision not only for their life but also for the lives of others. This allows for one’s true Self to come forth and express itself.
Part of our difficulties in dealing with one another is due to not understanding the inherent difference between individuals. The most obvious of which is the difference between the sexes. Understanding how we differ provides us with a way to navigate, resolve and resolve our challenges with one another to allow acceptance and peace to flourish.
Feminine And Masculine Energy
Feminine (or yin) energy refers to our receptive, creative, visionary, intuitive, and emotional nature while masculine (or yang) energy refers to our assertive, focused, practical, mind- and will- driven natures. Masculine energy brings presence, direction, effectiveness, and a focus on goals, structures, actions, details and results. Feminine energy brings depth of vision, inspiration, creativity, wisdom, magnetic energy, and a commitment to collaboration and partnership.
As many of us have not been introduced to the sexes in this manner, most have not allowed these energies to be integrated within us. We all have both masculine and feminine energies. We need them both to be fully who we are. However, because many of us have been brought up without this information, our judgments of these energies prevent us from allowing ourselves to acknowledge our possession of them and balance never occurs. I.e. it is ok for men to cry. It is ok for women to be assertive.
The problem is this imbalance has evolved far beyond the examples mentioned above. The business world is predominately masculine (although it is changing). This domination has caused many women to become overly masculine in order to compete and be successful in these worlds but what have they lost?
However successful they are in accomplishing these goals, many nevertheless experience a lack of inspiration, passion, fun, and vitality. Instead, they must cope with high levels of stress and an overall loss of self-nurturing.
Masculine energy creates the powerful framework (foundational structures, strategy, technology, goals and action plans), which allows feminine energy (vision, creativity, relatedness etc.) to flourish.
Balancing masculine and feminine energies allows our minds and actions to be aligned with the deeper knowing of our hearts and souls.
To sum up…
A healing response is to start owning what we have created in our lives.
This means:
Just know that somewhere out there with or without your intentional desire to hurt another, someone, somewhere has been hurt by something you did or said. Either we can continue to go through this life getting angry at others for their mistakes knowing they either don’t see, don’t understand or are just completely ignorant. We have the choice to forgive them and move on or remain angry and resentful.
I believe healing begins with each individual’s choice to let go of one way of living and embrace another.
This system of healing involves your conscious choice and subsequent practice of facing unwanted and unpleasant feelings locked within your body. Ultimately, pain cannot be avoided and like water, this pain will find another pathway from which to flow. I have found: it is the very refusal to feel these feelings that allows them to have power over you.
Every moment you are aware of yourself will help you heal.