5.1. This game of the world was created by the ego. An ego is a mind that has chosen illusion. It is a mind that believes it is separate from other people and somehow even separate from the entire universe.
This belief creates a great deal of fear. A person with an active ego is driven mad by fear. Everything that is feared is made very real, and the desire to avoid fear is used to justify anything and everything. What scares the ego more than anything is reality, itself. So, it forces you to hide from reality.
A person with an active ego is focused on getting and taking and, for this reason, often attempts to control or manipulate any situation at any cost.
A person with an active ego is not well, and is often physically ill, for the simple reason that the ego demands so much energy and creates so much stress.
A person with an active ego often wakes up in the middle of the night and, because you follow a fearful train of thought, you find yourself in the grip of a panic attack. Your heart begins to race, your body clenches up, there is so much stress caused by overblown fears—sometimes about just the most basic and ridiculous things—and you can’t go back to sleep.
In this state, great strain is put on your body. Your mind is driven mad and you are filled with negative emotions such as anger, jealousy, resentment, the need for revenge. You are overtaken by an attitude of overall pettiness and smallness. But the ego would convince you that it is big, that it is you, that you are it, and that by feeding it and following it you will one day be great. Nothing is further from the truth.
5.2. In your closest relationships, the ego’s madness is frequently revealed. How? You literally get mad at people. You lose control, you attack, you yell or even worse. You feel something quickly come over your body and you are completely taken over. You begin to shake. You can’t breathe. Your eyes appear frightening. Your voice is raised to a level that would scare anyone.
Every person with an active ego, from time to time, needs to go mad and act out in this way. In some people, this happens every few days.
When the episode of madness is over, they say “I’m sorry. I was just upset and didn’t mean it. I don’t know what came over me.”
Ego came over them, and it isn’t okay. If this happens to you, you are not well. If this happens to anyone you know or love, they are not well and need healing.
5.3. Even when the madness temporarily subsides, a mind where ego is present remains unwell and plays an insane game. The game of ego is a very unfriendly game of communication played by almost everyone in this unhealed world. It is also played by organizations and institutions.
The behavior of an ego is utterly predictable and can easily be understood. Every ego is the same and plays the same game. It is a game where, despite presenting an illusion of reality, nothing real is ever accomplished and everybody ultimately loses.
The objective of this game is to be right and better in some way than the other player. In this game, dishonesty is allowed and even encouraged.
Your aim is not to find solutions to problems or to make anyone happy. The object of this game is, rather, to prove that you are right and that others are wrong.
It is a game of conflict that is played between two, but there are six different roles or positions you both can play: Judge, Defender, Jailer, Prosecutor, Offender, and Victim. Let’s look at each of these roles to understand the game. [See “Games Ego Plays” by Kevin FitzMaurice ( https://www.amazon.com/Games-Plays-Kevin-Everett-FitzMaurice-ebook/dp/B00J9X4WPS )
To start the ego game, one player assumes the role of Prosecutor and tries to draw the other player in by launching an accusation. The purpose of the accusation is to cause a negative emotional reaction in the other player. For the move to be successful, the other player must fail to remain calm and, instead, must choose to make a move in response.
In a court of law, think of how an attorney tries to establish who the Offender is by proving who the Victim is. This is the Prosecutor, who uses language like, “how dare you…” or “do you think it is acceptable behavior to…” or “you always lie to me, drink too much, flirt with people, etc.”.
Whether or not the accusation is true; it is intended to cause a strong emotional reaction so that the other player is pulled into the game and into the ego’s grip.
When a couple argues, it is typically an argument between the Prosecutor and the Defender who are frequently switching roles without ever agreeing on the Judge’s verdict.
All forms of argument and debate are meant to appeal to the Judge, who decides the winners and losers. But the Judge only has authority if both parties are willing to agree who the Judge is. If they do not agree on the verdict, then the argument continues and can go on indefinitely.
As mentioned, the roles can be easily switched. The accused may either choose to play the role of Defender or he may, instead, choose to respond by trying to assume the role of the Prosecutor. Here is an example of a switch in roles:
Woman says: “How dare you get drunk again.”
Man responds: “I only drink because you are constantly yelling at me and shaming me.”
In this way, the man’s move in the game is to try to assume the role of Victim and Prosecutor rather than that of Defender (which is where the woman wanted to put him). If the woman falls for this move by defending herself as someone who doesn’t yell or shame, then she has assumed the role of Defender and the man’s move has been successful. Now they can argue about that.
If she, instead, simply ignores the accusation of “yelling at and shaming” him, then she maintains her role prosecuting the crime she cares about and can carry-on trying to be right.
A successful Prosecutor does such a good job making you feel guilty that you willingly move to the Offender position and agree that the other player can assume the role of Judge, Jailer, and Victim.
To avoid admitting guilt and moving to the Offender position, the most common response to a Prosecutor is to become a Defender. If you are attacked by a Prosecutor and begin to play the Defender, then you are attempting to refuse or deny the legitimacy of the Prosecutor’s position.
As a Defender, you attempt to establish that the accusation isn’t true. However, as you attempt to defend yourself against one set of charges, a determined and skilled Prosecutor can be very clever and will surely find a different set of charges that you are guilty of.
While the role of Defender seems to be a strong and reasonable position, the problem is that it legitimizes the other player’s role as Prosecutor. It also legitimizes the role of Judge.
By assuming any role at all in the game, you make this entire game of right and wrong seem real. You agree that it is okay to judge, okay to argue about who is right, okay to make guilty and to punish, and okay to control other people through arguments and manipulation.
In truth, the role of Defender is not a strong position and often requires you to lie. Let’s face it, you did do some of the things you are being accused of—but that doesn’t make you guilty.
Remember, this is not an honest game. It is a game about establishing guilt, but you cannot be and never were guilty.
5.6. The Judge
Like in a court of law, the Judge establishes guilt. The Judge decides who is in the Offender position and who belongs in the Victim position by deciding whether to agree with the Defender’s case or the Prosecutor’s case. If the Judge identifies a Victim, then he may turn the Offender over to the Jailer for punishment.
Interestingly, the role of Judge must always be agreed-upon by both players. If the two players do not agree on the legitimacy of the Judge or the judgment, there can be no resolution and the prosecution and defense can carry-on indefinitely. This is how most marriages work.
In many cases, however, the person being prosecuted eventually tires of the game and tries to end it by surrendering to the Judge. This is how one person controls another. Unfortunately, acceptance of any verdict does not end the game.
In admitting guilt and agreeing on a verdict, you allow the other player to move to the role of Jailer and Victim. Allowing your opponent to assume the role of Victim is not a good idea. Your opponent now feels justified in administering any punishment. You now must assume the role of Oppressor, and this carries with it a lot of shame and punishment that may never end.
Also remember that, just because one ego game seems to have come to an end, there is no limit to the number of ego games you can play at the same time. Just as you are being punished for one crime, you can be accused of another, and the whole game can start again.
The Jailer position in the ego game enforces the consequences or punishments. The Jailer is given permission to jail the Offender whenever all parties agree with the Judge’s verdict. The Jailer takes over when a parent punishes a child for bad behavior or when a spouse takes away certain privileges after an offense.
The Jailer’s role is to keep the Offender away from temptation, out of contact with Victims, and ideally to provide a path to recovery. Most Jailers, unfortunately, can be overly cruel. They often even believe that abuse is justified.
The Offender is the mean, guilty person who has hurt some poor, helpless victim. Sometimes, however, a person may assume the role of Offender by choice and feel justified in doing so.
You may become so tired of being accused of things, so worn down by the game, that you may start to enjoy acting out as an Offender. You may feel entirely justified in doing whatever you want to do and believe you are relieved from all moral judgment.
Offensive behavior such as alcoholism, drug abuse, physical abuse, or cheating on a spouse is always the result of assuming the Offender role. You do it because you believe that the offensive behavior is your path toward freedom.
While you may achieve a certain degree of freedom and it may be a lot of fun to act out as an Offender, your reckless behavior and web of lies will also cause a great deal of destruction and suffering for you and others.
As an Offender, you feel justified by the unfairness of your situation. The pleasure you get as an Offender is an intense form of ego-gratification—physical pleasure combined with the belief that your recklessness is justified and that you are right.
Perhaps it is because the Offender role cannot be removed from the game that the truth always surfaces in any situation where there is an attempt for one person to control another. But, in the ego game, none of the roles can be removed. This is how the ego works and it can be no other way.
The Victim is also a person who uses a wrong as an excuse. The Victim plays the role by acting helpless, weak and hurt.
A person stuck in the Victim ego role often chooses this identity for life. While a strong person may choose to let go of the Victim role, a lazier or weaker person seeks pleasure by attempting to get sympathy from friends and family and to generally be let off the hook.
Playing the role of victim is a way to disengage from life while still being better at something—you are a better and bigger victim.
5.10. The ego game is presented as a win-lose proposition. The winning positions are the Judge, Jailer and Prosecutor because they can assume “rightness”. The losing positions are Defender, Offender, and Victim because they are assumed to be either guilty or abused.
In truth, the game does not produce a winner or loser because, for most people, the game never concludes. It just draws you in further and makes you more and more crazy.
The ego game takes place between you and other people or organizations, but it is also played as that voice inside your head. You have become so used to playing this game that you have become an expert at turning this game against yourself even when you don’t have anyone else to play with.
This inner ego game is even more destructive than the ego games you play with others. The inner game is on-going, exhausting, and depressing. You prosecute yourself for failures, you try to defend yourself, you judge yourself, you punish yourself, you play victim to yourself.
If you believe the game of being better than others is the path toward happiness, then this is the game you are almost always playing. It is an insane game and the outcome can only be confusion. How can you know who you are when you are shifting between six different roles?
There can be no true happiness or fulfillment within the game because there is no acceptance. Without acceptance, there is very little room for honesty. Without honesty, there is no reflection of truth. Anything untrue can only be a game.
The way to stop playing this game is to forgive. The game ends when you offer unconditional acceptance to yourself and others.
5.11. Each time you are drawn-in to an ego game, you can refuse to play. It is difficult at first, but you do this by breaking the habit of defending yourself. If someone is prosecuting you, you can simply respond as follows: “Is that so?”
Rather than defending yourself, which would be the normal reaction, you can just disengage with a response like “I see” or “it could be”. If you are pushed further, simply state that you’re not interested in arguing or that you don’t debate. Simply refuse to play.
Others try to make the game real by wanting you to legitimize their assumed role. They will tell you about what a big Victim they are, how terrible their Oppressor is, what they are going to do about it as Jailer, and on and on. No response is needed in any case because nothing about the game is real in the light of truth. All truth is found in honesty and acceptance.
5.12. The ego game is often mistakenly referred to as “the real world” by miserable people. In truth, it is a game. There is nothing real about it.
For thousands of years, humans have been exploited and controlled by this game. From the youngest age, you were conditioned to the ways of the ego by schools, then in workplaces, also through the legal system, in church, in normal social interactions, and throughout every other part of society. The ego game is so pervasive that it seems real.
The game of establishing guilt seems legitimate. But life is not a game about who’s right and who’s wrong. This is only a silly distraction.
You are here to be kind and to love others. You were born to experience the fullness of life and, in doing so, to grow. To be fully alive is to go through life with an open mind and heart. Whatever you or anyone says, thinks, or does, it is all part of the experience and it all has a purpose.
There is error and then there is correction, but the error is always found in dishonesty and the correction is always found in honesty. Making guilty is not helpful or effective because it doesn’t teach truth in a way that feels good; and so nothing is learned.
The game of ego doesn’t solve anything and doesn’t lead to happiness or anything that you most deeply want. You need not wear yourself out with it. You need not fear. You need not stress. There is no need to be better than or righter than. Nobody is guilty. You don’t know what is good or bad and, even if you did, you don’t have any control over any outcome.
Just be honest and let life guide the way. You can rest in honesty.